Page 23

CHAPTER 23

ALKA

A s much as we wanted Ruby to come over last night, he sounded exhausted by the time he got back to his room and finished unpacking. Then he still had to get ready for today, so he didn’t come over last night.

It makes my skin itch that he’s so close and I can’t touch him.

“How are we going to get him our extra car?” I ask as I shave.

Oscar’s leaning against the bathroom counter next to me. He’s still in pajama pants. Sometimes, I wish I’d made a different career choice. One where I didn’t have to leave the house or get out of my pajamas if I didn’t want to.

I mean, Oscar’s offered to let me be a stay-at-home husband. He’d gladly support me, but I think I’d get bored out of my mind. Besides, I really do love my job.

“Hmm,” Oscar answers as he watches me. “Soccer practice tonight, right?” I nod. “Maybe I can pick him up after. Although, we live close enough. I can just order him a Shuttled.”

A rideshare isn’t a bad idea. Very nondescript.

“Or,” he says, “I can pick him up in the car we’re going to let him use. He can tell anyone who might ask that the company he bought the car from is delivering it. ”

“Ah. That’s a good idea. We should make sure it has an oil change and maintenance done before we give it to Ruby.” I gather water into my hands and splash it over my face to remove the remnants of my shaving cream. “I mean Roux.”

“He said we can call him Ruby.”

“Yes but I need to get in the habit of calling him Roux for school purposes.”

Oscar hums in acknowledgment, his head bobbing slightly. “What’s your plan there? I know you were up all night fretting over it.”

I drop the towel I spot dried my face with and give him a bemused look. “I don’t know. I’m going to talk to Harper, and… I think I don’t have a choice but to tell her the truth. I think she’ll keep it to herself, but… I may be fired before too long. At least then this won’t be an issue.”

“Except Ruby-Roux will feel guilty as fuck and think it’s his fault.”

I groan as I open my daily moisturizer. We’re quiet as I finish my morning routine by styling my hair then giving myself a light spray of cologne. I turn to Oscar.

He smiles and takes me in his arms. “It’s going to work out.”

“Are you saying that because you want it to or because you believe it?”

“Both,” he answers.

I sigh, letting myself relax into him. I hope that’s the case. It’s easy to say I want this so badly that I’m making it feel more significant than it is, but there’s something inside me that insists this time is different. Ruby—I mean Roux—is different. Everything about this time is different, and I need to fight for this chance together.

“Okay. Good. You keep manifesting good energy today since I’m going to be a bit panicky until I talk to Harper and see if she’s willing to keep my secret and support this.”

Oscar kisses my cheek. “She will. She’s a good person.”

I think she is too, but she’s a colleague and you don’t always know their true nature. You know the work-person. Not the real-person. We all know you have to pretend to be a lot of things to advance in life. I once walked into the administrative office and overheard one of the deans talking to his longtime secretary who’d just gotten off the phone. I gathered it was a difficult phone call. He said, “I think you exaggerate how much you dislike talking on the phone and soothing people’s tantrums. You’re incredibly good at it.”

She gave him this deadpan look and responded, “Would I have had a job if I told her off and hung up on her?” The dean laughed. “I said I hate talking on the phone to idiots, not that I didn’t know how or that I wasn’t good at it. You do what you have to do at work.”

I think about that a lot when I meet new people at work. Am I seeing them suffer through this conversation with me because they have to be polite to their colleagues, or do they actually think I’m nice? Are they trying to get away from me, or are they actually enjoying this conversation?

I never would have thought about it had I not heard their conversation. She’s absolutely right. Even in a job you love, there are probably going to be aspects of it you hate. And when you can’t avoid them, you need to be good at them. So good that you can hide your dislike of them and have everyone around you fooled.

Oscar makes my breakfast and lunch every day. There’s a breakfast sandwich wrapped in tinfoil to keep it warm, a bowl of fruit, and a travel mug of tea alongside my lunch box that’s packed with many snacks and a little heart on a sticky note. A smile touches my lips as I think about it. Someday, I’m going to bring home the drawer full of sticky notes so he can see that I’ve kept every last one of them.

I kiss my husband goodbye and head for my car. There are days when I think I should walk or jog to school since we live three minutes away by car. Three. Which means my walk, at a slow pace, is only twenty minutes to get from my door to the door of the athletic building. Four of those minutes I’d be walking regardless because of where the staff parking is.

However, I’ve convinced myself it’s difficult to do that when I have my bag, my lunch box, my breakfast, my hot tea… I want to enjoy the three-minute transition from home Alka to work Alka.

Today, I drive around the campus a couple times as I munch on my breakfast sandwich and consider how I’m going to talk to Harper. I need to, and it needs to happen today. Not only did I avoid her after practice yesterday when she witnessed me turn into a spooked man who creepily stared at one of our new players, but I’ve never avoided a conversation with her.

Now, I’m late. I roll my eyes as I pull into a parking spot and begin meandering toward the athletic building. The walls inside are painted to represent the stripes of pride flags. My hall is transgender—blue, pink, white, pink, blue. Halfway down the hall, there’s a line in each strip that tells the meaning of the color.

Blue and pink are pretty straightforward. Pink has traditionally been used to symbolize female identity, so in the flag, it represents the feminine. Blue is the same but for masculinity. The white is the color I look at a lot as I walk down my hall. The white color is for those who are transitioning, people who have a neutral gender or no gender, and those who are intersex.

When I read the words, as I do every single day when I walk by them, I appreciate that there’s a home for everyone. They don’t have to fit into the feminine or the masculine. They can simply be, and the white stripe recognizes them.

