Page 22

STEFANOS

A lexei’s already left the apartment by the time I get up the next morning. The glasses of vodka removed from the table, and all traces of last night erased.

It was hard to sleep, listening to him tossing and turning in the next room.

The memory of his kiss still tingling on my lips.

Of course I wanted him to kiss me. But I never expected him to.

Not in a million years. And I accepted that.

The way you accept that eighty percent - or something like that – of the population is straight.

I was fine with Alexei just being another hot straight guy I admired from afar. Until he kissed me.

Why did he kiss me?

Is he gay? Or bi or… just not straight after all?

I think about how weird he was with me when I moved in and told him I was gay.

And I think about how he was raised. In the church like me, but unlike me, without an older sister or a mom to offer him that knowledge that even if the men in his family had a hard time accepting his sexuality, then at least one person would be there to look out for him.

Alice asks me what’s wrong the minute she sees me at rehearsals, and I consider telling her about what happened. But then I change my mind. This is Alexei’s business to tell. And even though Alice is my best friend and I’d trust her with my life, I don’t know if I should tell her about this.

“Nothing, I’m just tired. I played at the restaurant last night and then I drank vodka with Alexei.” I feel my face flushing, but I ignore it.

“Oh really?”

“Yeah, so? How’s Mischa?”

That takes her mind off me. I listen to her dissect every phone conversation she and Mischa have had since their second date, and I’m as envious as I am happy for her.

I’m so distracted by what happened last night that when Professor Lisette starts talking about the performance we have at the library tonight, it jolts me violently back to reality. I feel Alice’s eyes on me while I pack my violin away.

“Come on, tell me what’s going on, I’m not dropping it until you do.”

I pop the last clasp in place, still unable to look her in the eye. “I just forgot we had a performance tonight.”

“That’s not it, you were weird before she started talking about the performance.”

“I’m just tired, honest.” I hate lying to her, but it just doesn’t feel right telling her about the kiss. I think about the panic on Alexei’s face and my heart aches.

“Hmm.” She keeps in step beside me, my skin prickling at the thought of what she might ask next. What lies I’ll have to come up with.

“So you and Alexei got drunk together.”

“We didn’t get drunk, we had one glass of vodka.” Barely even that.

“Did he meet you at your parents’ restaurant?”

“Yep.”

“What did they think of him?”

“They liked him I guess.” I shrug.

“Hmm.”

I give her the side-eye, but she ignores me.

“So seeing as you two are getting along so well, you guys won’t mind coming to dinner with Micha and I sometime next week.”

The panic in Alexei’s eyes as he pulled away from our kiss tells me otherwise.

“I don’t mind going to dinner with you, but I can’t speak for Alexei.”

“Why not? Did you guys have a vodka-infused row or something?”

Try a vodka-infused kiss.

“No.” I force a laugh. “I just can’t speak for him, that’s all.”

“Hmm.”

“Stop that.”

The apartment is empty when I get home. A big ball of disappointment sits on my chest at the thought of Alexei avoiding me.

Yes, him kissing me felt nice. But becoming friends with him also felt nice.

Actually, watching house flipping shows and going ice skating with Alexei without any of the romantic stuff felt nicer than anything with Dorian ever felt.

And now I might lose all that because he’s freaked out about a kiss.

I logon to Bookgeeks and send a message to Kelsier38. If I can’t talk to Alice - or anyone who actually knows Alexei - about this, then maybe I can talk to someone anonymous?

RedRum237: I have a bit of a problem, I’m wondering if you could give me some advice. I know you don’t want us to meet, and that’s fine, I’ve come to terms with it, so I hope I’m not out of line by telling you this.

I’ve been building up a new friendship with this guy, and something happened between us, and now I think the friendship might be ruined, and I really don’t want it to be.

What should I do?

The second I hit send, I feel better. Lighter. My mom always told me a problem shared is a problem halved and this is the first time I’ve actually believed her. I know I should feel some sort of loss over Kelsier38, but when I think about Alexei and how real he is, I don’t.

I have to get ready for the performance, so I close the computer down and take a shower before changing into my performance suit.

It’s just as stuffy as ever. The collar biting into my neck. The armpits chafing against my clammy skin. Why do we have to wear this stuff to perform? Music isn’t supposed to be stuffy and formal. It’s supposed to be freeing, like the music we play at the restaurant.

I search up the artist Alexei introduced me to on my way to the library, listening to half of her album before I get there. It’s so unlike anything I’ve ever listened to before, and I like it.

I guess I developed a pretentious attitude towards music when I thought I was going to Julliard. Thinking I’d have to fit in with all the future classical music stars. And I do like classical music. But I’m starting to realize that there’s so much more out there that I’ve been missing out on.

The second I step into the library, my airwaves feel like they’re contracting. My heart pounds in my ears and my palms start to sweat.

My mom and Maria texted to wish me luck before I left, and I try to hold onto their belief in me as I step out to take my place with the string section.

I’m actually close to hyperventilating now. Blood is rushing in my ears and I want to rip my tie off. I want to run. I see the fire exit glowing in the distance and imagine running straight through the doors and out of this stuffy room.

But I don’t.

