Page 4

CHAPTER 4

ROUX

I look around the room one last time. I’m actually really sad to leave it. This is one of the nicest rooms I’ve ever stayed in. I’m going to miss the balcony and the ocean and… knowing everyone on the yacht.

We might not be friends, but they’re all friendly. There’s familiarity here. I recognize most of the guys from last summer with a few new exceptions. There’s a lot of comfort in knowing all the people around you.

“It’s going to be great,” I remind myself. I’m honestly not sure if this is me trying to convince myself or if somewhere deep inside me, I believe that.

“It’s just like going to college,” I tell the empty room. “I don’t know anyone to begin with, but I’ll make friends.”

I try not to snort in derision. How many friends have I made over the last two years? Between the two schools, I should at least have a couple, right?

Nope. I know for a fact Trevor is to blame for my lack of friends at Marley Coast. I can still hear him saying, Okay, if spending time with your friends is more important than spending time with me. Or the more subtle, I guess I’ll see you when you have time.

In hindsight, it’s so easy to see the manipulation and control Trevor had over my life. He knew everything. He got into every single nook and cranny. Meanwhile, I didn’t even know his real name.

To this day, I can still feel the dread that shivered down my spine when Lix told me that Trevor didn’t exist. He’d given me a fake name. I was sick over it for days. Since he didn’t even give me his real name, I’m willing to bet I didn’t know anything real about him. Everything I knew was fabricated.

I don’t even know his real name! All I know is that Lix assures me he’s been “neutralized,” like, what the fuck does that even mean?

If I had to take a guess, this is why I was always looking over my shoulder at Longwood U. I was still within close proximity to Marley Coast, which meant transportation was easy. He could show up at any time. I didn’t know his name, so I couldn’t just ask around if someone knew him. Chances were that he only used that name with me. I can’t remember a single time when he introduced himself to anyone else in my presence.

He even hated being introduced to my friends. Just say I’m your boyfriend. They don’t need to know me. I’m not their friend.

All the signs were there.

But yeah. I’m going out on a very short limb and saying that the reason I need to leave Longwood, having never been able to get comfortable there, is because I don’t know Trevor’s real name nor what neutralized means.

Yet I’m insisting on spending the rest of the summer on Kala. By myself. Surrounded by people I don’t know.

He could be there. Or worse, I could find someone else just like him. Maybe that’s why I’m so nervous, but maybe that’s also why I’m convinced that I can do this on my own. In six weeks, I’m leaving Kala. All these guys on the island will be nothing but a faint memory.

Okay, perhaps a vivid memory. I’m hoping for a memory I can think back on fondly. I’m hoping to rediscover the confidence that Trevor stripped from me. I’m hoping for some self-reliance. You know, I hope to grow and shit.

Taking a breath, I make one more circuit around the room to make sure I didn’t leave any cords or socks behind. I get down on my knees to peek under the furniture. No underwear or a Speedo, right?

Not that I brought any speedos. That’s a level of comfort in my own skin that I simply don’t have, though I’m not sure that has anything to do with Trevor. No, wait. It probably does, but I think he just built on what was already there.

It’s hard to remember, but I think I’ve always been a little self-conscious. It’s hard not to be when I’m always called a mini Elixon or a young Elixon. I love my brother. He’s my damn hero, and I’m not ashamed to admit that. I love that I look like him and that everyone sees my brother in me.

However, my brother is a pro hockey player. That means he’s fit and stupidly in shape, as is necessary for a full-contact sport like ice hockey.

Me? I guess I’ve always felt scrawny. I initially tried to keep in shape my senior year of high school after giving up soccer. I tried to be more conscious of my physical fitness the year I attended Marley Coast once Trevor began making cutting comments about my appearance. Though that backfired since he thought me attempting to get in better shape was an effort to attract someone new.

Maybe it should have been. I glance at my reflection in the mirror as I get to my feet and head for the door. Last year, I spent time in the campus gym. More than anything, I wanted to feel more confident that I could defend myself.

It was just this feeling that I couldn’t shake. I needed to get stronger. I’m okay right now, I guess, but I’m not my brother. That’s for sure.

I sling my backpack on my back then grab the handle of my suitcase and the bag I brought with me to hold all my electronics. I know they’re going to search my suitcase and backpack, but I thought this would be easier in the long run.

