Page 8

Natalie

There’s no milk.

Or bread. Natalie closes the fridge door and rests her forehead against it.

She’s going to have to go out and get some, despite the dragging exhaustion nagging at her very bones.

The temptation to ask Eve to drop some groceries over after her last client leaves is strong, but Natalie bats the thought away before it can fully form.

She can’t ask Eve to pitch in again.

Just yesterday Eve had very kindly collected, and then dropped off, Zadie’s refill for her inhaler, even though she must have been busy.

Natalie yanks the fridge door open again and surveys the contents with a critical eye.

There might be no milk, but there is, however, a ginger shot in the bottom of the fridge, promising revitalisation and an energy boost. Natalie twists off the cap and necks it in one, her face twisting at the fiery taste.

Maybe that will give her the oomph she needs to get out to the supermarket.

Erin squirms in her bouncy chair, gurgling as Natalie leans over her.

‘Hello, you,’ she says, holding out a finger that Erin reaches for and grips in an iron fist. The baby pulls, yanking Natalie’s finger towards her mouth.

‘Hey, missy! That’s not your lunch.

’ Natalie blows a raspberry, her mood lifting, suddenly sure the ginger shot is working its magic.

Erin startles at the noise before she erupts into a smile, her eyes never leaving Natalie’s face.

‘Oh.’ Natalie presses her free hand to her mouth, her heart filling her chest. ‘Thank you, beautiful girl.’ She frees her finger and pulls off the blanket covering Erin’s lap, spotting a damp patch at the top of her thigh where her nappy has leaked.

‘Come on, baby,’ she says, scooping up Erin before she can launch into that ear-splitting wail that makes Natalie’s skin shrivel.

‘We need to go shopping.’ She carries Erin upstairs, laying her gently on the changing table before pulling the drawer open for a fresh outfit.

‘What the …?’ Natalie pauses, staring down into the drawer that holds Erin’s tiny sleepsuits.

Instead of the hastily folded outfits thrown into the space, every outfit is neatly folded, rolled and placed in colour co-ordinated rows.

Eve . It has to have been Eve that did this.

Pete would never do something this organised, and as for Emily …

Natalie’s lucky if Emily is even speaking to her these days.

She pulls out a clean sleepsuit and begins to stuff Erin’s legs into it, but she can’t stop thinking about the rows of neat outfits.

Something about it makes her feel oddly displaced – off-kilter.

There is something weirdly unsettling about the regimented way they are lined up in the drawer, so at odds with the rest of their chaotic household.

It makes Natalie feel as if she is an intruder, living someone else’s life.

Once Erin is clean and dry, Natalie turns her attention to her own appearance.

She washed her hair yesterday, but she looks pale and drawn, and she pulls out the make-up bag on top of the dresser.

‘How about some lipstick?’ she says to Erin.

‘Maybe Mummy should try and look pretty for a visit to the shops.’ She opens a MAC lipstick in a nude pink, but the end has been mashed into the lid, rendering it unusable.

She throws it back into the make-up bag, swapping it for a Glossier lipstick called Fuzz, but when she slides the lid off, that, too, is squashed and ruined.

‘ Zadie ,’ she sighs, tears pricking her eyes.

She just wanted to look nice, for the first time in months, but Zadie’s obsession with make-up has scuppered that plan.

‘It’s only the supermarket anyway,’ she says as she picks Erin up out of the cot, blinking rapidly.

Erin offers up another of those rare gummy smiles and Natalie grins back, her tears drying up.

When Erin smiles at her like that, things don’t seem half as bad.

Natalie realises as she pulls into the car park of the supermarket and wrestles Erin into the baby seat of the shopping trolley that she has not timed this trip particularly well.

Erin begins to grizzle as she enters the supermarket, the sound sparking a flicker of anxiety in Natalie’s veins.

She’s due a feed, and Natalie could kick herself for not realising.

By the time Natalie reaches the chilled section Erin is wailing at her highest volume, her legs scrunching into her belly as her face turns an alarming shade of purple.

Natalie’s thoughts feel scattered and fragmented as she scans the shelves looking for semi-skimmed milk, but all she can see is full-cream, and that makes Zadie sick.

Erin’s shrieks pierce her eardrums, and she feels as if someone is raking their fingernails over her exposed nerve endings.

‘Excuse me?’ An older lady taps Natalie on the arm as she finally spots the right milk and snatches up two cartons, throwing them into the trolley.

‘Yes?’ Please don’t ask me for help , Natalie thinks desperately.

Please just let me get out of here.

‘Can’t you shut that child up?

’

Natalie feels as if someone has punched her in her solar plexus.

‘ What? ’

‘Can’t you stop that baby crying?

You are her mother, aren’t you?

Surely you can stop her screaming like that.

Some of us are trying to shop in peace.

