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Chapter forty-two

Forest

I sit uncomfortably at the large table, feeling the way the dark green gown clings to my body. My hair is pinned up and away from my face, highlighting my slender facial features. My mother had spent over an hour in the bathroom with me earlier on my updo, spraying an ungodly amount of hairspray to keep everything in place.

She was meticulously focused on our family's appearance for this dinner, going on about Kai’s upcoming Judgment Day and the risk to more scorecards if anything went wrong tonight. Her dark hair is wound on top of her head similar to mine. Her tiny body sports a black dress she rarely wears. My dad and brother are both adorned in formal wear. To my father’s surprise, Kai needed to borrow one of his suits, no longer the gangly boy he was at last year’s solstice dinner.

The dinner is hosted at Adam’s house, and to my dismay, Josh will be there. Every year, I try to avoid him, and every year, he only becomes more aggravating. Unfortunates serve at the event, keeping drink glasses and bellies full. A few other Officials and upper leadership have children that attend, though they rarely seem to make it my way, not that I complain. I'd prefer to be left alone.

I look out of one of the large windows in the dining space, listening to the tunes of the grand piano as I’m comforted by the smell of fresh bread.

“I should have figured you’d be away from everyone else. Fancy pushing another person off my roof?” Josh whispers. My shoulder nudges him away.

“You know I didn’t push him, Josh,” I whisper, turning to face him.

His hair is styled back and away from his face, his golden skin shining with a healthy glow in the dim light.

“Maybe,” he says, taking a large swig from his glass. “But it’s fun watching how you flinch when I bring it up,” he says, my head shaking.

“Why do you taunt me? You should know by now that I won’t tolerate it,” I say, watching him lean into the wall next to the window.

“Our buddy Max is going to be admitted into the Official's training programs tonight,” Josh says, finally grabbing my attention.

“That's not possible, his Judgment Day-”

“The Commander and my father decided to move him forward before his Judgment Day,” Josh says, as I scoff loudly.

“My father gets the final say in who joins his team,” I state, turning back toward the window. “There’s no way he would’ve approved that,” I clarify, watching Josh toy with a string on the front of his dark suit jacket.

“Maybe people are tired of Andrew Blackburn running things around here,” Josh says.

I look at him, half expecting him to take back the statement. Instead, he watches me, waiting for me to challenge him. I feel the other part of me reach out, stepping into the light, taking over me in the moment.

“Maybe people are tired of the Order,” It speaks for me, my voice just a vessel for its rage.

“You don’t believe in the Order?” Josh questions, my mouth curling into a smile at the notion. I feel it working inside of me, throwing caution to the wind as it assesses the man in front of me.

“I don’t believe in anything that has to be forced on us.”

Its presence ebbs back into the shadows of my mind and releases control to me.

His mouth stays still for a moment, his body unmoving, unsure what to say. A few Unfortunates move into the space, offering us small finger foods. Josh snaps his fingers at the woman in the corner of the room who’s wearing an ‘Event Coordinator’ badge. She’s from this sector, so she must be in charge of the rest of the staff.

He grabs her hand, his mouth set in a scowl.

“Where is the Unfortunate I requested to be here tonight?” he questions, toying with the mic wrapped around the girl's ear.

“He’s in the kitchen-”

“Well, bring him out. The last thing I want to see is your face at dinner,” he hisses hatefully, my hands clenched, stopping me from dragging him to the floor. Quickly, she nods, fearfully moving away from him.

“You requested specific Unfortunates be here tonight?” I question him.

“I thought you'd be thanking me,” he says, slapping my back hard. “One of them is that boy toy of yours,” he finishes, my stomach churning.

I hadn’t been able to reach Fallan after the incident during the solstice celebration. I’d assumed he’d been caught up in the chaos from earlier but had still exhausted myself trying to connect with him. Today was turning out to be nothing short of a nightmare.

Josh's hand lingers on my back, running his fingers along my exposed spine.

“Maybe it isn't such a bad thing we had to wait until tonight to come to this dinner,” he says, his eyes taking in all of me. “At least you look pleasant in a dress that revealing,” he mutters, his hand moving lower than I’d like. I feel a small wave of panic pass over me.

