Page 16

Chapter fourteen

Forest

M y eyes fly open at a sudden movement, nearly sending my head forward and into the side of the bathtub. My legs are to my chest, keeping my body in a fetal position comfortably situated within the bathtub. A hand touches my upper arm, nudging me awake with gentle motions. With a turn of my head, I see Max’s eyes, looking me over with a grin, cocking his head in amusement at the sight in front of him.

“You slept here last night?” Max questions, observing the entirety of the bathroom as he kneels next to the tub.

“I guess I did,” I rub my eyes, trying to rid myself of the remnants of sleep, “I was just trying to listen to the rain. It must have knocked me out,” I admit, looking over his slumped state against the ground as the statement triggers the memories I had managed to keep away long enough for a night's rest.

“I should have followed after you last night,” Max says, rubbing the back of his neck in shame. I pull myself up entirely, meeting his eyes as he grips the side of the tub. “You just seemed so upset, and I already felt like I had done something wrong. I just figured you needed your space away from me. I don’t know if I did something to make you uncomfortable-”

I grab his hands, rubbing my thumbs over his knuckles. He notices my worn hand, ready to comment on it. I force my head in his line of sight, getting him to focus back on me and not the wounds I have no way of justifying to him right now.

“You did nothing wrong, Max. I got sick and honestly didn't want to put a damper on anyone else’s night,” I say, which seems to ease him into a more relaxed position. “Are you doing okay?” I question, surveying his face for any marks a careless Official might have left while trampling over the students last night. My hands touch his cheeks, feeling him smile beneath my fingers.

“I’m sorry if what I said to those Unfortunates upset you. It's hard trying to process your sudden sympathy for them,” Max begins. I grab his face again, stopping the train of thought I know is unbearable for him.

“Don't apologize. I’m the one who has been off, not you,” I admit, pressing my forehead to his as I draw a deep breath.

“Just give me a little bit of time to figure myself out. I promise you I am doing my best to pull myself away and out of this funk," I whisper, running my thumbs over his cheeks, regretting my decision last night to flush my pill down the toilet. Had I taken it, maybe this moment would be what he needs from me. So many other girls would fall for him, feeding into his touch in this moment, happily being what he wants.

It just can't be me.

“I need some time to figure out my headspace before dragging you into it with me,” I finished, pulling my head away from his, not allowing him to try and explore another kiss.

He looks slightly disappointed, not letting the look linger as he grabs my hands, hauling me to my feet. My legs feel wobbly as I use them for the first time. I stagger, almost falling into him, before fixing my posture.

“I don’t think I’ve met someone clumsier than you,” Max says, returning to his usual light-hearted banter. “Now let's go make you a proper bed,” he says, helping me gather the comforters and pillows with a smile I know he’s struggling to show.

His disappointment is the one thing keeping him away from a reality I have yet to understand fully.

It's better this way.

It has to be.

My brother's voice fills the hallway, going on about rules and regulations and how he thinks he can improve them. Max shoots me a backward look, already curious how my brother could be this passionate this early in the morning. I smooth down my uniform, readjusting my tie for the millionth time. Max had patiently waited outside my room while I changed, tapping his foot against the floorboards in a rhythm. My hair is pulled back in a ponytail, showcasing the shadows on my face even more than when I had it down. I look as drained as my mother. Once more, I flushed down my pill this morning, clutching it with as much hesitation as the night before.

The sleek Official uniform makes me pause. My hands shake as I watch them lean on the counter, listening to Kai’s extravagant rant. Rae sits on our couch, gawking at the Official with love-struck eyes. The Official lowers his hood, revealing the familiar blonde curls, washing away my anxieties with a few deep breaths.

He was never there last night. Given his less-than-traditional views, I would be surprised if they even allowed him to know anything. Kai’s eyes dart behind Xavier, landing on Max and me with a nod. This is the first time he’s seen me since last night. Everyone but Max decided that giving me space was in their best interests.