It’s the last day on Kala for the Opulence . As soon as I deboard, they’ll be taking off. Knowing that I’ll fully and truly be alone makes my heart race. Afraid my unease and nerves might be seen through my eyes like open doors, I put my sunglasses on as soon as I get onto the deck.

Everyone is there. I scan the crowd, and I’m pretty sure that all the passengers and a lot of the crew have decided to come see me off. That doesn’t make me self-conscious at all.

Hell, even Captain Tal is there! He’s there with the three heads of the fifty-two-person crew (yes, they go a little overboard on the Opulence , but we never want for anything or need to lift a finger!), Cabot, Orwell, and Silas. I think I’ve seen them a lot more this summer than I had last summer. I won’t say that they hang with the guests, exactly, but they’re definitely more visible than the rest of the crew. More… present and approachable.

Also, gorgeous. I feel like that’s a requirement for working on the Opulence . I’m not sure I’ve drooled so much in my entire life!

My brother and Noah are waiting for me. They smile when they see me approach.

“Orwell arranged a breakfast feast for your last meal on board,” Lix says. He takes my rolling suitcase and sets it aside. I drop my backpack beside it and follow him to the table filled with food. Noah hands me a plate, and I follow him down the side to have my plate filled. It’s rare that we serve ourselves, even in a buffet-style meal. I suppose fifty-two people need something to do to keep themselves busy.

I take a seat on the bench with my brother. Noah joins Max and Deryke—hockey players from Philly—and Oddny Charles, an American football player who’s constantly at odds with Gabe over which “football” is the real, better sport.

Obviously soccer. Like that needs pointing out.

Speaking of Gabe, he’s sitting on a bench across from us. I meet his eyes briefly and give him a smile, one I hope he can’t read anything into.

My stomach flips. Not just because I’m about to be left alone on an island full of hot guys but because I know that I’ve been leading Gabe on for a long time now. Despite repeatedly telling him all I want is a fuck buddy. Friends with benefits.

The fact that I keep calling him to hang out is the part that leads him on. It gives him hope that I’ll eventually become interested in him like he is me, and that’s just not the case. Even though he came to Longwood like eight times last year simply because I asked him to.

Yep, I’m a terrible person who’s afraid of being alone. Maybe I’m just lonely.

“You ready?” Lix asks with a smile as he stuffs food in his face.

My initial plan for this summer was to ask Lix to send me to Kala and skip the boat ride entirely. I’d kind of hinted at it a few times. Noah picked up on it and asked if I’d join them on the yacht for a couple weeks to celebrate Lix retiring. Obviously, I did that, and I’m not even sad about it. My brother’s had an amazing career, he’s a remarkable human being. He deserves to be celebrated.

So here I am, facing Gabe. Clearly, I’ve had a couple low moments over the last few weeks where my better judgment was shoved down a toilet, and I might have fucked around with Gabe a little bit.

My options were limited though. Fuck around with Gabe and further fuel his hope that there might be something between us or sleep with someone else right in front of Gabe. The latter seemed equally shitty.

I know the most obvious answer was to keep my dick in my pants until I got to Kala, but whatever. Part of the reason I kept calling on Gabe last year was because I didn’t trust myself with hooking up with someone I met on campus. The fear of finding another Trevor was far too much. Gabe was safe .

Yep, the more I explain this to myself, the more I realize how shitty a person I am.

“Yeah,” I answer.

“Noah and I can stay for a while,” he offers.

I smile, taking another bite of whatever heaven I’m eating. I really hope that the food on Kala is just as good. I had a snack here and there over the last few days we were docked at the islands, but I had free meals on board the yacht. It felt frivolous to spend money on the island unnecessarily.

“I’m good,” I assure him. “You don’t need to stay.” I glance up at Gabe before looking at my brother, hoping that he hears this too, hopefully in a firm tone. “I want to do this alone. Self-discovery mumbo jumbo or whatever.”

Lix laughs. “Okay. I’ll keep an eye on your transfer while you’re here.”

“Thank you.”

Lix nods.

Throughout the short meal, guys that I’ve been hanging out with over the last couple weeks stop at the bench to say goodbye, wishing me all the sexy fun I can get and to have the time of my young life. Even Azure stops by.

I’m briefly reminded of the very short but intense fucking we had over the course of a few days right after I was picked up. Azure is just an intense guy; everything about him is intense. I think, more than anything, it was that alone that made me end it.

