Page 20

Kat

It had been seven hours since they’d escaped from the crowd in Old Navy, and Kat hadn’t heard a word from Jude.

That wasn’t necessarily unusual. So far, they’d only texted each other to make or confirm plans. It wasn’t like they messaged back and forth all day long. But still, it felt odd that Jude wouldn’t check in at all after they’d been nearly crushed to death against a rack of discount sweaters.

Unless, of course, the whole incident had made Jude realize just how big of a mistake dating Kat was.

In the car afterward, they’d barely said a word to each other.

Kat had told the driver to drop Jude off at home, and Jude hadn’t protested.

She’d only asked if this kind of thing had happened before, and Kat had shrugged and said yes.

Then Jude had nodded and stared out the window while Kat watched the side of her face.

It had not looked good. Kat would have bet money that it had been the face of someone realizing that dating a famous person was, in fact, a huge pain in the ass.

Being famous wasn’t just galas and parties and fancy outfits.

It was everyone feeling like they owned a piece of her.

It was never being able to relax, because she never knew when someone might take a photo.

It was back entrances and not going to the supermarket even though she really needed that one thing, because then she’d have to pretend to be ecstatic to meet some fan who cornered her in the toothpaste aisle.

It was hiding in her house. It was chewing the insides of her cheeks until they bled against her teeth.

It was trying to juggle recovering from an eating disorder with staying fit and thin, because her entire career depended on her body. It was eyes on her all the time.

Jude didn’t deserve that. Jude was a nice, normal person with a nice, normal life, and she was probably sitting at home realizing that Kat was a wrecking ball who would crash right through that life and take all the nice, normal parts of it away.

She was probably sitting at home realizing that Kat wasn’t worth it.

Kat threw herself onto the hard leather couch in her living room. Would Jude text to explain her decision? Would she insist on one more date, so she could do the right thing and let Kat down in person? Or would Kat just never hear from her again?

Kat should let her go. She had been supposed to go on only a handful of dates with Jude before she moved on to someone famous. Now she wouldn’t have to break up with Jude. She should be relieved.

She wasn’t. Somewhere in there—was it in the diner? On that balcony, kissing over a stolen bottle of champagne?—Kat had started having fun. Real fun. Paired with real feelings.

She liked Jude. No, she like liked Jude, as if she were in junior high or something. She’d been walking around for days replaying their kiss, and the way Jude’s lips had felt on that balcony, getting a little electric shock in her stomach every time.

Jude was different from anyone else in Kat’s life. She took listening very seriously, really stopping to think about what Kat said before she responded. It made Kat feel as if what she had to say might actually be important. It made her want to talk.

Now Jude was one more thing that Kat’s career had taken from her.

Kat groaned into her hands, then got up and forced herself to do a yoga video to stretch some of the tension out of her body.

She’d already gone through her usual postdisaster procedure: updating Jocelyn on the situation, showering for half an hour to try to scrub off the memory of that woman’s grip, exercising furiously for way too long, showering again, staring at her ceiling while dissociating. The whole routine.

She tried to take deep breaths as she shifted into downward dog, but her phone lit up with a reprimand from Jocelyn: What were u doing in an old navy anyway??? V bad for ur brand!!

Kat let out a sigh that was closer to a scream.

Photos and videos of the incident were circulating the internet, and some reporter named Ned Edwards at the New York Host had already run a scathingly satirical article about it, implying that the whole thing had been a publicity stunt to try to make a clearly irrelevant actress seem relevant again.

Kat switched into a plank, even though she’d already done her designated core workout for the day. This was exactly why she needed to do whatever it took to get her career back. So she wouldn’t be a punchline in some hack’s headline.

Her phone lit up again and Kat considered throwing it across the room. But she’d already caused enough stress for Jocelyn today. She unlocked her phone without releasing from her plank.

It was a message from Jude.

Kat’s core gave out, and her knees thunked to the mat. She opened the message.

If you’re free, can I come over? I want to talk about earlier.

Apparently, Jude was an in-person breakup kind of person. Which made sense—Jude was too kind for anything else.

At least she wasn’t leaving Kat waiting. She didn’t have to spend days dreading the inevitable.

But goddamn, Kat wished they could have had more time.

With numb hands, Kat responded and went to touch up her makeup. She could at least look hot while she got broken up with. But the doorman called only a few minutes later—Jude must have already been nearby when she texted.

Kat’s throat felt tight as she waited for Jude to come up in the elevator. She would be cool and calm the whole time. She wouldn’t make a scene. She’d just accept Jude’s decision and shove any feelings way, way down.

When she opened the door, Jude gave her a hug, but it felt strained. She was holding a plastic shopping bag in one hand. They went into the living room and sat down on the couch, but on opposite ends, turning awkwardly so they could face each other.

“How are you doing?” Jude asked. She looked uncomfortable.

“Fine.”

“Really? If I were you, I’d be struggling. That was terrifying.”

Kat shrugged. If Jude was breaking up with her, she wasn’t going to share anything personal. “It’s happened before.”

“Right.” Jude shifted the bag awkwardly from hand to hand, then put it on the floor. “Well, that’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.”

She hesitated. Kat dug her teeth into the inside of her cheek, trying to resist the urge to chew. No emotion. She couldn’t let Jude see that this hurt.

Jude rubbed the heels of her palms together, like she was cold. Finally, she said, “I just wanted to say that I’m really, really sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Kat said. “Really. It couldn’t last forever, right?”

“What?” Jude said, her eyebrows hunkering down over her eyes.

“No, I’m really sorry that I forced you to go into that store.

You didn’t want to, and I pushed you. I thought you were concerned about looking cheap or something for shopping there.

You said it looked crowded in there and you weren’t sure about going in.