Xavier turns around, tuning out my brother, his eyes landing directly on me. I feel a sudden comfort in his smile, wanting nothing more than to break away from Max and pull him aside to dive deep into all that I saw despite the uniform he wears. He half listens to my brother, giving him short answers to satisfy him. His eyes move past Max, scrunching his brows before returning to me. Kai gradually takes the hint, excusing himself from the conversation once he takes notice of Rae staring at the intimidating blonde he’s been talking to.

I see now the other Officials lingering in my home. Some in the kitchen, others spilling from my father's study. I try not to make eye contact with them, recognizing a few from last night's movie screening at the school. Much like last night, they all smile, clearly unaware that I remember what happened. One, in particular, stands out, making me sick to my stomach by their comfort level in my home.

The man who had stepped on my arm now stands in my kitchen, drinking a large cup of coffee from one of our mugs, taking seconds from the pot my mother had brewed for us this morning. The man smiles at me, but it’s impossible to reciprocate.

“Good morning, kiddo,” the man says, trying his best to make me respond to his warm gestures.

I touch my wrist, remembering his words after stepping all over me. I didn’t know it then, but I know it now.

It was him.

“Blackburn created a beauty like that?” I hear him say in the shadows of my thoughts.

His sick voice clings to my mind as clearly as the image of him watching the girl’s lifeless body. He laughed with a careless ease, not once batting an eye as her life slowly slipped free from her.

Xavier steps in my line of vision, blocking my blank stare toward the man indulging in the pleasures of our home. He waves his hand over my eyes, drawing me back to reality with a warm smile. Max has joined his twin on the couch, looking over Xavier and me with a less-than-pleasant expression.

“How are we this morning, Blackburn?” Xavier questions, looking back again to see the man's continuous gawk in my direction, more specifically, my arm he had damaged.

“You have a report to run, Nick. Why don’t you go busy yourself in mindless stares somewhere else,” Xavier says, snapping at his superior with a relaxed posture. The man’s uniform is threaded with multiple stitches of gold vinery, showcasing his rank within the Official’s regiment. I expect Nick to snap back at Xavier, questioning why someone so young would be so bold. Instead, he nods, setting the mug in the sink without another word.

“He was making you uncomfortable, right?” Xavier questions quietly, watching Nick leave the room with a lowered head.

“I can’t say I like being looked at like I’m a meal. Any particular reason he let you speak to him like that?” I question, watching Xavier’s mouth curve upward once more.

“I may or may not have some proof he visits Unfortunate backroom dancers on his days off,” Xavier says slyly.

“ Prostitutes? ” I question silently. I expected him to tell me it was all a joke.

“Funny how they walk on such a moral high ground above the Unfortunates and yet have no issues doing things like that,” Xavier scolds, crossing his arms with a shake of his head.

I can tell by Max’s sudden tenseness he heard the comment. A small camera lingers by the cabinet near Xavier’s head. Despite those two things, Xavier still speaks openly.

“I think the Untouchable’s self-gain is their only priority, no matter who they hurt. It’s selfish,” I utter, expecting him to disagree with me immediately.

“It’s nauseatingly selfish to act like we've done any Unfortunate any favors,” Xavier whispers, holding my eye contact with nothing but a genuine expression.

“You believe that?” I question, watching his eyes move toward the camera before returning to me.

“Don’t you?” he questions, moving his body in front of the watchful government device.

I give him my first genuine smile, which is confirmation enough. Xavier’s presence is like a breath of fresh air. He’s the first person I have found myself wanting to be around. Everything about him only draws me in. Every sly comment, every small joke, and every stolen moment alone with him makes the years of being alone with my thoughts feel lighter. I cling to our interactions, wishing nothing more than to be alone with him and away from all the noise around us.

“What did you do?” he questions, breaking me free from my reverie.

His fingers gently touch my wrist, grazing over what’s left of the bruises from last night. I wince at the touch, taking a mental note of the countless cameras and Officials in my home. He looks displeased by the sight, running his finger over the textured pattern the boot had managed to make in my forearm.

“Is that from a shoe?” he continues, keeping us turned away from my friends and their wandering eyes.

I want to tell him everything. I want to scream into his chest and reflect on the horrors of the night.

But Fallan’s words close my throat, stopping the truth from escaping.

