Page 30

ALEXEI

T he guys slap me on the back when they see me in the locker room. I’m not changing into my pads because I know I’m not allowed to practice yet. But I just wanted to be here. To see everyone.

Coach calls me into his office and asks how I’m feeling.

“I’m good. I haven’t had any really serious symptoms. I’ve been sleeping a lot and had a bit of a headache, but I don’t even feel sensitive to light or anything.”

“That’s good. But I still want you to be cautious. You shouldn’t even be here right now. It’s way too bright out there on the ice, even if you’re not feeling sensitive to it right now.”

“I know Coach, but seriously, I’m fine.”

“You’ve been staying off screens, taking it easy?”

“Yeah, my roommate’s been laying down the law.” I blush.

“Good. So you’ll be out for the next three games, but only the Colgate one counts in the standings.”

I nod.

“We’ll get you back for the Harvard game in a few weeks if all goes well, okay?”

“Yes Coach.”

“So make sure you rest up good and get plenty of fluids. And no screens! We’ve still got a shot at the play-offs if we can get some wins against Harvard and Dartmouth.”

“Yes Coach.”

I leave Coach Allan’s office feeling a little lighter than I did before. Even if we’re annihilated by Colgate, we can pull it back with the Harvard and Dartmouth games, and I’ll be back for those.

I try to get some studying done back at the apartment, but I can’t focus and my headache comes back. I take some painkillers instead and use Stef’s login to listen to an audiobook.

When the front door opens, I’m asleep on the couch with a book playing in the background.

“Hey, sorry for waking you.”

The sight of him standing there with his violin case and his books makes my heart race.

“Hey beautiful.”

He smiles and blushes, dropping his eyes.

“How was your day?” he asks, putting his violin case down.

“Good, come and sit with me.”

He takes a seat next to me on the couch and I have to restrain myself from pulling him into my lap. I contend myself with a hand on his thigh instead.

“Coach said I should be back for the Harvard game, so I’ve still got a chance of helping us get to the play-offs.”

“That’s really good.” He nods. But he doesn’t look like he means it.

“Hey, you still worried about me getting hurt?”

“Yes.” He nods. Not even trying to hide it.

I can’t contain myself any longer, I have to lean over and kiss him. He closes his eyes as I get close, fair lashes fluttering over his cheeks.

“How was your day?”

“Good. I have a big performance in the city next week and I’m kinda bricking it.”

“You’ll be great. Can I come?”

“If you want, but you don’t have to, it’ll probably be boring, and it might overlap with your schedule.”

“Will you be playing your violin?”

“Yes.”

“Then it won’t be boring.”

“My parents are gonna be there.”

His breathing’s changed. Become shallower and uneven.

“Hey, it’s gonna be okay.” I say, putting my hand on his face to try and steady his nerves. He rests against it and closes his eyes, his breathing calming down a little.

“Can I take your mind off it?”

His eyes fly open. “No, no sex until your concussion’s better.”

“Who said anything about sex? You have a one-track mind.”

I love seeing that blush spreading up his neck to his cheeks.

“Oh.”

“I was thinking a house flipping show.”

“No screens.”

“Do you wanna listen to an audiobook with me then? I was just halfway through Gretzky’s biography.”

“I have a better idea.”

He stands up, crossing the room to get his violin.

“You sure you wanna play it right now? Isn’t that what’s stressing you out?”

“Nope. Playing the violin relaxes me. It’s performing at fancy auditoriums that stresses me out. And anyway, I like playing for you.”

Everything inside me feels warm as he takes his violin out and perches on the edge of the coffee table. He lifts the bow and pauses before he starts.

“Tell me if it sounds too loud okay? I won’t be offended.”

I nod. So excited to see him play for me I can’t speak.

“Any requests?” he asks.

“You know I don’t know classical music.”

His lips quirk a little before he touches the bow to his instrument.

“I worked on something a little in class today. I think you’ll like it.”

He starts playing, and I’m surprised that I recognize the tune. Is it from an advert or something? And then I realize why I recognize it. It’s the intro to the original, slow version of The Weekend by SZA.

I watch him play, fucking mesmerized. How can he be this perfect?

He stops playing after a few bars and looks at me.

“Was that SZA?”

“Yeah.” He smiles.

“When did you learn that?”

He shrugs, like it’s nothing. “After you showed me that song, I listened to some of her albums and got stuck on that song. I love it. It’s so different to what I thought popular music sounded like.”

“Did you learn that in like half a day? Is there even sheet music out there for that song on the violin?”

“I learned it by ear. My grandfather can do it too on the bouzouki. I guess I inherited that skill from him.”

