Page 8

STEFANOS

A lice jumps up the second I walk through the door.

“So? How was it?”

I shrug. “It was… fine.”

“What? What’s that face?”

“Nothing, I’m not pulling a face.”

“Yes you are. Was it gross? Was he a dick?”

“Not a dick exactly.”

“So he was a dick.”

Alice’s roommate eyes me from the kitchen when I take a seat on the couch, just in case I wasn’t already aware I’m overstaying my welcome here.

“No, he wasn’t. He was just your typical, stupidly tall, good-looking jock, and the apartment was perfect.”

“He was good-looking?”

You wouldn’t believe!

“ Meh , he was okay I guess.”

She drops down next to me and puts her feet up on the coffee table.

“You know you can stay here until you find somewhere suitable.”

I’m sure her roommate clangs the spoon in her mug way louder than was necessary at that. Maybe all the giggling late at night wasn’t the best move if I wanted to endear her to me?

I help Alice make her mom’s famous beef and radish soup and we eat copious amounts of it in front of our favorite 90s rom-coms for my last night here.

With her snuggled up against me, I don’t want to go and live with a rude hockey player.

But the way her roommate looked at me before going to bed, and the low number in my bank account tells me I don’t have much of a choice.

I wait until Alice is asleep to login to Bookgeeks and send a message to Kelsier38.

RedRum237: I’m sorry I haven’t been very talkative recently. There’s been a lot going on here.

You know that guy I was seeing? Well, we broke up. He cheated on me. So… yeah, that’s that.

I pause before hitting send. Is he going to think me telling him this is me saying ‘hey I’m single again!

Back on the market over here!’ Because that is not what I’m doing.

It just feels right to tell him these things.

We might have stopped being ‘internet intimate’ with each other, but I still feel close to this guy in ways I don’t feel close to anyone save Alice – and she’s never seen the shape of my erect cock beneath sweatpants or made me come via instant message.

The next day I scour the internet again in search of a roommate situation that doesn’t include a rude jock with cheekbones that could cut glass.

But it’s like things only got worse since the last time I looked.

Alice’s roommate is giving me the stink eye over breakfast waffles and so when Alice asks what my plans for the day are, I tell her I’m thinking about getting my stuff from Dorian’s and taking it to my new place.

“So you’re moving in with the jock?”

“Yup, looks like it. I just have to text Alexei and see if today’s an okay time to movie in.”

She stuffs some toast in her mouth before speaking. “Why so soon?”

“No time like the present,” her roommate chirps in.

Alice practically growls, but her roommate is pretending not to hear.

“I can help you. Let me know what Alexei says and we’ll take my car over whenever you’re ready.”

“Thanks.”

Honestly, the last thing I want to do is go over to the apartment I used to share with my boyfriend and pack everything into boxes and trash bags.

It feels like I’ve failed in some way. And even though I know Dorian cheating was not my fault, I can’t help but feel like a failed relationship somehow reflects on my failings as a boyfriend too. It doesn’t help that Dorian was the first boyfriend I ever had.

Alexei doesn’t get back to me right away, of course. Part me of me – the scared part – hopes he’ll ignore me and I’ll have to deal with this some other time. But another part of me just wants to get it out of the way.

When he does reply, it’s a curt, two-word answer.

Sure, whenever.

Charming.

Thanks

At least my reply from Kelsier38 on Bookgeeks is more attentive and… human.

Kelsier38: Hey, I’m sorry, are you okay? That must suck. Let me know if you need to talk.

I draft a quick thank you reply so I’m not leaving him on read and prepare myself to go over to the apartment and face packing up my old life.

“Is Dorian going to be there?” Alice asks as I flip through her Spotify playlists in search of something that doesn’t make my ears bleed, landing on Duality by Slipknot because at least the chorus has a pretty good melody, even if I still don’t understand why they’re screaming at me.

Alice taps her hands on the steering wheel like she’s listening to something pleasant.

“No, he should be at classes all day.”

“Okay, that’s good at least.” She indicates and takes a left onto College Road.

“Has he texted you again in the past few days?”

