Page 32

Chapter thirty

Forest

I fall to the ground, my hand pulling away from the mirror and my now regular reflection. I glance around me, patting my pocket with the hard drive, feeling some tension ease once I feel it beneath my fingertips. I hear my father’s messaging systems sound off, lighting up his computer's screen with new notifications. His body begins to jolt from his position on the floor, moving with each phone vibration.

Quickly, I run my hands under his desk, finding the switch that ensured the door would remain locked during our conversation. With one more look at him, I nudge the door open, spilling into the hallway.

I hear several voices coming from the living room, my mother and Adam two of the most prevalent. I quickly sprint for my room, forcing myself into the space and heading directly to the bathroom. Without a second thought, I grasp the medicine bottles in my cabinet, dumping the pills down into the toilet, watching their colors bleed into the water.

I flush the toilet, and they go down in seconds, leaving me with two empty bottles and a year’s worth of lies.

My door creaks open, my hands already hiding the empty bottles. I brush a piece of my lighter hair behind my ear, now seeing large strands of gray that are more pronounced than before.

“It’s just me,” Xavier’s voice says, relaxing me instantly.

I pull away from the bathroom counter, watching him close my door, flipping the lock. I let out a small sigh, pressing my head to the doorframe that separates my bedroom from my private bath. He works his way over to me, glancing into the bathroom quickly before pulling his attention back to me.

“You were in there with him for a while. Your mother was pacing the whole time-”

“Do you know?” I question, abruptly cutting him off. He looks down at me, trying to read me for more context.

“Do I know what?” he questions.

I raise my hand behind his ear, ready to meet the solid metal of his chip. My heart skips a beat as I feel an absence where his chip would reside. His hand quickly reaches up, grabbing my wrist and moving me backward into my dresser. He makes sure not to let me hit it, keeping his hand braced on my lower back, only to keep me pinned with his leg. My eyes fly up to his. I feel a panic creep into my chest. Xavier’s hand reaches up, brushing behind my ear, letting his fingertips linger on the new scar there.

“I guess I’m not the only one who questioned the validity of those things being in our head,” he says, his hands on my lower back.

“Are you-”

“Tainted? Marked? No, I'm just extremely defiant when it comes to following rules. But that's not the case for you, is it?” he says, cupping my face with both hands, easing up his leg's firm position between my own. My mind goes numb, the fear of his question settling in my thoughts.

“I’m not sure what I am,” I answer honestly, still not ready to give him the whole truth.

“You know what they're doing with them?” I question, feeling how his thumb rolls over my cheeks, bringing warmth to the skin.

“I know what they have done and will continue to do. How did you manage to pry away a chip and live to tell the tale?” he questions, my hand running along the space behind his ear where a scar should be if he’d removed his chip, too.

“You never got one?” I question, watching his jaw clench.

“I came to New Haven much later than most,” he says, the black ink revealing something painting the skin beneath his collar bone, concealed almost entirely by his uniform.

I lower my hand from his head, leaning my body into him, feeling his arms enclose around me. His body radiates warmth. A warmth I could live in. A heat I felt in every fleeting memory I have of Fallan. I think of his blue eyes and how his black curls frame his face. Those eyes hold onto me like something from a dream I do not want to wake from. Yet here I stand, seeking that same comfort from another.

“Your father has assigned me and Adam to pay your Unfortunate friend a visit,” Xavier says, his grasp slightly tightening around me.

My father may not remember all of his newfound anger toward Fallan, but that does not mean he did not share his worries with those closest to him.

“He asked you to see Fallan?” I question, watching a quick look pass over Xavier’s eyes, disappearing before I can think too much about it.

“He asked us to do more than see Fallan. He asked us to make sure he doesn't come near you again,” Xavier says, my mind racing back to the footage.

“How much do you know about him?” I question, keeping my head pressed to his chest, unable to look at him.

“I know you and your brother have treated him and his companion with respect our people don't think they deserve.”

He doesn't know about what happened on the porch.

“I will do what I can to make sure he and his friend don't get hurt,” Xavier says, pulling my chin up to look at him.

“I wouldn't mind Adam receiving a few hits of his own,” Xavier continues, flashing his perfect smile down at me.

So different from the rest. Someone willing to break every norm, no matter what it means for him.

“When is he making you go?” I question, watching Xavier’s head shake.

“Could be today, could be tomorrow. They’re keeping tabs on him, and your dad is going to reach out to us when he wants us to leave.”

No wonder my father's devices were going off. When he wakes, he will see all the messages and only have one train of thought… visiting Fallan.

The door to my father's study slams shut, followed by the loud footsteps of him walking toward the living room. Xavier’s pocket glows bright, buzzing to life with each new message. We both look at its screen as he pulls it out.

Deviant left his home. Time to go.

I silently curse to myself, hitting nothing but a wall of energy I cannot get past each time I try and reach into my mind to warn Fallan. Xavier sighs again, swiping away another message from my dad urging him to get outside and join Adam and him on their ride to the Unfortunate sector.

