Page 33

Natalie

Natalie sits in the back of the police car, desperately trying to draw in enough oxygen.

Her cheeks burn and it’s hot and stuffy in the car, the windows tightly closed and the heater blowing hot, dusty air despite the fact that it’s the middle of August. She wonders if Pete is at the hospital yet, the ambulance screeching away before she had even fastened her seatbelt.

Pete’s face had been pale as he’d climbed into the back of the ambulance, Erin’s tiny body disappearing inside ahead of him, cradled in the paramedic’s arms. Her feet had automatically started to follow them, but then the police officer was at her side, gently taking her elbow and guiding her towards the waiting police car.

The familiar streets fly past in a blur, as rain begins to splatter the windows.

Natalie sighs, still feeling oddly numb as she watches the world through the passenger window, the glass beginning to steam up as Natalie’s breath hits it.

She’d thought the storm was over, that the weather was meant to turn tonight and they would wake up to blue skies in the morning, but apparently not.

Somewhere, deep and buried, she thinks she should feel relieved that Pete found Erin before the rain started, but she still feels as if this is all a terrible dream that she’ll wake up from at any moment.

She blinks and a single tear runs down one cheek, slipping into the corner of her mouth, leaving the salty taste of heartbreak on her tongue.

‘Natalie? Nat?’ DI Travis taps gently on her knee to get her attention and Natalie drags her gaze away from the rain-washed streets outside.

She can still faintly hear the sound of a siren in the distance.

‘I was asking why you had people over to the house tonight. Were you celebrating something special?’

Something about the way she asks the question tells Natalie that the police officer already knows the answer, but she draws in a breath of that fuggy, stuffy air and replies.

‘Yes, Emily – she’s our eldest daughter – it was her birthday.

It is her birthday, her eighteenth.

’ The words feel jumbled, as though she can’t put them in the right order.

‘We were having a party to celebrate, because she got her A level results this week and she’s going to university.

’ For a moment Natalie can’t remember where Emily is going, before the name presents itself on the tip of her tongue.

‘Durham,’ she says with a cold wave of relief.

‘Emily’s going to go to Durham.

’ She thinks of the way Emily’s lip curled as she spat her anger at Natalie in the bedroom, wonders if she’ll ever be forgiven for not dishing out sympathy at Emily’s distress over Jake leaving.

‘Wait a minute.’ Panic clenches at Natalie’s insides, turning her hot, then cold.

‘Zadie. Where is Zadie? Who’s looking after her?

’ She twists in her seat, looking out of the rear window as if she’ll be able to see the house, see Zadie.

DI Travis puts out a hand, as if to calm Natalie.

‘She’s OK, she’s back at the house.

Emily is there with her, and also a lady called Eve?

She said she’s a close friend of yours.

’

Natalie sits back, her pulse slowing.

Eve is there . Natalie knows she should be glad, should feel grateful, but she doesn’t know how she feels about the thought of Eve taking care of Zadie.

‘I’ve also left one of our officers at the house,’ Travis says, ‘so you don’t have to worry – your girls are safe.

’

Natalie nods, aware that she is biting the skin around her fingers, the way she always does when she gets anxious.

She pulls her hand away, tucking it under her thigh.

‘Thank you.’

‘So, Natalie, can you tell me who else was at the party? It seems like you had quite a crowd.’

‘Just friends and family,’ Natalie says.

‘Eve, Stu and Mari – that’s Pete’s best friend and his wife.

Emily’s best friend from school and her mother.

The neighbours across the street – Noyce, that’s their name.

’ Natalie pauses. ‘Emily’s boyfriend, Jake, for a short while.

’ Adrenaline floods her veins at the thought of the other guest – the uninvited guest – and she almost feels a shiver of pleasure at the thought of the police turning up on her doorstep, followed by rage at the thought of Pete bringing all this to their door.

‘And Vanessa. I don’t remember her surname, I’m afraid, she works with Pete.

She’s an old friend of his.

I would suggest you ask Pete about her.

’ There is no disguising the venom that leaches into her voice as Natalie says the other woman’s name, and she realises for the first time that she doesn’t feel quite as foggy as she did.

DI Travis says nothing for a moment, but there is the tiniest raising of an eyebrow as she reaches for her pocketbook.

‘OK, we’ll speak with Pete about her.

We can get her details from him.

’ Travis scribbles the names down in a spidery, scratchy scrawl, before she flips the pocketbook closed and smiles at Natalie.

‘We’re nearly there now,’ she says, patting Natalie’s hand.

Natalie recognises the road they are speeding along, and remembers with a pang that the last time she travelled this way, it was Pete speeding along and patting her hand as she puffed and panted in the seat beside him, Erin on her way.

‘What time did the party start?’

‘About three o’clock.

It wasn’t meant to go on this late.

’ Natalie swallows and glances out of the window again.

Rain still pours, and it looks more like November than August outside.

‘I have a daughter, too,’ The police officer says, and Natalie looks at her in surprise.

She doesn’t look like a mum.

She’s too put together, too neat and tidy to be a mum, Natalie thinks.

