Page 11

Pete

If there’s one place Pete never expected to be again, it’s lying naked in Vanessa Taylor’s bed late on a Tuesday evening, but here he is, and it’s not the first time.

In the three months that have passed since he took Vanessa to the leaving do, he’s spent more time in this flat than he would ever care to admit.

That first night, nothing had happened.

He really had had coffee, and then when he left they might have kissed briefly, but it was enough to pour petrol on the tiny spark that still existed between them, and since then the fire has raged out of control.

What started as a brief fumble in the darkened site office two nights after that fateful drink (Pete doesn’t count the kiss at Vanessa’s flat – he’d had a couple of beers, but the site office was stone cold sober), when Vanessa had gasped breathily against his neck as he pressed himself against the length of her body, has morphed into regular sex and the chance for Pete to express how he really feels about things at home.

When he’s with Vanessa things seem …

easier, somehow. As though Pete is a teenager again, stripped free of worry and responsibility.

They take trips down memory lane, remembering the parties they went to, the people they went to school with, playing a version of Where Are They Now?

Vanessa has kept tabs via social media on a few people they knew from when they were dating, but Pete has no idea.

‘I did look for you a few times,’ Vanessa says once.

‘On Facebook. I always wondered what you were up to after … well, after we broke up. But I couldn’t find you.

’ Pete doesn’t do social media; he has no interest in it whatsoever.

‘I couldn’t believe it when people kept recommending this building company to me, and it turned out you were the managing director.

Pete Maxwell, back in my life after all this time.

’

‘Small world, eh?’ Pete had kissed her then, feeling slightly uncomfortable.

They talk about Pete’s life at home, about the kids, about the way Natalie makes him feel when she repeatedly pushes him away.

The only thing they don’t ever really discuss is why they broke up.

How Pete left Vanessa for Natalie.

He keeps telling himself this is just a temporary thing, and every time he leaves Vanessa’s flat, he walks away hating himself, hoping Natalie is asleep when he gets in so he can shower away the smell of another woman before she notices.

Each time it happens, he tells himself that this time is the last time, but when Vanessa appears in his office doorway long after the other lads have left for the night, smiling at him with those crimson lips, as though she’s actually pleased to see him, he has to ask himself why he is really working so late.

If Pete is honest, it’s not just the lure of Vanessa’s body and what she can do with her mouth that has him so drawn in.

It’s the way she lets him talk with no judgement – without jumping in with her own version of events, the way Natalie does.

It’s the way she’s familiar, but different.

Exciting. And the flat – it’s a completely different vibe to Pete’s own house.

At home, chaos reigns.

Natalie doesn’t seem to do anything around the house while he’s gone all day, and he regularly comes home to mountains of unwashed dishes while the dishwasher sits unemptied, the kids’ shoes and bags dumped in the hallway and piles of washing that either need to be washed, folded or put away.

Here, Vanessa’s flat is tidy and clutter-free, with plants lining every windowsill.

The only trinkets she has are items she’s collected on her travels, like statues of Ganesha and Buddha, and there is always the faint clean scent of an expensive air freshener.

Pete feels as though he can relax here, among the soft white covers of Vanessa’s bed, with no hint of baby sick or that stale sour smell he catches from Natalie sometimes.

And then, if he’s really digging deep into the honesty box, there’s the thrill of it.

There’s a part of him that enjoys the heart-thumping, spine-tingling blast he gets from his illicit meetings with Vanessa, a sharp, dizzying contrast to the drudgery of his everyday life.

The other night, Eve had mentioned the gastropub where he and Vanessa had had drinks at the leaving do in conversation with Natalie, catching his eye as she mentioned it, and for a moment he had thought his heart would stop in his chest. He’d waited for her to say something else, something damning, with his pulse a crashing tattoo in his ears, but she’d moved on to some fallout she’d had with a friend, and he’d had to resist the urge to say, ‘another one bites the dust.’ It seems only his wife can tolerate Eve for longer than a few months.

But even that brief moment of fear had given him some sort of sickening charge, and it wasn’t enough to stop him coming back to Vanessa for more.

‘Pete? Red or white?’ Vanessa calls from the kitchen, where she’s fixing post-coital snacks and drinks.

‘Either. Just one glass, though, I have to drive back soon.’ Pete knows Vanessa will try and pour him an extra glass in an attempt to make him stay longer, something he finds flattering every time, even though he never stays for the whole night.

Vanessa has made noises once or twice about how nice it would be for them to wake up together, but Pete has gently reminded her it simply can’t happen.

Lying back against the thick pillows, Pete lets himself wonder about how things would be if Natalie hadn’t got pregnant.

