Page 51

Kat

Kat rang Jude’s buzzer a second time, shifting the package she was holding to her other arm. She still had her key, but it felt wrong to use it. She was starting to worry that Jude wasn’t home when the door finally buzzed and unlocked.

Kat climbed the four flights of stairs, her heart hammering with nerves. Jude hadn’t even called down to check who it was, and Kat wasn’t sure her appearance after two weeks of not talking would be a welcome surprise.

She knocked on Jude’s door and heard Jude call, “It’s open.” Taking a deep breath, she stepped inside. It took some maneuvering to close the door behind her without dropping the big paper-wrapped package she was carrying.

Jude was lying on the couch in the living room with a book but sat up, clearly startled, when she saw Kat. They stared at each other for a few beats. She was wearing jeans and an old softball T-shirt, a soft one that Kat knew intimately from burrowing into the crook of Jude’s arm.

“I thought you were Rhys,” Jude said. “What are you doing here?”

Kat set the package on the ground and leaned it carefully against the wall. Then she walked over to stand in front of Jude. “I came to say that I’m sorry. I’ve been cruel to you, and I owe you an explanation.”

Jude didn’t say anything, but she also didn’t yell at Kat to get out, so Kat went on.

“Three months ago, Jocelyn told me that I needed to be seen with someone in public as a way of coming out without actually coming out.

And then you sent me that DM, or Rhys did, and it seemed perfect.

Because I really, really liked you when I first met you in the bookstore and I wanted an excuse to see you again.

“Ever since I was eleven, everything I’ve done has been for my career.

I never paid any attention to who I was or what I wanted.

Thinking about those things felt selfish when so many people were counting on me—my fans, my parents, the network, my costars.

I became an expert at shoving down my real feelings so I could be perfect for everyone else.

Whenever it felt unbearable, I reminded myself how lucky I was, and not to be ungrateful for everything I had. ”

Jude picked up a pillow and put it in her lap, crossing her arms over it, hugging it close to her chest. Kat couldn’t read her expression.

“I told myself that I was dating you to advance my career, but the truth is you always meant more to me.

I fell for you at the very beginning, in the bookstore.

You were so kind to me, and you talked to me in this open way that made me feel like it was okay to not fully know who I am.

You made me feel safe. I wanted more of that feeling.

And the more I got to know you, the more I wanted you in my life.

“These past months, you’ve made me realize that it’s not selfish to be myself. You got past all the defenses I’d been clinging to and made me feel like I could trust someone else for the first time in a long time. That I could trust myself.”

Kat’s voice shook.

“I fired Jocelyn. I realized that I don’t want a manager who urges me to act like that anymore.

And I can’t blame her for what I did, because I’m the one who made those choices, but I promise you I’m going to make better ones in the future.

I should have told you the truth right away, but I was too scared of losing you.

I was so wrong, and I’m here to ask for your forgiveness.

” A few tears escaped down her cheek as she continued.

“I should never have lied to you. I should never have left you alone in that restaurant. But most of all, I should have fought for you, Jude. I should have told you how real my feelings are. I should have told you that sometimes when you kiss me, I feel so happy I can’t breathe.

I should have told you that sometimes when we spend the night together, I don’t fall asleep for hours because I don’t want to miss a single second of how good it feels to be in your arms.”

Kat stepped forward, slowly, waiting to see if Jude would pull back. When she didn’t, Kat reached out a hand and pushed it gently through Jude’s hair, savoring the softness between her fingers. “I should have told you that I love you, Jude.”

Jude let out a small breath at those last words. Her eyes were shining, and for a glorious moment, Kat was sure that she was going to stand up and close the space between them.

But instead Jude leaned back.

Kat’s stomach dropped. She stood there with her arms still outstretched for a few seconds before she recovered enough to lower them. Dread pooled in her throat, making her tongue taste bitter.

Jude rubbed her hands together, the thumb of one hand pressing into the palm of the other, then switching. Finally, she said, in a slightly unsteady voice, “Thank you. I really appreciate you coming here and saying all of that. But I can’t do this.”

Once, when she was a kid, Kat had jumped off the swings on the playground, expecting her dad to catch her. She’d realized too late that he wasn’t paying attention. That was what this moment felt like: hoping for a soft landing, then smashing into the wood chips instead.

“I don’t think a relationship can recover from a lie like that,” Jude said. “How am I supposed to know you won’t do something like this again? That you won’t suddenly leave, the way Becca did?” She shook her head. “How am I supposed to trust you?”

Kat’s throat was closing up. She could barely breathe. She wanted to beg, to plead, to keep making her case. But part of making amends was accepting the other person’s response, even if it wasn’t the one you’d hoped for.

It took everything she had to say, “I understand. Thank you for listening.”

“I’m sorry,” Jude whispered. Kat walked to the door, then turned back to let herself take one last tear-blurred look at the person she’d thought she could have a future with.

“Goodbye, Jude,” she said.

Jude stared at her as if she, too, was memorizing Kat’s face, trying to hold on to every small detail of the last time they’d see each other.

“Goodbye, Kat,” she said.