“You requested me?”

Fallan lingers in the doorway. His hands clutch a bottle of champagne. His hair is a ruffled mess of black curls. An earpiece dangles from the side of his head, and his eyes are dead set on Josh.

At the sight of Fallan, Josh moves closer to me, tugging me into his side.

“Why don’t you reconsider where you've got your hands,” Fallan says, taking a few steps further into the room. I look around to see if anyone’s watching, but we’re the only ones here.

Josh laughs, goading Fallan to do something. I yelp as I feel his right-hand slide down to my ass while he wraps his left arm around my front so I'm flush against him.

“Get your fucking hands off-”

“I don’t think I will,” he interrupts, his fingers moving towards the front of my thigh. Fallan’s rage is palpable as he sets down the bottle of champagne and begins rolling up his sleeves.

“What do you think you're doing?” Josh questions playfully. Every scenario I play out in my mind ends with Josh face down in a pool of his own blood. There's no guarantee I’ll be able to control the bloodlust threatening to consume me. To make things worse, there are surveillance cameras in every corner of the room we’re in.

Fallan circles Josh with a look of malice. I see the shift in his eyes. I feel the energy he pulls from me. Josh’s nails dig into my skin as his body tenses in anticipation.

“Let her go,” Fallan says, his voice commanding and powerful.

Like an obedient dog, Josh releases me, and I move away from him the moment I'm free. I shift behind Fallan, keeping a safe distance to avoid suspicion if someone is watching through the camera feed.

“What are you doing,” I question silently to him through the connection.

“Debating whether or not I have him snap his own neck,” he says, his energy continuing to wane.

I grab his arm, trying to calm him down.

“Fallan,” I whisper, feeling his body relax. “Let him go,” I say. He looks over his shoulder at me before finally releasing Josh from his invisible grasp.

Gradually, I back away from the two of them, watching Josh blink, clutching his head with a dazed expression.

“What happened?” Josh questions, looking between the two of us.

“Dinner is ready, sir, ” Fallan snaps at him coldly. “I came in here to get you, and you were standing in the middle of the room, mumbling to yourself,” Fallan says, my hand covering my smile as Josh slowly looks around.

“Right,” Josh says, looking between us. “No need to linger. Move,” Josh says, urging Fallan to leave the room.

I take the opportunity to walk beside Fallan out of the room, wishing more than ever that my lips could explore that lovely smile painting his face as we exit.

It’s nothing more than a foolish fantasy.

The table’s spread is beautiful, decorated with small gourds and crisp foliage. Bundles of cinnamon and spiced cones surround the area. I take in the smells around me, watching Fallan linger close to the wall, giving me a small smile each time I look at him.

A few members of upper leadership speak to Adam. Each time a new group of people walks through the door, my parents greet them and make small talk. Josh sits at the table, flirting with some of the daughters of the other Officials. I watch Fallan eye the man, his voice broody in my mind.

“Would it be worth it to make him drop that whole glass of champagne on the girl next to him?” he questions, my eyes averting to the girl in his company.

"It would be a shame to ruin such a pretty dress,” I admit, appreciating the light pinks wrapped around her slender frame.

Fallan moves to hand out more drinks, his body working past me as his voice reaches my ear.

“Your dress outshines everyone else’s,” he whispers, my cheeks reddening.

I feel my stomach toss. The rasp in his voice enough to drive me insane.

I’m continuously tormented by his influx of emotions. One moment, he hates me. The next, he’s ready to back me into a wall and make me his.

I hear my brother’s voice boom as he enters the dining hall. He’s jovial and his words are vibrant and playful as he continues to converse with the man entering by his side. Xavier smiles ear to ear at my brother's words, his black suit tailored to perfection.

Kai clings to the man for some comfort, ignoring the other kid’s kiss-ass attitudes, giving them little attention. I see Adam eyeing Fallan, watching him work through the room. I see the moment Fallan spots Xavier next to my brother. They exchange deep looks of distaste, suffocating the space with menacing energy. I see a metal flask hidden in my brother's coat, giving Xavier a wide-eyed look of uncertainty.

