Page 6

CHAPTER 6

ROUX

I t’s not exactly an exaggeration that the Isle of Kala is a technology-free zone. You’re not allowed to have any personal technology. None at all. I’m constantly reaching for my phone, mostly absently, which I find somewhat amusing. Even when I’m not consciously interested in looking at my phone, I still reach for it to doomscroll or check my messages or something.

I don’t even miss it. It’s just a little disconcerting to not have it. I feel a little more alone than usual. My brother is always a text away except when I don’t have the ability to text him. It feels almost isolating, especially when I’m in my room with all the doors and windows shut.

It’s silent, which is a wild feeling because I’m literally surrounded by guys. Everywhere I look. I thought that my isolation at school was just because I was afraid of running into Trevor or someone else like him. I didn’t realize that feeling so alone was possible when being surrounded by so many people.

Anyway, the technology thing is kind of a funny advertisement. The bracelet that identifies me as a long-term guest is some pretty crafty technology, granting room access and allowing card- free payment.

Then there’s the fact that there are tech huts, movie theaters, rec centers with gaming consoles, old school arcade games, and all sorts of shit. Also, in certain accommodations, there are televisions, and all rooms have telephones. Granted, those phones only make calls within the island resort, but they’re available nonetheless.

One of the most impressive things I’ve found within the big hotel I’m staying in is the insulation. When my doors and windows are closed, the room is quiet. If there’s someone super loud in the hallway, I can hear them, but there’s nothing through the floors or ceilings or walls. Most impressive is that my Juliet balcony overlooks one of the many pools that flow into all the others surrounding this big resort hotel, and it’s always filled with loud laughter.

Maybe it helps that I’m on the fourth floor. Perhaps being on one of the lower floors would be less effective in silencing the chaos, but I’m still floored every time I open the sliding door.

I sit up from my bed and stretch. I’ve been out of my room a few times, but I’m starting to think that maybe six weeks is too long to stay here by myself. It’s great being surrounded by only LGBTQIA+ individuals everywhere I turn, but what I’m realizing is that I’m maybe not into hook-up culture and this island is all about hooking up.

Every single time I leave my room, I’m propositioned a minimum of three times, usually by someone asking to suck my dick. Once, I even looked down at my shorts to see if I was somehow bulging in a way I don’t normally. I mean, I’m not a huge guy. I’m not even sure I’m average.

According to Trevor, my dick isn’t impressive at all. On the other hand, Azure and Gabe didn’t have any complaints. I have guesses as to why for both, but that’s neither here nor there. I know that making me insecure about my dick was just another way to manipulate me, making me feel self-conscious so I was less likely to look for someone else.

Don’t worry; I love the size of your small cock .

Over the past few days, I’ve realized just how much control Trevor still has over my life. I thought that escaping him was all I needed. Just to be free so I could get back to who I was or who I was becoming. Last year, I thought a summer romance with Gabe was what I needed as a kind of hard reset for my body image and whatever.

Part of the reason I’m here is because I know that I can find someone happy with what I have for a hookup. It was meant to build up my confidence again. They’re not going to tell me I’m too flabby or my dick is small or I’m ugly. If they’re not interested, they’re going to move on.

I thought I was interested in hooking up. I thought Kala was going to be the perfect place to help me fill the holes in the foundation of my confidence.

But it just feels cringey.

To me . I don’t care what other people are doing. I’m not judging at all. Hell, I came here to hook up. That was the plan all along—fuck my way through summer until I feel better about myself.

Yeah… in hindsight, not the most intelligent way to get back on track.

I wish I knew who I was before Trevor. I wish I could reach that man again.

Taking a breath, I force myself to get out of bed and turn the television off. At the very least, I should be sitting on the balcony and enjoying the view. Yes, I’m talking about the hot men in the pool, but I also have a beautiful view of the ocean and whichever island is off to the left. I can just barely see the docks in the distance to the right.

Time to get up, make good on my promise to check in with Lix, and maybe find some food and… entertainment. There are tons of free activities to do on Kala that aren’t considered an added-on excursion. Even some of the excursions have “free adventure” versions.

