Page 24 of The Time It Takes

I wondered how much grooming a beard like that took. It certainly looked movie star-like, with its neat trim and aesthetic salt and pepper mix. Would I ever be able to pull off a beard like that?

"Sure. I like the pack a lot. Arlie and I are close. It's nice to have a support system." Oh God, why couldn't I just say it? "But, recently some things have come up." I sounded casual. Casual enough?

This is why I made the damn appointment. Just say it.

"Uh, recently some things have come up. My partner is bi, but he only dates girls, girls he clearly isn't interested in, and it was pissing me off. I told him he should start dating guys since he's obviously not clicking with anyone. He said the pack wouldn't approve. The pack knew he was bi to begin with, before he joined, so they'd better not disapprove! But anyway, my point is that I promised to talk to someone and figure out if it would actually be an issue or not."

I took a deep breath.

The therapist looked a little confused, but he was still listening carefully.

"I talked to the alpha. He was very chill about it—but mostly when he thought I was...asking for his blessing, I guess, to date Arlie." There, it was out. I sat back, releasing a breath. Such a small thing to be so upset about.

It wasn't the end of the world if someone thought I was gay. Except that it kept happening, and it kept hurting. And I couldn't change my feelings of caring so much about Arlie, and wanting to be part of his life. A big part.

When he realized I wasn't going to elaborate, Dr.Cavan said, "It bothers you that he thought that?"

"Yeah. I've gotten it a lot in my life, and it's kind of a sore spot. I was teased all the time when I was younger for being sensitive and 'too pretty.'" I made air quotes. "It never completely went away, no matter how into girls I was. I was kind of a slut in college. I mean, I slept with a lot of women. They found me attractive, and I was only too happy to have sex. I've never done anything with guys. I never experimented. I've always felt like I was straight. But it really bothers me to have that old assumption poked at."

"You can't control what other people think about you, but it doesn't define you. Only you know yourself."

"I think it's just a little more...warranted, I guess, than it ever was before. I can see how from the outside someone would think I'm into Arlie. We're very close. I just didn't think shifters made assumptions like that. So it threw me for a loop when the alpha said that."

"Anyone can have culturally ingrained ideas. Shifters are not inherently immune to that, or better at knowing other people."

"They can usually read attraction, though." There, it was out of the bag. I stared at him, and he looked calmly back. "It's weird when they're wrong, basically."

"Have other shifters told you they thought you were attracted to your partner?"he asked patiently. "Or was it just this alpha?"

I thought about that and shook my head. "If anyone else thinks it, they don't feel the need to tell me."

"Do you have reason to trust his opinion more than your own? Are you particularly close to him?"

"No, we haven't talked a lot. He's a great guy, but I don't see him very often."

"Perhaps he means well, but doesn't understand your dynamic. An outsider's perspective—especially one who isn't close to you—is probably not reliable compared to your own lived experience."

"Okay. Good. Yeah." I nodded. The thing was, that's what I'd been trying to tell myself, just in clearer words. But it wasn't quite...satisfying. "I do think there's a part of me that will be jealous when Arlie is busy with someone he's in love with. I don't think he'll have as much time for me. I'll miss him, even though I want him to be happy."

"Have you expressed this to him? It's a very common feeling. Priorities may shift when someone is in love, but with effort, they can still make time for healthy and supportive friendships. It sounds like he cares about you a lot. Maybe it would be good for him to know how you're feeling."

"I guess." Could I just come out with it like that? It seemed like such a vulnerable thing to say. I felt a knee-jerk aversion to talking about my feelings even more. I was already pretty vulnerable to Arlie. Not that he'd ever made me feel like a burden.

"Do you think it could be possible he would be glad to hear that you don't want the friendship to lessen if one of you starts dating someone?"

We looked at each other. "I don't know."

"Could it be a reassuring thing to hear? Especially if you haven't approved of his choices in the past. He was worried about his pack's reaction to his dating choices. Is it possible he'd be at least as sensitive about his place in your life, if he makes those choices?"

I thought about Arlie—gentle, quiet, hating confrontation—and shrugged. "He does have a tendency to try to please people. I wouldn't say he's a pushover, but he likes to keep the peace."

Maybe that was part of why we got along so well. Neither of us was great with conflict. I was surprised we'd handled it as well as we had when it came to me disapproving of his dates. It hadn't broken anything in our bond; it had just been uncomfortable.

"Communicating your feelings might strengthen your friendship. It might give him the confidence to move forward, knowing that he has your friendship no matter what."

"Yeah," I managed. "That could be."

I felt a weird resistance, almost a letdown. Did I want to hear that it was weird, how I was feeling? Did I want to hear that I was probably secretly into guys and had just been hiding it from myself? He believed me. And that made it feel like I was making a mountain out of a mole hill to be so bothered.