“ I think Blondie might have given your brother some liquid courage,” Fallan whispers. I frown at them as they approach.

I toy with the necklace Xavier returned to me, watching his hands go up in protest before I can even get a word in.

“It was mine. He’s the one who decided I was an open bar,” Xavier says. My brother's lazy, drunken grin is enough to make anyone laugh.

“You're all a bunch of prudes,” Kai says, looking around the room. “This house is horrid,” he continues, his arms wrapping around me.

“You brought a whole flask just for you tonight?” I question disapprovingly.

“I have my reasons,” he says, looking at Fallan.

“He’s been around a lot lately,” Xavier says, his irritation growing the longer Fallan’s blue eyes watch him.

“Blame Josh. He specifically requested that he be part of the catering team here tonight,” I whisper, trying to free myself from my brother’s grip. “Although I’m glad he’s here. Fallan’s the reason I wasn't ravaged against my will,” I admit, narrowing my eyes at Josh across the room.

“Josh touched you?” Xavier questions, crossing his arms.

“It’s already been handled- '' I start, trying to prevent any more drama from happening tonight.

Xavier moves past Josh, kicking the leg of his chair. Josh immediately tumbles to the floor. Xavier grabs the chair, making it look like an accident. Even Fallan can’t help but smile, watching Josh’s stunned face as Xavier nudges a glass of champagne towards Josh, only for it to slip out of his hands and spill all over the front of his suit.

“I’m so sorry,” Xavier mumbles, looking around for a towel. “Looks like I’ve had more to drink than I thought,” Xavier says. Adam narrows his eyes at him from across the table.

I feel the smile creep up along my face as Xavier moves away from Josh and in the direction where Fallan is taking up space.

Xavier leans into him, both men exchanging hushed words. Fallan’s brow furrows. His jaw clenches harshly.

“What did he say to you?” I question down our bond, meeting Xavier's eyes as he finally moves back toward us.

“Nothing he hasn’t said before,” Fallan whispers, his eyes fixed on Xavier.

I turn to face the blonde, a kind expression across his face as he looks over to me. My brother takes a seat at the table, laughing like an idiot.

“What did you say to him?” I question.

Xavier runs his hand over his throat, his eyes narrowed.

“He spoke to me first.”

“Okay, so what did he want, then?” I question, trying to get a straight answer from one of them.

All Xavier can do is shake his head, coughing with a wince.

“Nothing that matters,” Xavier finally says. Both of their answers are equally frustrating.

Adam claps, motioning his guests to take a seat. We oblige, looking at the grand seat positioned alone at the front of the table. The space is empty, meant for the Commander. I sit next to Xavier, leaning into Kai, doing my best to support him as he slouches lazily into me.

In most scenarios, my mother and father would have scolded him for behaving like this but based on the amount of alcohol filling their cups, I don’t think they’ve even noticed.

The table is filled with savory dishes, each one delicately crafted. The heady aroma causes my mouth to water. Several Unfortunates lean against the walls, watching with hungry eyes. I sneak glances toward Fallan, feeling a fleet of butterflies in my stomach each time he smirks at me. People settle into their spots comfortably, and the sound of conversation buzzes around me.

“All of this, and he didn’t even bother to show up,” Kai says through a burp, pointing to the empty seat with his fork.

Adam acknowledges the space, looking at his watch with a frown.

“Our Commander is a busy man,” Adam starts. “He can’t always make time for things like this. None of us can comprehend the important work he’s doing for New Haven. We’re undeserving of his presence but can aspire to be worthy of it one day,'' Adam says. My dad snorts, holding back his laughter.

Adam glares at my father, watching the way he and my mother both snicker. I watch Xavier smile, giving my dad a look I know goes over his head.

“Is there something you'd like to share, Andrew?” Adam questions. Josh glares at my father, his front still covered with champagne.

My dad shakes his head, giving my mother a soft kiss.

“I am so sorry, my friend. My laughter was not directed toward your comment. Katiana shared something funny, and I couldn't suppress my laughter.”

I shake my head at the pair as I realize how drunk they are. All I want to do at this point is leave this dinner and find somewhere to be alone with Fallan.