“I find no pleasure in any of this,” he whispers, keeping his hands at my waist, allowing himself to tug me closer. My heart rate begins to escalate as I feel his hand dip under the bottom of my shirt, exploring my bare back with soft touches. “I've wanted nothing more than to bring myself back to that moment outside the hospital and get away from all of this,” his hands move up higher, finding my spine and the lack of a bra beneath the hoodie. My shirt is ridden up, exposing my torso.

“Tell me to stop, and I will,” he whispers, my mind hazy with desire.

I have no such command for him. I lean into him. His hands move away from my back and onto my legs, hoisting me onto my dresser, nearly knocking everything to the floor. His hands return to my waist, using his thumbs to rub my sides. Our noses touch, our lips inches apart as the warmth pools between my legs. I feel a wave of pleasure come over me, unable to stop the noise that leaves me once his lips meet the skin of my neck, trailing his tongue up towards my ear. I let out a small gasp, feeling him suck on the gentle skin in the sensitive area that always makes my breath unsteady. “I saw the bruises on your neck. It made me angry that someone else touched you,” he whispers, pressing his lips down, eliciting yet another sound of pleasure from my throat.

“I-I was attacked,” I whisper, almost unable to get the explanation out once his hands grasped my upper thighs.

“I know,” he says, pulling away. “No one should have been that close to you,” he utters, a new side to him seeping through the cracks.

It’s a side to him that I’ve felt with someone else.

A side of him that is in Fallan.

I see his blue eyes once more, the faint memory of him close to me, touching my skin in the ways Xavier does now. It's like someone is banging on the wall in my mind, begging to come in. Is that Fallan? Is he who I feel? His hands explored me like no one else had before, holding me, our hearts beating as one that night by the fire. The wave of nausea comes over me once again, my body rejecting my closeness to Xavier, forcing me to lean away as I try to stop the churn in my stomach. He quickly pulls away, helping me down as he rubs my back. I close my eyes, shoving back against the presence trying to break through my mind and forcing it out, letting myself look for Fallan.

“I've been trying to say something for hours-” Fallan’s voice starts.

“They’re coming your way, Fallan. Whatever you do, keep yourself safe,” I yell, not giving him the chance to continue.

My want to be near Xavier dies when I hear his voice. My rational thinking returns, resulting in my need to be near the raven-haired man.

“Do not come here. Whatever you do, Forest, you have to stay there,” Fallan says. Silence fills my mind shortly after.

Like a mask being lifted, I suddenly feel more aware, forcing up the defensive line in my mind as the haze of hormones passes. I look at Xavier, watching him glance at his phone screen. His eyes dart to me. His cheeks are still flush from our interaction.

“We could find a way away from all of this,” I start, feeling my words spill out of me, my voice not sounding like mine. I glance in the mirror, feeling my stomach drop at the sight of her silver hair as she speaks for me. “But I need you to do one thing,” I say, feeling my hand rise as I hold up a finger.

“I’ll do what I can,” he says, grabbing my hand and letting his lips land on its surface.

“Whatever you do,” I whisper. “Keep Fallan and Hunter safe, no matter what it takes.”

Maybe she and I can agree on something.

I now see how many people have decided to crowd the small area of my living room, leaving little to no space for Xavier and me once we finally decide to leave my room. I had let him guide me down the hallway, taking his hand within my own, only letting my grasp fall once eyes began shifting in our direction. Max sits on our couch, speaking to Kai in whispers. My mother sits perched on the ledge of our window, watching the world outside, looking paler than usual. I avoid her gaze once she takes notice of our presence, unsure how to look at her after what I had seen in my stolen memories. My father and Adam are gone, and the pit in my stomach grows.

“Where is Dad?” I question Kai, looking away from my mother completely.

“He had some work in the Unfortunate sector,” my mother answers for him. “Work I think you are supposed to tend to,” she pushes, looking over Xavier sternly.

He gives her a nod, hesitantly moving away from me. Unlike his usual light-hearted demeanor, he has a cold expression, barely acknowledging my brother or Max as he progresses toward the front door. No words are exchanged between my mother and him as he passes, leaving us in complete silence once he closes the door behind him. Max tries to break the tension, pulling himself over the side of the couch to stand in front of me.

“Adam offered me a position under him after this school year,” Max says, smiling ear to ear.

My eyes snap to my mom, watching the despair wash over her face. She knows what they will turn him into. The boy she has watched grow for years. “It's why I was over here in the first place.”

"What a waste of time,” I snap, reaching into my mind. Repeatedly, I call out to Fallan.

“Forest, that's not-”

“I don't want to hear it from you,” I snarl, watching my mother’s mouth close. I take a step back, feeling the disgust swirl inside my chest. It isn't me speaking now, it's that thing.

The other side of me.

“It's an honor to be offered a role like this so young,” Max begins, doing his best to follow along with me as I turn away. He grabs my shirt, stopping me from taking another step. “Just because you've decided to be cold to everyone recently doesn't mean you get to stand here and ridicule me and your mother.” His body moves in front of me, acting as a barricade for me and refusing to let me avoid this conversation.

