Page 6

Natalie

Natalie has been in hospital for a week, thanks to an infection after her emergency operation, and she’s sick of it.

She’s sick of staring at the same curtain surrounding her bed on the ward.

Sick of the same beeps of machinery and rumble of trolleys, the same saccharin-sweet tones of the nurses, the same faintly antiseptic smell on the air.

Sick of the pain in her abdomen every time she holds Erin, or tries to walk, or does anything, quite frankly.

It has become quite clear in the few days since Erin’s birth that Erin is a poor sleeper.

Natalie is exhausted, and as she peers into the cot now, she feels an undeniable frisson of terror as Erin stirs.

‘No, no, shhhh.’ Natalie cautiously backs away, wincing as she manoeuvres herself back onto the bed.

Several women and their babies have come and gone on the ward since the night of Erin’s birth.

One woman – according to the story she told a weary Natalie, anyway – fired her baby out of her womb in minutes without a single drug.

Another, a woman in the bed next to Natalie, had had twins and when she arrived, Natalie thought she recognised a kindred spirit in the woman’s exhausted face.

She imagined them whisper-chatting together over their feeding babies’ heads in the gloom of the early hours, comparing birth stories and sleep tips.

But, it turned out, the twins slept wonderfully, waking only to feed.

Natalie felt even more exhausted as she frantically tried to hush Erin before she could wake the sleeping twin boys, before, to her relief, the woman was discharged after only two nights.

Now, the doors to the ward creak open and she looks up, glad she’s pulled back her privacy curtain.

Visiting hours start at eleven o’clock, and while she knows the girls won’t be there today, she’s been expecting Pete.

Her eyes go to the clock on the wall.

It’s almost three o’clock now.

She feels starved of conversation, the nurses too busy to chat and the other new mums only wanting advice once they find out Erin is her third baby.

This interest in her wanes when Erin begins to cry and it becomes painfully obvious to the other mothers that Natalie clearly doesn’t have any idea what to do with her screaming child.

It isn’t Pete who enters the ward.

Instead, it’s the family of the woman in the bed opposite her: kids, her husband and what look like her parents, bearing flowers and balloons.

They are noisy and overbearing, and Natalie casts another anxious glance towards the plastic cot as Erin screws her face up.

Natalie heaves herself off the bed on shaky legs, wishing it wasn’t another two hours until her next shot of pain relief as she awkwardly lifts Erin, who begins to wail – a deafening, piercing cry.

‘OK, shh, shh,’ Natalie soothes, feeling utterly useless as she latches Erin on for the third time in less than two hours, her cracked nipple on fire as Erin begins to feed.

Her scalp prickles as she hears the woman in the opposite bed tell her family, ‘That baby has cried all night ,’ in a muted tone that isn’t quite quiet enough.

Natalie feels her cheeks burn as Erin twists her head away, fed but still furious.

Natalie puts her on her shoulder, patting her back, and squeezes her eyes closed, hoping against all hope that Erin will let out an almighty burp and then please, please stop crying.

‘Hey, you. Someone’s a cross little monkey.

’

Natalie’s eyes ping open and there is a rush of relief through her veins as Eve leans in and gives Natalie a kiss, before holding out her arms. ‘Do you want me to take her?’

‘Yes please.’ Natalie feels inordinately grateful as Eve takes Erin and begins to wind her.

‘She cried all night and that woman across the way there is pissed off about it, by all accounts.’

‘What a miserable cow .’ Eve raises her voice and Natalie stifles a giggle, before pressing a hand to her belly.

It feels good to laugh, but by God, it’s painful.

‘How are you feeling?’

‘Oh, you know.’ Despite her breezy tone, Natalie can’t stop the tears that spring to her eyes, and Eve knows her well enough to not let them go unnoticed.

‘Oh, sweetie.’ Eve shifts closer to her, propping Erin on one arm in a deft manoeuvre.

‘Is it baby blues? You’ve been stuck in here for ages.

’

Natalie sniffs, swiping her hand over her damp cheek.

‘Everything just feels a bit … big ,’ she says, quietly.

‘Overwhelming, you know. I thought I was going to come in, pop out a baby and be home for New Year, and instead …’ Natalie has to swallow, the words getting stuck behind the lump in her throat.

‘Instead I had a hysterectomy . They took everything, Eve. I couldn’t have another baby now even if I wanted one.

’ This wasn’t what I signed up for , Natalie thinks, as Eve wraps her free arm around her shoulder.

She wanted a baby, not for half her insides – and the ability to have any more children – to be taken from her.

‘I get it,’ Eve soothes, pressing a kiss to Natalie’s sweaty hairline.

‘You know I understand. But I’m here for you, OK?