He doesn’t think he’d be lying here, that’s for sure.

They would have gone to Australia for Christmas, and his mum would have been able to see Zadie and Emily face to face, instead of just over a glitchy FaceTime call.

He and Natalie would have ventured out to the other side of the bay where the plot of land sits; they would have walked around it, Pete gesturing to show where the house would sit, where the garden boundary would lie.

He would have sketched out a pool area, a play area and a patio for Natalie to sit and read in the summer.

As it is, Pete had an email from his brother this morning to say the plot has been sold, and as he read it he could almost feel his dream slipping through his fingers like sand.

Pete feels a sickening lurch of resentment, and before he can bat it away, the thought rises in his mind.

If Natalie hadn’t got pregnant, none of this would be happening.

If Erin wasn’t here, they could be living their dream.

Pete would be drawing up plans for the new house now.

Natalie would be her usual bright, funny self, and he wouldn’t be here, in his ex-girlfriend’s bed, feeling sick and guilty.

He reaches for the water glass beside the bed, trying to wash away the bitterness of his own thoughts.

‘Here we are.’ Vanessa appears in the doorway, wearing the kind of underwear that Natalie rejected years ago, carrying a tray with expensive Parma ham and cheeses, two glasses and a bottle of cold white wine.

‘I hope you’re hungry.

’ She places the tray on the bedside table and opens the wine, pouring him a generous glass.

Pete takes the wine and shuffles up the bed, making room for Vanessa as she slides in beside him.

‘I was thinking,’ she says, ‘we could maybe take a trip to Whitstable now the weather is getting a little nicer. Maybe go out for some oysters, get a hotel … You could tell Natalie there’s a conference.

’ She nuzzles against him, but Pete doesn’t react.

‘What do you think? Pete?’

‘Hmmm?’ Pete drags himself out of his own thoughts, aware that he’s not heard a word she’s said.

‘You’re in your own little world.

What’s wrong?’

‘Just thinking.’

‘Oh?’

‘About Australia. I wish we could have gone out for Christmas but … You know. I just feel a bit low about it all. I was so excited to have bought the tickets, and then …’ He trails off.

Although he tells Vanessa how he feels about things, he’s still reluctant to call Natalie by her name in front of his mistress.

‘Do you ever wonder what it would have been like?’ Vanessa traces a pattern over his bare thigh with one finger.

‘What do you mean?’ Pete shifts his leg, dislodging her hand.

Vanessa shrugs, pulling herself back into a sitting position.

‘Just … do you ever think about how things might have been if we hadn’t broken up?

’

‘Ness, we were kids.’

‘I know,’ she says.

‘But I wonder about it, don’t you?

I still don’t think I would have wanted children.

I would have been happy enough for it to just be me and you.

We could have travelled together, seen the world a bit.

Maybe we both would have been happier.

’

‘Happier? Vanessa, I …’

Vanessa turns to face him, her brows drawn together in a frown, ‘You’re not happy, Pete, I know you’re not.

You come here and tell me several times a week you’re not happy, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

Life’s too short to wonder about all the what ifs.

All I’m saying is, if things had been different, if it were me and you, we could pack a bag and go to Australia tomorrow.

’

‘But things aren’t different.

So—’

‘They could be.’ Vanessa’s voice is barely above a whisper.

‘It could be me and you.’

‘Me and you?’ Pete frowns.

‘Sorry, Ness. What exactly are you saying?’

Vanessa turns to the bedside table and takes a mouthful of wine before she turns back on to her side to face him, her hair falling over one shoulder.

‘What I’m saying, Pete, is that maybe it’s time to be honest about what you really want.

’

‘Vanessa—’ Pete feels a pang of alarm, his stomach sinking.

‘Pete, please just let me talk. I need to tell you something.’ She is hesitant, her fingers knotting in the duvet as she takes a deep breath.

‘Oh God, I wasn’t going to say it, but …

The fact is, I’m in love with you.

I think I always have been, ever since we were kids.

’ As she raises her eyes to his, a tear spills over one cheek.

‘I know it’s wrong – everything about this is wrong.

I know you’re married, and I know this whole thing is going to end up being painful for everyone …

but after everything you’ve told me, I can’t help thinking you would be so much happier if you left Natalie.

You would be so much happier with me .

We want the same things.

We laugh all the time, we have a shared history …

and I know it’ll be tough on Natalie and the kids, but I’ll do whatever I can to make it easier.

Pete, I’ve never felt this way about anyone else.

And I wish I didn’t, but I can’t help the way I feel.

’

Pete feels as if he’s been punched in the gut.

Shock makes his teeth feel numb, his tongue too big for his mouth as he fumbles for something to say.

