Page 48 of The Substitute (New York Gods #4)

FORTY

AMbrOSE

It’s been awkward with Tobi since our fight or whatever that was, so when I get to the dorm and find Tobi on his bed with his school stuff spread out, smiling at his phone, I assume he’s Savage. Great.

He looks up and sees me, his smile falls, and he starts chewing on his lip. Fucking shit. I really am losing him.

“Hey,” he says, but it’s quiet and unsure.

“Hey.” I look at his books. “Are you almost done?”

“I was just getting some studying in while I waited for you. I’m done.” Tobi was waiting for me? That almost makes me hopeful.

He packs it up while I stand over him like a fucking creep. Get your shit together, dude.

I scrub a hand down my face and pull my shirt off while I toe off my shoes. I want to touch him so badly, but I don’t know if he’d be into it. Not with how everything is between us.

Once everything is put away, Tobi sits on the edge of his bed and picks at his hands.

“Can I touch you?”

He looks up, surprise clear on his face. “Of course, you can.”

I’m kneeling at his feet in the next heartbeat. Tobi sucks in a startled gasp and freezes, but I don’t stop. I wrap my arms around him and bury my face in his stomach to breathe him in.

He curls his body around me like he’s protecting me from something. If only he could, but what I need shielding from lives in my head. No one can fight that for me.

“I hate how awkward this is,” I say into his shirt.

“Me, too.”

“I don’t know how to fix it, but I’ve really fucking missed you.”

Tobi stretches his arm down my back and circles my waist with his legs, covering more of me. “Me either.” There’s a sadness in his voice that breaks my heart.

He runs his fingers into my hair. “Thank you for having Savage check on me last weekend. It meant a lot.”

“I’m shocked he told you it was me who sent him.

” I can only imagine he’d not want to say anything good about me.

“I sent him to check on you because I couldn’t get back in time to help.

It was only for you, not to help him.” I tighten my grip on him and pull him into my lap.

“I don’t like you sleeping over at his place. ”

Tobi stiffens then sighs. “What do you have against him? He’s been encouraging me to talk to you.”

I grind my teeth. Fucking Savage, sticking his nose into places he doesn’t belong. “My issues with Savage are just that. Mine. They don’t have anything to do with you.”

“Except you hate everything that has to do with him, including me spending time with him.”

“I would hate you spending time with anyone else you were dating. That’s not special to him,” I grit out. “It’s not about hating him, it’s about wanting all your time, and I fucking know that’s unrealistic. I’m trying to deal with it.”

Tobi sighs. “I don’t want to fight anymore.”

“I don’t either.” I close my eyes and make myself take a calming breath. “But when I’m not traveling for a game, I want you here.”

“You travel a lot or don’t come in until after I’m asleep. What’s the difference if I’m here or not?” The fact that Tobi is actually confused about this is frustrating.

“I know you’re here. That’s the difference.” I soften. “I sleep better when you’re here.”

“I sleep better when you’re here, too,” he admits, but then quickly says, “Am I just supposed to sit around and wait for you to have time for me?”

“How is that any different than what you’re doing for him?” I demand.

“What? I’m here, not at his place.”

“Yet it’s fine that he’s gone all the time? Why does he get a free pass for doing the same thing you’re throwing in my face?” I hate that it’s somehow okay for Savage but not for me.

“What does that mean?”

“Has he still not told you?” I pick up my head.

“Told me what?”

I almost laugh. “Where do you think he is right now?” I’m so tired of this song and dance. It’s time he knew the truth, and since Savage doesn’t want to say it, I guess I will.

“He’s doing interviews for medical school,” Tobi says, but he doesn’t sound confident in that answer.

“You realize you have him on this fucking pedestal because he doesn’t want to go into the NHL like I do, but he fucking could. His dad is in the Hall of Fame.”

“What are you talking about?!” Tobi is almost hesitant like he’s already put it together, but he needs me to say it.

“He’s not always at a medical school interview.” I pull up the pregame footage of the Gods’ game and flip my phone around to show him. “He’s playing hockey.”

He takes my phone, staring at the screen. “That can’t be right.”

“He’s the Gods’ starting goalie.”

Tobi’s eyes flick up to mine. Confusion, disbelief, and betrayal are fighting in his eyes as he connects the dots in his head and questions everything he knows.

It hurts to watch and know I’m partly to blame for it for his pain.

It’s not my lie, but I’m the one who told him, and now I have to deal with the consequences of it.

