Page 34

ALEXEI

W e play Harvard at home. The crowds building as we get deeper into the season.

Each point counting towards our shot at making the play-offs and going to the Frozen Four.

It’s never happened in my time here, and this is my last chance.

Maybe if I at least get us to the play-offs, I can show my dad we did it, and he’ll be okay about me moving on?

Even as I think it, I know it’s not gonna work. Getting to the play-offs is only gonna cement the idea of me playing in the NHL. But I can’t stand the thought of the double disappointment. Failing at college hockey and failing at professional hockey.

The team losing to Colgate in my absence puts the pressure on even more, and though I know getting a concussion wasn’t exactly my fault, I can’t help but shoulder the responsibility for the fact we’re here, fighting for our lives right now.

Last time we faced these guys, they kicked our asses, but that was back in November at the start of the season, and I wasn’t the captain then. I can’t let that happen again.

I block out everything except the puck as I skate into position for the opening face-off. Harvard’s star center takes it for the visiting team and I promise myself I won’t get distracted by him the way I did last time.

Focus. No room for mistakes. No room for failure.

The puck drops and everything becomes crystal clear. All pain disappears. Even the roar of the crowd fades into the background like white noise.

We start off strong, with the team working well together to get on the board in the first six minutes. Pawlowski scores from a masterclass turnaround from Brown.

We go into the first break optimistic, and I try to push out what happened in the last game we were ahead in like this. How that all went to shit by the second period.

I remind the guys to stay focused. Not to get sloppy. To stay on Harvard and keep putting the pressure on, no matter what. I don’t want them to feel like the underdogs we are against this team, but I don’t want us to get cocky either.

We go back out there tight and ready for another goal, but it’s Harvard who gets on the board next. Not once, but twice.

My gut clenches at the thought of another big loss after we were the first to score. But I keep it together, rally the guys and keep the energy up, even as we go into the third period two goals to one down.

We still have time to pull this back.

A couple of minutes into the third period, we win possession in the neutral zone and Pawlowski comes powering through Harvard’s defense to find me in a perfect position to shoot.

I catch his puck on my stick and shoot into the right top corner.

Harvard’s goalie doesn’t even manage to get a glove up and it goes in the back of the net. Bringing the score to 2-2.

Relief floods me as I skate over to the bench to slap hands with the rest of the team. But I have to stay calm and not let us get loose now. There’s still a way to go before we can make this a win.

As I skate back for the face-off, I catch sight of my dad on the front row, watching with the same intensity as always.

His hands clasped tightly on his knees. That ultra-focused look on his face.

The only time the focus drops is when he’s cheering or celebrating my goals.

He never shouts or berates me when I’m playing badly.

I don’t know if I’d prefer that. At least that would get it out of the way.

Instead of having to wait until the end of the game to know what he’s thinking.

I try to put it out of my head, but I know I’m distracted. I lose the face-off, and it’s a disastrous loss, because Harvard breaks away with the puck and immediately scores to bring it to 2-3.

We’re scrambling now to level the score and I know we’re messy, but it works, because we’re in Harvard’s faces more than they’re in ours.

I tell myself it’s only a matter of time before we level the score. If we can just do it before the game ends, we can take this into overtime.

In the last minute, Chung scrambles with Harvard’s D-men to win the puck and takes a shot on goal, squeezing it in past the goalie, and taking us into overtime.

We jump all over him, and I don’t dare look into the crowd. I don’t wanna see my dad before we go into O.T to fight for our lives.

Coach comes into the locker room to give us a pep talk.

“We’ve got this men!” He roars. “We’ve got them rattled. Let’s go out there and give our home crowd a show!”

He slaps me on the back on my way out of the locker room. “Good job Captain.”

I let that good job bolster me, even as my shoulder starts to ache. It’s been a while since I played a game this competitive into overtime. And my body is really feeling the strain.

Our band starts playing Seven Nation Army as we skate out onto the ice and as Pawlowski looks up into the crowd to look at Alice, I follow his gaze to find Stef sitting near the band, all wrapped up in his cute little duffle coat and a scarf.

His light brown hair making a little halo around his head.

He’s cheering and clapping, even though he’s probably confused as hell.

Seeing him doesn’t distract me the way seeing my dad does. It pumps me up. Knowing he has my back.

I share a look with Pawlowski before going into the face-off.

We’ve built up ways of communicating without words over the past four years that gives us the edge against teammates who have only known each other for five minutes.

And we use that edge when I win the face-off to get the puck through the neutral zone and into Harvard’s end.

Attacking the net and putting pressure on their goalie from the off.

I take a hit in the right side corner behind the goal, but I block out the pain that follows in my shoulder. Everyone in the NCAA knows I had serious shoulder surgery before coming here, and you’d best believe they take advantage of it any time they can.

I push through, long enough to see Pawlowski score the winning goal and send us one step closer to making it to the play-offs this year.

I let myself celebrate, trying not to think about what my dad will have to say when I get out there.

I spot Stef waiting with Alice and follow Pawlowski out to the stands to say hi to them.

When I see my teammate greet his girlfriend with a kiss, it sets off this bitter, jealous reaction in me I don’t like.

It’s not their fault I can’t kiss my boyfriend in public.

If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine for being so chicken-shit.