I take my seat with the violins and raise my instrument with shaking hands.

I must play on autopilot. I couldn’t have been very good. I tell myself I see disappointment in every set of eyes watching me as I step off the stage.

Alice grabs me and pulls me out of earshot from everyone.

“Stef, you’re soaking, come on.”

She pulls me outside and the fresh air in the parking lot feels like heaven. I reach up to loosen my tie, but my hands are cramping and I can’t do it.

Alice does it for me. Concern etched on her face the whole time. I feel terrible.

“Come on, let’s go and sit down somewhere.”

I follow her blindly, letting her lead me.

When she finds a bench in the empty quad behind the library, she orders me to sit and I do as I’m told.

She lets me just sit for a while, waiting for my breathing to steady itself. My tie is hanging loose and my shirt’s crumpled.

“I must look a mess.”

“A hot mess.” Alice smiles.

“Thank you for that.”

“You don’t have to thank me, stupid. I’m your friend.”

My eyes start to well and I force it down.

“Steffy, is it really that bad for you? Performing?”

“Not all the time.”

She waits, looking at me softly. Not staring. Not pushing.

“I like performing at the restaurant, and casual things like that. When it’s messy and no one’s expecting you to be perfect.”

She nods. “You know, you don’t have to perform in an orchestra to be a musician.”

“I know that, it’s just… it’s always been the path for a violinist. You get classically trained at a good music school. You play in the orchestra…” I trail off, not wanting to think about the next part. You perform on stages like that, or bigger, for the rest of your life.

“Anyway, I don’t want to let my parents down, they paid a lot of money to get me here.”

Alice sighs, looking down at the patent Mary-Janes she wears under her ‘Amish girl performance dress.’ “I’m sure your parents would understand if you told them you didn’t want to perform.”

“It’s not that they wouldn’t understand. It’s that I don’t want them to be disappointed.”

“Oh Steffy.” Alice puts her arm around me and gives me a good squeeze.

“I’ll be okay. We have this big performance in the city in a few weeks and then there aren’t any more big ones, and then we graduate. I’ll figure it all out then.”

“Maybe you should talk to someone in the meantime to help you get through it, like a counsellor or something?”

I shake my head. “I don’t want Professor Lisette to find out.”

“She wouldn’t have to. It would be confidential.”

Everything in me seizes up at the thought of talking about all of this to a stranger. “I don’t know.”

“Just promise me you’ll think about it okay?”

Alice looks so concerned. I hate that I’m making her feel this way. “Okay.” I say, watching her shoulders sag with relief. “I promise.”

She comes back to the apartment with me. Alexei isn’t home so we make frozen margaritas in his blender and order beef short rib soup and Korean pancakes and put face masks on before putting a movie on the TV.

“I think I’d still marry Corey Taylor.” Alice says between sips of margarita.

“The guy in the scary mask?”

She rolls her eyes. “Obviously not in the mask. What about you?”

“What about me?”

“Who are you gonna marry?”

Alexei’s face flashes to the forefront and I quickly push it out. Obviously I’m not gonna marry him.

“I don’t know.”

“You know who’s cute, the guy from that band…”

The sound of Alexei putting his key in the door makes my heart feel like it physically stopped beating.

Alice turns with a big grin on her face as he steps inside and jumps the second he sees us.

“What?” Alice asks. “Oh, the face masks. Hey, you want one?”

“Um. I’m good. Thanks though.”

She tucks her feet under her while I try to arrange myself into a more attractive, natural-looking pose. It isn’t easy when it probably looks like I spread meringue all over my face. Alexei isn’t looking at us as he goes into the kitchen.

“We ordered food, probably way too much, if you’re hungry.” Alice shouts to him.

“What are you guys making in my blender?”

Alice makes a face at me, like oops, busted.

“Margaritas, you want one?”

How can she be so casual with him? I’m so on edge right now. I know he’s not gonna go ape shit, or at least, I don’t think he is. But I just really don’t want him to be mad at me. Especially not after what happened last night.

Someone rings the doorbell and Alice jumps up to get it.

“That must be the food, you having some Alexei?”

He looks at me and I drop my eyes. “No, thanks, I’m just gonna go study in my room.”

“You sure? My mom always says food helps you concentrate.”

“Yeah, I already ate, thanks.”

After Alexei disappears into his room, we eat our food while we watch the movie, and try not to giggle too loudly.

I show Alice out to her car. It’s dark early these days and I wouldn’t be able to sleep until I know she got home okay.

“Hey, is everything okay with him?”

“Who?”

“Who do you think? Your roommate?”

“Yeah, why?” I rub the back of my neck and hope it’s dark enough for her to miss how hot my cheeks are right now.

“He’s just… distant.”

“He’s always like that.”

“No, he wasn’t like that when we went ice skating, especially not with you.”

I can’t ignore the look on her face.

“Alexei’s straight okay?”

“Okay,” she holds her hands up. “Whatever you say.”

I give her a hug and go back inside, cleaning Alexei’s blender before I go to bed.

I think about knocking on his door, think about what Alice said and the kiss last night. How freaked out he was after it. But it’s silent behind there, and he might be sleeping, so I leave him alone.