“ If you want to stay alive, close your fucking eyes and don’t move.”

It wasn’t Unfortunates who pulled that trigger. It wasn’t Unfortunates who Fallan feared. It was my people. As much as I want to tell Xavier, he’s still not safe, and until I know he is, there's no way I can throw all of this onto him. I know the fact that I remember what happened last night would create a target on my back and most likely end in a death sentence. If I tell Xavier, I just put him on the chopping block with Fallan and me.

“No,” I begin, letting his finger continue tracing over the skin.

“She fell at the screening,” Max says, answering for me in a dismissive tone.

“Thank you, Vega. I didn't realize you were also the beautiful brunette standing next to me,” Xavier says.

My stomach does a flip, filling with heat at his words. I can't stop the smile that spans across my face, my red cheeks now on full display for everyone. Xavier continues to eye down Max with his taunting smirk, keeping his hand on my wrist as Rae and Kai exchange a look. Max scoffs at the man, turning forward, defeated and unable to find a response.

Xavier's hair falls onto his face, moving with him once he looks back at me.

“Beautiful?” I whisper, nudging him gently, poking fun at the comment.

“Would you rather I lie, Ms. Blackburn?” he questions.

My desire for him to move his hand from around my wrist down to my waist crosses my mind.

“But seriously, are you okay?” he questions, gently dropping my wrist and crossing his arms.

I pause, reflecting on his words.

“I don’t know how to answer that if I’m being honest,” I admit, walking the line between a lie and the truth.

“Kai, my boy!” Adam’s booming voice yells, making Xavier wince as he takes several steps away from me.

I angrily stare at the man, watching him clap my brother on the back with genuine familiarity. His pistol is attached to his side. The same pistol he used to end the injured girl's life before hauling her away like a sack of trash. Nick and my father gravitate closer to my father’s study, deep in conversation about affairs they’d rather no one else hear.

I hold the bottom of my skirt, forcing it farther down than it already goes, not wanting to have either man see any part of me. Without thinking, I moved myself back to Xavier, making my way behind him to shield my father’s colleagues from getting a good look at me.

“Are you going to tell me why you seem so scared right now?” Xavier asks in a whisper, turning back toward me. I shake my head, darting my eyes to the two men, now suddenly aware of my presence. Adam pulls away from Kai, motioning for me to move out from behind Xavier. I clench my jaw, standing my ground. Xavier does not try to force me out from behind him.

“Forest, socialize,” my father orders, waving his hand in the air toward me. I swallow slowly, taking several steps away from Xavier, continuing to hold my skirt down.

“Forest, you remember Adam,” my father says, moving his companion closer, smiling alongside the murderer standing next to him.

“What’s it been? A few years, kiddo? I always see your brother during the Student Advocate tours of the Official Headquarters. It seems like just yesterday your father was carrying you around in his arms,” Adam says, light-heartedly.

He killed her. He killed her in cold blood.

“I don’t find much interest in things as trivial as the Student Advocacy Program,” I say coldly, hearing Xavier stifle a laugh. Adam’s eyes dart to the man, his brow twitching before turning back to me.

“To each their own, I suppose,” Adam begins, scanning over my brother and the twins surrounding him. “How did you all enjoy the screening last night?” he questions, making me feel as though he’s indirectly pointing his words at me.

“I can’t say it was my favorite event the school hosted,” I say, cutting off anyone else from being able to answer.

“Any particular reason why?” Adam pauses, taking a step, looking down at me with curious eyes.

“That movie is painstakingly predictable. Can you blame her?” Xavier says, shoving himself into the conversation, de-escalating the growing tensions.

“I suppose you're right,” Adam says, backing away as his livelier attitude returns.

Nick finally pulls away from his conversation with my dad, moving closer to address Adam directly. I clench my skirt tighter, and my knuckles grow white as Nick glances at my wrist again to look at the proof of what he’d done last night.

“Your question reminded me,” Xavier says, grabbing my elbow to guide me farther away from the man and closer to my front door. “Do you remember the flowers I was telling you about? The ones that grow in the Fall?” Xavier questions, diverting the conversation to something completely new. He narrows his eyes, trying to signal me to go along with it.