“And you, Xavier? Is there a reason a smile paints your face?” Adam questions, Xavier’s eyes widening as attention is drawn to him.

“It was a fleeting thought,” Xavier says, balancing his fork on the table, ignoring Adam’s glare.

“And what thought was that?” Adam questions. The defiance in Xavier’s eyes intensifies.

“Maybe our Commander doesn’t fancy your company too much,” Xavier says. Adam immediately scowls.

Like a fire alarm blaring in the middle of the night, the doorbell sounds off, piercing the growing tension in the dining room. Adam reluctantly excuses himself from the table.

Returning moments later, the Vega twins and their parents trail after him. Max wears an elaborate suit that catches my attention. It’s a standard celebration suit worn only by Officials.

“Was that comment necessary?” I question, turning toward Xavier, watching as he leans back in his chair. He gives Josh a wink, doing his best to get a rise out of him.

“No, but it was fun,” he says, his curls falling into his face, his body leaning forward. “And sometimes it makes me feel like I'm standing up for what’s right. Even if it’s just by being an asshole to one of them,” he finishes, a look of defeat washing over him for a brief moment.

Fallan continues to move around the room, my father glancing over at him every so often. Each time they lock eyes, my father looks away quickly. Regret and embarrassment are the only emotions he seems to express. I think of how he looked at Fallan’s mother that day in the hospital waiting room all that time ago and wondered how they knew each other.

There’s a connection between them, one that I've yet to figure out.

Max moves around the table, arms wide, ready to embrace me. I force a smile and push away from the table, feeling Xavier's fingers tug at the bottom of my dress so it doesn’t ride up when I stand. Max’s arms wrap around me, three’s alcohol on his breath. I slide into his outstretched arms, looking at Fallan over his shoulder, and find him cocking his head unhappily at the sight.

“I’m so happy you’re here,” Max whispers into my ear.

“I'm starting to have a real distaste towards all the blonde men in your life,” Fallan whispers in my mind, my mouth curving into a smile at how obvious his jealousy is

“Max, sit down,” Rae snaps, giving up on waiting for my brother to compliment her dress.

By some miracle, he listens, allowing me to sit back down. Xavier looks amused, eyeing me the whole way back to my seat.

“What is it now?” I question.

“I've never seen someone look so ready to punch another human being over a hug,” Xavier says, his eyes bright. “It almost makes me wonder if you put on an act with me too,” he teases. Fallan and I both grow tense.

I stay silent, playing his comment off with a laugh.

With everyone settled at the table, people begin eating, making their way through the many courses. The men talk about work, some even telling stories about their involvement in carrying out punishments across the Unfortunate sector. I listen as Adam stops a passing waiter and use him as models to show precisely where he’d delivered his “best hits” on an Unfortunate he’d found in violation of sector ordinances last week.

I finally decide I need a distraction and indulge in one of the glasses of champagne that’s gone untouched on the table, settling on breaking Adam’s neck another day. Xavier ignores the conversation, picking at his nail beds. As much as I’d like to speak to Fallan, Adam and Max are using him as their drink boy, demanding their glasses stay full, which is a daunting task.

“Forest," Mrs. Vega calls, pulling my attention away from Xavier’s hands. “I’m sure you've heard by now that Max is about to be inducted,” she says, my eyes shooting to my father.

Adam claps Max on the back. Josh chimes in his congratulations and offers to throw him a party.

“As an Official?” I question my father, but Adam is the one to answer.

“Xavier thought Max had the capabilities to join a bit earlier than most. Andrew and I agreed,” Adam says, my attention now on Xavier.

“I never told you-” Xavier begins, his mouth shutting as Adam raises his finger.

“If I recall, you were all for him joining us a few weeks ago. Don't change your opinion now based on the appeal of who you've gotten cozy with," Adam says. Fallan nearly drops the bottle of champagne he’s holding.

“Adam, that’s not appropriate,” my father says harshly. My mother clears her throat.

“Well, we are all very proud of him,” my mother says, touching Max's mother's hand. “He will make one fine Official.”

Kai laughs, his head pressed to the table in a drunken fit.

