Page 38 of The Time It Takes

Chapter seventeen

Ihadn't consciouslythought a lot about Arlie's looks, his strength, his masculinity. I was always aware, I guess, on some level, and I liked it when he hugged me or paid attention to me, but I hadn't really let myself notice him, just like straight up noticewow, he's amazing.

Or maybe I had, and I'd just kept telling myself otherwise. I couldn't keep doing that, though. I had to move forward from second-guessing myself constantly.

Anyway, I was noticing him now. His sweet smile. The shape of his face. The size of his biceps. The strength and masculinity of him. The way he didn't need to posture to be strong. He could be silly and goofy and respectful of others and not feel weak. It was like because he knew who he was, he could let other people be themselves without judgment, too. I loved all those things about him, and I guess I could see why the precinct loved him so much, even the guys who didn't care for me. People felt safe with him, and they liked him.

I liked him, too. He was my buddy, my partner, my friend. And maybe I was getting a crush on him. Sometimes I just enjoyed the feeling—almost reveling in letting myself actually feel it instead of trying to stuff it down. And sometimes I felt an intense embarrassment that I was so cringe as to get a crush on my partner.

Talk about a stereotype: late blooming bi guy gets a crush on his best friend. Surely that was cringeworthy. But I didn't really feel shame about the fact that he was a guy, and that had to be progress.

Some part of me must've thought he'd be interested in me. Maybe he'd suggest dating—it wouldn't be experimenting if he suggested it, surely—but he didn't make any moves or bring up the subject, or seem to see me any differently than before my big confession. In fact, I felt kind of stupid for being so worried about telling him. He didn't treat me any differently, as if my words had barely made a ripple in his awareness. He was supremely unbothered.

Maybe he didn't take me seriously, thought I was just kidding myself and was still basically straight. It didn't feel like that, though. It felt like his accepting personality and chill, kind nature were the same as they'd always been. He wasn't going to change his mind about me, or hate me, or look down on me.

I'd thought I trusted my partner fully, but I'd clearly had some reservations. Or maybe it was just that I'd been so twisted up about my new discovery that I didn't trust myself, which made it hard to even think of trusting anyone else.

It felt easier to accept myself when he was so chill about it. I didn't spend as much time obsessively going back and forth in my head about it, wondering what would finally prove or disprove it. I could just sort of let it sit now and make a casual plan to date at some point and have fun figuring it out.

Fun? Did I think it would be fun to date guys? When all I'd been able to think about before was that it would feel humiliating if I was wrong? I guess maybe I was changing. Because it did sound fun.

Did I need to move to my own place before I could start dating, though? This wasn't exactly somewhere I'd feel comfortable bringing my date, if I did end up wanting to experiment physically. We'd have to go somewhere else. Maybe that would be okay at first, but if I got serious about anybody, I'd want to have somewhere to live that wasn't a rented room amongst a pack that was always, always going to know what I was getting up to. Not to mention right next door to my partner.

I might be getting more confident, but I wasn'tthatconfident—and probably never would be.

I decided I couldn't wait until I had my whole life figured out before taking the first step. So finally, I asked Arlie which apps I'd get the best experience on.

He looked at me for five stunned seconds before blinking. "You think you're ready, then?"he asked, sounding like he wasn't sure if he wanted to hear the answer or not.

"I think so. I guess if I'm not, I'll find out."

He frowned. He clearly didn't like that. "You really think you're ready to invite some guy home?"

"Relax, I won't be bringing anyone back to my room with the pack."

"So you'll go somewhere else? Or are you taking things slower, like me?"

I shrugged, too large, too awkward. "God, I don't know. I'll figure it out, you know?"

"Cole, I've seen how you are when you're dating. You let people push you around. Is that really how you want to start your bi journey? It could be a really bad experience."

I put my hands on my hips. He was so nice looking, and so irritating, with that worried expression on his face. "I'm not a total pushover, Arlie. You know I'm not."

He pursed his lips. "You were with Darby. You think you'll be different with a guy? A confident guy who tries to manipulate you or pushes for more than you're ready for? Come on, Cole. You need to be careful here."

"Careful enough to wait for years? Is that what you suggest? I can figure this out, but not if I never put myself out there."