Page 35

Natalie

Natalie pulls her cardigan tighter around her body, as she sits on the hard plastic chair in the waiting room.

Despite the hot stuffiness of the hospital, she just can’t seem to get warm, and she wishes Pete was here before she remembers what he has done, and then she thinks she doesn’t want Pete to come near her ever again.

No one has been in yet to tell her how Erin is doing, and she glances at the clock on the wall for the hundredth time.

The remains of the diazepam have worn off and now Natalie feels as if every nerve ending is exposed, the thought of Erin not making it home unbearable.

Pete still isn’t back from wherever DI Travis took him to, and the police officer who was supposed to wait with her has gone off in search of a hot chocolate in the hopes it will warm Natalie up.

Alone, Natalie runs through the evening over and over in her head, frustrated by the patchiness in her memory.

She remembers hissing at Pete, the stabbing pain in her gut as Vanessa gleefully told her she was sleeping with him, the way Eve’s face had crumpled as she told her she was interfering and overbearing.

Then everything falls away, fuzzy and indistinct, as if someone has drawn a veil over the evening until the moment Emily appeared to tell them that Erin wasn’t in her cot.

I can’t sit here. I can’t just sit and wait, I need to see Erin.

A desperate urge claws at Natalie’s insides, the primal instinct to be with her baby overriding every instruction given to her by the nurse, the police and Pete to wait here.

She gets to her feet and hurries out of the waiting room, following the ICU signs until she reaches the room Erin is in.

Pressing down on the handle, Natalie exhales as the door slides open, and she tiptoes across the room to the tiny plastic cot where Erin lies.

Her baby is unrecognisable.

That’s the first thought she has, her heart filling her chest to the point that she feels she can’t breathe.

She wants to reach out a hand, to feel Erin’s tight grip around her finger, but she’s too afraid, scared she’ll shatter into a million pieces if Erin doesn’t respond.

Tubes snake out of Erin’s throat, pushing her tiny chest up and down as she struggles to breathe, a rhythmic beeping telling Natalie that this machine is the one keeping her daughter alive.

Her skin is waxy and white, not the pink flush she usually carries on her cheeks, or the furious red of her angry wailing.

Natalie has a pain in her sternum that surely must be her heart breaking.

How could she have thought for one minute that Erin was a mistake?

How could she ever have thought that life would have been better without her in it?

Now, the idea of Erin not coming home makes Natalie want to scream and cry, to bargain with the devil, do anything for her baby to be all right.

I need answers. As the door swings open, Natalie turns to see a nurse entering Erin’s room.

‘Please. I need to know what’s happening with Erin.

Is she going to wake up?

Why isn’t she awake?

’ Her hands knot together as the nurse stops and shakes her head.

‘Mrs Maxwell, I’m sorry, you can’t be in here.

Please, you need to go back to the waiting room.

Someone will be along to see you just as soon as they can.

’

‘I want to be with my daughter.’ The words are almost a shriek, tinged with pain and anguish as Natalie stands firm, her hand reaching out to grip the edge of the plastic cot.

‘I understand that, but Erin is about to be taken down for some tests. Doctors are going to give her a quick ultrasound, and then we’ll come and find you, I promise.

’ The nurse tries to reassure her, but Natalie can hear the clipped, tense edge to her voice, and she notices the nurse already has her hands on Erin’s cot, ready to wheel the plastic bed down to the right department.

Natalie nods, feeling deflated, her hand dropping back to her side.

Of course, she has to let them do whatever they need to do for Erin, to make sure she’s OK.

Watching as the nurse wheels Erin into the lift, Natalie waits until the doors close before she heads back to the waiting room, feeling empty without Erin beside her.

If you’d asked her a few days ago what was the best thing anyone could have given her, Natalie would have said an hour away from the baby.

Now, all she wants is Erin in her arms.

Another half an hour passes and, just as she is about to get to her feet and go looking for a doctor, a nurse – for anyone who can tell her anything about what is happening with Erin – the waiting room door creaks open.

Natalie stands so quickly that for a moment she is light-headed, and she has to blink to refocus, as the chair behind her hits the wall.

‘Oh. It’s you.’ She sags back down into the chair as Eve enters the room, her hands filled with an overstuffed carrier bag, Erin’s changing bag hanging from her shoulder.

‘Have you heard anything?’ Eve’s voice is hushed as the heavy door swings closed, shutting out the beeps of machines and hurried footsteps as hospital staff move between wards.

‘No. Not yet.’ Natalie looks up at her friend, trying to read the look on her face.

She knows the words she said to Eve at the party were vicious, but Eve doesn’t seem to have let them affect her at all.

‘Why are you here? I thought you were staying at the house with Zadie. That’s what the police told me.

You haven’t left her alone, have you?

’ Even as she says it, she knows Eve would never do that.

She was horrified when Natalie told her she’d left Zadie in bed asleep once to pop to the shop.

