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Chapter twenty-one

Forest

W ith one look, Xavier already knew where I was heading. He wasted no time guiding me out the double doors and into the large front of the medical building decorated beautifully with white daisies.

I keep in step behind him, feeling his fingers lace through mine as he guides us farther away from the doors and closer to the growth of trees clustered near the farthest corner of the garden. Dead leaves cover the ground, crunching beneath our feet with each step. I squeeze his hand tighter, feeling satisfied the minute he does it back. Xavier had let the question about my whereabouts die out the minute he saw me shift to look behind me, thinking it was best to get me alone before questioning me more.

Resting beneath the trees, coated with a few scarce leaves, I see the outline of a bench, probably meant for the staff to take their lunch breaks. Guiding us closer, Xavier pulls me down to take a seat with him. The trees keep us concealed from anyone who might question where we ran off to. I tear away the admission band around my wrist they must have put on me when I got to the med unit.

He lets his legs straddle the bench. Watching me pull my knees to my chest, his hands rub my legs, coaxing them down to a position similar to his own. We face one another dead on, letting our hands stay in each other's, silent for a few moments.

“What happened?” he questions after a few moments, bringing one hand up and brushing a stray hair away from my face with his fingers. He moves his hand to cup my cheek as his thumb moves to slowly caress the outline of my jaw. My hand moves his own onto the back of my neck, hoping to the same sensation that washed over me with Fallan’s comforting touch earlier.

But he doesn’t make any movements. His hand rests there still, but I’m disappointed when nothing more happens.

“Did you hear what happened at the school?” I question.

He nods slowly, letting his hands fall to my waist, his thumbs resting on my hip bones. I feel my skin heat beneath the touch, briefly wanting to close the space between us and straddle his lap. The struggle to understand my desire for Xavier while trying to adhere to our regulations on physical contact is torture.

“I heard there was a beating. When they didn't name who, I lost interest in what it was about," he begins, making me shift a few inches forward, pressing into his hands. “But then they said an Untouchable had a medical episode. I was already working a detail here, speaking to a few Unfortunates, when I saw them wheel a body in. And then I saw your mother,” he continues, his hands resting on my upper thighs now. He gives my legs a light squeeze, and a faint heat rises in my stomach, catching me off guard and forcing me to divert my thoughts to different places. My mind ravages the idea of him exploring the rest of my body with more than just light touches. “Had I known it was you-”

“Don't do that,” I say, pressing my finger to his lips, stopping him from placing more guilt on himself than he already has, “Don’t blame yourself for what happened. You weren’t even there,” I continue, letting my hands move away from his lips and down his face. I feel the stubble along his jawline before dropping my hand back down into his own.

“Is it true what they said your classmate did? Josh? Adam’s kid?” Xavier asks, moving his head in front of my face to stop my eye's aversion toward the bench. Each touch he gives me is gentle and comforting and I'm surprised at how much I need them now.

“They healed what he did. There's no point lingering on it,” I whisper, running my hand along my sides beneath the massive shirt. Xavier’s eyes follow my hands, watching as I wince at the memory of the deep scratches that once coated my skin.

“Is that where he hurt you?” Xavier questions, letting his hands move away from my face.

All I can do is nod, watching a flash of anger work over his expression, fading away the longer I watch him. Giving it little thought, I grab his hands, letting them come beneath my shirt to grip my sides where the wounds used to be. The heat in my stomach travels through me, growing as his warm palms work along my skin. I watch his cheeks grow crimson at the feeling of my bare skin beneath his fingers. He only allows himself to explore the area I guided him to.

“See? It's okay now,” I whisper, realizing just how little space is between us now.

Our knees touch, and his hands are holding me closer than I had initially noticed. I feel them move to my lower back, tempting me to ignore every rule I’ve had forced down my throat and give in to the urge to feel what his lips are like against my own. He leans forward and his breath touches my face, only heating my cheeks more once my hands find his front to feel his chest above his uniform. My head tingles with the threat of another episode that I have no way of controlling. The mark on my hip burns hot, almost as hot as the skin beneath his touch.