‘Vanessa …’ He swallows.

This wasn’t the deal, and he thought she knew that.

It was supposed to be a bit of fun, thrilling and exciting.

Something to lighten the load he had to bear at home.

A slip back into the way things used to be, before kids and mortgages and a wife who couldn’t stand to even look at him, and he thought Vanessa felt the same way.

‘Look, you know things aren’t that simple.

I have a family, a whole life—’

‘I know that, I know.’ Vanessa’s voice is thick, and Pete prays she isn’t going to cry.

‘I can’t help how I feel!

I thought I could just have some fun, but it turns out …

’ She shrugs, looking defeated.

‘I can’t. This is more to me than just a fling, Pete.

’ Vanessa slides from the bed, pulling a silky kimono around her shoulders.

Fuck. All Pete can feel is panic, buzzing through his veins.

This wasn’t meant to happen.

‘This is … Look, you know I think you’re great, and we have got history together, you’re right, but this isn’t a long-term thing, I thought you knew that.

’

Vanessa’s face darkens and Pete feels a mild stirring of panic.

Maybe Vanessa didn’t know it was temporary?

But Pete thought they were both on the same page.

She said she wanted fun and adventure, not marriage and babies.

‘How can you say that, Pete? I thought …’ Vanessa’s face crumples, and Pete feels like an absolute shit .

‘Haven’t things been amazing between us?

I thought you realised you’d made a mistake with Natalie.

That we were going to be together.

’

‘Ness, I never said that.’ And he hadn’t.

But now he thinks about things, maybe he should have been blunt and honest with Vanessa from the get-go and then maybe he wouldn’t be in this position now.

He thinks back over some of the things Vanessa has said over the past few weeks.

The pressure she’s put him on to stay longer, even though she knows Natalie and the kids are waiting for him at home.

The hints at mini-breaks in the summer; the way she’s always free no matter how much they have on at work, and how she has so easily slipped back into affectionate ways with him, as if he’d never left her at all.

Things that he has all conveniently ignored, just so he can slide into her bed feeling, if not guilt-free, then at least less guilty.

Pete follows her lead, slipping from the bed and reaching for his clothes.

He feels oddly vulnerable, even though he is the one who has just broken Vanessa’s heart.

‘Vanessa, I love my wife and kids – I know I’ve said some things I probably shouldn’t, but I really do love them, they’re my world.

’ He reaches down and pulls on his jeans, tugs his T-shirt over his head.

‘Pete, please. We should talk about this. You can’t honestly say you’ve never thought about what it would be like if we were together properly?

’ Vanessa pulls her robe tighter around her shoulders – a robe that a couple of hours ago Pete would have been mad to pull off.

Now, he feels sick as he looks at her, shame and guilt flooding his veins.

Pete can honestly say he’s never thought about being with Vanessa properly.

He’s never once considered giving up Natalie and the kids.

He’s just been a greedy bastard who wanted to have his cake and eat it.

‘I don’t … I don’t think there’s anything to talk about, Ness.

’ Pete pushes his hand through his hair, unable to meet her eyes.

‘We’ve gone into this wanting very differentthings.

’

‘I didn’t,’ she says, tears coursing down her cheeks now.

‘I didn’t go into it thinking anything, Pete.

It just happened , and when I realised, I thought this was it.

’

‘What?’

‘I realised you were everything I’d ever been chasing.

Every man I’d ever dated who didn’t quite match up to my expectations, I’d always thought it was because something about them reminded me of my dad, but in reality, it was just that they weren’t you.

’

‘I’m sorry.’ Pete doesn’t know what else to say.

Christ, I feel sick.

‘I’m not who you think I am, Ness.

I’m not the person you want me to be.

’ He wishes he’d thought this through before just giving in to his animal instincts.

He’d been thinking with his dick, never even considering how far things would go.

‘This can’t … We can’t happen.

’ Panic makes his fingers tremble as he tries to tie the laces on his boots.

‘I have to go. I’m sorry, I’ve made a massive mistake.

I shouldn’t be here, and I can’t see you again.

Not like this.’ Without waiting for a response, and without looking at her, Pete snatches up his phone and wallet and hurries out of the front door.

A journey that usually takes him twenty-five minutes, Pete makes it to his own front door in fifteen, pulling on to the drive and checking his phone.

He has a missed call and three text messages from Vanessa.

Kicking himself for letting things go so far, he deletes the messages unread and blocks her number, before looking up at the dark windows of his own bedroom, where Natalie will be pretending to be asleep.

He can see the soft yellow glow of Zadie’s night light in the window on the other side of the house, and he rubs his hands over his face.

What the hell have I done?