Page 46

Kat

A few hours after her meeting with Jocelyn, Kat let herself into Jude’s building. She had to stop halfway up the four flights of stairs and lean over the railing for a moment to sob before she could pull herself together.

She pulled her key out in front of Jude’s door, then reconsidered and knocked instead.

She expected Jude to open it and immediately hold out her arms for Kat to fall into.

She longed for the feeling of Jude’s steady body against hers, even though she knew that after the conversation they were about to have, she would never feel that embrace again.

Did that make her a bad person, that she wanted Jude to comfort her even as she was about to end things between them?

Probably. She was a bad person. She’d messed everything up, and all she wanted was to hide in Jude’s apartment forever, but she had to start listening to Jocelyn or she would ruin her career for good. If she hadn’t already.

But Jude didn’t open the door and embrace her. She didn’t open the door at all. Instead, Kat heard a tense “Come in” from inside and pushed the door open to find Jude sitting at the table, a laptop in front of her.

“Look who finally showed up,” Jude said without looking up.

“What do you mean?” Kat said, lingering uncertainly in the hallway.

“I mean that I’ve called you thirty times since last night and you never picked up.”

“I’m sorry. I just needed a little time to process.”

“Of course. And while you were processing, I guess you didn’t stop to think, ‘Hey, I left Jude alone to deal with that mess.’ Or ‘Hey, Jude’s probably freaking out about what happened right now, maybe we could talk this over together.’?”

Kat winced. Jude was right. She hadn’t thought that. She hadn’t thought about Jude at all last night. She’d only focused on the fact that she needed to get out of there as fast as she could.

Gathering her courage, Kat came inside the apartment, shut the door, then sat down on the other side of the table, facing Jude. “I didn’t think,” she said. “I’m sorry.”

“You mean you didn’t think about me, ” Jude corrected. “You just thought about yourself and what would make you look good. Like always, right?”

“Hey.” Kat’s voice broke. “Why are you acting like this?”

In response, Jude shoved her laptop across the table to Kat and then angrily stood up. She strode over to the window as Kat stared at the screen. It was a P.R.O.M. fan edit, paused halfway through.

“What is this?”

“Hit Play.”

Kat did, grimacing as a younger, overly made-up version of herself put on lipstick. Then the scene switched, and she watched herself reach for Bill Parker’s hands. I asked you to stay because —

Kat hit Pause, as if keeping Jude from hearing the rest could keep the truth from her.

As if she could fix this, when it had clearly already gone so wrong.

Her mind raced. Could she pretend she didn’t realize she’d been copying the lines?

Could she say she’d thought they were really romantic and she had always wanted to say them to someone? Could she—

“Don’t bother.” Jude had turned around and leaned against the windowsill with her arms crossed, watching Kat stare at the computer. “Whatever excuse you’re working on right now, just don’t.”

“I’m not coming up with excuses,” Kat lied. “But this isn’t what it looks like, I swear.”

“Oh yeah?” Jude said. “And what does it look like?”

Kat stayed silent, not wanting to damn herself any further.

“Last night,” Jude said, “Madelyn asked you if I knew why we’re dating. And all night, after I got home, I lay there thinking about it.”

Fuck. The horror of realizing they were being filmed had driven that moment right out of Kat’s head. She’d been too focused on the consequences for herself. Just like Jude had said.

“I didn’t want to believe it,” Jude said. “But then”—Jude gestured at the computer—“I saw this. And I started thinking. Hey, remember how weird it was that Kat asked you out again after that first date? Remember how eager Kat was to get your photo taken at that gala? ”

Kat couldn’t look at Jude. She stared at her own face, frozen on the screen, halfway through confessing her love.

“At first, I couldn’t make any sense of it.

What would Katrina Kelly, famous movie star, need from me ?

I’m nobody. But then I put it together. I mean, you told me when we went shopping that you were trying to change your style.

You’ve talked about how your manager wanted you in this play to give you a serious reputation.

You’ve been trying to change your image, and being queer is part of that, isn’t it? ”

Kat didn’t answer. Tears dripped down her face, blurring her view of herself on the screen.

Jude strode over and slammed the laptop shut, making her jump. “Isn’t it?”

