Page 35

STEFANOS

I can’t believe Alexei stood up to his dad for me. It should have been amazing. But in the moment, I didn’t want him to. I don’t deserve it.

I’m lying to him. He trusts me and I’m lying to him. And he could blow up his whole life for me, and then find out that I’m not exactly who he thinks I am.

I login to Bookgeeks to check if he’s sent me a message. I did tell him he could contact me if he needed to.

I don’t expect to see anything. I feel like I’d know if Alexei was messaging horror boy, and I tell myself that since we’ve been hooking up, I’ve been giving him what horror boy used to.

So when I see a message notification flash up, my heart leaps into my throat.

My first instinct is jealousy. Does he still want horror boy?

Is there something I’m not giving him? I know it’s ridiculous, because I’m horror boy.

But it’s easier to show your best side online.

And there’s a possibility that the real thing didn’t quite match up to the fantasy.

But then I click on the message and read to the second paragraph and… fuck.

He’s outed himself to me. He’s stopped the hiding and he’s put himself out there. Completely bare and vulnerable. To a guy who’s been lying to him for weeks.

Fuck.

I think about messaging back on Bookgeeks and telling him who I am. But this is the coward’s way out. If I’m gonna tell him the truth, then it needs to be face-to-face. That’s the least he deserves.

I wait for him to come home, my head spinning.

Going through what I should say and how I should say it.

I don’t know if it’s the coward in me again, but a thought pushes to the front, telling me that Alexei is gonna be tired and probably sore from his game.

I can’t imagine the dinner with his dad went very well either, and the last thing he needs is some emotional revelation when he comes home.

But I can’t just sit here and pretend like he didn’t just come out to horror boy, aka - me. That he didn’t stop the lying and put it all on the line.

I go into my room and close the door before climbing into bed. If he comes home and gets into bed with me, if I’m not asleep already, I’ll pretend to be. I’ll talk to him in the morning. Definitely.

I’m still awake when he gets home.

I listen to him turning his key in the door and taking his shoes off and putting his bag down.

He’s trying to be quiet, and he probably even feels guilty for the way his dad dismissed me.

Guilt churns in my stomach. I’m letting him carry all this guilt around, and I know how much it weighs on him.

I know how heavy it is for him. But I can’t bear to put one more stress on him, not tonight.

The floorboard outside my door creaks, and I stiffen and squeeze my eyes tight shut, anticipating him opening the door and climbing into bed behind me. Fuck I want him to. Wanna feel his body heat and his arms around me. But I don’t deserve his protection or his warmth right now.

He goes to bed in his own room and my heart sinks.

For a split second, when I open my eyes, everything is fresh and new. And then it hits me. I hear Alexei making coffee in the kitchen and brace myself for what I have to do.

He’s wearing his college hockey t-shirt and grey sweats, and when he hears me, he turns around with a sheepish, apologetic smile and asks me if I want coffee.

I can’t stand it anymore.

“Alexei, I need to talk to you.”

“Okay.”

He puts his coffee mug down and pulls a seat up at the table. I stay standing where I am.

“Stef, please sit down, come on, you’re scaring me here. I’m sorry about yesterday, my dad was out of order I-”

“No, please, don’t apologize to me.”

“Don’t make excuses for him, or me. I should have told him I was going home with you. You didn’t deserve that.”

“I did.”

“Stef-”

He stands up, like he’s gonna come around the table and comfort me.

“Stop!”

He freezes, blinking at me in confusion.

“I’ve been lying to you.”

He stares at me for a second, like he didn’t hear me right. “What do you mean?”

“I’m not who you think I am.”

He lets out a confused laugh and takes a step closer, so I take a step back.

I take a deep breath. “I’m horror boy.”

His whole face shuts down. He doesn’t say anything, so I go on.

“Or… RedRum237. I’m the person you’ve been talking to for the past year on Bookgeeks.”

His breathing gets heavier and I think he’s tensing his jaw.

“Alexei? Say something.”

“I don’t understand. Have you been fucking with me or something?”

“No! Alexei, I only found out a couple of weeks ago, I figured it out when I saw your books and your scar, when you hurt yourself and I had to keep checking on you, I’d never been in your room before-” I’m moving towards him now, pleading with him to understand, but he keeps taking tiny steps back, away from me.

“You’ve been lying to me?” He frowns.

“Yes, but Alexei, please understand-”

“Did you see the message I sent horror boy last night?”

I nod.

“I don’t understand.” He runs a hand over his face. “How could you and him be lying to me? You Stef, I don’t...” He shakes his head.

“Please, I’m sorry.”

“I can’t…” He looks around, like he’s searching for an escape. “I need to get out of here.”

“Alexei wait, I’ll leave.”

He rushes to the door and puts his shoes on, not even stopping for a jacket, just picking his keys up from the counter.

“You’re gonna be freezing, put a coat on at least.”

He ignores me, slamming the door behind him.