“Just another puppet,” he says quietly.

I kick my foot into his shin beneath the table, urging him to watch what he says.

Xavier looks unamused, tapping his plate with his fork while fidgeting with his pocket watch.

“You're joining just in time. This year's Lottery is sure to be a thrill,” Adam says, pushing the conversation along.

“Lottery?” I question, cutting him off.

Xavier’s hand touches my leg, pulling my attention back to him, his voice whispering in my ear.

“I promise you; you don’t want to know what he's talking about,” Xavier says, piquing my curiosity.

“You haven't told her yet, Andrew?” Adam questions, watching my father move to stand.

“Maybe Forest and Kai should leave the room for this conversation-”

“Why do that?” Josh questions. "My father has been more than happy to share the details of the tradition with me-”

“That's because you are a vindictive fuck who likes the bloodshed,” Xavier snaps.

“And you don’t?” Adam throws back. Xavier’s posture goes rigid.

Kai is more alert, taking in every bit of information he can.

“What are they talking about?” I question, watching Fallan gradually move closer to linger behind my chair.

“I have no idea,” he starts, both of our eyes moving to Xavier’s hand still resting on my thigh, only squeezing the closer Fallan becomes. “I’m suddenly feeling rather inclined to take down everyone at this table and end this whole night.”

“Play nice,” I whisper in a rush.

“What's the Lottery, Dad?” Kai pushes, my dad yanking at his tie.

“It's a tradition amongst the Order. Newly inducted Officials get to participate alongside senior leadership. It's an honor to join. As you all know, if you reach red status as an Unfortunate-” Adam looks at Fallan, giving him a twisted grin. “You get sent beyond the ward to deal with the foreign entities… that is, of course, unless you’re placed into the Lottery.”

My father remains silent.

“It’s an alluring alternative to being thrown in the ash lands, really. Unfortunates who have no more room on their scorecard get the opportunity to fight for their freedom.”

Lottery.

I digest the information with closed palms, doing my best not to imagine people being forced beyond the ward. The voice from the solstice festival remains with me, pushing me to consider there was something out there beyond the ward of New Haven. Everyone had played off the breach in the intercom system earlier as a meaningless prank, though it felt far from being the truth.

“Bets are placed during the Lottery on which Unfortunate we see having the most promising physical advantages, and then they’re paired accordingly and thrown in the Pit. And I’ll tell you, when you put the Unfortunate pigs together with nothing but a blade, eventually, you see why we call them animals in the first place.”

Fallan clutches his tray. Xavier’s head is down in shame.

“You make the Unfortunates murder one another?” Kai questions, my own words stuck in my throat.

“I prefer to think of it as motivating them to show their true nature-”

“You fucking bastard!” Fallan snaps, his words turning heads from around the table towards him. Adam is on his feet in seconds, his hand instinctively reaching for his pistol. Instinctively, I move to wedge myself between the two men, caring more for Fallan’s safety than my own. My father snaps at me to sit back down, but my eyes are set on Adam.

“What the hell did you say to me?” Adam questions. Fallan holds his ground.

“You told us all those people were being sent to your sector for rehabilitation,” Fallan spits. Xavier moves to my side as I continue to stand between the two men hoping to stop Adam from acting on impulse.

“You’re a monster,” I say. Adam shakes his head, glancing between the three of us.

“If I didn't know any better, Xavier,” he says, pointing to me with malice. “I'd say you are gunning after an Unfortunate lover.”

“That is enough!” my father yells, slamming his hand hard on the table. “I will not have you speak to about my daughter that way. I suggest you sit down.”

Adam and my father are like oil and water, stuck in constant opposition to each other.

“You will not speak to her that way again,” Xavier says, breaking his long silence.

Adam turns to look at him but doesn’t respond.

I expect him to retaliate, to push Xavier further.

But he doesn’t.

“I apologize for my brash words, Forest,” Adam says, the lie scorching his tongue. “Let's just enjoy our evening. I’m feeling kind enough tonight that I won't deliver punishment to the Unfortunate behind you. Yet.”

He moves to sit back down, snapping his fingers at Fallan to refill his wineglass.

