Page 12

Natalie

Erin is finally sleeping, and Natalie hums an old Taylor Swift song under her breath, feeling oddly serene even as she shoves Zadie’s wet sheets into the washing machine for the third morning in a row.

Pete seems to be making a bit more of an effort to get home on time the past week or so, and it’s improved Natalie’s mood drastically, just knowing he will be home in time to help with the bedtime routine.

Whatever was so urgent at work – client dinners by the looks of it; the couple of times Natalie checked Find My iPhone his car had been parked near Montpellier Square – seems to have died down, to Natalie’s relief, and although he’s still not fully present in spirit, at least he’s physically available.

If she didn’t know him so well, she might have been concerned about an affair, but this is Pete.

He can barely cope with Natalie, let alone the demands of another woman.

Emily saunters into the kitchen, wearing hot pants and a barely there top, wrinkling her nose at the slight smell of piss from Zadie’s sheets.

‘I’m going out.’

‘Oh?’ Natalie starts the washing machine and moves to the tap to wash her hands.

‘I thought you were working today.’ Emily has worked in the small coffee shop on the edge of town since she was fifteen, and has taken extra hours over the summer.

‘I took the week off.’ Emily moves to the fridge, opening the door and starting to pick listlessly through its meagre contents.

‘You took the week off? Why?’

‘To spend it with Jake.’ Emily pops a cherry tomato in her mouth and closes the fridge.

‘Jesus, Emily. Are you serious? You’ve taken the entire week off?

You’re on zero hours, you don’t get holiday pay.

’

‘So what? I am entitled to some time off, you know,’ Emily huffs.

‘I’ve revised all year for my A levels, got stressed to the max taking my exams seeing as how I got literally no sleep thanks to Erin crying all night every night, and now they’re finished and you don’t even want me to have a day off.

Plus, I’m eighteen. I can make my own decisions, I don’t need your permission.

’

Why are teenage girls so dramatic?

The thought that she has to go through this phase another two times makes Natalie want to groan aloud.

‘I’m not saying you can’t take time off.

I’m just saying that a week is a lot of money to lose when you’re supposed to be saving as much as you can before you go to university.

It’s OK for Jake.’

‘What’s that supposed to mean?

It’s not Jake’s fault he can’t afford to go to university.

’ Emily’s voice rises and Natalie feels her own temper flare.

‘Just because you hate him. I know you do.’

‘I don’t hate him.

’ Natalie doesn’t hate Jake.

She just thinks that twenty-one is too old to be interested in an eighteen-year-old girl.

And she’d kind of hoped that Emily would find someone with her own level of drive and ambition eventually.

Not now. And not a boy from the wrong side of town, whose father is a distant memory, and who doesn’t seem to be able to hold down a steady job.

‘Yes, you do,’ Emily counters.

‘You make it perfectly obvious every time you roll your eyes when I mention his name, or when you make comments under your breath about him.’

‘Well, I’m hardly going to be his biggest fan when he upsets you all the time, am I?

’ Natalie says, resisting the urge to roll her eyes right now.

‘You came home crying last week over him talking to Lexi Smith after you’d left the pub.

And the week before, when you found out he’d liked some random girl’s Instagram photo.

’

Emily’s eyes fill, her mouth turning down at the corners.

‘I know the real reason why you don’t want me to go out, and it’s not even about you hating Jake.

You don’t want me to have a life, you just want me to stay at home and look after Erin.

’

‘Emily, that’s not fair—’

‘No, it’s not bloody fair,’ Emily shouts, her voice thick with frustration and unshed tears.

‘You used to be such a cool mum – I used to actually be able to talk to you – but now all you ever do is mope about and moan and get me to look after Erin. She’s your baby, not mine, and I don’t want to spend my summer looking after her.

’

‘Hey, that’s out of order.

Jake is always tagging along with you when you take Erin out.

’ Natalie doesn’t think she asks Emily to look after Erin that much, but when she stops to consider it now, Emily is the one she turns to for help when Eve is with clients and can’t pitch in.

‘To be honest, the last time I left her with you while I dropped Zadie at gymnastics, the pair of you didn’t do such a great job, did you?

I came back to both of you playing Fortnite , and Erin with a soaked nappy.

