Page 5

STEFANOS

I ’ve been awake for what feels like hours by the time Alice opens her eyes. She makes a few promising noises, wriggles around a little, and then closes her eyes again.

“Alice.” I shake her and she smacks my hand away.

“What time is it?”

“I don’t know, you made me turn my phone off and leave it on the other side of the room so I didn’t text Dorian last night.”

“Oh, shit yeah.”

She flops onto her back and opens her eyes, looking up at me with sympathy.

“How are you feeling?” She asks, tucking my hair behind my ear.

“I don’t know. Fine I guess? It was just a stupid argument, we have them all the time.”

I can see her restraining herself. Wanting to tell me that having arguments all the time should really be a sign that things aren’t going well, but I don’t want to hear it.

“You wanna cut class today and slob around in our PJs? I could make that beef and radish soup you like?”

“Thanks, but I think I’d better just get on with things.”

She groans. “You’re running back home to make up with Dorian aren’t you?”

Heat starts spreading from the base of my neck, crawling it’s way up to my face. “No! I’m not gonna just let him off the hook, trust me.”

She sighs and I hate it when she’s disappointed with me.

“Listen, I know you hate Dorian, and I know he can be a dick sometimes, I’m not blind, but I’m also not perfect, and neither is anyone else-”

“Steffy, I’ve been your best friend since freshman year and the guy can’t even remember my name.”

I sink down in the bed. “I know, I’m sorry. He’s forgetful, he doesn’t remember anyone’s name, he calls all his friends by weird nicknames.”

“And he barely ever talks to me any time we run into each other.”

“I think he’s just shy.”

She rolls her eyes. “You make so many excuses for that guy, he should start paying you as his P.R agent.”

“Alice-”

“It’s fine, you never listen to me anyway.”

“Yes I do.”

She looks away, so I put my hands on her shoulders and wait for her to make eye contact again.

“I love you,” I tell her, watching as her expression softens.

“ Gah ,” she sighs. “Love you too.”

I don’t let Alice see I’m in a rush to get home until I’m safely out of sight. Then it’s a mad dash to the subway station to try and catch Dorian before he leaves the house. I can’t wait a whole day without fixing this. I need to know everything’s okay between us so I can relax and stop stressing.

I let myself in with my key and call Dorian’s name, realizing too late that there’s a chance he went back to the bar last night, got wasted and is still sleeping it off in bed.

There’s a crashing sound from the bedroom, a voice, no… voices. Dorian saying something like, “shit.”

Just as I’m about to grab the door handle to the bedroom, Dorian appears, wild-eyed, his hair all over the place.

“Babe, you’re home!”

He’s closed the door behind him and he seems to be shielding it with his body.

Behind it, more clattering sounds emerge.

I can’t push past him, he’s bigger than I am and much stronger, but I’m able to push the door open behind him, revealing a half-naked man hopping around on one foot, looking for his other sock.

At first, I can’t quite believe what I’m seeing. In fact, I refuse to believe what I’m seeing.

The guy in my bedroom looks up and offers a confused, apologetic smile.

“Stef, I can explain.” Dorian says.

So explain, please God explain this away.

But as I watch this strange man collect the rest of his clothes and shuffle past us, I smell Dorian on him. Aftershave, cigarettes, stale beer and sex. And I know no matter what he says now, Dorian won’t be able to explain it away.

I just stand there like an idiot while the guy leaves and closes the door behind him. I can hear Dorian’s voice, but the words are jumbled and don’t make any sense.

I’m only snapped out of my daze when I feel my eyes start to fill with tears. I sniffle and wipe my face, turning to face Dorian finally.

“How could you do this?”

He opens his mouth and closes it again without saying anything. He’s been yapping on and on while I stood there silently, and now I’ve actually asked him a question, he’s been struck dumb.

“I spend one night away from home and you… sleep with someone else. In our bed.”

Oh god, the thought turns my stomach.

“Is this the first time you’ve done something like this?”

“Yes, God yes, Stef listen-”

But there was a flicker of something on his face the second before he answered. Has he cheated on me before? Have I unknowingly slept in a bed some other man has fucked my boyfriend in? Have I had sex with Dorian on top of sheets soiled with some other man’s bodily fluids?

“I think I’m gonna be sick.”

I rush to the bathroom and bend over the toilet, dry heaving for a while like I do after a performance, and like most of those times, nothing comes out. I still feel awful though. Wrung out and exhausted. Empty.

When I turn around, Dorian’s standing there in the doorway, watching me with this parody mask of concern. Does he even give a shit? Has he ever given a shit?

