Page 5 of Three Not-So-Little Words (The Lawson’s #3)

five

A Vagina Deserves to See the World

Ronnie

“ O h, my God,” I moan as I orgasm, thanks to my vibrator.

One of my vibrators. I have a whole box of toys that I can use whenever I want. I’m all about satisfaction and coming by any means necessary.

Scratch that.

I am all about coming by every means necessary.

I’ve always said that every woman needs a box of fake dicks to take care of her when men fail to do so.

Today, it wasn’t even that I was all that horny. I mean, I was. I’m almost always in the mood. But today, it was more so that I was bored.

What better way to pass the time than double clicking my mouse?

Sometimes, I think that I am more like a man. I’m all about pleasure and that instant gratification. If I had a dick, I swear I would probably never stop touching it.

Now that I’ve gotten my jollies off, I need to go take a shower and get ready to go to my parents’ for dinner. It’s the first time in a while that all of us have been under the same roof. Should be loud and crazy.

Exactly how I like it.

An hour later, I’m surrounded by family. Most of us are scattered around the living room of our childhood home.

“That’s total bullshit!” Liz screams at Michelle. “There is no way that George Clooney is hotter than Brad Pitt.”

Michelle rolls her eyes. “Are you kidding me? George Clooney practically smolders. Those eyes of his!”

Liz waves her hand, almost spilling her beer in the process. “Please. Brad Pitt’s jawline. End of story.”

Michelle retorts. “George Clooney was Batman.”

“True,” I jump in. “But I don’t know that you can count him. His bat suit had literal nipples.”

My teenage niece, Eve, looks confused. “Wait a second. Hold up. George Clooney played Batman? Isn’t he too old?”

Her mother looks offended. “One, he’s not old. Two, he was much younger when he played Batman.”

Eve rolls her eyes. “I think the fact that you had to say much younger proves that he’s old.”

Dylan and his girlfriend come walking in from the kitchen. Dylan asks, “Why the hell are you guys battling Pitt vs. Clooney?”

Leah, his girlfriend, points to the TV that’s on in the background. “Ocean’s Eleven is on.”

Dylan nods. “Got it. With all the yelling, it sounded like the age-old debate you guys would have–Backstreet Boys vs. N’Sync.”

“Who?” Eve asks.

We may have not had any common ground thirty seconds ago, but now we can rally against the teenager who knows nothing about boy bands.

All of us start talking at the same time, growing increasingly louder while we try to get our points across.

Jo, our youngest sister, comes walking in.

Eve looks at her. “Aunt Jo, help me out here. Please tell them that boy bands suck.”

Jo shakes her head. “Oh, hell no. I’m not jumping on that grenade. I was forced to listen to them all. You’re on your own, kid.”

Eve gets tired of listening to us and gets up to leave the room. When she’s gone, immediately Michelle and Liz get back to the Pitt-Clooney debate.

Liz turns to me. “Ronnie can be the tiebreaker. Once and for all, who is hotter?”

“Ladies,” I begin. “I don’t see why it has to be one or the other. I’d want them both at the same time. Hell, throw some Matt Damon in there too.”

They both nod in agreement.

Liz says, “That’s an excellent point.”

Michelle turns to me. “Ronnie, how many guys have you been with at one time?”

Ramping up her intrigue, I ask, “Do you really want to know the answer to that?”

Her eyes dart back and forth as she thinks. “Uhm, I think so.”

Laughing, I reply. “Only one.”

She and Liz both look shocked. Michelle says, “Really?”

“Look, I enjoy focusing all my attention on one other person. More importantly, I want them focusing all of their attention on me. But for the men of Ocean’s Eleven, I may make an exception.”

Dylan walks back in, holding his six-month-old daughter, Luna.

Without a word, he puts her in my lap. I look down at her head full of dark hair and her big brown eyes.

Definitely a Lawson.

Despite the fact that I’m not a kid person, I love my three nieces endlessly. I may know nothing about them as babies, but when they get older, I get to spoil them and send them back to their parents. Now that Eve is a teenager, I love hanging out with her…because she’s completely self-sufficient.

Babies are a whole other ballgame.

As cute as this little girl is, I know she’s one step away from screaming her head off.

A ticking time bomb.

My sisters all sit around me, accompanied by Leah.

Jo asks Liz, “So, you’re getting married in a few days. Are you nervous?”

Liz shakes her head. “Nah. We are practically already married. I would’ve been happy just going around to city hall and doing it on a random Tuesday.”

Michelle asks, “You never dreamed about your wedding?”

“Maybe when I was young. But with a kid and a business to run, it’s just a lot. These days, I opt for convenience more than anything.”

Leah says, “Totally understand that. When Dyl and I get married, I want to keep it simple.”

I audibly gasp. “You two are getting married?”

“Well, not now. But eventually.”

Shaking my head, I say, “Good lord, it’s a fucking epidemic.”

Leah laughs. “I can’t believe you never want to settle down. What if you meet the perfect person?”

I always hate having to explain myself, but I know Leah means no harm. As much as I wanted Dylan to keep living the single life with me, Leah is great for him. I like her.

“Look, I begin. “I’m all about living life to the fullest and having fun. I have found that in a serious relationship, things tend to stop being fun. The other person always tried to change me or tell me how to live my life.”

She asks, “What if they didn’t do those things?”

Even though I know that’s not going to happen, I shrug. “I’ve never met someone who accepted me. And I never have found someone worth giving up my awesome life for.”

Everyone falls silent for a moment, but I don’t let it stay that way for long. “Speaking of fun, when are we going to do your bachelorette party, Liz?”

Her expression turns into one of discomfort. “About that…”

I point my finger at her. “Eliza Lawson, don’t you dare do this to me!”

“It just seems like a lot of work right before the wedding.”

“What?” I cry. “Liz, this is your last hurrah before you’re shackled to one penis for the rest of your life.”

Liz interjects. “To be fair, it’s a really great penis.”

“Not the point, Ma’am,” I tell her. “You better have some toys waiting in the wings because it’s only one penis. A vagina desires more, Liz. A vagina deserves to see the world.”

“Ronnie, while I appreciate your concern for my lady bits, I’m sure she will be just fine.”

“Please, Liz. Just one little bachelorette party,” I beg.

“You’re being crazy. Do you know that?”

“Yes, and believe it or not, I can get crazier. So, just say yes.”

She thinks for a moment before letting out an obnoxious sigh. “Maybe we could go out for a drink.”

“Five drinks,” I try to haggle.

“Two. Final offer.”

“Fine. We can go to the male strip club.”

“Nope. We can go to Andre’s.”

I narrow my eyes at her. “Liz, we have to do something better than going to the bar that our parents own.”

“You can pick another bar, but everyone has to remain clothed. That means you too, Ronnie.”

“It’s like you don’t even care about me having fun.”

“Ronnie,” she warns.

“Alright, alright. I’ll pick another bar.”

Luna shifts in my lap. Shit, I was so busy trying to get my way that I almost forgot I was holding the baby.

A gal has to have priorities.

I look down at her and can’t help but notice how cute she is. I can see why people are lured in by these things.

Suddenly, I feel something warm and wet on my leg.

“Uh, Leah,” I say. “I think your baby is leaking. And I have no idea which orifice it’s coming out of.”

And just like that, any warm and fuzzy feelings I had toward babies go right out the window.