’

‘I changed her literally an hour before you got back, but you wouldn’t know because you weren’t here.

’ Emily swallows, her voice lowering to barely above a whisper.

‘Even when you are here, you don’t have time for me.

Not any more, anyway.

’

The words are like a shard of glass piercing Natalie’s heart.

‘Em, you know I appreciate you, but—’

‘Yeah, right.’ Emily blinks and a tear slides over her bottom lashes, that she dashes away as if she doesn’t want Natalie to notice.

‘Erin isn’t my responsibility – I shouldn’t have to sacrifice time with my boyfriend or my friends to babysit all the time.

Annabel invited me to Ibiza with her and Jodie this summer, did you know that?

But I said no, because I knew you wouldn’t be able to cope with Erin on your own.

If things had been different I could have been sunning myself on a beach right now.

’

‘Oh, Em—’

‘No, Mum. I’m not talking about it any more.

I’m going out.’ There is the honking of a car horn outside.

‘That’s Jake. I’ll be back later, and no, I don’t know what time, before you ask.

’ Snatching up her phone, Emily hurries out of the house, slamming the front door behind her as if desperate to put some distance between them.

Natalie sinks back against the kitchen worktop, her good mood punctured, waiting for the inevitable shout to come fromErin.

In some sort of miracle, Erin doesn’t wake, and Natalie makes her way upstairs, her hands shaking and her chest aching with unshed tears.

In the bathroom she opens the medicine cabinet and pulls out the white box of diazepam the doctor prescribed, that she hasn’t quite been able to bring herself to start taking yet.

The crushing sense of failure weighing down on her doesn’t dissipate as Natalie presses her fingers to the blister pack, popping two pills into her hand.

Glancing into the mirror, Natalie catches a glimpse of her reflection, pausing as she raises her hand to her mouth.

Dark circles ring her eyes and her blonde hair lies limp against her shoulders.

Emily’s right – if they hadn’t had Erin, then the whole family would probably have gone away in the sun for a week after Emily’s exams had finished, and Natalie would have been sporting a bit of a tan, but instead her face is pasty white, and the beginning of a pimple glows on her chin.

She blinks once, as if hoping the reflection will change and then, with a sigh, she turns to the toilet, throwing the pills into the bowl and flushing the chain.

Moments later, Natalie’s phone rings and she fumbles to answer before the ringtone can wake the baby.

‘Hello?’

‘Mrs Maxwell? This is Mrs Hendry. Zadie’s headteacher.

’

‘Is Zadie OK?’ Natalie’s breath catches in her throat and her eyes go back to the white pill box.

She shoves it back into the cupboard and closes the door.

‘She’s fine, but I wondered if you could come into the office.

’

‘I can come in when I collect her.’

‘No.’ The word is a sigh.

‘We need to see you rather sooner than that, please. As soon as possible. There’s been an incident, and we need to talk to you before we can decide on the appropriate action to be taken.

I’d rather not discuss it over the phone.

’

‘Oh. OK. I’ll be there as soon as I can.

’ Natalie ends the call and, with her heart thumping fit to burst, she dials Pete.

As usual, there is no answer.

‘Pete. Call me. It’s urgent, it’s about Zadie.

I have to go to a meeting at the school.

’

Peering into the bedroom, Natalie can just make out the slight rise and fall of Erin’s chest. She feels a wave of love, a crashing tsunami that takes her breath away, before dread takes over at the thought of having to wake her to take her into school for the meeting, knowing she’ll grizzle and cry all the way through.

Stepping out of the room, Natalie hesitates on the landing for just a moment before she lifts her phone and calls Eve.

‘Eve? It’s me. Are you busy?

’

‘Always. I’ve got a client at four o’clock, but today is mostly an admin day sorting things for new clients, so I’m hoping you’re calling to save me.

’ Eve laughs. ‘Everything OK?’

‘I am so, so sorry to do this.’ Natalie feels her throat thicken and she blinks rapidly.

‘I have to go to a meeting at Zadie’s school and Erin is down for a nap.

I don’t suppose there’s any way …

?’

‘Of course!’ Eve says, and Natalie lets out a long breath of relief.

‘I’ll be right over.

’

By the time Eve arrives, Erin is awake and crying, and Natalie feels terrible for dragging her out.