A small smirk rides along his face, only adding to the enthralling nature of his beauty. The sun kisses his golden curls as he brings his face closer to my own, our noses inches apart.

“Have you felt the touch of another before? Not hugs, not the bullshit regulated stuff they allow. I mean, genuine intimacy with another person?” Xavier questions.

He’s so close I can almost taste him in my mouth. My heart races, pumping my body with adrenaline. The sweet tune I heard during my episode returns, the keys now more recognizable, fading as quickly as they came.

“No…. Have you?” I whisper back, wanting nothing more than to close the space between us.

The sound of a few nurses conversing breaks my focus on his lips. He pauses, running his thumb over my lips, forcing me to reevaluate the reckless public display of affection happening between us. I scoot a few feet back, giving us both a moment to compose ourselves and make minor adjustments to our clothing.

The nurses walk by with little acknowledgment to us, smiling once Xavier gives them one of his own.

“I suppose a hospital garden is not the most appropriate setting for me to do what I want,” Xavier says casually, making me choke a little. It's beyond me how I was able to keep my composure.

I smile, biting the inside of my cheek while thinking of the right words.

“How do you do it?” I question, shaking my head once I notice his uniform. “How do you do everything it takes to be an Official?” I ask, reminding myself of what they did.

There's no way he’s a part of what Adam and his men did earlier today. Xavier looks distraught. I can see worry across his brow.

“I can't say I don't have ways of coping with what they sometimes force us to do. I've spent more times at work drunk than sober in attempts to listen to the bullshit they spew at us,” Xavier says, rubbing his hands on his temples. “I take every shit detail I can, as long as it means I’m not forced to inflict unjustified violence. I tried to sway your friend away from wanting to join. I think our interactions were more than enough to sway him to try and wear a uniform,” Xavier says, still trying to find ways to place the blame on himself. “I joined the Officials to protect people and do good, and now,” he says, pausing to look me over. “I think I’ve found something else to prioritize.”

My heart thuds heavily at his admission.

“Your family-” I begin. He stops me.

“They're gone,” he says quietly, cutting off my thought with two words.

“Gone?” I question, unsure of how that’s possible.

“They were researchers for New Haven,” he says, grabbing a leaf from the ground to distract himself.

He tears its multicolored surface, dropping each bit to the ground one at a time. “They were sent outside the ward for data sampling when I was around twelve. There were ropes on their bodies and Officials with them, but after twenty minutes in the ash, each rope was snapped, bloodied on the ends while their screams broke the air. Officials told me they tried to go after them,” Xavier continues, “My sister passed away shortly after during a measles outbreak,” he continues, holding his hand over his mouth to hide the slight tremor of emotion trying to escape him. “All the Officials who were supposed to go out there had clean boots that day. They’d lied. Not one tried to save them, and as a result, I became an orphan, unable to trust anyone. Now I’m one of them,” he says, clenching his jaw as he closes his eyes. “And I know I would run out there every time if it meant some kid didn't have to grow up feeling as alone as I did,” he finishes, filling my heart with more pain than I ever thought possible.

“Xavier…. I’m so sorry-”

It’s now him placing his finger on my lips, stopping me from giving him a speech I know he’s heard a million times.

“It's beyond your control, love,” he says. His words are like honey, moving warm and soft and sticking in my ears.

I press my lips to his finger before letting it lower as we exchange a long look.

“There is a fine line between using order to help people and using it to feel superior… to control. Sadly, it seems we’ve somehow warped our innate nature to create order for the sole purpose of preserving life. It seems we’ve rationalized that control matters more,” Xavier says, swinging his legs over the bench, giving us more space than I would have liked. The pounding in my head begins to subside, bringing me sweet silence again.