Kat was afraid that if she tried to speak, she’d break down. She nodded.

Jude closed her eyes. “Jesus Christ.” Her hands balled into fists at her sides. “Was any of it real?”

Kat forced herself to speak, even though sobs started shaking her voice. “Of course it was real. It was real, Jude. I promise.”

“Getting mobbed at the Old Navy? Was that real?”

“ Yes. ” Kat stood up and walked around the table, reaching for Jude. “I would never orchestrate something like that. It was completely accidental.”

“What about those paparazzi photos of us kissing?”

Kat froze.

“Of fucking course.” Jude pushed Kat’s arms away. “I was falling in love with you, and you were lying to me the entire time.” She sat down on the couch and put her head in her hands.

Kat’s gut twisted with shame. She’d thought this morning with Jocelyn was the worst she could ever feel, but she’d been wrong. This was.

She sat down next to Jude. “It wasn’t all a lie,” she said. “My feelings are real, Jude. I’ve loved every minute I’ve spent with you. I’ve never felt this way before.”

Jude lifted her head out of her hands, her cheeks wet. “Why did you come over here today?”

“What?”

“Why did you come over? What was your plan? To apologize for not answering me last night? To tell me the truth? So we could figure out how we’re going to deal with this situation together, as a couple, since this affects both of us?”

Kat had been wrong again. She could feel worse. Every minute, she felt like she couldn’t possibly feel more small, more shameful, more selfish, but then the next minute came crashing down, a relentless wave of truth.

She couldn’t think of a lie. And she didn’t want to lie, either. Jude deserved better than that. Her shoulders shook as she tried to hold in her tears. “Jocelyn told me to…she thinks…she’s worried this relationship is distracting me.”

Jude laughed. A cold, bitter laugh. “Right. Jocelyn wants you to break up with me. So here you are.”

“I don’t want to end things,” Kat said. A sob hiccupped out of her throat.

“I really like you, Jude. I’ve been so happy with you these past two months.

But she’s been my manager for thirteen years.

And she’s right. I’ve been distracted lately.

I’ve been letting my feelings get in the way of my career.

I haven’t been in the right headspace and I’ve been making all these mistakes and—”

“Do you even hear yourself right now?” Jude said, incredulously. “Are you actually this selfish?”

“I’m not trying to be selfish. My feelings for you are real, but—”

“Please. The only thing you feel is ambition.”

Kat scoffed, some of her shame melting away to anger.

“You think I don’t feel things?” she said.

“Do you know why Jocelyn wants me to end things between us? Before I met you, I had a plan. I was going to fix my career. And then you showed up and started asking me all these questions. Encouraging me to trust my gut and think about what I really want and all of this touchy-feely bullshit. And suddenly I can’t do anything I used to be able to do!

Suddenly, I feel things all the fucking time.

I overthink my answers in interviews. I feel guilty every time I write a fake caption on Instagram.

I can’t put up with asshole directors anymore.

I’m anxious or upset or mad constantly, and it’s destroying everything. ”

“Are you kidding me?” Jude said. “You’re trying to blame me for that? Instead of blaming your fucked-up childhood that encouraged you to suppress everything so you could be a perfect movie star robot?”

“I was fine until you came along!”

Jude’s mouth had become a twisted, cruel shape.

“You were miserable. You had no idea who you were and literally no one to talk to. You have no friends. You don’t talk to your family.

Have you ever realized how empty your life is?

Maybe you care so much about your career because you have nothing else. ”

An ice pick to the chest might have hurt less. Kat’s mouth fell open. A look of shame crossed Jude’s face for a moment, but then she shoved it away, her expression frosting back over.

“Fine,” Kat spat. “If I’m just a selfish movie star robot, then I guess you don’t need me in your life.”

Jude’s mouth spasmed, but she pressed it back into a tight line. “You’re right,” she said. “I don’t.” Her voice was cold. “Enjoy the rest of your life, Kat. I’m sure you’ll be very famous.”

Kat stared at her cracked expression, desperate to see some glimmer of the real Jude there. But Jude turned away.

Kat waited a few more seconds. Then she turned around and fled.