If you want to talk about anything at all, even if it’s just to rage.

Your hormones are going to be all over the place for a bit, I should imagine.

’

‘Thank you.’

‘I mean it.’ Eve holds Natalie’s gaze intently.

‘I didn’t have anyone to talk to when I …

Well, when I was in a similar situation, and I don’t want you to ever feel as lonely as I did then.

’ She nudges Natalie, breaking the tension in the air, as Erin stirs in her arms. ‘Now, how long before you can bust this joint?’

‘Hopefully any day now. They think they caught the infection in time, and I do feel much better, even if I am still sore. I can’t wait to get home.

’ Natalie pauses for a moment as she tries to figure out what day it is.

‘Oh shit, it’s Wednesday!

I need to text Pete and make sure the girls got off to school all right this morning.

He is coming in to see us today, but he’s got a few things he needs to sort out first.’ Natalie reaches for her phone, as Erin lets out an almighty burp.

‘There we go!’ Eve laughs, as Erin sighs against her shoulder.

‘No need to text Pete, I can confirm everything is under control. I even ironed Zadie’s uniform for the week …

you know how I feel about ironing.

’

Natalie feels oddly weepy, the bridge of her nose fizzing.

‘Oh God, Eve, you are an angel. I don’t know what I’d do without you.

’

‘Don’t be silly.

’ Eve looks bashful as she adjusts Erin in her arms. Erin is actually sleeping , and Natalie feels her heart swell.

Look at those eyelashes, resting on her cheeks.

How could she have ever thought there was something wrong with her baby?

‘I should probably let you get back to work,’ Natalie says, with a twinge of regret.

‘I know you’ve got clients coming out of your ears.

’ Natalie has always felt a little envious of Eve, since she retrained to be a counsellor.

Natalie wishes she felt as passionately about the charity as Eve does about her clients, although now she thinks about it, she wonders if Eve’s workaholic attitude is a way of filling the void left by her empty womb.

‘I cancelled my clients this afternoon,’ Eve says.

‘I wanted to make sure I didn’t have to rush back, just in case you needed the company.

’ She wears a look of satisfaction that Natalie doesn’t quite understand.

‘You haven’t checked your WhatsApp today, have you?

’

Natalie shakes her head.

‘The hospital WiFi is terrible,’ she says as she lifts her phone, scrolling to the app.

Eve watches as Natalie opens the message she sent her first thing this morning.

‘Eve? What is this?’ Natalie raises her eyes from the photo of the travel system to Eve’s face.

‘Did you …? You didn’t?

’

‘I did. I wanted to. I’m surprised Pete didn’t call and tell you,’ Eve says.

‘Pete knows?’ Natalie’s heart stutters in her chest. She knows how Pete feels about Eve: knows that he finds her interfering and intense; that he thinks Eve uses her emotions to manipulateNatalie.

‘Of course. I took it over there this morning. He was surprised, but pleased, I think. I thought he would have been in to see you by now, seeing as he didn’t have to go to town after all.

’

‘It’s too much, Eve.

’ Natalie’s mind races as she alternates between wondering what Pete’s reaction really was, to imagining Erin lying peacefully in the pram, before briefly wondering where Pete is, if he didn’t have to go into town.

‘We can’t accept it.

’

‘Oh God, not you, too,’ Eve teases.

‘I’ve already had this conversation with Pete.

’

Natalie dreads to think what Pete’s response was to Eve – what biting comment he made, dressed up as something milder.

‘It’s just … It’s a big purchase, Eve.

It’s the kind of thing the baby’s parents should be buying.

’

There is the briefest flash of something that could be hurt across Eve’s face as she gets to her feet, gently laying Erin in her cot.

Erin purses her mouth for a moment, but thankfully stays silent.

‘Why don’t you two have a chat about it when you get home?

You need something to bring Erin home in, so it’ll do for now.

If you change your minds, then I’ll return it, no problem.

’ Eve keeps her eyes on the cot as she speaks, tucking the little blanket around Erin’s body.

‘You’re sure?’ Natalie feels weepy again, her throat constricting.

‘It’s not that I’m not grateful, I just—’

‘Don’t be daft.

I know you’re grateful.

Listen, darling, I’ve just remembered I have a stack of paperwork to get done before the morning, but you’ll be OK, I promise.

Text me if they say you can come home tomorrow, and absolutely let me know if you need anything at all .

’ Eve swoops down and hugs her, leaving the heavy scent of her perfume on Natalie’s skin, as she holds on a little too tightly, for a little too long, reluctant to let Eve go and find herself alone in this claustrophobic ward again.

‘I mean it. Text me any time. You know I’d do absolutely anything for you. ’