Page 25 of The Time It Takes

And the truth was, even if I told Arlie and he took it well, and it strengthened our friendship or something—I would still be jealous when he started dating guys. I felt territorial and squirrelly at the idea. My chest felt tight just thinking about it.

It was horrible, because everything I said made sense with the therapist's calm remarks. And it fit with my life experience. I wasn't into guys, I never had been, and my friendship with Arlie could probably remain strong no matter who he dated.

I wanted all of that to be true.

But I still felt something like angry, something like grief-stricken, at the thought of him dating anyone seriously.

Especially a man. Especially someone who wasn't me.

Okay, there. The thought I'd been circling and trying to hide from, the thought that had made me spiral. I didn't want to date Arlie—unless I did?

"If I was into Arlie," I said, slowly. "How would I know?"

There, it was out of the bag. A big pile of awkwardness, heaped up and waiting for an answer. Not lurking, but staring at me in the face now.

Dr.Cavan didn't look shocked. But I guess they train that out of you if you're a therapist for long enough. But he didn't answer right away.

"Most people know by the time they're teens, right?"I said.

He took his time answering that. "Everyone is different. It could certainly be that you have more to discover about yourself."

Yeah, it could be. I didn't think I had some secret attraction I'd never acknowledged. But I certainly had complicated feelings about guys, and it was also true that I'd been so scarred and hurt by the bullying when I was younger that I hadn't wanted to even think about experimenting or finding out if I was into guys. I'd just wanted to put it all out of my head and stop the pain of that bullying. I'd liked girls, and that was good enough. Even if that attraction was sometimes confusing and unsatisfying, and I found myself longing for closeness with other guys. Not all guys. Just some of them, you know? Wishing I could have deeper friendships and closer bonds. For the most part, I'd never had that. But with Arlie, I did. Was some part of me still scared that made me gay? Or was I just willing to actually think about all of this for the first time?

The therapist continued. "But if you are confused or questioning, it's not necessarily fair to experiment with your partner. You said he was bi, is that right?"

"Yeah."

"So he could easily experience attraction towards you—and might be hurt if you used him as an experiment."

"Yeah, I don't want to do that to him. I don't want to hurt him, ever. I haven't talked to him about any of this. If he's attracted to me, he's never said."

"He might not want to harm the friendship. Feelings can be complicated, but aren't always something to confess. Could that be what the alpha was aware of? That he might be attracted to you?"

I shrugged. "Anything's possible." Would it be easy to be close friends with someone you found attractive and never say or do anything about that? No, but doable, especially if you were as in control as Arlie. "He's never weird or jealous or anything. He's just a caring guy, you know?

I thought about what he'd said when I asked him to tell me if someone was into me. He'd been almost superior and knowing about it, which had pissed me off at the time, like I was being ridiculous or faking not knowing, like he thought I was pretending to be shocked when someone found me attractive. I didn't think that was anywhere near true.

But maybe from his perspective, someone being into me just went without saying. He'd even said that lots of shifters found me attractive. At the time, that hadn't meant much to me. He'd said he thought I didn't want to know if someone found me attractive.

"He definitely wouldn't say anything if he was into me. Not ever." I swallowed. "And I'm okay with not knowing. I don't want to pry anything out of him. He's probably the best friend I've ever had. I don't want to do anything to mess that up."

"Could it be possible that he hasn't dated men because he found you attractive? Women might be easier to date, because there was no comparison."

"Geez. He's not that messed up."

We looked at each other.

"Do you think it is wrong if he's dealing with complicated feelings about your friendship?"asked Dr.Cavan calmly. Clearly, there was a right answer to that question.

"He said it was about his pack, though. I don't know. He's never said or done anything that felt like he was crushing on me. At least, not that I noticed."

"Sometimes feelings are messy and don't fit neatly where we think they belong. It could be the emotional closeness brings up feelings close to romantic, and makes it complicated to think about dating other men, if in his subconscious, he's dating you."

"I mean, we do a lot of things together." I hadn't wanted to date for a while, so it was fine with me—more than fine—to spend so much time with him. I liked having his attention. I liked how comfortably close we were.

Dr.Cavan said, "It's normal for shifters and their partners to be close. The bond is important, and they often face life and death situations, while dealing with schedules and priorities others may not understand. It's very common to develop an extremely close relationship. Romantic relationships are also fairly common. Even when both partners are the same gender."

"You've talked to guys who...?"