Maybe her daughter is Emily’s age and she’s over the worst of it all.

‘She’s five,’ Travis goes on, and Natalie has to rethink things.

‘She just started school this year – that was an eye-opener, let me tell you.’ The detective smiles wryly.

‘It can be difficult,’ Natalie says quietly, thinking about Zadie and how the school accused her of bullying.

‘Some of them struggle a little bit.’

‘Some of us mums do, too,’ Travis says, a smile tugging at her lips as she runs her eyes over Natalie’s face.

‘I’m one of the oldest mums in the playground.

I feel like every time I walk in to pick her up, I’m half expecting someone to think I’m her granny.

’

Natalie doesn’t respond.

‘They’re a bit cliquey, the other parents in the playground,’ Travis says, brushing her fringe out of her eyes and picking invisible lint from her trousers.

‘I’m not sure if they don’t want to speak to me because they know I’m a copper, or if it’s just the age difference.

I’m afraid I’m not at all up to speed with Below Deck and TikTok.

’

‘Me neither,’ Natalie says, avoiding her gaze, although that is a lie.

She loves watching Below Deck when Pete’s working late.

At that thought she gets that sharp pain in her stomach again and shifts, pressing a hand to her belly, a gesture not missed by the police officer.

‘All of my friends’ kids are much older than my daughter, so I really do feel like a fish out of water sometimes,’ Travis says.

‘Do you find that, too, Natalie?’

‘Not really. Stu and Mari’s kids are still quite small.

We had Emily very young.

’ What does this woman want?

Why is she telling Natalie about her trials as a mother?

Natalie isn’t interested in this woman’s experiences of having a child later in life.

Shouldn’t she be out looking for whoever took Erin from her cot?

Natalie sighs, resisting the urge to face the window again.

It all feels too much.

Too heavy.

‘Of course … Emily.’ The police officer nods.

‘Her eighteenth, you said? You must have been barely more than a child yourself when you had her.’

‘Twenty-two,’ Natalie says.

‘I got pregnant in our last year at university.’

‘Wow. That must have been a shock.’

‘It was. But we were both pleased. Really happy.’ Natalie’s eyes fill with tears and she blinks, her vision softening.

DI Travis fumbles in the pocket of her trench coat and hands Natalie a tissue.

‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.

’ Silence fills the car for a long moment as Natalie gets her emotions back under control.

She doesn’t like this police officer; there’s something false about the tone of her voice, the things she says.

As if she wants to come across as kind and understanding, but something about it doesn’t sit right for Natalie.

Maybe it’s just that she feels guarded – today has shown her she can’t trust anyone around her.

‘Quite an age gap you guys have, isn’t it,’ Travis says, ‘Between Zadie and Erin? Was she a little surprise?’

Natalie feels the ghost of a smile on her face.

‘You could say that.’

‘I remember when I told my husband we were having a baby.’ Travis gives a small huff of laughter.

‘You could have knocked us both down with a feather. Both of us had given up, if I’m honest, we thought we were just destined to not have kids, but then along she came.

Our little gift.’

‘Oh.’ Natalie doesn’t care.

She doesn’t care that this woman had a miracle baby.

She doesn’t care that the husband was shocked.

All she cares about is getting to the hospital and finding out if her own baby has survived being left outside in a cold, dark wood.

‘It must have been a shock for you guys, too?’ The detective is still talking.

‘When you found out you were having Erin? Someone told me at the house she wasn’t a planned baby.

’ Natalie feels the words needle under her skin.

Who told her that? Was itEve?

‘It was a surprise, yes.’ Natalie leans forward in her seat, as they approach the final roundabout that takes them to the hospital.

They’ll be there any moment, and she feels a spurt of adrenaline run through her veins.

Will Erin be OK? She swallows, her mouth dry at the thought of what awaits her at the emergency department.

‘What about Pete?’ The question hangs in the air as Natalie takes a moment to absorb it.

‘How did he take the news you were pregnant? Was he pleased? Once he got over the initial shock, I mean.’

Natalie pauses, mulling over her response.

Her initial reaction is to say whatever she usually says when people remark on the fact that they’ve had Erin so late after their other children.

To say of course they were thrilled, of course Pete was happy to become a father again.

But to say that now would be to lie, and Natalie doesn’t want to lie to the police.

She doesn’t think Pete would lie either, and she squashes down the spark of fear that ignites at the thought of telling the truth.

‘Natalie?’ Travis prods gently, her intense gaze focused directly on Natalie’s face like a searchlight.

‘How did Pete react when you told him you were pregnant with Erin?’

Natalie drags her eyes up to meet DI Travis’s face, her heart frantically crashing against her ribcage.

‘He was … overwhelmed,’ she says eventually.

‘We both were. Neither of us were expecting another child, and discovering I was pregnant … Well, it meant we had to change our plans.’ Natalie has been as honest as she feels she can, but doesn’t say what she wants to say, what shebelieves to be the truth.

That Pete was horrified to learn that Natalie was pregnant.

That Pete never wanted Erin at all.