Page 31 of The Time It Takes

"I've been questioninga lot of things," I told Dr.Cavan.

Was it fucked up, that some part of me was afraid of him judging me? That I was afraid of being a cliché, a pathetic closet case? I didn't want him to look down on me. But also, this was his job, and he'd handled things fine in the previous conversations related to same sex attraction. And who else was I going to talk to about this?

At some point, I had to get it out and figure it out, or just go nuts. This was bothering me, and it wasn't going away on its own.

"I'm starting to wonder if I would be bi, if I'd ever given myself a chance to find out. I'm kind of mad at myself for not being willing to look at it sooner. But I can't wait any longer."

"I see. Do you feel like this is about your partner? Arlie, wasn't it?" He didn't leap up and make faces of shock and surprise, so maybe it wasn't exactly a shocker. Or he was just being professional.

I had to stop worrying about what he thought of me and just talk.

"No. I mean, yes? Kind of? I'm happy for him. He's dating guys now, and he seems like he's a lot happier. I realized I'm kind of jealous, like he's figuring his stuff out, and I've always been afraid to go there." I waved my hands, as if 'there' was a vague concept, instead of exactly what it was: being into guys.

"Do you think you're feeling envious of him trying new things or simply having a connection with someone?"

"Both, I guess. I wish I had that, something like that connection, you know? A safe, trusting, affectionate sort of thing. It sounds weird, but I don't feel like I've ever really had that. It was just...missing." I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to be calm, and finally I admitted the worst part. "I've tried so hard with women. But it's never...easy. Like, actual connection, not just sex. Sex is fine, it's not that. It's everything else. Even when I'm dating, even when I'm really all in."

"Could you tell me what you mean when you say 'sex is fine?'"

Oh, shit. He was honing in on that part. Was that not a good thing to say?

"What I mean is, I've always been able to have sex with women and enjoy it, at least in the moment. I haven't had complaints. I've found plenty of women attracted to me, and basically, sex hasn't been a problem. I've had lots of sex with women."

That probably sounded incredibly pretentious and defensive. But it was all true. I just had to add the rest of it, because that was true, too.

I took a deep breath and added, "It's just that afterwards, sometimes I feel kind of gross and disconnected, and the emotional stuff just doesn't seem to be there. And when I saw the feelings seemed like they were there—or starting to be there—for Arlie and Mason, like that connection was happening even though they were still so new...I felt jealous. Like it waseasy—they didn't have to try so damn hard."

I rubbed my forehead, trying to hold back my angst. I hadn't meant to get so emotional. Saying it all out loud like that, in plain words, felt very vulnerable, and it didn't sound like something straight at all.

It sounded pretty gay.

And I wished that didn't sound like an insult to me, but it still did.

Words and phrases that had been thrown at me mockingly in my youth echoed back now, a horrible parody of bullying you'd see in some kind of PSA about the topic. But it was my life, and not a joke, and it had really hurt. And maybe fucked me up a little, too. Of course, I was an adult now, but the fact that I hadn't been willing to even think about the possibility of being attracted to men until now meant I hadn't exactly shaken it off easily, didn't it?

I took a shaky breath and went on, while he waited for me, not pushing me, not giving input yet either. I guess he knew I had more to say. Or was too stunned to speak, though probably not that.

"They had permission to feel those things for each other, and they did. And I'd never even let myself think about it, much less take the chance to find out." I finally looked at my therapist, meeting his calm gaze. "I felt jealous that I hadn't found out sooner—tried to date guys in college, maybe. See if there was that connection and emotional stuff, instead of trying too hard with women and never getting what I want."

I took a deep breath. "Even with Darby. I was all in. I really loved her. But it was alwaysso hard. It was never easy and warm and safe. It was just a constant unknown, and trying to jump over every hurdle, but the hurdles kept getting higher and higher. It didn't feel safe or good, not even really from the beginning. But it seemed like the closest I was going to get."

He stirred. "Do you feel that you settled for Darby?"he asked.

I nodded. "I do now. I should've known that wasn't going to work, but I didn't. I had to beat my head against the wall for so long. Trying so damn hard every single day. The worst part is I don't even know if she ever loved me. I was trying so hard to be what I thought would fix it that I didn't even see that."

"Do you think you would have found the sort of relationship you wanted if you'd been dating men?"

"Maybe." I shrugged. "I'm upset that I was so scared to even think about it that maybe I wasted all this time. Suppose I just don't connect with girls as well as guys. I mean, I should know that already. I should know for sure, either way. I should be settled and living my life, you know? Getting ready to buy a house with my girlfriend, or whatever. But now I'm questioning everything."

"There's no deadline for a successful relationship, or a happy life. People have their own timelines. Perhaps you weren't ready to consider this because it didn't feel safe to you."

Yeah, understatement of the year. "It definitely didn't feel safe."

"Do you know why that might be?"

"Sure, I mentioned the bullying thing, right? Well, it was mostly about that. I was a sensitive little nerd, and I was their target. And what they picked to mock me about was mostly 'being gay.' Even though I was just a little kid who had a huge crush on half the girls in my class."

He nodded. "Something about you made them feel insecure, and they chose to blame you and bully you. Did no one intervene?"