Page 41 of The Time It Takes

I shook my head. "It's wonderful. You're wonderful. But I'm not doing more than kiss with your pack right outside the door."

He blinked. "They're your pack, too. When are you going to feel like that's true?"

I didn't think that it was, but I liked hearing it. I liked being important enough to him that he thought I was important to everyone else, too.

I smiled at him, trying not to look too giddy, too shy. I scratched at my eyebrow. "I want to be with you, but can we go somewhere private, maybe take a vacation together? We both have some time off we could use, right?"

I wanted to be with him, but I was way too self-conscious to have my first experience with a guy in such a high pressure environment. It wouldn't feel private. Even if nobody heard anything, they'd still know afterwards. And even if they were blasé about it, I would be embarrassed.

I was still figuring it all out, and not ready to be judged by the pack. Or laughed at, or congratulated, or anything at all.

He smiled at me, then. "Yes. Yes, that's a good idea. And for the record, I'm not going to push you to do anything. Ever. You certainly don't have to go to bed with me just because we kissed."

"Well, I'd like to date you. For real. I know you won't push me, but I'm interested. I want to be with you. We just have to figure out how to make it work without blowing up our lives."

Did I really think the pack would take it badly? I didn't really think they'd turn on Arlie, and the alpha liked me for him, so it would probably be fine. But I didn't know how hard it was going to be to adjust to things, both in our private lives and whatever changed in public.

"Our lives aren't going to blow up," he told me. "Either the pack will accept it, or they won't. Either we will work out, or we won't. Each option might require change, but it doesn't have to be explosive." His expression was confident, settled. "The pack not accepting us would hurt—yes. It would mean moving, starting fresh. Looking for a new pack, or doing without. And if we don't work romantically, we will still be friends and partners."

There was no doubt he took this seriously.

Well, so did I. I just didn't know if I was as strong as he was.

"We don't have to hate each other or have the pack reject us for life to get really hard. Work could be a problem." I shrugged.

"They don't have to know." He studied me. "That's not the only thing, is it?"

I grimaced. "I'm not as brave as you," I admitted. "I spent my life freaking out about people thinking I was gay. Now I'm going to be dating a guy. What if I freak out?"

He took a deep breath. "Of course. So we take it slow. Take our time. Keep doing the therapy. And you can change your mind if it's not right for you." He pulled me back in for a hug.

It felt good to be held in his big, strong arms. Tight. Warm. Safe. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to be strong enough to try this—to go for what I wanted.

I breathed against his chest.

Would he have ever said that he found me attractive—that he liked me? I was beginning to doubt it. He was being so careful. But his hesitation wasn't just because I'd been bullied and was sensitive about it, and it wasn't just because this was all new to me.

No, part of it was because he'd come to believe I was someone who went along with things to keep from hurting people's feelings. Who didn't say no very much, maybe didn't even believe he had a right to. I'd have to think about that. Sure, it wasn't flattering, but I'd given him cause to believe at least some of it. I hadn't had the confidence, awareness, or self-respect to leave a clearly destructive relationship that tore me down day by day.

It didn't actually make me a weak person, but it did mean he'd seen that I might sometimes just go along with things when I shouldn't, on a personal level. I didn't think I did that professionally. I was confident on the job. It was just my life that had kind of been a mess.

But not anymore. Not from now on. We'd be better, stronger, as partners in this new way.

I hoped.

#

It took a little longerthan I'd wanted to arrange our vacation together. In the meantime, we kept things undercover and slow, keeping it to kisses and cuddling. I actually didn't mind waiting. It was kind of nice to have the feeling of anticipation, something to look forward to, and it was a good idea to make sure I didn't jump in feet first and then have panic and regrets. I mean, it could still happen, but every day that I felt comfortable and happy with Arlie made it less likely. I wasn't quite as fragile as he thought I was—though maybe I was close.

It wasn't too hard to wait, but all the same, by the time we had our week off together, I was ready. I wanted to see him naked, touch his dick, and see what else we felt like doing together. He didn't have a ton more experience than I did, but any experience made him the expert, as far as I was concerned.

We'd booked a cabin near a lake that was about an hour's drive from here—and very isolated.

We both got tested pretty regularly for our jobs and had clean bills of health. I didn't know how much we'd get up to. But all the same, I made sure to bring condoms and lube—different kinds, since I wasn't sure what would work best. Maybe he'd be bringing something reliable, but I didn't want to ask. I didn't want to have to talk about it before we were ready to try stuff and make it even more awkward when we then had to wait even longer.

The trip in the car together held a new tension—or excitement. I reached over once and put a hand on his thigh, and rubbed, then drew away. I knew I shouldn't distract him. But just the idea that maybe I could distract him felt really powerful and exciting. I wasn't used to feeling sexy or desirable—even though I'd had plenty of times when women found me sexy or desirable. That was different. That wasn't Arlie. Whatever we became, this was way more than a hookup.

And hopefully it would be a lot happier than dating had been for either of us so far, too.