“Be safe,” Azure says. I’m surprised when he rests his hand against my cheek. His thumb brushing against my skin is coarse, but his touch is gentle. His intense, ridiculously light eyes stare into mine, and for a second, I can’t take a breath. “Let us know if you need anything.”

I nod. He gives me a smile, small and somehow intimidating at the same time, before he walks away. I look at my brother. He’s smirking as he chews.

I’m not even going to ask.

Saying goodbye to Gabe is a challenge. I want to make him understand that he’s a really good guy and I appreciate that he comes running anytime I ask him to, but he needs to stop doing that. Tell me no. Especially over the next six weeks.

“Thank you,” I tell him, unsure how to put the rest of it into words. “You know that I… I never meant?—”

“I know, Roux,” he says, and I can hear the sadness in his voice. “Since this is a goodbye in more than just you leaving the yacht, I think I can tell you that I’m crazy about you. I’d give you the world if you gave me the chance. If you change your mind, call me.”

It seems unwise, but I hug him tightly. “You’re far too good a person for me. You know I don’t deserve that.”

“That’s bullshit. You deserve everything, Roux. I just wish you’d let me be the one to give it to you.”

I close my eyes, trying not to let my own sadness bring tears to my eyes. “You know? I wish that too. But I just…”

“You don’t feel the same way,” he says. “I understand, and I’m not upset about it. Regardless of what some people insist, you can’t help how you feel. It’s not your fault.”

“I think we just met at the wrong time,” I tell him.

“Maybe.” He squeezes me a little tighter then takes a step back. We look at each other for a long minute before he gives me another sad smile and walks away.

I feel sick. I shouldn’t have eaten so much.

Captain Tal ruffles my hair, making me glare at him. Orwell and Silas give me big hugs. Cabot gives me an awkward one-arm hug. I’m a little surprised to think I’m going to miss them. I don’t remember them being so present last summer, but they were always around when we were docked this year.

I wonder if someone requested that.

Another round of goodbyes and hugs makes me feel like I’m leaving a whole lot of big brothers. Noah and Lix walk me to the gangplank, and Noah gives me a big, fierce hug as if I’m going off to war. “Have so much fun,” he murmurs. “Use condoms.”

I wince and laugh. I feel his smile .

“Call us if you need anything at all,” he whispers. “I mean anything , Roux.”

I nod. “I will.”

Noah kisses my cheek and releases me. He rests a hand on Lix’s arm before walking back toward the guys. Lix nods in the direction of the ramp, and I lead the way down. He falls into step beside me once we’re on the pier, but we don’t speak as we head for the checkpoint. This time, we stop at the check-in.

“Welcome to the Isle of Kala,” the woman greets with a big smile. “Are you checking in?”

I nod. “Roux Kipler,” I tell her and take out my ID to hand over.

“I’ve got you right here. Staying for six weeks, Mr. Kipler?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

She inclines her head. “I just need a credit card attached to your account. It can be the one you booked with or a different one.”

Lix hands her his credit card. I watch as she scans it, and after a few seconds, she hands it back.

“Dominant wrist, please,” she says.

I reach across the counter with my right hand, and she attaches a rubber bracelet. It’s thin and dark green. I glance at the thin, plastic paper one that Lix still has on his hand. I’m guessing the greater permanence of this one marks me as a guest rather than a visitor in need of a day pass.

“This side is the scanner. It is linked directly to your credit card, your food and beverage package, and serves as the key to your accommodations, which you’ll be escorted to right after you go through security. Do you have any questions, Mr. Kipler?”

I shake my head.

“Then right this way when you’re ready.” She gestures to the path on her right.

I nod, thanking her, and turn to Lix.

“Check in often,” he says. “Promise? ”

I step forward and wrap my arms around him. “Promise. Thank you for spoiling me.”

He sighs. “Happily. You’re the best little brother, and I love being able to give you everything you want.”

“I don’t say this nearly enough, but I love you.”

Lix kisses the side of my head. “Love you too, Roux. Be good. Be safe. Have all the fun. Check in often. And please, check in with your therapist.”

I laugh. Hugging him fiercely, I nod and back away. “I will. I promise that too.”

“Good. Go.”

Nodding, I grab the handle of my suitcase and head down the path I’d been directed to. My heart races. This is it. Time to be an adult. All on my own. Have some fun and maybe… maybe come back a new, better man.