“Yes, vaguely. I might need a reminder,” I say, letting him lead me closer to my front door.

“Your father took my suggestion and planted a few. Do you mind if I show her what's already started to bloom? I don't want to forget,” Xavier says, reaching into his pocket to grab his ID and check out on the panel by the front door.

“Go for it. Kai seems more eager to speak to me anyways,” my father says, dismissing us with a smile. “You all join them outside in five, or else you'll be late for the tram to school,” my father says to my brother, Rae, and Max, watching me tap my ID with a smile before Xavier and I move out into the cold air.

I scan the flower beds in front of the house, looking at the empty pots filled with nothing but the daisies each house is allowed to have.

“I was hoping he forgot I never planted anything,” Xavier says, rubbing the back of his neck before pulling me off the front steps and closer to the side of the house.

He stops, crossing his arms while he watches me.

“Why are you suddenly so aware of Nick and Adam? They have been in your house countless times, and only now are you avoiding them like the plague,” Xavier says. I glance up at the house's side camera, clenching the material of my skirt tightly.

Xavier peers up at the tiny spy, dipping down to grab a handful of rocks.

“What are you-”

He hurls the rocks without warning, shattering the camera and pulling me away from the fragmented glass that hits the ground. Its pieces smoke, crushed further by the heel of his boot, now pressed down on it.

“It’s just you and me. So please, tell me what really happened,” he pleads, watching me lean onto the side of my house. My hands drag down my face out of frustration.

“I can't,” I whisper, thinking of the implications of telling him what I saw and what the true nature of the chips behind everyone’s ears really is.

He grabs my arm again, holding it up in my line of vision.

“Who did this?” he questions, pointing to the house. “Was it one of those two idiots? Don't you dare lie. I can tell when you’re lying to me,” he takes a step closer. Unlike everyone else who has been this close, I don’t want him away from me. His scent engulfs my nose with notes of cinnamon and oak. I want to yank him down to me, exploring his face with my hands. I wonder if it’s as satisfying to touch as it is to look at.

But still, I remain silent.

“Was it Adam?” he questions. I offer him nothing.

He pauses, touching my chin, pulling my gaze back up to him.

“Was it Nick?” he questions. Without thinking, I grasp his forearm a little tighter at the mention of the man’s name.

Xavier curses, clenching his jaw, letting his gentle expression melt away. I watch his frustration grow, festering the longer he looks at the wound.

“That arrogant asshole. I swear, your father and I can get him in tremendous trouble, but I’ll start by dragging him across your living room-” he begins, moving back toward my house.

“No!” I yell, yanking him back toward me, watching him stumble in an attempt to stabilize himself. I hold him with all I have, hearing my rapid heartbeat fill my ears as he now stands over me, both of his hands on the wall above my head.

“If you tell him I know that he did it, it won't be safe for either of us,” I whisper, grasping the front of his uniform with shaky hands.

“Forest, I need more than that-”

“I can't. I can't tell you,” I begin, pressing my head to his chest with a large sigh. “But please, please, trust me when I tell you that I want to,” I say, and I hope he can hear the heavy emotion coating my voice.

There is a pause between the two of us. It’s a moment where the silence is close to deafening.

His hands come over my head, gently running them through my hair, starting from the top of my neck and trailing down the length of my back. Instead of pushing me away, he pulls me closer, moving his hands from my hair to my waist, touching my hips with his large hands. I try to deflect his hand’s graze over my mark, nearly losing my breath once his fingertips glide over the top of the rough skin.

Something awakens inside me, clawing free from the depths of my mind, sending all of me into overdrive. It coaxes my mind, making every part of me burn hot. Every emotion flows through me. Pain, fear, power, and lust all come together to sink the teeth into the comforts of his touch. His hand grasps tighter, pulling me in closer, seemingly unable to see on the surface what is happening within me. I close my eyes, letting myself sink into his touch. Once more, I can sense another presence in my mind. I focus on that foreign energy within me, expecting to want nothing more than to shove it away, but instead, I embrace it, feeling the mix of pleasure and security it brings me the more I allow it to explore my mind.