That’s what’s great about Rainbow Dorset. This is a home for everyone. Gender, sexuality, creed, nationality—none of those matter. The only criteria is that you’re a good fucking person. Tolerance isn’t expected; it’s enforced. I’ve seen many students be expelled for their words and nasty behavior. I’ve seen staff fired. I’ve seen visitors escorted off the property.

The only thing there’s no tolerance for is bullying and bigotry. This is the safe space. Maybe the white stripe always resonates with me because, in a way, it represents the entire school. We give a home to everyone who needs one. No qualifying questions asked.

I touch the stripe before walking into my office. There’s a smudge in this one place because I touch it every single time I come and go. Others have seen me do it, and, without asking why, they do so as well. I’ve even seen Harper touching that one spot whenever she walks by or comes into my office.

Taking a sip of my tea, I sigh and set it down. Might as well get this over with, then I can relax. Marginally. We’re still going to be hiding this for a while.

Harper’s office is the next door down the hall. The cowardly part of me hopes she’s not here. She’s here, of course. I’m not sure she’s ever called out. Taking a deep, hopefully cleansing breath, I knock.

She looks up and smiles. Not just a smile in greeting. There’s also amusement. No doubt because of yesterday.

I step inside and shut the door. “Have a minute?”

She sits back in her chair to give me her full attention.

“If you’re busy, I can come back,” I offer.

Her smile climbs. “Something really freaked you out yesterday, huh?”

With a huff, I drop onto the chair across from her. “Okay, look. There’s something… sensitive I need to talk to you about, and while this first part is going to sound irrelevant, it’s entirely relevant.”

Now, she’s looking at me curiously.

“You know Oscar and I go away for the summer. All summer.”

“Yes. You leave me with your responsibilities.” I open my mouth to apologize and promise to take some back, but she shakes her head. “Which I appreciate. It’s fun work.”

I’m skeptical, but we’ll address that as next summer approaches. “We go to the Isle of Kala. Are you familiar? ”

“I am. I’ve heard it mentioned at least a hundred times before and following summer break every year.”

“Okay, good. So that’s where we go. We rent a bungalow on the beach and enjoy doing nothing for eight weeks. This year, we met someone. We spent five weeks with him and had agreed to keep seeing each other long distance when we left, knowing it would be difficult.”

This time, Harper’s smile is devoid of her teasing. She looks genuinely happy. “That’s good, Alka.”

“It is. The thing is, we shared information. Lots of personal information. We talked a lot . But apparently there were a few key things we left out that… maybe were overlooked. Or we thought we addressed them, but… And you know I didn’t even look at the roster until I opened it on the field yesterday.”

She snorts. “No kidding.”

I make a face. “I’m sorry. I trust you. I trust you a whole lot. I hope you know that. The only reason I don’t check in much over the summer is because of how much I trust you. I’m hoping that you’ll be my successor one day. I’m hoping that, when Oz and I decide to start a family and I want to cut back some hours, you’ll co-coach with me. Mind you, I’m not sure that’s a thing, but it’s something I’ve thought about when I can’t sleep.”

Harper sighs. Now, her smile is definitely happy, but she’s touched too. “Thanks, Alka. It means a lot that I have your trust and confidence.”

“You do. Completely. Which is also why I’m sharing what I am about to with you.”

“The man you met at Kala turned out to be a student here.”

“Am I that predictable?”

She laughs. “I might not have guessed that’s what happened until now, but I have never seen you react to someone like you did to Roux Kipler.”

I sigh. “Yeah. I met Roux this summer. If it had been just a summer fling or we’d decided to part ways at the end of the summer, this would be different. ”

“That’s not the case.”

I shake my head. “No. You know I date from time to time. Every man I’ve dated has been my boyfriend. Every breakup has been mine alone. They don’t get involved with Oscar. Not because it’s our boundary or something but because we’ve never felt the same way about someone. Roux is different. We’re both dating him. He’s our boyfriend. There’s something very different about this relationship, and… I can’t let it end.”

“What’s your plan?”

“I’m going to ask that you take on more responsibilities. I’ll talk to the dean and see about increasing your pay. I’ll happily give up some of mine to supplement yours.”

Harper’s already shaking her head. “That’s not necessary.”

“That part isn’t a discussion for you.” She glares at me. “I need you to do all the decision making when it comes to who plays, when, and in what position. Anything that anyone might construe as me giving Roux preferable consideration.”

“Okay. That’s easy enough.”

“I also need you to keep me neutral. Don’t let me comment on his performance, positively or negatively, too often. But also, don’t let me ignore him completely. He needs to be just like everyone else on the team.”

“A little more difficult. You think you’re going to be able to do that?”

I huff and lean back in the chair. “I don’t have any idea. That’s why I need your help.”

“I’ll do my best.”

“Also, I’ve been calling him Ruby for six weeks. I need you to make sure I call him Roux.”

“Right. I’m not sure how I’m going to prevent that, but maybe we can use negative association. How do you feel about wearing an elastic around your wrist? I’ll snap it every time you screw that up.”

I give her a wan look. She smirks, shrugging. “I’m open to another suggestion,” she says.

Completely ignoring that, I add, “And, this might be obvious, but can you also please keep this a secret? Like, don’t even tell your pillow at night. Don’t share it with your shadow.”

Harper grins. “Done.”

I rub my hands over my face. “Thanks.”

“I’m going to ask again. You think you’re going to be able to do this? Keep it a complete secret?” Harper asks.

I shake my head. “I don’t know. I’m hoping to keep it a secret long enough to make a backup plan in the eventuality that it’s discovered. Or until he graduates in two years. Whichever comes first.”

She chuckles. “I have your back, Alka.”

“Thank you. I appreciate that more than I can say.”

Now, to figure out said backup plan.