Page 14

Natalie

‘I’ll come with you.

’ Eve is already reaching for her jacket as Natalie shakes her head.

‘It’s fine, Eve, honestly.

It’s just a check-up.

’ As if she has been primed, Erin lets out a wail, sharp and high-pitched, and Natalie has to resist the urge to shudder.

‘I think Erin has just made the decision for you.’ Eve laughs as she bends and scoops the baby out of her bouncy chair.

‘I’ll come with you, then while you’re in with the doctor Erin can stay in the waiting room with me.

It’ll be easier all round – you can talk properly to the doctor without fretting about whether she’s going to cry or not.

’

‘Sure. OK. Whatever.’ Natalie feels sluggish and slow, exhaustion making her thoughts cloudy and fragmented as she allows Eve to strap Erin into her pushchair and take the handles.

She hadn’t slept well after Vanessa’s visit, and she can’t squash the burning irritation she feels at Pete.

She knows he works for Vanessa – theoretically she is his boss – but it still stings that he can walk off site when Vanessa snaps her fingers.

Something he apparently can’t do when it’s Natalie who needs him.

As Eve wheels Erin out of the front door, Natalie follows, stumbling over something in the hallway as she does.

Eve’s handbag. ‘Eve, your bag!’

‘Can you grab it for me?’ Eve calls back over her shoulder, her focus still on Erin.

Natalie sighs and stoops to pick up the jumble of detritus that has spilled from the battered leather bag Eve has carried round for almost as long as Natalie has known her.

A packet of tissues, a pen with no lid, a piece of rose quartz and – Natalie pauses, with a glance towards the driveway, where Eve is still leaning over Erin – Eve’s appointment book.

She tries to tuck it into the bag but it gets caught in the strap, slipping to the floor, and Natalie can’t help glancing at the pages.

Her mouth goes dry as she runs her eyes over the scrawled biro notes, at the names and times scribbled out.

Cancellations. Page after page of them.

Natalie looks up, towards Eve, who makes a ‘hurry up’ gesture towards her, and shoves the book into the bag, her mind racing.

Why is Eve cancelling so many appointments?

The way she’s been talking, Eve has had more clients than ever, but herappointment book is telling a different story.

Natalie turnsher back on Eve, her face hot as she pulls the front door closed behind her.

Is Eve cancelling appointments to spend time with Erin and me?

Something about that thought makes Natalie feel oddly stifled and guilty at the same time.

Natalie tries to push the image of the pages of cancelled appointments out of her head as she lets Eve push Erin onto the path through the woods, the full leaves of the trees knitting over their heads and blocking out the sun.

She’s not sure if Eve has insisted on coming along to help with Erin, or if it’s really just so she can make sure Natalie does actually go to this check-up.

Natalie hasn’t brought a jacket, and she shivers in the chilly gloom of the trees, glad when they step out into the sunshine, although she is sweating lightly as they reach the surgery.

‘Natalie Maxwell?’ There is only a short wait before Natalie’s name is called.

She feels sick and anxious as she stands, running her hands over the fabric of her jeans while Eve gives her an encouraging smile.

‘Hello, Natalie.’ Dr Crawford looks up as Natalie takes a seat.

‘How are you?’

‘Good.’

The doctor peers at the screen.

‘So, you’re here for a post-natal check-up, correct?

You’ve had some issues with depression, and I can see you’ve been prescribed diazepam previously.

’

Natalie nods. ‘That’s right.

’

‘And how are you feeling?’ Dr Crawford gives Natalie a gentle smile, and Natalie wishes this was the doctor she’d seen when she found out she was pregnant.

‘OK.’ Natalie’s eyes fill with unexpected tears, and she blinks rapidly.

‘I’m very tired,’ she whispers.

‘All the time. The baby doesn’t sleep much, and my husband works long hours.

’

‘Do you have support in place?’

‘My eldest daughter helps out a bit, when she can.’ Natalie blinks again, her mouth dry.

She doesn’t want to tell the doctor that Emily seems to hate her, that Zadie is in awful trouble at school, that generally, things feel as if they are falling apart, and she is a massive failure.

‘How are your energy levels?’

‘Low. But it’s just because I’m tired.

I’ll be OK when the baby starts sleeping.

’ Natalie offers up a watery smile.

She doesn’t even have the energy to wash her hair most days.

‘My friend helps me out a lot. She takes the baby when I don’t feel great, she’s actually looking after her now.

’

‘Well, that’s good.

’ The doctor smiles.

‘It sounds like you have a good support system in her, and that’s what you need right now.

And you’re taking the pills prescribed to you?

How do you feel now you’re taking them?

’

‘Fine. Better.’ The lie tastes as bitter on Natalie’s tongue as she presumes the pills would if she had actually taken any.

As it is, she hasn’t yet.

She feels as if by taking them she would be admitting that she can’t cope, that she really is a complete and utter failure and yet, there’s a part of her that needs the security they offer from their little white box in the bathroom cabinet.

If she needs them, they are there.

She wonders briefly if that’s how her mother felt at first. If there’s anything Natalie doesn’t want to be, it’s like her mother.

‘Great. Well, I’ll write you a new prescription and we’ll chat again in a few weeks.

And keep making use of that friend of yours – she sounds like a godsend.