His hands move up from my hips, traveling to the side of my face, touching my heated cheeks. I grasp his front tighter, feeling the muscular torso lingering beneath the black uniform.

“Where were you just then?” he questions, running his thumbs over my cheeks in gentle motions.

“With you,” I mutter, smiling against the rolls of his thumbs over my face.

The feeling fades away, leaving as quickly as it came. Unlike every other time before this, my mark fills with pleasure instead of pain, expanding out into my body in relaxing waves.

Is it him inside my mind? I question internally, looking over Xavier’s kind eyes.

“Was it you just then?” I whisper, seeing his eyebrows pull into a look of confusion.

Several footsteps scuff the ground, growing closer with each passing second. Xavier looks ready to say more but is promptly cut off by the sound of my friends’ mindless chatter.

“This conversation is far from over,” Xavier whispers, pressing his lips to my ear, sending a wave of chills through my body.

He pulls his hands away from me, taking a step back and shoving them in his pockets instead. My father, my brother, and friends round the corner of the house, looking between the two of us with wide-eyed gazes. Xavier leans onto the wall, looking down at the shattered camera my father has now noticed.

“What happened?” he questions, moving to get a closer look.

“I’m assuming a bird hit it. Can’t trust those genetically modified flying rats,” Xavier says, giving himself a solid alibi.

I smile at his quick response, watching him shrug his shoulders in amusement.

“I guess maybe we should have just kept them as target practice for Officials in training instead of letting them breed and explore New Haven,” my father says, shaking his head at the broken camera.

“Officials get to do target practice?” Max questions, relaxing his rigid posture.

“That, and so much more,” Xavier says, flashing his mesmerizing grin at Max.

“How hard is it to be placed in the Official training program after you complete Judgement Day?” Max questions, stepping closer to the man he wanted nothing to do with moments ago.

“Why don’t you three get to school? Xavier can take Max back once they are done with their conversation. Only one of you needs to be late,” my father says, urging us forward and away from the side of our house with a nudge of my back. I don’t argue, giving Xavier one last look.

“If you want to make it, you’d better go now,” my father says, pulling my attention away from the two blondes gradually getting deeper into a conversation about the training program.

I don’t try to linger, allowing myself to follow behind Rae and Kai’s quick walk to the tram, stowing away the events and stolen moments with Xavier on the side of the house in the safest parts of my mind.

Kai’s eyes avert to me every few steps, ready to hit me with a line of questioning he knows is sure to piss me off. It’s not very often that Kai is this quiet on our morning walk to the tram. Instead of taking long strides to walk ahead with Rae, he lingers behind, messing with a thread on his sleeve while making no attempts to start a conversation.

“What is it, Kai?” I question, unable to bear the longing look he gives me whenever he thinks I don’t notice he’s staring.

“It’s nothing.”

Already, he’s underestimating my ability to tell when something is off with him.

“You’ve been staring at me this whole walk like I have 'Unfortunate Lover' written across my face.”

We both pause, looking over one another with varying expressions.

“So, spit it out,” I finish.

Rae is too caught up in her pursuit to make it to the tram in time to notice our sudden stop. I tear away the thread on his sleeve, giving him nothing else to focus on.

“You and Xavier were inches apart when I saw you two together. Are you sneaking around with Officials now to piss off Dad?” Kai questions. His inability to recall anything about what the other Officials did last night is becoming increasingly unbearable, especially when he speaks of them like people I would enjoy spending time with.

“I’m not sneaking around with anyone,” my voice comes out angrier than expected. “You can't even begin to understand what the hell I’ve been dealing with. Xavier has been helping-”

“By cozying up to you when you’re clearly having issues that make you more vulnerable?” Kai throws back at me, stopping my train of thought.

“I-I'm not having issues,” I whisper, feeling the pain linger in my chest from his comment.

He crosses his arms, looking down at the pavement. I can see the sadness reflected in his stare.

“Are you having hallucinations again, Forest?” Kai continues, not looking up to address me. “If you're seeing things again, I’m sure Mom can up your medication-”

“You knew about the meds?”