I grasp his wrist, feeling his blood pulsing beneath my palm. He closes his mouth, wincing as I squeeze as tight as I can.

“Get the fuck out of my way, Max, before I make you,” I say, hearing its tone linger in my own.

He shakes his head in confusion, glancing at my mother. She watches the spectacle with a hand covering her mouth, unable to understand what’s happening to the daughter in front of her. Kai is on his feet, looking more upset with Max than he does me.

“Let her go, Max,” my mother whispers. “I think she is better off spending some alone time with herself today to reflect on her actions,” my mom finishes, glancing at her watch, discovering it’s well past her allotted lunch hour.

I let go of his wrist, watching him step aside.

“There's a certain irony in you thinking I’m the only one in this house who needs reflection,” I mutter, brushing another thin strand of gray hair behind my ear.

“What is that supposed to mean?” my mother questions.

“There isn't a mirror big enough for the reflection this family needs,” I let out, leaving her to consider my meaning.

Kaiden

It wasn’t hard to get Max to leave after my sister's outburst in the living room. These days, speaking to her is like walking on eggshells. My mother did her best to hide the tears that slipped from her eyes after the interaction. She kept it together before returning to work. All I could do was let her lean on me, feeling her tears coat the front of my shirt in splotches. My father seemed off today too. He hesitated in a brief listlessness and his usual, purposeful movements seemed more aloof than anything else. I kiss my mother on the head, trying to wipe away the emotions painted on her face.

I look around at our quiet home, glancing at my sister's door. My legs move quicker than my mind, urging me closer to the one person in my family who wants nothing more than to be alone. My hand hovers on the handle, unsure if I am ready to face her.

“Come in,” I hear her voice say from the other side, less aggravated than the side of her I saw moments ago.

Slowly, I open the door, meeting the figure of my sister perched on the edge of her bed, holding her hands in her hair out of pure frustration. Her dresser is a mess. Everything is knocked over, spilled onto the floor. Her hands shake as they entwine with her locks. Her bag is filled to the brim with items, all things she would never traditionally carry around. Her green eyes pull up from their downward position, clouded with tears threatening to spill over.

“Mom was a mess,” I say, inviting myself to join her on her bed. Her clock is unplugged from the wall and, to my surprise, missing several cables.

“Mom’s working for bad people,” my sister whispers, furthering my suspicions that there is more going on than she's willing to share.

“Mom works for our people,” I say, watching my sister give me a longing look.

“Do you believe this is all me, Kai? Or can you feel deep down that maybe something is wrong? Does nothing feel off to you?” she pushes, pressing her hand to my chest.

Ever since the night of the movie screening, nothing has felt quite right. It's like my sister is slowly fading in front of me, becoming a version of herself that knows too much but can say so little. In fleeting moments, I feel what she speaks of. The feeling that something is wrong.

“What haven’t you told me?” I question.

She slides away from the bed, pacing back and forth in frustration.

“We all smile and laugh, eating every single lie our superiors tell us, but is that truly what our people want to do? Or were they forced to? Does anything feel like your choice?” she questions.

I draw more blanks, unsure why I cannot give her a clear answer. It should be obvious. The yes should come so quickly. Has everything been my choice? She pushes back on the rules of New Haven so often, like it’s impossible for her to see the good here.

“I need more if you want me to answer that question,” I say, feeling her hands grasp the side of my face.

“I can’t tell you, Kai. You need to see it. You need to see everything while doing your best to convince them you are still naive,” she whispers, shifting her eyes from me to the small bag beside her nightstand.

It isn't just a bag of things. It's a bag to get her out of here.

“Fallan is the one Dad is meeting in the Unfortunate sector,” I piece together. “You weren't trying to push Mom away. You were making sure she and Max left so no one would follow you,” I whisper, watching all the emotion leave her face.

“I don't know what they will do to him, Kai,” she whispers, grasping the handle of her bag. “I'm not willing to stand by and find out,” she continues, rising to her feet. “I won't let you stop me,” she says, fidgeting with an ID I know is not hers.

“Why?” I question.

Her green eyes only seem that much more tormented at this moment.

“Why what?” she questions, hiking up the bag on her shoulder.

“Why go after him?” I question, genuinely seeking the truth.

“I don’t know why…. That's why I have to go,” she says, readying herself to move past me. I grab her bag, quickly deflecting the hit meant to release my grasp on her bag. I hold her fist, watching confusion take over her expression.

“I won’t stop you from going,” I start, lowering her fist back to her side. “On one condition,” I mutter, walking out of her room, feeling her trail behind me as I make my way to my own bedroom. My hands meet my closet door, pulling out my darkest hoodie and forcing it over my head. I raise the hood, finding another big enough to conceal her. My arm is stretched toward her, daring her to take it from me.

“And what's your condition?” she questions, grasping the extra hoodie.

I pause, running my finger along the scar behind my ear. The same scar she shares behind her ear. The scar that burns hot every time I’m near an Official.

“That you take me with you.”