“I’m going to Alice’s.”

He takes a beat before saying, “okay, I’ll give you your space if that’s what you want.”

I pause in the hallway. Is this a trick? Is he trying to worm his way out of owning up to his fuck up? Or does he think if he gives me enough time I’ll come running back?

I replay the image of the strange man hopping around my bedroom half-dressed and make the decision once and for all.

“I’m moving out, I’ll come back for my things another time.”

“Stef, don’t be rash, we can talk about this, you just need time to cool off-”

I slam the door before he can say anything else.

I don’t stop storming away until I’m certain Dorian isn’t following.

There’s a small part of me – or okay, maybe a largish part – that is disappointed he isn’t running down the street shirtless, begging me to stay with tears streaming down his face.

But instead, I’m the only one with a wet face.

Walking like a madman with no real purpose or destination.

If I go to Alice, I know she’ll welcome me with open arms, listen to me complain, hug me while I cry and call Dorian an asshole - and there’s the problem.

Even after what I’ve just witnessed, I can’t completely reconcile the idea that this is it.

And if I tell Alice he cheated on me, there’ll be no going back.

I look at the contacts on my phone, my thumb hovering over my sister’s name, Mama, Baba, my brother Ari. But I can’t tell any of them what’s happened, because they don’t even know Dorian exists.

I call the restaurant, just to hear a friendly voice. Mama answers on the second ring and I can tell straight away they’re busy.

“Tolis’ Taverna, Althea speaking, how can I help?”

“Mama?” Shit, my voice comes out even weedier and more pathetic than I’d feared it would.

“Stef? Everything okay hon?”

“Fine, I…” I pull the phone away from my ear and clear my throat. “I just wanted to see how everyone is?”

The sounds in the background remind me of my childhood. Getting under Mama’s feet, stealing fries from the customers’ plates before they left the kitchen. Helping Baba roll his famous keftedes and trying not to eat them before they’d been plated up.

“Sorry, did I call during the lunch rush?”

“We’re a little rushed off our feet here hon,” I don’t think she heard what I said. “Can I call you back later?”

“Yeah sure, of course.”

She pauses, and I don’t know whether it’s because she’s busy, or because she senses something’s wrong. “Okay,” she says finally. “See you soon hon. Kisses.”

She puts the phone down before I can say it back.

Realizing I can’t walk the streets forever, I text Alice and arrange to meet at her apartment.

Her roommate’s there when I arrive and I feel like I’m intruding. I’m going to have to find somewhere to live, but I just can’t face it right now.

Alice knows as soon as she sees me that something’s wrong. She pulls me into her bedroom and puts her hands on my face, demanding to know what happened.

I can feel the tears welling before I even open my mouth. Alice waits, her eyes widening as her patience wears thin.

“Dorian cheated on me.” Once it’s out, I let myself be bundled up in a hug and cry it out.

“That fucking dick,” she says.

I let her call him a dick. This time, I agree.

We’ve been practicing a piece by Brahms for weeks to perform in the city, and the closer we get to the performance date, the more real it’s starting to feel. We have a couple of practice performances before then at the library, but that doesn’t really make me feel any better.

While I’m putting my violin back in its case, Alice sidles up next to me and squeezes my elbow.

“How you holding up?”

“I’m fine.”

If I think about it again, I’ll start crying, and I don’t want to do that in front of all these people.

It’s only been a couple of days since I moved out of the apartment, most of my stuff is still there because I can’t face Dorian and blocking his number is enough right now to avoid speaking to him.

I keep expecting him to turn up at Alice’s place, drunk and crying, and every day that doesn’t happen makes me a little sadder.

“Hey, I was thinking, why don’t we go to the movies tonight?”

“I’m not really in the mood, can we just stay home?”

Alice bites her lip.

“Your roommate wants us out of the house doesn’t she?”

“Um… kinda.”

“I’m so sorry, I promise I’m looking for a place, it’s just the roommate situation is-”

Before Alice can jump in and stop me tail spinning, Madison, second clarinet, interrupts.

“Did you say you were looking for a roommate?”

“Yeah, why?”

“My brother’s on the hockey team and he said the captain’s looking for a roommate.”

“A hockey player?” Alice screws her nose up. “He doesn’t want to live with some sweaty jock.”

Sweaty jock? Has she seen how sweaty I get after a performance?

“Hey, the hockey team aren’t bad guys.” Madison says.

Alice treats her to that judgmental eyebrow she usually saves for me.