He looks startled by the question, covering his mouth as if he hadn’t meant to mention it to begin with.

“Listen, it doesn’t matter what I know. Even the well-off Untouchables sometimes have to medicate. If you tell Mom and Dad you are struggling, maybe they can help.”

My anger washes over me like a tidal wave.

“I’m not struggling!” I yell, forcing myself several feet away from my brother, touching the scar that lies behind the back of my ear. Even Rae pauses her walk, turning back to see just how far ahead she had gotten. Kai is dead silent, clasping his hands together patiently. “You may think you have all of this figured out, Kai, that you’re above everyone else when it comes to understanding how the world works,” I begin, pointing at his chest. “But you have no idea who I am, and I’m tired of you pretending that you do,” I continue, angrily backing away from him with small grunts.

“So what?” he questions angrily, “You spend two minutes flirting with an Official on the side of the house, and suddenly you’re too much of an outcast for me to understand? Do you think you're the only person who struggles to find their place, Forest? Because you’re not. Your whole life has been handed to you, yet you walk around like you don’t want it-”

“I don’t want it!” I yell, watching his body tense up at the remark.

“You can follow along and play the perfect son. You can listen to the rules and pretend that you've had a choice in where you stand in this whole fucking ant farm we live in. But what you won't do is pretend for a second that you understand how I feel because if you did, you wouldn’t be looking at me like you are right now. You wouldn’t be looking at me like I’m crazy-”

“Maybe you are crazy. Mom and Dad should have never relied on those pills when you started seeing things that weren’t real,” Kai spits. Angrily, his eyes drop, narrowing in a way I have only seen Fallan look at me.

I scoff at the comment, nodding as my feet begin to back me away. A small laugh leaves me, supported by the countless emotions encompassing my chest the closer I move to Rae. I can see the regret wash over my brother’s face as his hand runs over his tired eyes.

“Maybe I am crazy, Kai. Go ahead and add it to the list of reasons you look down on me instead of being my brother,” I whisper, turning my back on him and moving straight past Rae's solemn expression.

There is more he wants to know. There is so little he’s chosen to say. Every word he spoke to me felt like another weight on my chest. I don’t even try and talk to Rae as I move past her.

Nothing she can say will make any of this better.

The tram is already filled with students, some more lively than others. My legs burn as I continue my rapid pace forward.

His dark black curls poke out from beneath the hood of his jacket. He grabs the railing, readying himself to get onto the vehicle. His head is craned in my direction, giving me a look of confusion the closer I draw to his paused position on the steps. I grab the metal railing, taking a few steps ahead of Fallan to make myself taller. I drag down his hood as I move up the steps, leaning over just close enough that the words between us will only be our own.

“Turn me in, I don’t care. I am not begging for your answers anymore. I know you know the truth, and you will give it to me, one way or another,” I whisper, watching his jaw clench as he registers his inability to speak freely with so many eyes and ears around.

Mark looks over the exchange with wide eyes. Still, I offer the gentleman a soft smile, ensuring he knows it’s for him. My shoulder shoves past Fallan, meeting a chest much harder than I expected. A few of the regular riders peer at my smile toward the driver, giving me a few looks of surprise the closer I move to my standard seat. Fallan clenches his hands as he sits at the end of the bus. I stare at him, only pulling my attention away to eye down a fellow passenger whose eyes have yet to leave me. I’ve seen them around the Academy a few times, but not frequently enough to put a name to the face.

“What?” I question toward the watchful passenger. The accusation lingering in their stare is enough to make anyone snap. Utilizing their better judgment, they look away immediately. My gaze moves to my brother and Rae as they get on board with no acknowledgment to Mark.

Not that they ever do.

“Since when do you smile at that bus driver?” one of the girls asks in a genuine tone.

I’m caught off guard by her question, cocking my head at her with annoyance.

“I’m not sure. Maybe I’m feeling benevolent,” I say, not caring to hide the lack of desire I have to interact with her.

Even from here, I can hear Fallan quietly chuckle at my response, making my blood run hot with anger at the idea of bringing him any joy.

Kai and Rae sit next to me, neither one of them trying to engage me for the rest of the ride to the Academy.