“You’re like a fucking virtuoso or some shit.”

He laughs and shakes his head. “No, I’m not.”

“What are you talking about? You’re so talented!”

“Talent means nothing if you can’t perform.” He drops his eyes.

“I’ve seen you perform. You were great. You had everyone at the restaurant eating out the palm of your hand.”

“Okay, I can perform for tips.”

For some reason, Nashville comes to mind. That internship I applied for, and the thought of Stef performing at one of those music venues with all those talented musicians. Surely that’s got a similar atmosphere to his dad’s restaurant?

“Have you ever listened to country music?” I ask

He shakes his head.

“Maybe you should.”

“Are you okay?” he asks with a concerned laugh. “Your concussion isn’t playing up?”

“No, my concussion isn’t ‘playing up’ silly. Come here.”

He puts his violin away and joins me on the couch, and this time, I can’t stop myself from bundling him into my lap.

“We really need to talk about last night.” He says. His fingers make circles around the cut in my head. It makes me want to go to sleep again.

“Okay.”

“What’s going on here? Are we just fooling around or-”

“I wouldn’t just fool around. Especially not with you.”

His fingers stop mid-circle. “Why not?”

“Because… you’re too important to me to fool around with.”

“Oh?” he smiles.

“Yeah.”

I kiss him, slow and deep. “I’ve tried talking to someone online before.”

His eyes widen, like maybe he doesn’t wanna hear this, but I need to be honest with him if this is gonna work. I can’t just come out to my dad. Stef’s gonna have to deal with a lot from me if we’re gonna try and be together, the least I can give him is honesty.

“I think this guy has a boyfriend now, but, before that, we shared pictures and-”

“Alexei.” He cuts me off. “You don’t have to tell me this.”

“Does it bother you?”

“No, I just…” he trails off, shaking his head.

“But I need to tell you this.”

He swallows. “Okay.”

“When I was talking to this guy, it was the only time I felt connected to someone like that. To the point where I could see myself having something physical with them. And you’re the only person in real life I’ve ever felt that way about.”

He nods, slowly.

“Are you jealous?”

“No, not jealous.”

“So do you wanna be with me? Like my boyfriend?”

His eyes widen again, this time, he smiles. “Yes.”

“Good. But you know I need time to talk to my dad and-”

“I get it, I’m not out to my family yet either.”

“No, but you will be soon, and I know they’ll be supportive, I can just tell.”

He strokes the hair by my cut again as he talks. “Maybe your dad will surprise you.”

I flinch. “I doubt it. But there are some people I wanna talk to before him.”

“Like who?”

“Like my teammates. Mischa especially.”

“I think Mischa will be cool about it.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure he will be.”

“You know, Alice invited us to dinner with her and Mischa tonight, we don’t have to go but, we could go to a place with low lighting-”

“Sounds good, call her and let her know we’ll be there.”

If I was getting second thoughts about telling one of my teammates I’m gay, seeing Stef come out of his room in a nice shirt and jeans with his hair all cute and messy and smiling at me like I’m actually someone important to him reminds me what I’m doing this for.

“Ready?” He asks.

“Yup.” He takes my hand and squeezes it.

“If you change your mind about telling Mischa tonight-”

“I won’t.”

Mischa and Alice are already at the restaurant.

It’s a sushi place we absolutely cased every night when we first started playing on the team together freshman year.

We ate so many California rolls I’m surprised we didn’t turn into crabs.

We did get pretty good with chop sticks though.

It also has that low, ambient lighting, so even if I was feeling sensitive to light, I’d be okay.

They have their heads pressed close together, laughing about something.

“They look happy.” I say.

“Yeah,” Stef smiles at me. “They do.”

Mischa stands up and slaps my hand when he sees us.

“We ordered some California rolls for the table.” he says. I look at Alice and she shakes her head with a smile.

My palms start sweating a little while we wait for our drinks to arrive and I remind myself that I don’t have to do this. But I’m sick of being a coward. Sick of lying to everyone and having to hide.

I look at Stef sitting beside me, laughing at something Mischa said, his eyes all shiny under the low-lights, and I know I’ve got this.

I’m guessing Alice already knows about us. She and Stef seem like the kind of friends who tell each other everything. So when the food comes out, I let everyone have a California roll before clearing my throat.

“So, uh, we’ve got something to tell you guys.”

That knowing smile on Alice’s face tells me at least this won’t be news to one person at the table.

Mischa doesn’t even look up from the sushi he’s destroying with his chop sticks.

“Me and Stef are dating.”