’

There is a moment in her head where Natalie sees herself shove the trolley into the woman’s belly, sending her sprawling into the fridge, icy cold milk cartons bursting all over her perfect helmet of lacquered hair.

I’m going mad , she thinks as Erin screams on, and she turns on her heel, hurrying towards the till before she does something she regrets.

Fuck the bread. She’s not hungry anyway.

At the till the young lad scans her shopping, as Natalie frantically tries to stop her racing pulse.

Erin has cried herself to gasps and whimpers, and to Natalie’s horror she feels herself join her as a sob erupts from her throat.

‘Are you … OK?’ The checkout assistant asks.

He looks terrified. To Natalie’s horror she realises she recognises him; she thinks he used to be in Emily’s class at school.

Natalie nods, averting her gaze as tears drip off her chin, her cheeks burning.

‘The baby was crying,’ she says.

‘An old lady was quite rude to me.’

The boy just nods and hands over her change, clearly at a loss as to what to say.

Natalie pushes the trolley hastily towards the exit before Erin can start wailing again.

She makes no attempt to stop the tears pouring in a constant stream from her eyes, and as she passes the old woman at the self-checkout, their eyes meeting over the till screen, Natalie looks away first.

‘Natalie?’ Eve’s voice rings through the shriek of Erin’s cries, and Natalie lifts her head from where she sits at the kitchen table, hands over her eyes.

She hadn’t even heard the doorbell ring, so Eve must have let herself in.

‘Nat, are you OK?’ Eve moves through the kitchen, giving Natalie a concerned glance from where she stoops to lift Erin from her bouncy chair.

‘Shush, good girl. Shhhhh.’

‘I’m fine.

’ Natalie swipes at her eyes, aware that there is a stain on her T-shirt, and a ripe smell emitting from her armpits.

Did I shower today? She can’t remember.

‘You don’t look fine.

’ Eve bounces a still-wailing Erin in her arms. ‘This one’s hungry.

Have you got a bottle?

’

Natalie runs her eyes over the kitchen worktop: the dirty breakfast dishes, Zadie’s Shreddies dried on and stiff; the empty bread wrapper; the greasy smear of butter glistening in the puddle of afternoon sunlight that hits the side.

Six bottles sit on the draining board, every one of them lined with old milk.

‘I need to wash some up. Hang on.’

‘I’ll do it.

’ Eve hands Erin to Natalie, the baby stiff and angry as she screams in Natalie’s ear.

Eve washes up a bottle and sterilises it with boiling water, before efficiently making up the milk and handing it to Natalie.

In the silence that follows, Eve turns to the dishwasher, opening it to find clean dishes, and starts unloading it.

‘I sent you a couple of texts,’ Eve says as she puts clean glasses in the top cupboard, ‘but you didn’t reply so I thought I’d pop in and see how you’re getting on.

I’m glad I did now.’

Natalie vaguely remembers texts coming through, but she’d still been upset over the encounter at the supermarket, and she was going to reply later.

She must have forgotten.

‘Don’t you have clients this afternoon, though?

’

‘It’s OK. I’ve just …

rescheduled a few things.

Cancelled a couple of appointments.

’

‘Eve, you shouldn’t do that.

Don’t you only get paid if you actually see the client?

’

‘Honestly, Nat? It’s one afternoon.

I think you’re more important right now, and it’s not like Pete’s here to look after you.

So, what’s happened to get you in this state?

’

Something prickles along the nape of Natalie’s neck at the idea of Eve cancelling work for her, but she brushes it away.

‘I’m OK, really. I just need to …

’ Natalie waves a hand in the direction of the bomb-site that is her kitchen.

Zadie’s left her PE kit on the floor, Emily’s shoes are jumbled in a heap by the back door, and Natalie doesn’t even know when anyone last opened the post. Plus, the bin needs emptying.

‘Where’s Zadie?’

‘After school club. She’ll be home at five.

Stu’s dropping her off on his way home from picking up Lola.

’ Natalie glances at the clock.

It’s 4.15 now.

Eve loads the dirty dishes and then turns to Natalie, wiping her hands on a tea towel.

‘How are you really, Nat? Don’t tell me fine , because I won’t believe you.

’

‘It’s been a bit of a shit day.

’ Natalie’s eyes fill with tears.

‘I’m just … so tired,’ she says, as Erin twists her head away from the now empty bottle.

‘Erin doesn’t sleep, at all.

She keeps me up half the night; it feels like the moment I lie down she wakes up again.

Pete is up and out of the house at five o’clock every morning, and he’s not been getting home until after Zadie’s gone to bed.

’

‘Have you tried getting out of the house?’ Eve asks gently.

‘Getting some fresh air, maybe meeting up with some other new mums?’

Natalie lets out a harsh bark of laughter that jolts Erin, who lets out a cry.