“You should go,” I say, facing Fallan. I make my voice loud enough so that everyone can hear me dismiss him. “He’s right. The last thing I need is a pathetic Unfortunate from my year here, ruining the occasion. Consider what I just did for you as a favor. The last one you’ll get,” I say, forcing out every word.

Kai picks up on what I am doing, giving me the backing I need.

“Leave. We have more than enough of your kind here tonight,” Kai says, his words a little slurred.

“You can still catch a tram if you leave now,” Xavier says, brushing the front of Fallan’s suit apathetically. “I think it's time for you to get going.”

With hesitation, Fallan pauses before eventually backing away. His jaw is clenched as he observes the man in front of him. Gradually, he pans his eyes to me, and I expect to hear his voice in my head, ready to fight me on this. But I know he sees the look on my face and how fearful I am for him around these people.

The last thing I will do is stand back and be the reason he is targeted tonight.

Turning away, he moves out of the dining room towards the front door. He gives me one final look before opening it and leaving the house. The door slams loudly as he exits.

“Have you bet before?” I question, finally addressing Xavier, letting him guide me back to my seat.

“Once or twice, only as a way to be accepted by my peers,” Xavier whispers, leaning closer to my chair.

“Are there children?'' Kai questions silently. His light-hearted, intoxicated demeanor is gone.

“Don’t make me answer that,” Xavier says brashly, my heart breaking at his words.

“Xavier, what is your bet this year?” Adam questions.

Josh holds a large notepad, jotting down numbers and names, each one a familiar face surrounding the table.

“None this year,” Xavier says coldly, tapping his fingers in a rhythmic tone on the tablecloth.

“Andrew?”

Kai and I look at our father, expecting the man to stay silent. My mother seems displeased. Her hands are clasped as she watches my father.

“$200 on 39.”

My stomach sinks, my dinner threatening to make its way up my throat and all over the table. Kai’s mouth hangs open. My nails dig into my palms so harshly they draw blood. I feel my heart rate increase. The energy swirling inside me is enough to bring down this room. All of these people sit here with smiles on their faces as they play this sick, twisted game. I force myself away from the table, making my way out of the room.

As I exit, the very space around me closes in. Every breath I take feels borrowed. My long gown trails behind me, slowing my escape as it wraps around my ankles as I set a brisk pace away from the party.

I can still hear their mindless chatter echo through the hallways, continuing to place bets as I make my way outside.

One breath.

One breath of fresh air is all I need.

I tumbled through the large sliding glass door, nearly yanking it off its hinges in the process. The outside world is quiet. The quiet hum of the ward located on the edge of the property feels oppressive. The alcohol has started to settle in my stomach like a boulder in water.

The outside air is refreshing. I draw in a few deep breaths, letting the events of dinner slowly fade away. The looks on the faces of all the Unfortunates in the room while Adam talked about the Lottery haunt me. I grasp the railing of Josh’s deck, leaning over, ready to vomit.

The Lottery.

This night.

The contents of my stomach were gone in an instant.

If only my mind could release its burdens as quickly as my stomach.

For a moment, I was on the roof with that boy again. Did he feel the same fears I do now? How much did he know before it was all too much to bear? He was finally free of his chip, only to discover that freedom came with a knowledge of what was truly going on in New Haven.

At what point did the fate he chose become more desirable than the present I face?

The night is still. The cool autumn air gives way to a biting chill, reminding me that winter is coming.

The boards' creek on the deck. My body becomes rigid at the sudden realization that I am no longer alone.

Maybe it's Kai ready to warn me how angry Dad is, or possibly Josh prepared to see what he can get away with now that Fallan is gone.

“Listen, I can't pretend what I heard in there doesn’t sicken me-” I whisper, preparing myself for a verbal tongue-lashing.

I turn on my heels, my heart racing as a familiar wave made up of desire and fear passes over me. Xavier’s eyes meet mine, his ocean blue irises are calm and steady.

“I never bet. Not when I didn't have to,” he moves away from the sliding door and towards me. “When I had just been inducted, we went out to celebrate. I was drunk out of my mind, and they urged me to bet on what I thought was a race. It turns out I spent $400 to watch a girl with red hair die in the Pit. I don't think I kept food down for a week after it happened,” Xavier admits, his voice filled with regret.