“I need you to be honest with me,” I say, readying myself to ask the one question that could end all of this in a moment. “Do you hate the Unfortunates? Or are you just following orders?” I ask, letting the question settle in the air between us.

“Do I hate Unfortunates? No. They are the very reason this society can function as it does. They are the reason the Officials wear suits embroidered with gold, the reason we eat rich meats that seem to never be in short supply. We get to live the life we do because of them. I respect them immensely. Our people think their blood is Tainted, breeding a vile nature that goes against what they deem orderly-”

The Marked. He’s talking about the Marked.

“Only Unfortunates are Tainted? What does that mean?” I question, reusing the same term he had, still barely understanding it myself.

He sighs, rubbing his finger gently behind my ear.

“I don’t think you deserve the burden of knowing what goes on behind the scenes. You've already been around more than you need to,” he says with great sorrow.

He knows about the screening.

“You-”

Something urges me to stop talking, cutting off the words from my throat before they can even leave me. Like staring at a light sensor prod ready to scorch me, I feel myself hesitate, suddenly fully aware that this secret between Fallan and me, and what we know, remains safest with us alone. It's a sense of understanding I can't explain, only making me grow angrier once I notice how much Xavier sacrificed to tell me what he has.

For reasons beyond my control, I know I have to keep quiet about what I remember from that night.

At least for now.

Xavier patiently waits for me to continue my thoughts.

“I lost what I was going to say,” I lie, wondering why my mind feels more crowded.

“I think it's best to leave what we said on that note. You seem to forget you did have a seizure today. I’d rather not push anything,” Xavier says, looking at the falling leaves coating the ground around us.

“What we know is ours and ours alone. Please stop trying to navigate to me so soon after what happened… I hear you, Forest, but I don't want to hear your thoughts of him. I’m cutting you off for today.” Fallan’s voice rings through my mind clear as day.

Unlike the pounding headaches that usually consume me, his presence in my mind is like a soft blanket, embracing me, holding my mind gently. I feel the moment the connection is cut, leaving me with nothing but the feeling of something else lurking in the depths of my mind, unable to find a way through.

This presence that hides is foreign, aware, and… angry.

“Are you okay? You were gone for a second,” Xavier says, pulling me back to reality with his gentle touch.

I nod, finally closing the space between us and allowing my back to turn toward him. Leaning into his chest, my legs stay straight in front of me along the bench. With my back pressed against his muscular chest, I can feel the outline of his sculpted body beneath his uniform's rugged material. His arms wrap around me, and I take in his scent. It’s like fresh laundry and pine, both creating a harmonious amalgamation that I can’t help but let consume my senses. His head rests above my own, wrapping me in warmth.

“What exactly is happening here, Forest?” he questions, leaning down next to my ear with a whisper that has my blood rushing. His lips tentatively graze over my neck, lingering for a moment as he taunts me. I can sense him smiling as he moves to rest his lips along my shoulder now, the potential of slow kisses along the rest of my skin in the air between us.

I let out a shaky breath, causing a low grunt of approval to leave his throat and I realize Xavier has me wrapped around his finger.

“I want to hold on to whatever this is. Let me hold onto it. It’s the only thing that gives me a moment of peace. That makes me feel normal. I’m consumed when I’m with you and crave this feeling when you're away,” I admit, unable to stop the noise that leaves my mouth once his lips finally decide to explore the soft skin of my neck again, kissing gently along its side, pressing down harder in the spots I’ve learned are overly sensitive to touch. It’s all I can do is suppress the noises of pleasure I’ve never heard leave me before. The sensation sends a wave of desire through me. His hand grasps my jaw, pulling me into his kisses.

“You’re not normal, Forest," Xavier says, placing my ear lobe between his teeth with a gentle bite. His free hand pulls me closer to him, my lower back brushing against his leg, and a part of him I’m suddenly very aware of, soothing a part of me that had wondered if I’m the only one feeling this way right now. “I think that's why I can’t seem to stay away,” he whispers, making the pool of heat between my legs grow immensely.