’

She sounds like a godsend .

The words ring in Natalie’s ears as she takes her new prescription and exits the consulting room to see said godsend dandling Erin on her knee as the receptionist leans over, cooing in the baby’s face, and Eve presses a kiss to the top of Erin’s head.

‘… your mummy.’ Natalie catches the last fragment of the receptionist’s words as the woman straightens, and Eve looks up at Natalie with a smile.

‘Here she is!’ She turns Erin in her lap towards Natalie, but Erin looks away, more interested in Eve’s bracelets.

‘I was just saying to your friend here what a good baby she is,’ the receptionist says, with a smile.

‘And I was just saying she’s always good, aren’t you, little one?

’ Eve laughs as Erin’s fingers wind around a strand of her hair.

Natalie eyes Eve, watching closely as she patiently untangles her hair, then fusses with Erin’s cardigan before placing her back in her pushchair, tucking a blanket over her little legs.

What is Eve implying?

That Erin behaves better for her than she does for me?

There is a burning sensation in Natalie’s chest, a wave of acid that makes it hard to swallow, and she nudges Eve out of the way and takes the handles of the pushchair, wheeling Erin out into the sunshine.

‘What did the doctor say?’ Eve asks, her brow furrowed in concern.

‘Did she give you another prescription?’

‘Yes. I’ll fill it later.

’ Natalie hasn’t admitted to Eve that she isn’t taking the pills.

‘She just asked how I was feeling, and I told her. Tired, stressed and like an old bag lady.’ Natalie takes one hand off the pushchair to gesture at her faded leggings.

‘I’ve told you before, Nat, all new mums feel this way to some extent,’ Eve says gently.

‘You’re too hard on yourself.

You know I’m always happy to help out if things get too much.

’

Ahh, yes. Eve, the godsend .

Natalie flinches at the memory of the doctor’s words.

Even the doctor thinks that Eve is more capable than Natalie.

Good old Eve, always ready to step in and stop Erin from crying.

‘Why don’t I take Erin for a day soon, and you could go and get your highlights done?

Maybe do some shopping?

’

Natalie starts to shake her head, but pauses.

‘Did I tell you I saw Vanessa?’

‘What?’

‘Vanessa. Pete’s ex, the one he’s working with.

She came to our house to give him some files.

She’s not how I thought she would look, to be honest.’

Eve’s mouth opens as if she wants to say something, before she closes it abruptly, as Erin lets out a yelp and then a burp.

‘Wait, Nat. She’s been sick.

’ Eve is reaching in and rummaging in the changing bag for wipes before Natalie even has a chance to think about it.

‘Maybe Pete needs to step up to the plate a bit more. Spend a bit more time at home than at work, if that’s even where he is.

’

‘What?’ One minute they were talking about highlights; now Eve has once again decided to go in on Pete, and Natalie doesn’t appreciate her tone.

‘He’s got kids, for God’s sake, it’s about time he started acting like it.

Jesus, Nat.’ Eve stands, moving to the bin on the edge of the footpath to throw away the dirty wipes.

‘He’s never at home – you’re left coping with everything, exhausting yourself to the point that you need medication to get through the day while Pete’s out there living his best life.

It’s not on. Sometimes I think you might as well be on your own.

’

Natalie can feel her jaw drop.

She knows Pete hasn’t been around much, but Eve surely has to understand that he’s working all the hours God sends to provide for her and the kids.

‘He’s got a job to do, Eve.

If Pete doesn’t work, then who pays the bills?

He’s been coming home on time the last couple of weeks, actually.

And he does more than you know – he does a lot when he is around.

’ Not strictly true, but despite the animosity she’s felt towards Pete lately, Natalie still feels the urge to defend him.

‘Sure he does,’ Eve says.

A wave of resentment bubbles up as Erin laughs at Eve, who is making faces at her, and Natalie looks ahead to the edge of the woods.

Something about the way Eve is behaving lately is off: the cancellation of her clients; the way she seems to have ditched her other friends – not that she has many, Pete says Eve changes her friends more than her knickers; her comments about Pete that seem to be getting progressively more and more spiteful.

Natalie doesn’t know any more if she is too dependent on Eve, or if it’s beginning to be the other way round and she feels a sudden longing for space.

‘Thanks for today, Eve. I can take things from here.’

Eve looks up, puzzled.

‘I thought I was coming back to yours? I was going to help Emily with her packing list for university.’

‘Erin needs a nap. I’ll catch you later.

’ Simmering with a mixture of irritation at Eve’s comments and an uneasy stirring in her gut, Natalie marches the pushchair towards the woods, her pulse pounding in her ears.

As she reaches the path leading through the trees towards the back of the house, she glances back to see Eve standing on the footpath, watching her go, her face clouded with confusion.

Erin begins to cry as Natalie shoves the pushchair over the bumpy dirt track, the wheels catching on a tree root.

She is hot, sweaty despite the cool shade, and as she wheels a now screaming Erin through the trees towards the house, the same thought forms over and over in her brain.

Erin is such a good baby.

But not for me. Only for Eve.

Eve is a godsend. Sweat prickles on the nape of her neck and Natalie swallows, her mouth dry.

Maybe Eve is a better mother to Erin than I am.

Maybe I have made a terrible mistake – maybe I never should have had another baby at all.