I should have listened. And then”—Jude shook her head, her jaw just as tight as her eyebrows now—“I was totally useless. I should have helped you more, held that woman off. But all I did was make things worse. If that employee hadn’t helped us, I don’t know. ”

Kat stared at her, waiting for the rest. The It’s not you, it’s me part.

“I’m also sorry that I didn’t realize before what your life is like,” Jude said. “You live under a microscope, and there are a lot of things you have to think about that I’ve never had to think about before. Which is on me, for not understanding that.”

Here it came. The It’s just too much, I can’t handle this. Kat sat up straighter, bracing herself.

“I promise I’ll be more thoughtful in the future,” Jude said, those earnest green-gray eyes focused directly on Kat now. “So you don’t always have to be the only one dealing with those extra pressures.”

Wait. That didn’t sound like a breakup line.

Jude reached down between her legs and picked up the plastic bag. She held it out to Kat. “I got you something,” she said, flashing a hint of that one-dimple smile.

Kat took the bag, still not quite sure what was going on. She opened it and lifted out a blue-and-white-striped T-shirt.

“I know you never got to try it on,” Jude said. “But even if it doesn’t fit, I hope it’s a reminder that you can learn to trust your gut as long as you remember to listen to it.”

Kat pressed her lips together, hoping to hide the slight tremble running through them.

“You went back to the store for it?”

“I actually went uptown to the other Old Navy. I was too scared to go back to the one downtown.”

“Jude, I…” Kat stared at the T-shirt in her hands. “I thought you were going to say you didn’t want to see me anymore.”

“What?” Jude moved closer to her on the couch and put a hand on her knee. “Why?”

“Because my life is fucked up.” Kat was horrified to discover that her voice was thick with tears. “Because it’s not all galas and glamour.”

Jude’s arms fell around her like a summer rain, warm and soft. Coating her in their protection. She pulled Kat’s head to her shoulder. Now that her face was unobserved, Kat started to cry for real. Why was she being so embarrassing? She’d known Jude for less than two weeks.

“Kat,” Jude said tenderly. “You are so worth any inconvenience your situation might bring.”

Kat heaved out one humiliating sob. Then she clamped her teeth down and forced herself to pull it together. Jude let her stay like that, hiding her face in the safety of Jude’s sweater, until her breathing slowed and calmed.

“Okay,” Kat said when she could trust her voice to come out evenly. She pulled away from Jude, standing up and turning around in a quick motion so she could wipe her eyes without Jude seeing. “Do you want tea or something?”

“Tea sounds great.”

Kat hurried into the kitchen, pressing her fingertips under her eyes in hopes of reducing any puffiness. As she turned on the electric kettle, she heard Jude come into the kitchen behind her and stop near the counter.

“Can I ask you something?” Jude said.

“Of course.”

“Why did you ask me out again, after we went to drinks? You seemed so upset when I told you I wasn’t the one who sent the DM. I thought I’d never see you again.”

Kat froze with her hand halfway toward a cupboard. “I wasn’t that upset.”

“Yes, you were. It really hurt your feelings. I could tell.”

Kat pulled out two mugs slowly, trying to buy herself a little time to think.

She should just tell Jude the truth: she’d needed a date to the gala so she could get photographed with a woman.

Maybe Jude would understand. But Kat had already lied about that at the diner.

And Jude had said she thought lies were the one thing a relationship couldn’t recover from.

The kettle clicked as it began boiling.

“How do you take your tea?” Kat asked.

“With as much honey as it can handle, usually.”

Kat paused. Madelyn used to drink her tea like that.

Kat would make fun of her for piling in honey until the liquid was almost thick.

It was one of the rare indulgences Madelyn allowed herself despite the strict diets they were both on, because she said it made her voice smooth and sweet, even during long days on set.

Kat didn’t like the taste, but she’d kept bottles of honey in her trailer for whenever Madelyn visited.

This small reminder of happier days made Kat realize how foolish it would be to tell Jude the truth. Sure, Jude seemed trustworthy—but Kat had thought that about Madelyn, too, hadn’t she? And she’d known Madelyn for four years, not two weeks.

If this story got out…Kat would be ruined. She’d be even more of a laughingstock than she already was.

Besides, Kat had already thought she was losing Jude once today. She couldn’t handle thinking that wasn’t true, only for it to happen for real a few minutes later.

“Okay, I was really mad.” Kat turned around. “But mostly because I was embarrassed that I was making it clear that I was into you and you didn’t do the same.”

There was a scene in P.R.O.M. Season 2 when Lily Carlson confesses that she’s been in love with Jackson Messier since the first time she saw him at a football game sophomore year.

Jackson had only been in one season, as a way of introducing tension into Lily’s perfect relationship with Frasier’s character, Lance, but many fans considered Jackly the best ship of the entire show.

Kat didn’t exactly make a decision to copy the script. The lines just sprung into her head, as clear as the day she’d memorized them. The words felt right in this moment somehow. They felt like hers.

Kat stepped forward, looking directly into Jude’s eyes, watching the way they widened in response.

“I asked you out again because I felt like our story wasn’t over yet.

I could tell that underneath that shy exterior”—Kat switched the words bad boy exterior for a more appropriate epithet here—“there was something else, longing to come out. From the moment I saw you, something about your soul just hooked into mine.”

Jude’s breathing had gone shallow. She leaned in toward Kat, as if she couldn’t resist the pull.

“Me too,” she whispered. “I, um. I felt the same way. When I saw you in the store.” She paused, and then repeated in a wondering tone, “Your soul just hooked into mine.” Her eyes started to shine and Kat stepped forward to kiss her, ignoring the sudden nausea that twisted through her stomach.