Page 44

Pete

It’s not just the news that Erin is going to be OK that makes Pete weep into Natalie’s hair as her arms automatically go around him; it’s the familiar feel of her in his arms, something that he took for granted for so long and is now determined he never will again.

‘She’s really going to be all right?

’ Natalie’s hands cover her face as the news sinks in and she lets out a long moan, her shoulders juddering.

Pete gets to his feet, pulling Natalie up with him and holding her tightly against his chest as she cries.

The relief is almost overwhelming.

‘She is,’ The doctor says, with a tired smile.

‘We’re still in with her at the moment, but we’re hoping later on today we’ll be able to move her to a paediatric ward.

We’ll want to keep her in for a few days, just for observation, but Erin is going to be fine.

I’ll let you know when you can come in and see her.

’

‘Oh, thank God. I thought …’ Natalie breaks off and Pete squeezes her tightly again.

He knows exactly what she thought.

He had thought the same thing.

Natalie’s head rests against his chest, and while he wishes he could just brush everything else under the carpet and behave as if nothing has happened, he has to make things right with her.

‘Nat?’

She looks up, pulling away slightly as if she just remembered what he’s done.

‘What?’ She fumbles in her pocket, pulling out a used tissue and pressing it to her eyes.

‘I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, for everything.

’ His throat thickens again and he has to blink rapidly.

‘I did everything wrong, right from the very beginning. I should never have reacted that way when you told me you were pregnant. I mean, what kind of bloke does that?’ He hates himself, can taste the disgust on his tongue.

‘I should have been over the moon – I love you, we’re a family, Erin was meant to be the icing on the cake.

The only thing I regret more than my reaction that night is …

’ The words are clunky, sticking in his throat, and he wants to cough.

‘What happened with Vanessa.’

‘Pete—’

‘There’s no excuse for what I did, for how I behaved.

’ Pete looks at Natalie now, at the woman he’s loved for over twenty years, and he doesn’t understand how he ever thought that she wasn’t enough.

‘I was looking for something that was never even missing in the first place, I just thought it was. Everything I’ve ever needed, ever wanted …

it was all there right in front of me the whole time.

’

Natalie sighs, pressing the tissue to her eyes again before shoving it up the sleeve of that ratty old cardigan she loves so much.

Pete loves the sight of her in that cardigan right now; he’ll never complain about it again.

‘Pete …’ she says, her voice hoarse.

‘This isn’t all on you.

It isn’t all your fault.

I’m to blame as well, and I’m sorry.

’

She looks up at him and for a moment time slides away, and she is that quirky nineteen-year-old student, with the self-cut fringe and smudgy eyeliner, who knocked him to the floor.

‘I was struggling with Erin,’ she says quietly, ‘and instead of doing the decent thing, instead of coming to you and saying you were right, another child has upset the balance of our family and I’m not coping very well, I pushed you away.

’ She draws in a shuddering breath.

‘I punished you for being right, Pete. Instead of coming to you for help, instead of going to the doctor sooner and being honest about things, it was easier for me to be mad at you. It was easier for me to pretend to be asleep when you came home and to blame you for Zadie wetting the bed than it was to tell you maybe I’d made a mistake having another baby.

’ Tears roll silently down Natalie’s cheeks, but she doesn’t seem to be aware that she’s crying.

‘I don’t blame you, Pete, for …

’ She swallows, as if the words she’s about to speak are painfully sharp.

‘For having an affair with Vanessa. I pushed you into it, with my own behaviour.’

‘Jesus, Nat.’ Just when Pete thinks his heart couldn’t feel any more broken.

He pulls her back into his arms, resting his chin on her hair.

‘No, that’s not how it was at all.

Vanessa … I don’t ever want you to blame yourself for what happened with Vanessa.

That’s all on me. I was weak and stupid and …

I wish I’d been as strong as you are.

’ He pulls away, gripping her by her upper arms and looking into her eyes.

‘I am so sorry, Nat. I’ve never been sorrier for anything in my life, and I …

’ He breaks off, suddenly nervous, afraid of what her response will be, but he has to ask her.

‘More than anything, I want us to be able to get over this. Do you think you could ever forgive me for hurting you so badly? Do you think …? Do you think we could fix this?’

For a long, heart-stopping moment, Natalie doesn’t respond.

She looks down at his hands gripping her tightly and Pete feels his stomach drop away.

She’s going to say no , he thinks, and he doesn’t know how he’ll cope with that.

‘Yes.’ The word is barely a whisper.

Natalie finally looks at him, her blue eyes filling with yet more tears.

‘At least … I hope so. When I checked to see where you were earlier and you were at Vanessa’s flat, I thought …

’ A sob escapes, ringing out in the quiet waiting room.

‘Oh, God, Nat. No. It was nothing like that, I swear. I went home to check on the kids, and the police had said there was lipstick on the blanket Erin was found in. I was so angry with her, I thought … I had to ask her, that’s all.

’ For a moment Pete thinks he might have just undone everything as Natalie freezes, before she relaxes into him again.

Pete feels as if all the air has gone out of him, he’s so relieved.

Leaning down, he presses his mouth to Natalie’s, tasting salt on her lips.

‘I swear to you, Nat, I’ll never fuck up like this again.

’

Natalie takes a step back, holding up one hand.

‘There’s just one question I have to ask you, Pete, before we can even begin to start again.

’

‘What is it?’ Pete will answer any question she has.

He’d fly her to the moon if that’s what she wanted, if it meant they could fix things.

‘Do you …? Do you think I could have done this to Erin?’

‘What? My God, Natalie, no.’ Pete shakes his head.

He hadn’t thought it, not really.

Even when the police were questioning him and he’d had that brief flicker of doubt, he knew deep down in his bones that Natalie could never be responsible for something like this.

‘What about you?’ he asks, with a flutter of nerves.

‘Did you ever think maybe I was responsible for taking Erin?’

Natalie shakes her head, her eyes never leaving his face.

‘Never, Pete. You might be a lot of things, but you love your kids. It never crossed my mind that you could have been responsible.’

Pete feels a chill at the thought running through his mind.

If neither I nor Natalie is responsible for Erin’s abduction … then whois?