“Why didn’t he tell me? Why did you wait until now?”

“At first, I thought you knew, and then I put it together after our fight, and I didn’t know when to bring it up. I should have. I’m sorry.” I feel bad, maybe I shouldn’t have said anything, but why the fuck hasn’t Savage at this point.

Tobi tosses my phone on the bed and picks up his own. He fires off a quick message, and I can only assume it’s to Savage before saying, “I’m so sick and tired of that answer. Someone needs to tell me something! Stop leaving me in the dark with incomplete data!”

“Incomplete data?” I ask, not sure where this conversation has derailed to.

“It doesn’t matter. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t tell me.” Tobi puts his face in his hands.

I wrap an arm around him. “Everyone has shit they don’t want to drag up. Have you told Savage about the bridge?”

Tobi straightens his spine and squares his shoulders. “You want me to open up and spill my darkest shit to both of you when you won’t to me? Hello, pot, meet kettle. Since you seem to be on a tea spilling adventure, why don’t you just tell him for me? Does he know about the bridge for you?”

“He does, actually. He found me there the first time.”

Tobi’s mouth falls open. “I didn’t know that.”

“I know.”

“Did you tell him about finding me there?”

“I’m not a snitch. I’d never tell him your shit or anything you tell me, and I wouldn’t tell you his. And clearly, he hasn’t told you mine.” Which I feel good about. I may not love the guy, but he’s always been loyal, which I guess is better than I’m currently acting.

“I…I… This whole time I have put him on a pedestal because he was going to med school. I’m sorry.”

“Thank you. I’m so tired of the comparison to him that I can’t live up to because he’s kept you in the dark.

He’s using the fact that you don’t know to his advantage, and it’s bullshit.

I will not live in his fucking shadow anymore.

You of all people should understand that. ” I barely keep back my emotions.

Tobi’s face is bright red, like he’s been slapped, and I hate it. Tears are filling his eyes, and I know I’ve gotten my point across. “I’m so sorry,” he pants as the emotions he’s been bottling up overflow. “I know that’s not enough, and I didn’t mean to, but you’re right. It’s not okay.”

It’s killing me to see him like this and do nothing.

Slowly, I reach out to cup his cheek and brush the tears from his skin.

With a sob, he falls into me and brings his mouth to mine.

It’s salty and desperate but ours. It’s a reconnection.

Tobi clings to me, and I pull his hips to mine so no air lives between our bodies.

I need to ground myself in him, in knowing he’s still here and that I haven’t ruined this.

“I almost pushed you away because I’m so biased against hockey players.

I could have lost you over being an idiot.

” Tobi presses his forehead to mine. “I gave him more leeway because I thought it was interviews, not hockey, but one shouldn’t be more important than the other.

It’s important to you, so it needs to be important to me.

I should have never even compared the two. Wow, I’m such an asshole.”

“You’re not an asshole. I get why you were upset about hockey, but I am not Rhys or your brother.” I close my eyes and let the tension out of my shoulders. “Thank you.”

He runs his nose along mine in a sweet caress. “Can we cuddle? I miss you.”

“Of course we can, but I need you skin to skin.”

He smiles and quickly agrees, ripping his shirt off over his head.

Once we’re down to our boxers, I lie down on his bed and pull his back to my chest, sliding my leg through his.

From chest to feet we’re touching, and it soothes a ragged part of me.

The hand I have on his stomach slides up his chest and throat to his chin.

I turn his chin toward me and take his lips is a slow, deep kiss.

Fuck, I needed this more than I thought.

The control and the proof he’s still in this with me calms a part of my heart.

“Wait, he’s a fucking goalie?”

“Yes?” I ask, confused why that point is sticking out to him.

“My brother is a fucking goalie. Gross!”

I laugh, then slip a hand into his hair, holding him in the position I want while I strip off both our boxers. Tobi grips my wrist and sinks into the possessive hold.

“Can we come like this?” Tobi’s question is hesitant, but I’m so proud of him for asking for what he wants.

“Yes, I just need the lube.” He stiffens for a second but reaches for the drawer where the bottle is. “I’m going to fuck your thighs.”

He shudders and settles back against me. “How did I not know about all the different ways to get off?”

I chuckle into his shoulder and spread his thighs. Propping my foot on the bed, I use my knee to hold his top leg up and wide. It’s a sexy fucking position from where I’m at, but I kind of wish I could see it from the front, too.

Tobi’s face turns red, and he presses his face into the pillow. “What are you doing?”