‘I tried going to the supermarket earlier and even that turned into a nightmare.’ Natalie recounts the tale of the awful old lady at the milk fridge.

Eve holds out her arms and Natalie lays a crying Erin in them, taking the packet of tissues Eve has laid on the table and wiping her eyes.

‘Every baby is different, Nat, you know that. And that old lady … She’s probably forgotten what it was like to have a young baby.

’

‘But she hates me, Eve. My own baby hates me.’ Natalie’s throat thickens and she has to force the words out.

‘She cries all the time from the moment I pick her up. She won’t feed from me, she only wants a bottle.

’

‘She can probably feel you’re tense,’ Eve suggests, as Erin drops off in her arms. She lays her gently back in her bouncy chair and then moves to the fridge, pulling out cheese, garlic, tomatoes and pasta and starting to chop.

‘I don’t know how to feel any other way when she just screams twenty-four hours a day,’ Natalie says.

‘Zadie keeps wetting the bed, so I’m up half the night with her, if Erin does actually sleep.

Pete keeps giving her juice with her dinner, and then he sleeps right through all the commotion – I think he’s woken up once.

Add into that, Zadie is refusing to eat anything I put in front of her.

I’m just … sick of them all.

’ The words come out in a rush tinged with tears, and Natalie has no choice but to let out the sob that is threatening to strangle her.

All she’s done since she got home is cry.

‘Oh, love.’ Eve shakes pasta into a pot of boiling water and then pulls Natalie into a hug, letting her cry until there is nothing left.

‘Have you thought about seeing the GP?’

‘The GP? What for?’ Natalie frowns.

‘I’m not depressed , Eve.

I’m just exhausted.’

‘I’m not saying you’re depressed, but if you speak to the GP he might be able to help.

Give you some advice on getting Erin to sleep, or suggest some support groups or something.

’ The air fills with the delicious scent of garlic as Eve throws the chopped vegetables into the pan and comes to sit beside Natalie, taking her hands in hers.

‘I don’t need to see the GP.

’

‘Darl, it’s not a sign of weakness.

You’re a new mum – take all the help you can get!

No one’s going to judge you—’

‘Mum! I’m back!

’ Zadie’s voice rings out from the hallway, and then she bustles into the kitchen, her backpack almost as big as she is.

‘Aunty Eve! Yay!’ Zadie throws herself into Eve’s arms, as Natalie frantically shushes her so she doesn’t wake the baby.

‘I hope you’re hungry, madam,’ Eve says with a laugh as she spins Zadie around the now spotlessly clean kitchen.

‘ Starving ,’ Zadie says, grinning to reveal a missing front tooth as Eve deposits her on a kitchen chair.

‘I hope you’re going to be able to eat this big bowl of pasta with no teeth ,’ Eve teases as she drains the pasta and stirs it into the tomato sauce.

‘The tooth fairy was meant to bring me a pound last night, but she was on holiday,’ Zadie says, sticking her tongue on the gap.

Shit . Natalie forgot all about it.

‘She’ll come tonight.

Apparently it rained in Spain so she came home.

’ Eve winks. Zadie giggles and Natalie watches with a knot of hard, green envy in her stomach as Zadie pounces on the bowl of pasta Eve hands her and proceeds to eat every bite.

When she’s done, Eve clears the plates and Natalie walks her to the front door, already dreading the moment she leaves.

‘Listen, I’m not trying to interfere, but just think about it, OK?

’ Eve says, as she steps out on to the front path.

‘Even if you just make an appointment and talk, get things off your chest, it might help. And tell Pete to fucking step up. There shouldn’t be anything more important to him than you.

’

‘OK. I’ll think about it.

’

‘Nat, you’ve got a beautiful family in there – you are so, so lucky to have them all.

I don’t want to see things fall apart for you.

Promise me, you’ll make an appointment.

’

‘Sure.’ Natalie wants Eve to go now.

It’s not fair of her, saying things like that and making Natalie feel guilty for having a family, and she seems to have taken against Pete more than usual lately.

It’s not Natalie’s fault Eve can’t have children, and she listened to her before, when Eve said she shouldn’t have an abortion.

Eve kisses her cheek and walks away.

Natalie closes the door before she even reaches the end of the path.

After Eve has left, Natalie baths Erin and feeds her, and as she moves to the bedroom window to close the curtains, Erin begins to cry again.

Desperately, Natalie grips the fabric of the curtains as she stares out on to the woods below.

The trees shake and twist in the wind, as if being bent by the force of Erin’s screams, and Natalie has a horrible sense of déjà vu.

She thinks about the nightmare she’s been having on repeat ever since Erin was born, where the doctor can’t stop the bleeding in the delivery room, of the way it makes her feel as though she’s fading away to nothing, leaving behind a soulless husk.

I don’t know how much longer I can do this for , she thinks.

She doesn’t know what she’ll do if Erin doesn’t stop crying.