“You’re sticking around then? You don’t think I'm crazy?” I question, unable to fully control what I’m saying.

“I think you are exactly what you're supposed to be, and you can guarantee I’m not going anywhere,” Xavier whispers, turning my head over my shoulder. He finally makes eye contact, and I know he notices my fully flustered face.

I expect to see the flash of his canines as he smiles, ready to let it consume me.

Instead, he looks pained, holding his throat tightly—his chest heaves. Tiny beads of sweat collect on his forehead, rolling over his furrowed brows.

“What’s wrong-”

Once more, the tune plays in my head, the notes on the piano louder than before, pulling me away from this moment and even farther away from the words I tried to get out.

“Forest!” my brother's voice yells from a few feet away.

Xavier and I pull away, fixing our disheveled clothes as we get up from the bench. I watch Xavier grab his pant leg, adjusting the front of his black slacks, making us both grow red. My brother's tall figure spots us once we’re up, giving me a sigh of relief. We make eye contact above the hedge that has been shielding us from prying eyes. Kai stalks around the small wall of green, pausing to look between us.

“I was about to run a search party to find you,” Kai mutters, keeping his eyes on Xavier.

“She just needed some fresh air,” Xavier says, speaking as confidently as he always has, not letting the moment we just shared slip him up.

“With you?” Kai questions, clearly no longer speaking to me, as I sense his hostility growing towards Xavier.

“I didn't want to be in that horrid LED nightmare box any longer,” I say, stepping in front of Xavier to get a better look at my brother. He gives me a small nod, pulling me into a hug and propping his chin on the top of my head to get me as close to him as possible.

“The last I saw of her; she was almost foaming at the mouth. Please, excuse me if I’m impatient when it comes to seeing how she is,” Kai says, looking toward Xavier, whose friendly composure has returned, ready to abate any conflict arising between them.

“I should have let you know before bringing her out here like this-”

“No, I'm glad she has someone she can talk to,” Kai says.

Even without looking, I know he’s hurt about how little I confide in him these days. I want to tell him everything. I want him to be someone I can rely on.

But the truth only brings him closer to a bullet in his head.

Xavier looks down at his watch, letting out a loud sigh, followed by an expression I know means nothing good.

“I have a detail in the Unfortunate sector, just running the perimeter of the ward to check for tears,” he says, looking up at us both, “You’d better take the next tram back to the Academy to finish out what you can of your day,” he finishes, looking to me while he speaks.

Kai gives him a brief nod, readying himself to drag us away from the small garden area.

“Can you give me two minutes, please?” I question, seeing Kai hesitate before he moves around the bush to give us some privacy.

Xavier crosses his arms, watching me make my way in front of him.

“Should I plan to see you again soon, or will I keep running into you at the strangest times?” I question, watching the man's mouth curve into a smile I greatly appreciate.

“After today, don't be surprised if I’m throwing rocks at your window in the middle of the night,” Xavier says, making me blush all over again.

I give him a nod, watching my brother try and peek through the gaps of the shrubbery to get a glance at what's happening. I wrap my arms around Xavier’s neck, feeling his hands squeeze my waist, both of us feeding into the hug. I feel our noses brush the moment we begin to separate, and just for a moment, I think about using the opportunity to finally break the last bit of space between us.

Like a bolt of lightning, a sensation flares through my mark, forcing me to bring my head down in a quiet groan. Any chance of our lips meeting fades away, only to be dragged further away by the impatient taps of my brother's foot.

“Until next time, love,” Xavier says, pressing his thumbs to my lips while cupping my face. I smile against the touch but wonder why the longing to kiss him has suddenly ebbed.

My marks burn fades away, taking my desires with it.

“Until next time,” I whisper back, watching his figure back away, giving me one last smile before slipping behind the other side of the bush. I feel empty like I’m missing something I didn't know I needed.

Human connection. Just another thing our society shuns.