Page 43 of The Substitute (New York Gods #4)

THIRTY-SIX

TOBI

Ifucking hate being alone when I’m overthinking. Ambrose and I have barely spoken all week, and he’s gone again this weekend.

I think I need someone to talk to.

My mind instantly conjures Rhys, but I can barely say hi to him without wanting to snap, so I don’t think going to him about my guy issues is going to be productive.

I hate that there’s a hesitation to speak to the one person I was so close to for years.

Who do I have left? No one except the two I need to talk about, so that’s not helpful.

Hugging myself, I rub my arms and let out a defeated sigh as my shoulders droop.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I want Ambrose, but I’m hurt by him, and Savage has been amazing. Why is he even tolerating me being hung up on his step-brother?

As much as I like Savage and Ambrose wanting my attention, I know I can’t do it forever.

I’m being pulled in different directions all the time.

School is really hard this year, and I have so much studying I need to do…

but fuck, it feels good to be wanted. Every time my phone goes off, I get a stupid smile on my face and a flutter in my stomach.

I don’t want to give up either one of them, and maybe that makes me an idiot considering I’m fighting with Ambrose. But even fighting, he still cares about me. He has since the day we met on the bridge even when I was shit to him.

Why am I waiting for one or both of them to walk away? Why am I even considering trying to continue dating both of them? They won’t want that. Should I just let Ambrose go since he’s the one I’m fighting with? But I know half of that is my fault.

Tobi: When will you be home?

Savage: Tomorrow morning. Why?

Tobi: It’s nothing. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Savage: Are you okay?

Tobi: I’m fine.

Savage: why don’t I believe you?

More guilt sets in. Am I spending more time with one than the other? Am I spending enough time studying? I’m keeping up with my classes, but am I doing enough to prep for my GREs? I haven’t decided if I’m going to apply to grad schools or stop with a bachelor’s, and I need to figure that out.

Some days, I feel like a ping-pong ball, going back and forth while they pretend the other one doesn’t exist. But if I’m with Ambrose when my phone buzzes from Savage, he tenses up, and the muscles in his jaw jump.

Savage hides it better, but there’s a little shift in the air when Ambrose texts me.

I don’t know how to soothe them or myself.

It’s not like they don’t know what’s happening, but no one wants to talk about it.

At least, not with me. It’s the proverbial elephant in the room that everyone pretends isn’t there.

Talking things out with Savage just seemed to open a bigger chasm in my chest. I got more clarity and less somehow making me feel even worse.

I just need someone to tell me this isn’t crazy. That I’m not going to get my heart obliterated by these two. That this is totally doable.

Why don’t I have friends? Oh, right. Because I don’t talk to people or leave the dorm unless I have to.

I rub my eyes and wish my head would just shut up. For once, I got what I wanted—someone to want all my time—but now that I have it times two, I’m falling apart.

This is such a weird situation. I’ve never been in a relationship with one person, much less two. Add on that they basically hate each other, and it’s just icing on the cake, I guess.

Does Ambrose even want a relationship? He hasn’t said so, but I don’t think he’s doing anything with anyone else, so maybe? Is it a casual dating thing for Savage? Since I don’t know how he normally does things, I don’t have anything to compare this to. He did all me his boyfriend…

I scrub a hand over my face and stare out the window at the rain.

Surprise, surprise, I’m overthinking this, and I want to bang my head against the glass.

It’s so quiet in here. Empty. Like Ambrose took the energy in the room with him when he left.

This isn’t the first time Ambrose has had to travel and stay away overnight, but it’s different this time.

Heavier with the distance between us. I know he won’t be home tonight, won’t smile at me when he walks in, won’t force me to cuddle him while he takes a nap or ravage my mouth to replace the taste of Savage with himself on my lips.

I’m falling for both of them, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. The guilt is eating me alive. How can I have feelings for two people at the same time? Even if one was to walk away right now, I would be crushed.

Just the thought of losing one of them makes my chest ache deep enough that I rub at it.

They’re the opposite but the same. Bossy. Demanding. Sweet, too. They take care of me but in different ways.

The thought makes me smile a little. Ambrose has started sleeping on me after practice when I’m home and brings me food or leaves me something easy to eat.

