Page 42 of The Time It Takes

Arlie paid attention to driving. He didn't have a lot to say, and he didn't look at me much. But he made sure the temperature of the car was set to my comfort level, and he put on my favorite music, and stopped for breaks every time I even hinted I needed one—and was basically quietly spoiling me. I'd always liked being special to him, someone he had time for and put first in a lot of ways, but maybe I hadn't realized how deep that feeling of wanting to be first in his life could go.

Maybe I hadn't wanted to realize. It was hard to know for sure. I'd felt so safe with him that I hadn't analyzed our relationship to death. I'd just felt grateful for it, for him. Maybe that had been wrong; I didn't know. I couldn't change anything from the past. Going forward, things would be different—whatever happened, or didn't.

We got to the cabin and dragged our bags inside. It was set up nicely, well-stocked and very private. We'd splurged, and it felt like we were spoiling ourselves. All we had to think about was getting comfortable—and going to bed.

He grinned at me, excited, nervous, and I grinned back. It was awkward for both of us—and thrilling. "You have anything else you need to do?"I asked him, testing the waters to see how ready he was to jump straight into bed.

I really wanted to touch his dick. It was something of a revelation to realize just how much.

"Uh, yeah, I kind of need a shower. I got sweaty on the drive."

I gave him an innocent look. "Why, were you nervous or something?"

He ducked his head and laughed. Yeah, he'd been nervous. "I'll shower too, then," I promised him. We might as well both be nice and clean for the dick touching. And whatever else we did. I tried not to think too hard about it, because I didn't want to get nervous. I didn't know how far I'd be ready to go, and how quickly.

While he was in the shower, I quickly put away my clothes, got out a change of clothes, changed my mind and only got out underwear, and then put it all away again and put the condoms and lube in the little side table drawer. Maybe we'd use them, maybe we wouldn't. I just wanted things handy, so there was no awkward search at some point later in the week.

Or tonight. Would he want to do anything that required condoms tonight? Would I be cool with it if he did?

Oh, what the hell. That wasn't going to happen. He was already so worried about me going faster than I wanted—going along to not make things awkward—he probably wouldn't be ready to try anal until way after I was. If that ever happened. I didn't know. I just wanted us to get each other off and see how it felt. I'd been looking forward to it. It would be a relief, and if it was as good as I hoped it would be, and we felt good afterwards, everything more complicated could take its time, if we decided to do it at all.

I just wanted to be with him, close and naked and released. I wanted to be sure we could still feel as good together as we did before we had sex.

It still counted, right? It was still sex if we didn't do anal. I was pretty sure. Sex Ed wasn't great in my school, but everyone had assumed penetration was real sex and everything else was just practice. As an adult, I didn't think that way about it anymore, but all the same, committed sexual relationships usually had a lot of penetration. And it seemed to be pretty important in the gay community, as well, at least for lots of guys.

I wasn't part of the gay community. But the fact was, I was in a relationship with a man, thinking about how much we'd do together, and excited and also kind of scared.

What if it really was an important part of the relationship, and I wasn't up to it? What if I didn't like that, and we sort of had to negotiate so we could both get what we needed? It would be okay to figure that out in time and be flexible. As long as he wasn't disappointed in me. As long as he wasn't settling.

There, I guess that was the real worry. That I wouldn't really be good enough for him.

The shower in the next room stopped, and I jumped.

Hell of a thing to think about, just now. Just what I needed—to get myself worked up with worry, when I was so looking forward to this first time with Arlie. Ah, hell. I grabbed a pair of underwear and got ready to trade places with him in the shower.

He gave me a careful look as he emerged, towel around his waist. I let my gaze linger, let myself admire. It still felt faintly illicit, like I shouldn't let myself notice, shouldn't stare. But I consciously chose to ignore that feeling and let myself see him. I liked what I saw. I always had, really. But this way of appreciating him was more personal, more possessive, more sensual.

He was blushing a little under my stares. He touched my shoulder, and then my chin. "I'll be here. Go ahead." He nodded to the bathroom, and I moved past, giving him a teasing grin, and a teasing look at his crotch area covered by the towel. Was he getting a bit of a hard-on just from me staring at him?

"I won't be long," I said, grinning, and winked at him.

Yeah, we'd be okay. We'd figure this out. Because at least he was feeling something.

#

Itook my time, washingoff carefully. I wanted to be nice and clean for him. I felt extra naked, somehow, showering. Even though I was alone. Wondering what he'd think when he was examining my naked self. What he'd see—whether it would measure up. To him, to some ideal that nobody could really meet, to someone he'd been with before. You know, really wholesome and helpful thoughts like that.

I knew Arlie liked me. I knew I liked him. We liked kissing, snuggling. I was pretty sure we'd like this, too. I let out my breath and turned off the water, stood there dripping a moment, and then got out to dry off.

There was a faint knock at the door. "Want any help in there?"

"What?" I paused, mid-calf, and blinked. What was he talking about? I'd just finished showering. If he'd wanted to sexy-shower together, he should've said so earlier. Also, that sounded a bit difficult for our first time. It only takes one slip on wet tile to make shower sexy times not so sexy after all.

"Drying off?"he said. "Just a thought."

Great, now he sounded self-conscious.

"No, I'll only be a sec." I redoubled my efforts.