‘There’s a family liaison officer there,’ Eve says.

‘She said I should go, and Emily agreed with her.’ Natalie’s not sure, but she thinks there might be a bit of bitterness to Eve’s tone.

Maybe the things Natalie said to her didn’t just slide off like water from a duck’s back.

‘Emily wanted to try and get Zadie to bed for a little while. The poor thing is exhausted, and it’s long past her bedtime.

’

Natalie glances again at the clock, actually taking it in this time.

It’s almost one o’clock in the morning.

‘How are you, Nat?’ Eve’s face is full of concern, and Natalie can’t help it; the spark of irritation she’s felt towards Eve over the past few weeks has ignited into a full-blown flame that she can’t seem to extinguish.

‘How do you think I am, Eve?’ Natalie stands, not wanting Eve looming over her.

‘My baby was taken from her cot in the middle of the night, dumped in the woods and right now I don’t even know if she’s going to make it, so how the bloody hell do you think I feel?

’

Eve’s mouth drops open, and for a moment nothing comes out, and then she says, ‘I’m sorry, Natalie.

Of course you’re all over the place.

I don’t know what I was thinking.

’ She slides the changing bag off her shoulder and tucks it on the empty chair beside Natalie, and then holds out the carrier bag in her hands.

‘I brought a few things for Erin.’

Natalie takes the carrier bag and peers inside.

‘I brought her dummy, I know she struggles to get off to sleep without it,’ Eve says.

‘And a fresh change of clothes and a clean blanket. I took one out of the airing cupboard, because Erin’s usual blanket …

’ She trails off. Erin’s usual blanket was tucked around her tiny body in the woods.

‘And the changing bag …’ She gestures vaguely towards the chair.

‘I filled it with wipes and nappies, and I made up a few bottles, just in case. I know they probably have milk here, but—’

‘Thanks.’ Natalie knows she’s being short with Eve, knows she should at least try and show some gratitude, even if it is fake, but she can’t.

She should have been the one to put Erin’s things in a bag, to make up fresh bottles so she doesn’t get hungry, but she hadn’t even thought about it.

She’d just blindly followed the police officer out to the car.

Eve moves awkwardly to the chair beside Natalie and lowers herself into it.

‘Do the police have any idea who could have donethis?’

Suddenly exhausted, Natalie pulls Erin’s spare blanket from the bag and sits in the chair next to Eve, pressing the soft fabric to her face.

If she breathes in and closes her eyes she can still smell Erin on it, under the floral scent of fabric softener.

‘I don’t know.’

‘Well’, Eve persists, ‘do they know who the last person was to see Erin before she disappeared?’ She pauses, frowning.

‘I mean, it’s difficult, isn’t it?

It was a party, after all.

Did any of the guests see anyone else go upstairs after …

you put Erin to bed?

’ The memory of their brief argument seems to bring a hint of colour to Eve’s cheeks as she stumbles over the words.

‘Me. I was the last one to see her,’ Natalie says.

‘At least I’m assuming it was me, I was the one who fed her and put her down, after all.

’ She shakes away the gap in the evening, the missing stretch of time where she’s not too sure where she was or what she was doing.

‘Gosh.’ Eve’s eyes widen.

‘The FLO said the baby monitor was out of charge.’

‘Yep.’ The word is like a chip of ice.

‘It seems no one – I – didn’t realise, given everything else going on at the time.

’

Eve looks as if she wants to respond, but clamps her mouth closed, the two women sitting in silence until the police officer returns with a cup of lukewarm hot chocolate for Natalie.

‘Did you see the doctor out there?’ Natalie asks, aware of the desperation in her voice.

The police officer shakes his head and perches on the chair in the far corner of the room, as if to be as unobtrusive as possible.

‘It’s unbelievable, isn’t it?

’ Eve shakes her head, tears spilling over and beginning to run down her cheeks.

‘That someone could do something so awful to a little baby like this.’

‘Yes, it is.’ Natalie wonders if she should comfort Eve, but shouldn’t it be the other way round?

‘I just honestly can’t believe it.

Erin is so precious.

Such a tiny, precious little thing.

She’s such a good baby.

The very idea someone could sneak into her room without being noticed and just steal her away like that …

’

Natalie feels that familiar prickle, the needles that dig under her skin when Eve says things like this, hints at things like this.

‘What are you saying, Eve?’

‘Nothing. Nothing.’ Eve shakes her head again.

‘I just find it so shocking this has even happened. When the house was full of people, someone just … Who could do something like this, something this evil, knowing they risked her life? She’s a baby , for goodness’ sakes.

How did nobody see what was happening?

’

‘Someone did do it, though, didn’t they?

’ Natalie says. What is Eve saying?

That I am a terrible mother?

That I should have seen what happened?

That Pete is somehow responsible, seeing as he never wanted Erin in the first place?

