Page 35 of The Substitute (New York Gods #4)

“Leave me alone,” I get out with tears blurring my eyes and clogging my throat.

“Not until you promise.”

“Promise what?”

“That you won’t go back to the bridge.”

His words are a punch to the gut. They steal my breath and make me tremble. There is only one thing he has ever made me promise.

How dare he.

“I already did!” I shriek, shoving at him until he lets me go.

His cologne is invading my head, and if I don’t get free of it, I’ll drown.

I’m so fucking tired of drowning in people who won’t bother to even throw me a life ring.

I’m going to sink into the depths of a place I don’t think I can fight my way out of again, and no one cares enough to even notice.

The frigid air of winter in New York burns my lungs and throat and pebbles my bare skin. Fuck. I left my jacket upstairs, and I can’t go back for it.

Slapping at my pockets, I realize I don’t have my phone or wallet either. I give in to the urge to collapse on the street and scream from the deepest, darkest part of my soul. Just for a minute. Just to relieve the pressure. Just this once.

I’m such a fucking disaster.

I scream until my throat burns, and I lose the feeling in my fingers from gripping my hair. I scream until I’m weak and numb.

Then I wipe my face and stand up. Nothing has changed. No one has stopped to see if I’m okay. The world continued to spin like it always does.

Shoving my hands in my pockets, I start walking. Where the fuck I’ll go, I have no idea, but I can’t stand here waiting for everyone to leave. Can I even go back to the dorm? Not if Ambrose is going to be there.

“Tobi.” I flinch at his voice but don’t stop. The sensation of being in trouble swirls in my gut like I’m a child and I just broke Mom’s favorite lamp. It’s stupid. I’m twenty years old. “Tobi wait!”

He grabs my arm and spins me around but I don’t lift my gaze to his. He hands me my coat which I begrudgingly slip on. If my teeth weren’t starting to chatter, I wouldn’t have taken it. My hands find my pockets and my shoulders drop in relief. My phone and wallet are inside, so I have resources.

“Thank you,” I mutter, not really wanting to speak to him but I don’t really want to be a dick either since he was nice enough to bring me my stuff.

“You’re welcome.” I can feel him appraising me, and it makes my already nervous heart beat faster. “Where are you going?”

I shrug since I don’t actually know.

“You were just going to wander the streets with no jacket, no cell phone, and no wallet?” He slides his hands into his pockets and gives me a disbelieving look.

“Basically.” Why does he even care? He told me he didn’t want me.

“What are you punishing yourself for?”

“Excuse me?” I snap my head up to look at him now. What the fuck? That question is so out of nowhere I don’t know how to answer it. Not that he deserves the answer anyway.

“You’re clearly punishing yourself for something. So what is it? What did you do so wrong that you have to walk around in thirty-five-degree weather with no jacket on as penance?”

Losing you.

“Just leave me alone,” I snap and pull up Savage on my phone.

Tobi: Can I stay with you tonight?

Savage: Of course, you okay?

Tobi: No. I’ll be there in a bit.

I head toward the train station, ignoring Ambrose following me.

“Really? You’re running to him?” He spins me around to face him outside the station, not caring that we’re in the way and causing a traffic jam.

“You said you were done, so leave.” My lip trembles, but I hold his gaze.

“That’s not what I said.” Ambrose grabs my face but quickly looks around and drops it. “I said I won’t be a placeholder. I won’t be used to make someone else jealous.”

“You use me to make Savage jealous all the fucking time!” I yell and shove away from him. “Do I love Rhys? Yes. He was my best fucking friend for most of my life. But I’m not in love with him, you brute! If you can’t tell the difference, that’s a you problem.”

“I’m sorry I can’t be what you need.”

“Don’t you dare!” I shove my finger in his face. “Don’t you play the victim here. I deserve better.”

“I don’t want to fight with you. Please stay and talk to me.”

But I can’t. My head is so fucked up, and I need to not think about my brother and Rhys and fucking hockey.

When I get to Savage’s place, I take a few minutes to clean up and get ahold of myself, to bury the pain of Ambrose until I’m good and angry.

Savage opens the door right away when I knock, standing there with a grin that quickly morphs into concern. “Why do you look like you’ve been crying, baby girl?”

I shake my head. “It’s a long story. Is your roommate home?”

“Yes.”

That stops me from launching myself at him like I want to. When I’m within arms’ reach, Savage pulls me to him and backs us into the apartment, taking my mouth in a hard kiss as the door closes.

Too raw to keep everything bottled up, I cling to him, whimpering into the quiet he’s creating in my chaos. In a matter of seconds, I’m desperate.

“Did you and Ambrose fight?”

“Kind of. I don’t know. Everything went wrong.” I can’t break down with his roommate lingering. I don’t want to overstep.

But Savage pulls me into his arms right there in the entryway. Something Ambrose would never do. “What went wrong?”

I shake my head, not wanting to admit to him about the bridge and why Ambrose’s words fucked me up so much. I know I’m being too harsh, but it’s so hard when he sees right through me.

“Let’s go upstairs.” Savage starts to turn with his arm still around my back.

Someone clears their throat behind us, and I jerk away from Savage. I’m acutely aware that there is no explaining that away as anything but what it was. Fuck. Does his roommate know? Have I ruined this for him? “Oh, uh. Hey.”

“Lovelace, this is my boyfriend Tobi.” Savage grabs my hand and links our fingers. “Tobi, my roommate Lovelace.”

Boyfriend?

“Damn. Nice to meet you! Savage told me all about you.” Lovelace grins and waves but seems shocked.

Tears spring to my eyes, and my head snaps to lock gazes with Savage, who’s smirking at me. He told his roommate about me? Will Ambrose ever come out? Could I even take him home as anything other than my roommate?

“Nice to meet you, too,” I barely manage.

“Come on,” Savage says, pulling on my hand. He chuckles at his roommate, and as we pass, I hear him say, “I’m just as surprised as you are.”

The second we’re in his room and the door is closed, I jump on him, wrapping my arms and legs around him, taking his mouth in a hungry kiss. “I need you,” I say against his lips. “Make me come until I pass out.”

He pulls back enough to look at me, taking in every millimeter of my face before gripping my ass in his huge hands and grinding himself against me.

“Anything you want, baby girl.”

But All I really want is to be worth it.