I’m glad she’s forced to focus on the road, I don’t think I could stand her looking at me right now. “Nope. Not after the first hundred ignored messages and voicemails.”

“That’s good.”

“Mm.”

She sighs, glancing at me. “Stef, it is good, you’ll find someone better, but right now, what you need is to get back to yourself.

We’ll do some fun things, just the two of us.

We’ll go to those throwback afternoons at the movies, cook lots of yummy food, hey, we could even pick up your Korean lessons where we left off.

And maybe you could teach me something in Greek that doesn’t translate to ‘chronic masturbator?’”

I let her words wash over me, even if they aren’t going in. This angsty metal music is actually making sense for the first time.

The apartment looks a little trashed when I let us in, and I remember that I was the one who cleaned and kept it tidy.

I wait for Alice to comment on it, call Dorian a slob or something, but she’s pretending she hasn’t noticed as she storms ahead of me and starts asking sensible questions, like what rooms do I have things in?

“Every room.”

“Okay, let’s start with the bathroom.”

Our toothbrushes are still in the glass by the sink. I tell Alice she can just throw mine out. I already bought a new one when I moved in with her. She moves around the rooms with such a clean efficiency, it’s almost easy to forget that this is my life we’re packing up or throwing out.

We grab my razors, shampoo and cream from the bathroom before moving into the living room where a few of my books are still lined up with Dorian’s on the shelf.

There are framed photographs of us smiling on the side-tables, but Alice ignores them.

I have digital copies of course, but it feels weird leaving them, like they don’t belong to me anymore, when I’m the one who printed them and put them in the frames. Did Dorian ever do anything like that?

We leave the bedroom for last, and this is the room I was most dreading.

There are pictures in here too. A selfie by the bed of us lying on the pillow together, smiling. Alice ignores it and opens the closet.

“I don’t think I need you to tell me which clothes are yours. Dorian has terrible fashion sense.”

I snort, but that’s not the only reason. Dorian’s taller and broader than me too. At least Alice doesn’t tell me I’m too thin – though I do suspect her of trying to discreetly fatten me up with all those beef dishes she feeds me.

We work methodically, folding and putting my clothes into plastic bags. When we’re finished, Alice asks if I have anything in the drawers. My face flushes.

Acting like she didn’t notice, she springs into action. “I’ll start putting the bags in the hallway to load into the car. Let me know if you need any help.”

I hesitate before opening the drawers beside the bed.

The top one has mostly practical things, like condoms and lube and little toys Dorian bought, that we hardly used.

But the bottom drawer holds all the memories I collected throughout our relationship.

I know it’s a bad idea to go there, but I can’t stand the thought of Dorian just throwing it all out after I’m gone.

I crouch by the bed and open the drawer. A cardboard box a little smaller than a shoe box sits inside, and I take it out and open it.

On top are some ticket stubs from movies we’ve seen together.

A few concerts, operas and a ballet. The subway stub from our first date in the city.

More photographs I had printed out, though Dorian didn’t understand why when you have them on your phone anyway.

They remind me of the stacks of photo-albums at my childhood apartment.

Holding faded photographs of generations of people.

Going way back to before my grandparents moved to America in the 60s.

I hear voices outside the door and my heart starts to pound, blood rushing in my ears. I close the lid on the box and stuff it into one of the clothes bags before standing up.

The voices get louder and when I turn around, Dorian is standing in the doorway, his eyes wild and his hair messy.

“Baby, hey.”

Alice rushes up behind him. “Sorry, I tried to tell him to give you a few minutes-”

“It’s fine, I’m done.”

“Wait.” Dorian steps into the room. “Can’t you stay for a while? We can talk-”

“He has nothing to say to you.”

Dorian ignores her.

“I don’t want to talk, I just wanted to get my things.”

“Are you really going to just turn your back on the last six months because of one stupid mistake?”

While my resolve wavers, Alice scoffs. “One mistake, that he knows about.”

Dorian’s nostrils flare. “Stay out of this.” That flash of anger reminds me of a trait of his I never liked very much.

