Page 46 of The Sinner’s Desire (The Sinner’s Touch #1)
I’m mentally exhausted and wondering when this hell will finally be over.
Once again, the sons of bitches slipped away. The lead came too late. It’s like they can anticipate our every move.
At least there was one positive thing in this week from hell: Blood just informed me that the FBI discovered it was a nurse who tried to poison the children.
Apparently, he had ties to the pedophiles—he himself was a small link in the chain of sick bastards, since the Feds found a significant amount of child porn on his laptop.
This time, I had to fly out to the West Coast, but I’m planning to get back in time for that viper Nora's party tomorrow.
All I want is to go home and lose myself inside her body. To feel her arms around me and forget all the shit surrounding us.
My phone rings just as I’m getting ready to leave the hotel, and I see it’s Ethan calling.
I haven’t heard from him in weeks, but I knew everything was fine, or our men would’ve found a way to make sure any bad news reached me.
“We’re done here,” he says without any greeting, as if we’d spoken five minutes ago.
“One less,” I reply flatly. I’ve never lost a minute of sleep knowing monsters were being killed.
“One less,” he confirms. “Any news on Maria and Jonathan? Was the new lead promising?”
I run a hand through my hair and sigh, annoyed. “No. They slipped away again.”
“Damn.”
I know he’s just as frustrated as I am. Ethan doesn’t know the full extent of what I went through at the hands of those two, but he knows me well enough to understand how much it shaped who I am.
“What do you plan to do when you finally catch them?”
“Blood said he’ll give me a place where I can resolve this problem once and for all,” I reply carefully—because even though our phones are untraceable, I’m naturally paranoid. “But I won’t take as long as I originally planned, because some things have changed since then.”
“What could’ve changed enough to dull your thirst for revenge?”
“I never said I’m giving up. Nothing’s changed. They will both pay.”
“That’s not what I meant and you know it. Taking them down isn’t the center of your life anymore.”
“No,” I admit—because for the first time since I started hunting this child trafficking ring, hatred isn’t the driving force controlling me.
Lilly—and everything we’ve experienced together, her limitless surrender—has come to mean infinitely more.
I’ve always killed without remorse, and with every bastard taken out, I felt better knowing I was saving the defenseless from their claws. But unlike before, Maria and Jonathan are now just another job. A duty to fulfill, not the thing that defines me anymore.
“How’s my sister?” He suddenly shifts the topic, and I wonder if it’s just me or if there’s tension in his voice.
Like me, Ethan doesn’t trust anyone. Maybe he sensed something.
“She’s fine,” I reply cautiously. This is the moment I should tell him everything, but even though it goes against my nature, I promised Lilly I’d let her talk to Ethan first.
“Have you been seeing her?”
“What the hell are you trying to ask, Ethan? Just say it already.”
“You know exactly what I’m asking. I entrusted her to you, Amos. My sister is still a kid, and I didn’t give you permission to take advantage of her sweetness.”
“Lillyana is not a child, and you’re acting like an asshole, blind to the fact that she’s grown into a beautiful, strong woman.”
“Lilly may be all of that, but she’s not for you.”
“Fuck you,” I growl—because his words cut deeper than I want to admit, precisely because they’re true.
“She’s off limits, Amos. Lilly is too good for men like us!” he shouts. “You’re not worthy of kissing the ground she walks on. Never forget what we are.”
“And what are we?”
“Soldiers. Killers,” he says without hesitation. “You, more than anyone, should know that. You’re not good enough for my sister. You’ll use her the way you’ve used every other woman, and I swear to God I’ll never forgive you if you hurt her.”
I stare at Lilly’s message on my phone, lying on my hotel bed. After the call with Ethan, I decided to stay one more night on the West Coast.
Lilly : Hey, just checking in to see if you’re okay.
Several minutes pass before I answer—because I feel torn in two.
No, that’s a lie. There’s no division, because I know exactly what I want: her. In the most selfish way possible, I want all of her.
But my conscience held me back from flying straight back to Boston, because the second I’m there, I’ll forget that conversation with Ethan entirely.
Me: I’m fine.
I reply simply.
Lilly: Good. I’m glad to hear that. I was worried.
Fuck, what am I doing? Dragging this angel into my personal hell? Turning her peaceful, stable life into a sea of agony? I can feel her anxiety in every word.
Me: I can take care of myself. Was that all you wanted?
Lilly: Yes. Thank you.
I drop my phone, feeling like a complete fucking mess.
I can’t do this. No matter how I try to rationalize Ethan’s words, the second I replied to her last message, I regretted it.
Fuck Ethan and his goddamn judgments. He doesn’t even know her anymore!
I can feel the pain I’ve caused her, even from a distance. What I just did—hurting her like that—was unforgivable.
I’ll face any storm, because Lilly doesn’t deserve me being dishonest about my feelings. About anything.
I’ve never been proud of myself, but right now, I feel like the worst piece of shit alive for letting Ethan make me feel unworthy of her—to the point of hurting her under the pretense of protecting her.
The truth is, I accepted his words so quickly because they only confirmed what I already knew: that I will never be good enough for her.
I need to fix this.
Should I call her?
No, I’m not a damn teenager.
Maybe the damage was worse than a simple phone call could fix.
I get up from the bed, grab my suitcase and backpack, and send a message to Blood, letting him know I’ve changed my mind—we’re leaving.
Nora’s party is soon, and there’s no way in hell I’m letting Lilly face that den of vipers alone.