Stef looks fucking beautiful, with his nose and cheeks all rosy from the cold. His big brown eyes looking up at me as he says hello.

“I’ve gotta go and find my dad, he’ll probably be waiting outside.” I tell him.

“Okay.”

Alice gives Stef a hug and leaves with Pawlowski, and the thought of leaving Stef there alone kills me.

“Come with?”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’ve met your dad, let me introduce you to mine.”

“I’ve met your dad.” He reminds me.

The way my dad was with Stef last time gives me pause for thought, but I know I won’t let him be rude this time.

“I know, but I mean, let me introduce you properly.”

His eyes go wide.

“Not like that. Not yet.”

“It’s okay, I know what you mean.”

Papa’s waiting outside, looking at his watch. His face lights up when he sees me.

He slaps me on the back and tells me in Russian how good I was. “Some of the other guys could have done with some communication out there, but you, you fucking killed it!”

He’s ignoring Stef completely, so I say in English, “Papa, you remember Stef, my roommate.”

He nods at him, barely taking his eyes from me, and when Stef puts his hand out for him to shake, he looks like he isn’t going to take it at first. When he does, he gives it a terse pump, before letting it go.

He turns to me and starts speaking in Russian about having to leave fast so we can make our reservation.

“Papa, don’t speak Russian, Stef doesn’t understand.”

He keeps talking to me in Russian, half turning his back on Stef. “I’m not speaking to him, I’m speaking to you, come on, we have things to talk about and we’ll be late.”

Stef drops his eyes and puts his hands in his pockets. He doesn’t know what my dad’s saying, but the fact I asked him a question in English and he replied in Russian shows he totally fucking ignored my request.

“Please stop being rude to him.” I say in English. I’m not gonna let him get away with it this time.

His face turns to thunder at the same time Stef pipes up.

“It’s okay Alexei, I have to get home anyway, it was nice to see you again Sir.”

Stef starts to walk away and I reach for him, grabbing his arm through his coat and holding him in place. He looks at me like I’m doing something wrong. Or like I’m hurting him. And I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. Leave my dad standing here, or let Stef go home alone?

In Russian, I say to my dad, “please apologize.”

“What’s got into you?” he asks. “Why are you acting like this?”

I make my decision fast. Letting what I feel pull me for once rather than what I think I’m supposed to do.

“I’m leaving.”

Papa doesn’t say anything as I walk away and I can’t bear to turn around and see him watching me walk away from him.

“You should go back.” Stef says.

“He was rude to you. He has to learn, he can’t treat people like that.”

He stops in front of me. “Please Alexei, don’t fall out with your dad over me, I’m begging you, please go back and make it right.”

That pleading look on his face kills me. The guilt about defying my dad is begging me to go back and apologize too. I don’t have the strength or the energy to fight it if Stef’s telling me to go back.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, please, go.”

“Okay, I’m sorry, I’m so so-”

“It’s okay.” That brave little smile he gives me tells me it’s not okay, but what am I supposed to do? I turn around and find Papa still standing there, watching me like he expected me to come back.

He starts cussing me out in Russian under his breath as I follow him to the subway and I apologize about a million times before we get to the restaurant.

As soon as we sit down and order, he’s moved on from berating me for defying him, to picking apart our game play-by-play.

“You played good tonight, but I have to say, Pawlowski had an even better game. That boy was a machine.”

“He’s a good player.”

“You’re the best player on the team, you should have scored the winning goal.”

Now is not the time to fight him on this. I already defied him once tonight.

While he eats, I ask myself, why now ? Why did I stand up to him for the first time in my life?

The only factor that’s different is Stef.

The fact I’ve stopped lying to myself about this one thing.

That I’ve been honest with another human being who isn’t trapped behind the screen of a computer or a phone.

Unlike horror boy, Stef’s real. And that makes what I feel about him real too.

After graduation, I promise myself. After graduation, I’ll get a good job, help Papa out and wait until he’s got over the fact I’m not playing in the NHL. THEN I’ll tell him about Stef.

It should be scary, how I know I’ll still be with Stef then. If he’ll have me. But it’s not. The only thing that scares me is worrying he won’t wanna be with me too.

On my way back to the apartment, I login to Bookgeeks and send horror boy a message I should have sent the second Stef and I started getting close.

I know you’ve met someone and you can’t talk on here anymore.

I just wanted to let you know I’m happy for you and I respect it.

And I don’t want you to feel guilty, because I’ve met someone too.

I’m sick of lying about everything. Sick of hiding.

You can stay anonymous if you want, but I can’t, not anymore.

My name is Alexei Simakov and I play hockey in the NCAA. I’m from Brooklyn, as you know, but I live in New Jersey and I’m a senior about to graduate with a finance degree. I’ve applied for internships in banks, but what I really want, is to get an job in the NHL and be around hockey forever.

And I’m crazy about my roommate. His name’s Stef and he’s the kindest, most beautiful, bravest, honest person I’ve ever met.

He took care of me when I was hurt. He brings me food and makes sure I eat well. And he makes me feel fearless for the first time in my life, like I could do anything.

I hope you have this with the guy you met, and I hope he knows how amazing you are.

Thank you for listening when I had no one else. I think there were times when you might have saved my life.

Love Kelsier38 aka Alexei