Savage helps me study and makes me take breaks when I need to.

Both of them are getting increasingly more possessive, leaving marks that piss off the other one but that I love. It’s proof it’s real.

I’m so screwed.

But they make me feel seen. They don’t get mad when I’m in a shitty mood and picking a fight. Ambrose just cuddles me while Savage makes me talk it out. Different ways to deal with the same problem, I guess.

They wouldn’t put up with all that shit if they didn’t feel anything for me, right?

“Ugh.” I dig my fingers into my skin as I drag them down my face.

I don’t know what I’m doing, and having no one to talk to about it all is killing me.

Not that long ago, I preferred being alone. It was peaceful. No one asked me for anything. Now, I hate it. There’s too much time to think, to spiral into the what if’s of life. I can’t just fall asleep and ignore my problems like I used to.

I don’t even know how to wrap my head around one guy liking me, let alone two.

And how long can this really last? Will they really put up with both dating me?

I know there are relationships that work like that, but they don’t like each other.

Hate might actually be the right word. I’m not even sure why Savage let Ambrose watch.

I still haven’t figured out what happened that night. It was hot as fuck, but confusing.

Ambrose was so possessive right after, and Savage has been since, so like how was it okay that one night? Every time I think they might be okay with it, I get the vibe that they wish they could have me all to themself. Or is that all in my fucking head?

Would they be willing to date me at the same time?

And if by some miracle we were able to figure out a way to make a three-person relationship work, what happens if Ambrose goes pro?

Sure, the world is getting a little more progressive, but there’s no way it wouldn’t be a huge scandal for the media to find out Ambrose was not only with a dude but poly.

I know how hockey guys are, and if they consider it unmasculine or whatever to be gay, surely sharing your boyfriend is even worse by that logic.

I don’t hide the fact that I’m gay, so if they’re seen with me too often, people will speculate.

I don’t want to be the reason his dreams don’t come true, but I also can’t go back into the closet.

Not when it feels so good to be out with Savage.

I’m already drowning. Losing that piece of myself will suffocate me.

Thunder rumbles through the streets, damn near shaking the windowpanes, and makes me jump. Fuck!

My bones tremble, knowing what’s coming. I hate thunder. I’ve never understood why it bothers me since no one else in my family is upset by it. Hell, Mom would stand out on the balcony with a cup of tea to hear it better. But I always huddled in my room under a blanket, quaking until it was over.

Tension and fear swirl in my chest as I wrap my arms around my body and force myself to stare out the window. Sometimes, the only way to combat the stupid panic is to focus on the lightning and count the miles it takes for the sound to hit.

Bright white light flashes across the sky, and I start to count.

“One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Three—”

It would be beautiful, the way it lights up the sky, if the impending sound didn’t rock me to my core.

A loud knock startles a scream from me, sending my pulse through the roof. Who the fuck is that?

“What the fuck?” I mutter to myself as I head to the door.

Ripping it open, I flinch as the next roll of thunder hits.

“What?” I snap before registering who’s leaning against the doorjamb. Savage. The smirk lifting his lips quickly falls into concern as he looks at me.

“You gonna let me in?” He cups my cheek and brushes his thumb under my eye.

“Why are you here? Don’t you have an interview or something?” I squeeze my arms tighter around myself to keep from crawling out of my skin as another wave of thunder hits. Looks like I’m in for a long day. Just what my anxious brain needs.

“I did, and I came back right after. I’m here now.” He lifts a shoulder and straightens up, cups the back of my neck, and kisses my forehead. “I brought food. Watch a movie with me.”

It’s not a question but not really a demand either. Though I don’t think he would leave if I told him to fuck off. This is what I agreed to, right? Him taking the lead so I can learn how relationship stuff works?

“Why are you here?” I ask again since he hasn’t answered the question.

“Because I wanted to see you?” Did he come back just because he was worried? Am I fucking up his future?

When I lift an eyebrow at him and wait, he smiles a little and winks.

Fucker. He knows it makes me weak. Savage steps into my space so my arms are against his chest and dips his head so his breath ghosts my lips when he speaks.

“I’m here because I heard storms are hard for you, and I didn’t want you to be alone to deal with it and the stuff with Ambrose. ”