“I can't, I can't do it again. The way you looked at me just now almost broke me,” he whispers, taking another step towards me.

A part of me wants to back away, but I step forward instead. I can feel Its pull, urging me to move closer, encouraging me to give in.

This is Xavier. I can trust him.

The same Xavier who broke surveillance cameras to protect me. The same Xavier who came to my defense repeatedly. Now he stands here, begging for the forgiveness he would have given me instantly.

“I don't want to keep thinking of all the things their people have faced,” I whisper, pressing my head to the cool metal railing. He comes to stand at my side, leaning on the railing next to me. He crosses his arms over his front as he looks up to the night sky. The moonlight casts light shadows across his face, revealing a youthfulness under his tired expression.

My mind races back to the dance we shared at the festival. The few peaceful moments moving with him, only to hit a brick wall. I feel it now as we stand here. I still fight the urge to run away from him, that urge a warning I don’t understand.

“He’s the least of our worries,” It whispers, the voice of reason when it comes to Xavier.

In many ways, I wish he could be as cruel to me as Fallan is. Maybe then I’d have an unshakable need to be near him.

“There's more to ask him,” It pushes, an echo of the voice at the festival passing through my mind. I scowl, annoyed at Its ability to force my thoughts in a certain direction.

“That voice today,” my head rises from the railing. “Do you think it's true what he said? Is there more than just ash beyond that ward?”

Xavier’s past before New Haven is still unknown to me. Everything about the man is a mystery. Even his family is a topic he has barely brought up. I watch him finally look at me, his foot tapping the deck as he deliberates his answer.

“I think someone is working hard to make sure we stay clueless.” His hands work along his throat, and his eyes are filled with fear. “Do you think New Haven is all there is?”

I close the space between us, his hand gently moving to touch my side. I flinch as he brushes over the area of my mark.

Kind. Gentle. That’s what I think when I look at Xavier

My heart races as he brushes my lips with his thumb. His other hand grabs me tighter, pulling me against his front.

“Do you know why I came tonight?” he questions, his nose inches from mine.

“No, but I want you to tell me.” My hands move down his chest, the other part of me guiding my actions, embracing my desire for him.

He pulls his lips to my ear as his hands travel up my lower back. His breath brushes my skin, my face heating as sinful thoughts enter my mind.

“Because I crave you,” he says, his lips grazing over my nose. “And I want to be the one who knows every part of you.”

His hands continue moving along my curves. “I think about painting your body with my tongue. And I want to be the one to fulfill every single one of your desires and know your every want,” he whispers, his lips so close to finally pressing against my own.

My hands tremble, my heart pounds. I close my eyes to try and better process what he’s telling me.

I want him.

His eyes, deep and mesmerizing blue.

I want him.

His kind smile that lights up a room.

I want him.

His raven hair and a coy smirk that somehow always makes me flustered.

No. That’s not right.

My heart stops.

My eyes fly open, my body ready to collapse under the pressure of the realization that lies in front of me.

“But you're not him,” I whisper, my voice barely audible.

Xavier’s eyes go wide, his grasp no longer light and gentle. The fear settles in my stomach once again, the other part of me growing angry, banging fiercely around in my mind, pushing me to choose Xavier.

I don't know when I started backing away or when Xavier’s grasp on my arm turned into a reach, leaving his hands outstretched in the space between us. His hand holds his throat, his eyebrows creasing as he releases nothing but a small faint groan.

The pain of my rejection consumes his face.

I should want this moment with him.

I should want him.

But I don’t. So I turn around and run towards what I do want, my mind pushing my body to move quicker than I've ever moved before. I now know one thing for certain.

“None of this was ever about Xavier,” I carelessly whisper in my silent mind, wanting nothing more than to hear his voice.

Xavier watches me leave from the balcony.

I try to feel his presence, reaching for any string of connection to him in my mind.

But in an instant, another connection flares to life, his words coming through my mind like honey.

“I can't keep listening to your thoughts… come to me, Little Dove.” Fallan’s voice urges.