Page 49 of Three Not-So-Little Words (The Lawson’s #3)

forty-nine

Fuck It

Ronnie

“ I s there anything better than laying in bed, eating ice cream after a good fuck?” I ask Drew as I shovel a spoonful of Rocky Road into my mouth.

“Not that I can think of.”

“Over a week is just far too long to go without banging,” I tell him. “I don’t know if we can wait that long again.”

“You won’t hear any arguments from me.” He smiles that classic Drew smile that has me melting a little inside.

We sit in silence for a moment before he says, “Earlier you asked me about Natalie. Why don’t you tell me a little about Aaron?”

“Hmm,” I say, trying to put my thoughts together. “Aaron was always laughing. He was a huge goofball. He would do anything in the world to get me to smile. Even when I was mad as hell at him, he would do something to have me giggling before too long. He was a good guy.”

Suddenly, something occurs to me, and apparently, it’s written all over my face because Drew asks what’s wrong.

“Nothing. It’s just that I knew Aaron when he was a teenager. We were both teenagers. I really have no idea who he would have grown up to be. He probably wouldn’t have even been the same person. I know I’m not the same person that I was back then.”

He doesn’t say anything but instead just listens to me and lets me work through it.

“I still miss him, but I miss the way that he was back then.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” he says. “That’s how you knew him. It’s okay to miss him like he was.”

I know he’s right. At the same time, I’ve been holding onto him for so long. What if he had lived? Would we have ridden off into the sunset together, or would he have just been another notch on my bedpost?

I’ve never really stopped to think about it before. Aaron was my person. My confidant. My best friend. After he died, I never let anyone else get remotely close. That goes for guys and girls. Anyone who wasn’t family, I’ve kept at arm’s length.

Until Drew. Now, he’s the person that I share the most with. The one who I spend most of my time with. Maybe that’s why Aaron is starting to feel like more and more of a distant memory. I still have a special place in my heart for him, but I don’t feel quite as empty as I used to.

As much as I know I need to delve into this and try to figure out what’s going on inside my fucked-up head, I don’t want to get into it right now.

So, I change the subject instead. “Was Colton excited to see his grandma?”

“Oh, yeah. They always have a good time. She spoils him rotten, but I don’t care. He deserves to have at least one decent grandparent.”

“Well, if he comes around my parents, they’ll treat him like one of their own, and trust me, they love to spoil too.”

He smiles. “I’m sure he would love that.”

“And just as a warning, if we don’t take him over for my mom to meet him soon, she will find reasons to stop by. She hates being kept out of the loop on things.”

“Maybe we will have to drop by one day soon.”

We finish our ice cream, and I cuddle up against his chest. As he strokes my hair, he says, “I have something to confess.”

“If you tell me you’re gay, I’m going to lose my shit,” I joke.

“No, not gay,” he laughs. “The other night, I got out of bed to check on you. I saw you and Colton in the kitchen baking cupcakes.”

“You saw that, huh?” I ask, not really knowing what else to say.

“Not the whole thing. I didn’t want to spy or anything, but I saw you talking to him about Natalie and telling him why it’s important to celebrate the people we lose.”

“Are you mad?” I ask.

He uses his finger to lift my chin so that I’m looking at him. “Why would I be mad at you?”

“Because I overstepped a boundary with your kid. I shouldn’t have said any of that stuff without talking to you first.”

“Baby, I’m not mad or even remotely upset. You took a sad six-year-old and helped him find a way to process his grief a little better than he ever has before. I think that’s incredible.”

I shrug my shoulders. “I still shouldn’t have stepped in like that. I just knew it was a hard day for him, and I didn’t want–”

He stops me by pressing his lips to mine. “I wanted to say thank you. I don’t know what all you said and did, but when we talked about it a few days ago, he seemed to have a much better outlook than I’ve ever seen him have before.”

“You’re welcome,” I say. “I spent so long being sad, and Aaron was just my boyfriend. Colton lost his mom. I didn’t want him to get stuck in that same sad spiral.”