His ability to just change on a dime. It happened sometimes when we were out, and he’d speak to a waiter like they were beneath him.

I couldn’t ignore it, not while my family own a restaurant and wait on customers every day, and he knows that.

When I brought it up, he’d be especially apologetic and leave the waiter a huge tip, but I was still embarrassed.

Seeing him speak to Alice like that reminds me.

I look at him without the rose-tinted glasses and maybe he’s not so pretty after all.

Opening the bag up, I take out the memory box and put it on the bed.

“Is that… oh baby, don’t leave, come on, we can talk about this.”

He tries to grab my arm as I walk past, but Alice pulls me out of the room before he can get purchase.

“I’m not going to hurt him,” Dorian frowns. “He’s my boyfriend, I just want to talk to him.”

We ignore him as we gather the bags Alice has lined up in the hallway, ready to take to the car.

Dorian stands in the doorway, alternating between telling me how ridiculous this is and begging me to forgive him and stay.

I’m shaking when we finally get in the car. My bags piled up in Alice’s trunk.

“You okay?” she squeezes my hand.

I take a deep breath, throwing one last glance at the apartment before saying goodbye to it forever. “Yeah.” I give her hand a squeeze back. “I’m okay.”

“Is this it?” Alice pulls up outside the apartment block where Alexei lives, craning her neck to see the top floor.

“Yep.”

“Looks okay.” She takes her seatbelt off and turns to face me.

“Stef, are you sure you wanna do this? That was pretty intense back there. Maybe you need a bit of time staying with someone you feel comfortable with? Maybe even a week at your parents’ place if you don’t want to stay with me.

You could get the subway into classes for a little bit, it would be doable. ”

I shake my head. “Thank you, but no. I have to do this eventually, and the jock isn’t that bad.”

“You’re sure?” She gives me the eyebrow.

“Positive.”

Alexei buzzes me in and I prepare myself to carry all this stuff up without his help. But as Alice and I are unloading the car, the building door opens and I turn around to find him wedging something under it to keep it open.

He’s dressed in a pair of grey sweatpants, a black t-shirt with the college hockey logo across the front, and a pair of slide-on sandals with no socks. I turn back to the car quickly and carry on unloading, but Alice is on me, whispering in my ear.

“Are you kidding me?”

“What?”

She puts on a deep voice. “ Meh he’s okay I guess.”

“Is that supposed to be me?”

“He’s a fucking God!”

“Hey, need any help?”

Alice and I almost jump out of our skin. Alexei’s a lot closer than I thought he was.

I’m frozen to the spot, but Alice turns with a beaming smile and hands him one of the boxes. “Thanks.”

He just gives her a curt nod before carrying the box into the building like it weighs nothing.

The second his back is turned, Alice glances down at his ass in his sweats and mouths oh my fucking God!

I mouth back, pervert.

Alexei’s holding the elevator when Alice and I make it inside with our boxes - a lot less elegantly than he did. What ensues is an awkward elevator ride to end all awkward elevator rides.

It doesn’t help that Alexei’s aftershave is absolutely delectable.

Or that Alice is grinning like a Cheshire cat.

Or that she keeps elbowing me and wagging her eyebrows.

Or that Alexei keeps clearing his throat in a manner that is weirdly alluring.

Or that I can see his toes in those sandals and they're weirdly attractive.

After that initial awkwardness, we get into a sort of rhythm where we don’t all have to be in the elevator together at once.

It’s only on the last go down that Alexei and I find ourselves alone in it, and by the time this happens, I’m so exhausted and sweaty, I don’t care that I’m in a tiny elevator with probably the hottest guy I’ve ever seen outside of a Marvel movie.

We lug the last of the boxes and bags up and stare at them piled in the middle of Alexei’s living room – our living room.

“Well,” Alice says, clapping her hands together. “That’s everything. I’ll leave you two kids to it.”

I try to signal to her not to leave me, but even if she can see, she’s still walking out the door.

“It was nice to meet you Alice,” Alexei says.

Oh, so he can be polite to strangers?

Alice seems to agree. As I walk her to the door, she says, “see it’s not so hard after all to remember my name.”