Page 45 of The Substitute (New York Gods #4)

THIRTY-SEVEN

AMbrOSE

Once again, Tobi slept at Savage’s.

I hate it.

Nights are mine.

Even if Tobi and I are barely speaking, it feels wrong for him to be anywhere else at night. I don’t know how to fix this, and it’s driving me crazy.

Savage can get bent if he thinks I’m giving up nights regularly.

Fuck that. Tobi belongs in our fucking dorm room with me.

It’s my time with him. I look forward to it every day, so when he’s not there, it fucks me up.

Sleep is difficult on a good day, but when he’s not with me, I barely get any rest.

Stripping out of my practice gear, I throw my helmet into my cubby. My movements are angry, aggressive, as I pull the layers off and get in the shower. For a minute, I stand in the water and lean my palms against the wall.

I’m jealous.

Things with Tobi are weird, and he’s spending more time with Savage.

I’m losing him, and it’s killing me. Savage takes him out, probably introduces him to people.

Tobi deserves that, and I know deep down I can’t give it to him.

As much as it hurts, I know Tobi would be better off with Savage.

Happier. Being with me would probably lead him back to the fucking bridge, and I can’t do that to him.

I clench my jaw as a lump forms in my throat. For just a second, I let it hurt. Let myself grieve the loss of the guy I love and can’t have. Once again, Savage is a better fit.

Fucking Savage.

He’s living off his mother’s money, my father’s money.

How can he stand it? Knowing where it comes from?

I know his dad was loaded when he died, but how much of that can be left?

He loves his mom, I get it, and she protected him from my father, but my father is a fucking monster, and she stays with him.

I’m shaking when I shut off the water and wrap a towel around my waist. Most of the guys have left, but Osha is leaning against his cubby, clearly waiting for me.

“What?” I snap, not in the mood for whatever bullshit he’s about to throw at me.

“You’re not okay.”

“Thanks for the psych assessment. I’ll take your findings into consideration.” I turn my back on him and pull my clothes on.

“Everyone can see it, but no one knows why.”

“Alright, and? Glad to know you guys can read body language, congratulations. You want a cookie? A gold star?” I know he hasn’t done anything, but it’s not like I can talk about any of this without outing myself, let alone, who the fuck is sharing a guy with their step-brother? Not really a story I want to spread.

When I turn around, he’s in my face and for once, not smiling. It’s a little concerning. The guy does nothing but crack jokes all the time, but with his arms crossed and the straight line of his mouth, he’s not fucking around.

“Either you talk to me, talk to someone else on the team, talk to the team psych, or we tell Coach there’s something going on and he makes you go.”

“Those are fighting words, Osha. You really want to do this?”

He rolls his shoulders and stretches his neck. “Yeah, I do. You wanna hit me? Go ahead.” He taps his fist against his jaw. “But I’m swinging back, Captain.”

The fact that I consider it for a good thirty seconds tells me he’s right. I’m not okay, and I need to talk to someone. The realization deflates me, and I drop to the bench with my head in my hands.

Osha sits next to me and puts his hand on my shoulder. “We all have demons, man. But when they get loud, we gotta talk about it.”

“I fucking can’t.” I slump, my mood quickly going from angry to defeated.

I’m going to ruin every fucking chance I have of going pro because I’m fucked up over a guy.

“We all have secrets, but talking about them takes away the power they hold over us.”

I laugh, but it’s not funny. “Are you trying to get to the NHL?”

He shrugs. “Aren’t most of us?”

“And how common is the knowledge that you like men?” I look at him, needing to read his expression.

He moves his head left and right in a so-so way. “Eh. Kinda common?” He shrugs again. “Pretty sure the team knows.”

“And that doesn’t bother you? Knowing any of them could let it slip to the wrong people and fuck up your chance for an NHL career?”

“Sure, that could happen, but I’m not living my life in ‘what ifs’ and ‘could bes.’ All that does is take away the life you have now. I’d much rather enjoy myself today.”

I get what he’s saying. It’s nothing Savage hasn’t said to me at one point or another, but I can’t be that short-sighted.

I’ve worked for this for so long, and I can’t go back to my dad with my tail between my legs.

Osha probably has parents who love him and accept him, and won’t make his life a living hell if he brings shame to his name by loving the wrong person. Their definition of wrong anyway.

Loving Tobi is hard but easy. It's hard to share him. It’s hard to fight with myself and the lies the abuse force-fed me. But loving him is easy.

It’s why all this hurts.

“I’m in love with my roommate.” A tear rolls down my cheek at the admission that I’ve said one time out loud.

“Teddy’s brother?” There’s a little shock in his tone that I can’t blame him for.

“Yeah.” I hold up a hand. “I know how fucked up it is, and against the bro code or whatever.”

“Ballsy, my dude.” His head turns toward the cubbies across from us, but he’s not seeing them. “Wait a minute, you told Teddy the Gods’ goalie was—is—fucking him. Did you lie to Teddy?”

I sigh and shake my head. “No. Savage is with him, too.”

“Too? As in also? You’re both dating this guy?”

“It gets worse.”

Osha makes a strangled sound and clears his throat. “I don’t see how it could.”

“Savage is my step-brother.”

“Oh, mother fuck. I did hear that!” He makes a face. “Jesus fucks a duck, dude.”

I’m not asking what that means. “Yeah.”

“And you’re not out. Are you thinking about it?”

I shake my head. “I can’t. There’s too much. Between trying to go pro and my family, I just can’t.” I lean back against the cubby support. “And he deserves more than that, you know?”

“That’s rough, man. Is your family a bunch of homophobic dickbags? What can they do besides say some shit to you?”

“It’s complicated.”

He nods and sits back, too. “Look, you aren’t the only one with a uh non-traditional dating situation.”

He scratches his head and smirks at me.

“What do you mean?”

“My boyfriend lives in Colorado.”

Now I’m confused because I know I’ve seen him hook up with people.

“What? Do you have a cuck thing going on or what?”

He laughs. “I mean, kinda. We have rules. Since we don’t get to see each other often, we have rules to hook up.” When I just blink at him, he laughs again. “It works for us.”

Something about the way he says it tells me it doesn’t or it’s starting not to, but I don’t have the space in my head to unpack all that right now.

“So, if you want someone to talk to about your situation-ship, I get it.”

“How do you not get jealous?” I didn’t mean to ask that, but it’s out there now.

“Sometimes I do, sometimes he does. When it happens, we pause hookups and do a lot of talking, reconnecting, phone sex.”

I close my eyes and let the fear out. “I don’t know if I can get past it, and I think I’m already losing him.”

“Talk to him. Tell him how you’re feeling, what you need to feel more secure. If he cares about you, he cares about your feelings too.”

I nod and force myself to my feet. I need to get home before Savage finds a way to steal more of my time with Tobi, even though he has a game tonight.

“Thanks, man. I appreciate it.”

Osha stands too and squeezes my shoulder. “I understand the fear. It’s hard to put your shit out there when you know people will have something to say about it, but you have to take care of you first.”