He looks into my eyes as his thumb strokes my cheek. “You’re amazing. I know you think you’re not a kid person, but you are wonderful with my son. He’s crazy about you, and I’m right there with him.”

“Speaking of Colton, I have something that I want to ask you. Feel free to say no, but I just thought–”

“Ronnie, spit it out.”

“I have something special that I wanted to do for him. Well, for both of you, I guess. The problem is that it would have to be on a weekday,” I say more nervously than I expected.

The other day when Colton told me he wanted to go see penguins, I thought maybe there was something I could do that would make him happy–something that would remind him of his mom.

In all of my travels, I’ve made a lot of connections, and I cashed in a couple of favors.

Now, I just have to get Drew to jump on board.

He looks confused as all get out.

“Are you going to tell me what the special something is?” He asks.

“Would you be mad if I told you I wanted it to be a surprise?”

He ponders for a moment before his features soften. “Of course, I wouldn’t be mad. It makes me so happy that you want to do something nice for Colton like that.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to overstep any boundaries.”

“You’re not overstepping anything. Ronnie, a couple of months ago, you looked at Colton like he was from another planet. Now, you are wanting to surprise him with something. I think that’s amazing.”

I feel a little embarrassed. “I’m sorry for the way I acted when I first met him. I realize I didn’t handle it very well.”

“Baby, have you ever dated someone with a kid?”

I glare at him. “You already know the answer to that.”

“Okay, have you been around kids a lot?”

I shake my head. “Just my nieces.”

“Then, it’s okay that you weren’t all warm and fuzzy right off the bat.

Before I had Colton, I wouldn’t have considered myself anywhere close to a kid person.

I thought that they were greasy, sticky, little monsters.

Then, I had one of my own, and my thoughts changed.

You seem like your thoughts have changed being around Colton, too. ”

I smile. “Nah, I still think he’s a greasy, sticky, little monster. But I guess he’s cool for the most part.”

He’s right about not being warm and fuzzy toward kids, but it’s not just kids. I’m usually not warm and fuzzy around anyone except my family. Sometimes, that’s even rare. I’ve always been a loner, and it’s never bothered me. But over time, I’ve grown as a person.

Maybe it’s solely because of Drew. Maybe Colton has something to do with it too. Or maybe it’s also because I’m back home for more than just a few days.

It’s probably a combination of all of the above. The point is that I don’t even feel like the same person anymore.

Drew says, “I think Colton and I can play hooky from school and work for a day. Just let me know when, beautiful.”

I grin. “Thank you. I promise he’s going to love it…or at least I hope he will.”

He pulls me close to press his lips against mine. “I’m sure he will love it.”

He kisses me again, this time, not pulling away.

His thumb strokes my cheek as I open for him.

Our tongues play while he moves so that he’s on top of me.

Once he’s there, his fingers link with mine as he holds me in place.

He’s not doing the whole caveman thing. This is remarkably different from that.

He moves the sheet that was between us so that there’s no barrier between our naked bodies. I am usually not one that likes the slow and sweet, but this feels right. Every movement we make is an attempt to get even closer to the other.

I angle my hips toward Drew, trying to get him to push into me. But he hesitates.

Looking at me, he whispers, “Condom?”

The words that come out of my mouth are words that I have never said before.

Ever.

No matter how drunk I was or how horny for that matter. I have always used a condom.

“Fuck it,” I say. “We don’t need it. I had a checkup a month ago, and I have an IUD.”

As he looks at me, a fire burns in his eyes. “Are you sure? I’ve been checked too, and before you, there hasn’t been anyone for a long time. But if you want me to wear one, I will. No questions asked.”

“I’m sure.”

He looks at me as if waiting for me to change my mind. I pull him down to kiss me. That seems to be all it takes to convince him. I suck in a breath as I feel him slide inside.

I’ve fucked a lot of guys. Maybe that makes me sound slutty, but I don’t give a shit. It’s the truth. Since Aaron, it’s always been just fucking. Never more. There hasn’t been emotion or feelings behind it. But this is filled with both.

And I’m not freaked out about it.

All I want is more.