Page 30 of The Time It Takes

Yeah. I was afraid. I gripped the wheel harder, and had the uncomfortable, growing sensation of something like tears, or a scream, or a panic attack building up in me. Because I could convince myself and everyone else and never look back. But something inside me was screaming, louder and louder.This isn't what I want.

Oh god. What didthatmean?

I went home and headed up to my room to lie down. I should probably work out or something, try to get the emotions out that way, but I didn't want to be around anyone. I just wanted to go to sleep and shut out the world, and whatever I was feeling.

It felt an awful lot like jealousy. Not really jealousy of Mason, or Arlie, finding each other. But of both of them, somehow, and something more. For knowing who they were, and what they wanted, and being brave enough to try.

Why didn't I know what that was for me? And why was I afraid that, under everything else and all the years and trial and error, it really was guys for me, too?

Oh god.

It would be super weird if I really was into guys and it took me this long to find out. Probably even longer to accept it and be okay with myself. And what could I do about it? It would be strange if I started dating guys just because Arlie did, like I was afraid I was missing out or something. Sure, maybe I had more to figure out about myself. But now? At my age? Whynow?

I didn't have to tell him, of course. If I dated, or whatever. I didn't have to let him know anything, especially when I wasn't sure of anything myself. Dr.Cavan had said not to use him as an experiment. I wouldn't; I also didn't have to let him know I was even questioning anything. I didn't have to tell anyone, at least not until I knew more. But it felt like I'd be fake, and a liar, if I hid it. And anyway, I was probably wrong—probably just feeling jealous of whatever connection they had and wishing I could have something like that.

But shouldn't I be feeling that way about wanting a girlfriend, and not feeling this weird, resentful jealousy, like when you find out your friends don't have a curfew, or get to go to Disney for their birthdays, or are looking forward to getting a car from their parents as soon as they get their license—the feeling of "you can do that? You get that?"

What a weird way to feel. There was no point in my life where I'd have needed anyone's permission to date guys if I wanted to. If I knew that was what I wanted. But I'd been so busy hiding from the mere idea, and trying to avoid getting bullied or looked down on, that I'd never even considered it. Not seriously, not like it was actually an option.

Now, seeing Arlie and Mason, and not being in a relationship myself, not trying to convince myself how much I loved whatever girl I was dating, well, it felt more confusing than that. It felt like it must be such a relief to stop trying so hard, to just...find a guy you connected with and not look back.

Why had I never even tried, when I was younger, when I was at the age where people figure this stuff out?

I knew why, when I was honest with myself: I'd been afraid. Afraid of what I might find out. Afraid of proving them all right—of giving in, of making myself a target, someone even more worthy of mockery and shame. All those bullies, all those years of trying to survive and prove them wrong—it would throw away all that time.

But wasn't it throwing away even more time to wait till I was in my thirties to evenlookat it? To give so much power to assholes from the past, instead of myself?

My mood tanked further. I felt so sad and conflicted thinking about it. And cheated. All the time wasted. So many doubts, so many fears. It wasn't right.

It wasn't the fault of Mason or Arlie, even if I had some complicated feelings about having to think about this, and them. I wanted them to be happy, even if I had to grit my teeth and burn with jealousy on the inside. It hurt to see that about myself, to know I was perfectly happy being alone and lonely, when it was Arlie and me, and not just me.

I wasn't going to steal this from him. I wasn't going to sabotage what he was working to find—true connection, a real relationship. But let's just say, if I could bring myself to do it, I had a whole bunch of shiny new things to talk about in therapy.

Goodie.

Chapter fourteen