‘Sorry, she was sleeping when I called.’ Natalie grapples with a fussy Erin as Eve pushes her way into the hallway.

‘Don’t feel you have to stay.

Hopefully she’ll drop off again in the pushchair.

’

‘Don’t be daft, I’m here now.

’ Barely glancing at Natalie, Eve holds out her arms and Erin bends towards her, her chubby hands reaching for Eve’s amber necklace.

‘How about I walk up with you and Erin, and then when you go into the meeting, I’ll walk Erin back home and meet you here?

That way, both of you get a change of scenery.

’

Natalie feels a rush of relief.

‘That sounds perfect.’ She wheels the pushchair onto the driveway and Eve tucks Erin safely in before taking the handles.

‘I’ll push. Come on, little miss, let’s go for a walk.

’

They cut through the woods behind the house to get to the park, and as they reach the pond in the centre of the park, Natalie ignores the painful twist in her heart as Erin spies the ducks and begins to squeal.

‘See?’ Eve says, with a grin.

‘I told you she loves them. We’ll stop on the way back and feed them, baby girl.

Oh, hi!’ Eve slows the pushchair to a stop as an older lady approaches and peers atErin.

‘Hello, you little monkey. I hope you’re being good for your mummy.

’ The lady looks up at Eve and smiles, as Eve nods.

‘This is the lady we met last time we fed the ducks. We’ve seen her here a few times now,’ Eve says to Natalie, before turning back to the woman.

‘This is Erin’s mum, actually.

’

‘Oh. Gosh, I’m sorry, I just assumed …

’

‘Nice to meet you.’ Natalie smiles, but there is an urgent crashing in her chest. ‘Eve, sorry, but I really do need to go.’ Relief floods her veins when the other woman walks past, but even as Eve chatters away as they make their way towards the school, Natalie can’t shake the unsettling feeling that washed over her as she realised the woman had thought Eve was Erin’s mother.

Fifteen minutes later, Natalie has waved goodbye to Eve and Erin and is following the school secretary towards Mrs Hendry’s office, the thick scent of antiseptic and old school dinners heavy on the air.

She smiles as she steps inside, but it soon fades as Mrs Hendry gets to her feet to shake her hand, the smile not reciprocated.

‘Mrs Maxwell, as I said on the phone, we’ve had an incident involving Zadie today, and this time it’s fairly serious.

’

This time? What does she mean, ‘this time’?

Natalie opens her mouth to speak, but Mrs Hendry rushes on.

‘On several occasions Zadie has had to be removed from class for being disruptive, and there have been some reports of bullying.’

‘ Bullying? ’ Natalie feels sick.

Zadie is so sweet and kind, she can’t bear the thought of someone bullying her.

‘Who was it? Who’s been picking on Zadie?

’

‘Mrs Maxwell.’ The headteacher leans in, her voice softening.

‘It’s not Zadie being bullied.

Zadie is the one doing the bullying.

’

It’s as though Natalie has been slapped in the face – a swift, sharp smack she didn’t see coming.

‘No. Not Zadie. I know my daughter and she isn’t a bully.

I want to know who’s saying these things.

’

‘I’m sorry, I know this is very upsetting, but you understand why I need to talk to you?

The incident today involved Zadie biting a child, and I will be speaking to their parents, too, so we can get to the bottom of all this.

’ Mrs Hendry’s tone leaves no room for doubt that she is taking this seriously.

‘How has Zadie been at home? She’s sleeping OK, seems like herself?

’

‘Yes. She’s just …

Zadie. She’s fine.’

‘Sometimes, when something like this happens, it can be down to frustration. And lashing out is a way of expressing this frustration. Sometimes we just need to encourage the child to talk about anything they might be worried about—’

‘Zadie doesn’t have anything to worry about.

’ Natalie can hear the heat in her own voice, and she takes a moment to rein it in.

‘Everything is fine at home. It sounds to me as though Zadie is unhappy at school, not at home.’

‘Mrs Maxwell, I wasn’t insinuating anything was wrong at home, but I do think Zadie is a brilliant, bright girl and you should perhaps encourage her to talk to you about how she’s feeling, or if there is anything that might be worrying her,’ Mrs Hendry says, gently.

‘In light of what’s happened today, I think the best course of action is for Zadie to stay home with you for a few days.