Maybe I need to readjust my goal for this summer. Clearly, I’m not interested in hooking up with any random guy that comes my way. That’s not to say I won’t make an exception here or there. Maybe I need to work on learning how to communicate with people again to start with. Trevor effectively ended all the friendships I’d begun making at Marley Coast, and I was too nervous and insecure to make friends at Longwood U.

I’m not even sure I know how to talk to someone like a normal human being anymore.

I take a shower. All the while, I continue to tell myself that this is my new mission and I’m going to make it happen. It’ll be fine. I can make friends, and we’ll be lifelong, uh, friends. Yeah.

Dressed in shorts and a tee, sans shoes since this is the one place in the world that doesn’t seem to enforce the “no shirt, no shoes, no service” rule, I head out. There’s a tech hut not far from here, so I meander my way to it, keeping my sunglasses on so I’m not meeting anyone’s eyes and encouraging them to ask to suck my dick.

The air is warm with the unobscured sun beating down. It’s muggy, but there’s almost always a breeze. It smells of salt water, chlorine, food, and bodies. I’m not sure if this is a bad mixture of scents or not.

Oh, and flowers. There are exotic flowers and flowering trees everywhere. It’s beautiful. I wonder if they’re cultivated to overpower some of the more offending smells.

My whole experience here is really kind of strange. I expected my encounters to be the other way around. “Uh, hey. Wanna suck my cock?” Yes, I’m picturing a himbo. It’s enough that I nearly smile as I push open the door to the hut.

The huts are actually like little office buildings with a thatch roof to make them look more tropical. The walls are lined with “offices,” if you will, that are private. I choose an open door and lock myself inside.

I sit in front of the computer, and for a minute, I stare out the window beyond. There’s a couple walking by holding hands. I don’t know why, but I swear I can see little hearts bouncing around them like I’m reading a comic book. Is it in the way they keep looking at each other? In their smiles? How they naturally wander around as if they’re the only ones here?

My heart clenches in my chest, and I take a breath.

I think I just realized why hooking up doesn’t hold any appeal. I want that right there. I want to fall in love with someone who loves me just like those two obviously love each other. Like Lix and Noah love each other.

As I watch them walk by, I realize that I was surrounded by happy relationships on the Opulence . Max and Deryke, the Buffalo trio—Ethan, Jakub, and Creed—the quiet guy that my brother often hung around with last year, Owen Vincent from the New York hockey team has a new boyfriend too. Oh, and Larson and his diva husband Dylan.

There were far more single guys on the Opulence , but… Those in love just kind of stood out.

Sighing, I turn my attention to the computer. I think my goal for this trip can’t be falling in love. Clearly, I have some issues attracting the right sort of guys, and I’m not sure I trust myself to find someone not like Trevor. Arguably, there are more people unlike him than like him, but… The fact that I found the one abusive guy out of the hundreds of guys on the Marley Coast campus doesn’t give me a lot of confidence in my life choices.

No, my goal still needs to be learning to connect with people again. How do you strike up a conversation and keep it running without awkwardness? Maybe I should have been practicing that on the yacht.

I log in to my email first and find an email chain between Rainbow Dorset University and Lix. I read it from the start to see that they were asking for clarification on a few items—financing, one of my transcripts that wouldn’t open, living accommodations, whether I’d need a meal plan, and information about my interest in soccer.

I nearly choke on my tongue when Lix volunteers Gabe as an endorsement. Of course the school is all on board with a professional MLS player putting in a good word for me. Fuck. I cringe as I read it, especially when Gabe appears in the email chain for a short exchange, giving me a glowing recommendation and talking up my skills. He offers to speak to the coach personally too.

“Oh my god,” I mutter. “I’m going to hell for this.”

Once I get to the end of the chain, in which the assistant coach of RDU’s soccer team sets up a phone meeting with Gabe for a later date, I nearly close out of my emails entirely. But I see another one from Lix, so I open it and hope that it’s not more horror.

Hey, Roux. I know you’re probably freaking out right now about me getting Gabe involved. However, please trust that I know what I’m doing. He will give them an honest endorsement concerning your skills and achievements. I promise. You’ve worked really hard at refining your soccer skills, and I want to make sure you have the best chance of getting on the team.

I imagine you’re probably horrified right now, and I hope you’ll forgive me. This might have been an overstep which I took advantage of since I can’t talk it over with you before making it happen. Convenient, yeah?