I pour some lube in my hand and drag it across his upper thigh. “Slicking you up.”

He gasps and arches his hips into my touch. Getting more lube, I cup his balls, stroke his cock, then his other inner thigh. He’s already leaking, and I’ve barely touched him.

“Cross your ankles—lock them together.”

Tobi does what I’ve told him, and I slide my lubed cock between his thighs.

My eyes roll back at the delicious squeeze. “Good fucking boy.”

He whimpers and pushes back against me, my fingers digging into his hip.

“Fuck, it’s been too long, baby. I’m not gonna last.” I wrap my slick hand around his cock and stroke him.

Tobi whines, “Oh fuck, please.” He throws his head back on my shoulder and grips my wrist in a death grip.

“Please what?”

“Move!”

I chuckle into his neck and do just that. My cock drags along his balls, adding more stimulation while I stroke him.

He’s panting and leaking all over my hand while I thrust against him.

I groan into his ear. “So fucking good, baby.”

His thighs clench around me, and I pick up my pace.

“That’s it, squeeze me. Make me come.”

Tobi’s cock pulses in my hand, and he rocks back into me. Cum coats my hand, and he lets out a ragged moan.

“You’re so fucking sexy when you come.”

His thighs relax in the post-nut haze, but when I tap his top leg, he tightens them back up.

“Come for me,” Tobi groans, and I grip his hip, thrusting against him hard and fast as my body tightens, and I ride out my orgasm.

I’m panting into his neck when he sighs. “I didn’t think I would like having cum on me as much as I do.”

I groan and my hips jerk without me telling them to. “You can’t say shit like that.”

He chuckles, and I feel the tip of his finger drag over my slit. “Why not?”

“Because I’ll be forced to come on you every day.”

“I don’t see the downside of this?”

I shake my head, get us cleaned up, then move to my bed since the sheets don’t have cum on them. Yet.

Tobi lies on my chest, and I brush my fingers up and down his back.

“Does Savage know all the stuff you’ve been through?”

“Most of it. We lived together.” If I want a real shot at being with him, he deserves to know some of my history.

It’s not fair that I know about some of his and all he knows is my dad is a grade A asshole.

“My dad figured how I was gay before I did and shipped me off to boarding school so they could fix me.”

Tobi gasps. “Did Savage go with you?”

“No. Our parents weren’t married yet when I first went, and when they moved in, he was allowed to stay at his school in the city.

He was already a star goalie and got a lot of recognition because of who his dad was.

And I don’t know, maybe his mother wouldn’t agree to the boarding school.

But it sucked to leave while he got to stay. ”

“Did his dad get a say? Maybe they split custody.”

“His dad died.”

“What?!” Tobi picks up his head. “When?”

“A few years ago.” I’m shocked. Why hasn’t Savage told him? “That’s his story to tell you. It was really hard on him.”

“I thought I knew him better, but now I feel like I don’t know either of you.”

“You do, but it’s hard to talk about what we’ve been through. We all need to be more open and trust each other.”

“Will you tell me more about boarding school?”

“I don’t even know where to start.” I blow out a breath. “At first, it wasn’t so bad. It was away from my father, which gave me room to breathe, but that only lasted as long as it took me to figure out I like guys and get a boyfriend, and then it turned into hell.”

Tobi’s brows pull. “Hell?”

“They believed in old school catholic punishments for transgressions.” I force myself to keep a neutral look while grimacing internally at some of the beatings I suffered. “There were days I wasn’t sure which would kill me first—their punishments or my mind needing to escape it.”

Tobi wraps up tighter around me. “I’m so sorry.”

“I’ve done a lot of therapy, so it’s less heavy than it used to be.”

“Do you still go to the bridge because…” Tobi doesn’t have to finish the sentence for me to know what he means.

“No, I don’t want to jump off a bridge anymore. I haven’t in a long time. The bridge reminds me of how far I’ve come, and it was where I met you. So it’s a good memory now.” I rub my nose against his. “I hope you don’t either.”

“I don’t. You were right that night.”

“Hmm?”

“You were meant to find me that night. I’m sure of it.”

“I know I was.” I pause for a minute before asking. “What are you going to do about Savage?”

“I don’t know.” The weight of it is visible on him like he’s physically wearing it. “I’m just sad about all of it. I don’t know what to do.”

“Whatever you decide I’m here for you.”

“Really?” He looks up at me.

“Yes.” How could I not be? I wish he understood that.

“Promise?”

“I promise.”