We only have a week left until the school holidays start, and I think perhaps she might benefit from some time to reflect on her actions, if you could perhaps have a talk with her.

’

Natalie gets to her feet, fury strangling her voice, her words coming out thin and reedy.

‘I can tell you now, there is nothing wrong with Zadie. If she’s acting up, then it’s just a phase, that’s all.

I’ll speak to her, of course I will, but I’m confident things aren’t as you say they are.

’ Without saying goodbye, she sweeps out of the office and back to reception, where she waits for Zadie’s teacher to bring her out.

Bullying . Natalie still can’t quite believe it, and it takes every fibre of her being to paste on a smile as Zadie skips towards her, thrilled to be starting her school holidays early.

Natalie, on the other hand, feels as though she’s failed.

Again.

‘How was it?’ Eve is bouncing a dozy Erin in her arms as Natalie arrives home, packing Zadie upstairs with the threat of talking to her when Pete gets home.

‘Oh, God, Eve.’ Natalie’s voice breaks and the tears she’s held back since the row with Emily erupt, like a dam bursting.

‘They’re saying Zadie’s a bully.

That she bit someone.

I mean, what the fuck?

That’s not Zadie, you know that.

’

‘Oh, love.’ Eve lays Erin down in her bouncy chair, pulling Natalie in for a hug.

‘It can all be sorted, don’t worry.

All kids go through things like this.

’

‘I just feel so … shit . Like I can’t get anything right.

’ Natalie tells Eve about the argument earlier – about Emily missing out on a girls’ holiday because of her.

‘And the thing is, she’s right,’ she says.

‘If Em had been home earlier, I would have asked her to sit with Erin instead of calling you. Pete never answered his phone, as usual. He’s not working late as much any more, but it’s still like he’s not really here.

Like he can’t stand to be around us.

’

‘Pete’s always been selfish, you know that.

It seems like he’s forgotten he’s a husband and a father lately.

Acting like he doesn’t have responsibilities to come home to.

Almost like he’s single.

’ Eve has never been Pete’s biggest fan, but now there is something bitter and spiteful in her tone.

She’s always thought he could do more for Natalie, to support her with the kids, but Natalie usually brushes her comments aside.

‘It feels that way at the moment,’ Natalie says, a spark of shame igniting at having slagged Pete off.

Erin murmurs, stirring in her bouncy chair, and Natalie sees that Eve has swapped the outfit Natalie dressed her in for a sleepsuit Eve bought.

‘Listen, I should let you go, you have a client at four. But thank you for today. Again. I don’t know what I’d do without you.

’

‘No problem. I’ve fed Erin and burped her, and she played for a bit on the play mat until she got tired again.

She’s such a little love.

’ Eve gives Natalie another hug goodbye, and it’s only moments after she’s left that the doorbell rings again.

Thinking it’s Eve, Natalie opens the door with a smile.

‘What did you forget—? Oh. Hello.’

‘Hi.’ A woman Natalie doesn’t know stands on the doorstep, a big Hermès bag over one arm, a slim paper file in the other.

‘Sorry to bother you, but is Pete in?’

‘Errrmmm … no. Sorry, he’s not.

He’s at work.’ Natalie feels her brows draw together in confusion.

The woman seems familiar somehow, but Natalie can’t place her.

‘Oh. Oh, God. That’s a bit of a nightmare.

’ The woman waves the slim file in her hand, the expensive bangles on her wrist jangling.

‘I really need to hand these papers over.’

‘I can pass them on to him, no problem.’ Feeling uneasy, Natalie is horribly aware of her own appearance beside the glamorous woman on her doorstep – aware of her unwashed hair and bare face, next to this woman’s sleek dark hair and bright red lipstick.

The woman pulls a face.

‘I wish I could just hand them over, but I need to give them to him personally, I’m afraid.

’

Natalie pauses to think.

‘I could give him a call? See if he can pop home? He’s only working on the other side of the village on that new housing development.

’ And that way, I can grab his ear for five minutes to talk to him about Zadie.

‘Would you? That would be fantastic.’

‘No problem.’ Natalie pulls her phone from her cardigan pocket and dials Pete’s number.

‘Who shall I tell him is here?’

‘Just tell him it’s Vanessa. ’