Anyway, I hope you’re having all the fun. I have this under control. Just trust in your older brother.

Love you.

Lix

I snort and close out of the email, then I open it again and send back a reply that only says:

Jerk.

I roll my eyes and decide that maybe he deserves more than that, so I hit reply again .

You’re still a jerk, but thank you for keeping on this. I’m having a great time. Love you too. Give my best to Noah.

Before I send it, I read it back a few times. I want to add more that will emphasize that I’m having a great time. Should I tell them that I’ve had no less than a dozen offers to suck my dick? That’s a great reception, right? Maybe I should tell him I met someone, and we’ve been hanging out, so he doesn’t worry about me.

Or maybe that’ll make him worry more because he’ll think it’s someone like Trevor.

Nope, I’m going to leave that out. I could add some things I’ve done… which he’d figure out is a lie since there are no charges to his card.

Okay, forget it. I hit send and close my email after another quick scan of what’s there. I’m not sure if the state of my empty email is sad or happy. On the one hand, there’s only one email that needs to be marked as spam. On the other, I feel it’s a sad state when even spammers don’t show up in my email.

With a sigh, I log off the computer and leave the hut. There’s a rec building close by, so I head there, determined to at least say hi to someone. Only hi. No propositions that involve anyone’s genitals.

As soon as I open the door, I’m hit with a wall of cool air. Immediately, I hear the clack of balls hitting on a pool table. There’s an uproar somewhere that sounds like a bunch of guys are playing video games. Stepping further inside, I hear the fft, ftt, smack of air hockey.

This is ridiculous. I’m twenty years old. I know how to talk to people. Why am I so damn nervous? It’s not like I’m being graded.

I head for the back as I push my sunglasses to rest on top of my head. The walls are lined with old arcade games. There are more stacked by rows, making it feel like I’m actually in an arcade. The only difference is that they don’t cost money to play. You just play them.

I choose Pac Man and begin eating little nuggets and trying to avoid the ghosts. It goes well for a while, and I’m on the ninth level when a shadow falls over me.

“You’ve been playing for a while. You must be pretty good,” he says.

I shrug. “I think it’s mostly luck.”

“Huh. I feel like I’m always looking at the stick and button more than the screen. I suck at these old games.”

“Do you play modern video games?”

He laughs. “On the computer, yes.”

“It’s really not any different. Still hand-eye coordination.”

“Ah. That’s a good point. Guess it’s all in my head. I’m Matty.”

I hesitate to give him my name, though I’m not sure why. But if I give him something random, I’m likely to forget and not respond when he says my name. Once I’ve completed the level, I look at him.

He’s my height with dark hair and brown eyes. He gives me a crooked smile. “Ruby,” I say. That’s close enough to Roux that I’ll at least stop and look, right?

“Like the gem.”

“Yeah,” I say and turn back to the screen. “I guess.”

Matty hangs out at the game for a while, commenting, coaching, and cheering me on. It’s a little funny since he has no idea how to play the game, which is obvious when he wants me to avoid the little bullets that make me invincible.

“How can you not have played Pac Man ?”

“I don’t know. Older generation, I guess.”

I glance at him. “I’m offended.”

He laughs. “Sorry.”

When I’ve finally died but managed to hit the third all-time-high score, we switch to playing foosball. I think he’s definitely hinting at things other than games when he talks about my ability to score and that I’m good with my hands, but at least it feels like it’s in jest and part of our conversation. Like the occasional tease and maybe dig at himself for not being great at foosball.

My stomach growls, signaling the end of gaming. This was fun, at least. I maybe managed to talk to someone for more than five minutes without it leading to a proposition.

“Thanks for the games,” I say as I head for the door.

Matty nods, remaining by the foosball table.

I think maybe I’m in the clear right up until I step outside and he follows. “Hey, Ruby.” I pause to look at him. “I know you’re heading for dinner, but… Is your room close by or… Mine’s not far.”

Sighing, I shake my head. “Sorry, man. I’m not looking to hook up.”

“Oh.” He stares at me as I turn back to the path. “Sorry. See you around.”

“Yeah. Later.”

Almost. We were so damn close.

I grab a sandwich and head for the beach to eat it as I walk on the shore while the sun begins to set. So close.