‘And maybe that’s my fault for not charging the monitor, maybe it’s Pete’s fault for wanting to host this fucking party in the first place.

Maybe …’ Her voice breaks.

‘I don’t know, Eve. I don’t know how someone could have gone upstairs and taken my baby without anyone noticing.

’

‘What about Pete?’ Eve asks, her voice barely above a whisper.

‘What about him?’ Natalie snaps.

She hopes Eve doesn’t know about Vanessa – not yet.

Natalie isn’t ready to talk about that, and certainly not with a police officer in the room.

‘Do you know …? Do you actually know where Pete was when they found out Erin was missing?’

‘He was with me and Zadie, we had just cut Emily’s birthday cake.

’

‘I mean … before. Not when they found her missing. Where was he when she actually disappeared? People were saying no one saw him for a while before they realised Erin was gone.’ Eve looks down at the bag at her feet, unwilling to meet Natalie’s eyes.

The air seems to go out of the room, and Natalie pauses, trying to draw a breath as she glances in the direction of the police officer.

He is looking down at his hands, picking something out from under his nail, and doesn’t appear to be listening.

‘What the fuck is that supposed to mean?’ Natalie hisses, two angry red dots burning their way on to her cheeks.

All of a sudden she feels incredibly warm, and she throws off the cardigan.

‘Nothing,’ Eve says, her voice low.

‘I didn’t mean anything by it, but they’re going to ask you that question, Nat.

Whether you want to admit it or not, things have been tough at home, and having Erin has affected yours and Pete’s relationship.

’ She pauses, fixing her sharp blue eyes on Natalie.

‘Natalie, you have to be honest with yourself. Pete never wanted Erin in the first place.’

The anger that washes over Natalie is almost cleansing, as it strips away any last vestiges of fuzziness from the diazepam, leaving her clear-headed and absolutely furious.

‘Are you kidding me?’ Her voice rises to a screech and the police officer looks up from his nails.

‘Are you actually going to accuse Pete? I know you hate him, but for fuck’s sake, Eve.

’

‘Natalie, I’m just asking the question the police are going to want answered, that’s all.

’ Eve is on her feet too, now, and for a brief dizzying moment, Natalie can picture herself wrapping her hands around Eve’s throat, choking her into silence.

‘I can’t believe you.

The nerve … The audacity of you.

’

‘Nat, I’m worried—’

‘You don’t need to be worried about me,’ Natalie snorts.

‘Thanks for bringing Erin’s things, but you didn’t need to, I could have got Stu and Mari to do that.

’ She knows those words will sting Eve, wound her like tiny darts.

Eve has always been jealous of Stu and Mari, of the years of shared history they all have together without Eve.

‘I think it’s time you left.

’

‘Natalie, please, I want to make sure Erin is OK.’

As Natalie turns on Eve, the police officer gets to his feet, reaching out to gently tug her away from the woman she thought was her friend.

‘Erin is not your concern,’ Natalie says, her voice dangerously quiet now.

‘None of us are your concern.’

‘OK. OK, I’ll leave.

’ As if sensing that Natalie is teetering on the edge, Eve gets to her feet, tucking her phone into her pocket.

Natalie watches her move to the door, her heart in her mouth, half expecting Eve to refuse to leave at the last moment, half expecting her to demand to see Erin.

As she reaches the door, Natalie can’t stop herself from calling out to Eve.

‘Erin doesn’t need you around, Eve.

All she needs is her family .

No one else.’ Eve’s face is blank, but as she blinks Natalie thinks she can see fresh tears in her eyes.

‘So thanks for bringing her things in, but please don’t come back to the hospital.

Please respect our privacy.

’

‘Of course.’ Eve bows her head in a nod, reaching for the door handle before she turns back to Natalie.

‘But I just want you to think about things, Nat, that’s all.

You must know you can’t trust a word Pete says.

’

Natalie feels the room spin for a moment as the force of Eve’s words hit her full on.

‘Like I can trust you? I know you’ve been cancelling your clients so you can come over to our house.

Why? So I can feel in debt to you, feel guilty for pulling you away from your busy practice?

’ She shakes her head.

‘Don’t you dare put this on me, or Pete.

It’s like you’re obsessed with us.

’

Eve pulls back as if she’s been slapped.

‘Natalie, I just wanted to help … but Pete—’

‘I don’t want any explanations from you, Eve.

And as for Pete … If you’ve got something to tell me, then just say it.

’

‘I’m sorry, Nat, this was a mistake.

I shouldn’t have come here.

’

‘Just say it , Eve. Whatever it is, just say it and then get out.’

Eve lifts her chin, and meets Natalie’s gaze head-on.

‘OK. Pete’s a liar, Nat, and you know it.

If he’s so innocent in all of this, then where has he been lately, while you’ve been at home alone, struggling to keep going?

Maybe he should have been spending more time at home with you and the children, and less time at Montpellier Square. ’