Page 20

Natalie

Natalie wrestles with the baby, trying to pin her down with one hand as she changes her nappy with the other, Erin screaming as though Natalie is murdering her.

‘Erin, please.’ Natalie’s face burns and she feels the prickle of sweat under her arms as the screaming child rolls away, dangerously close to the edge of the changing table.

‘Stop!’ The word rings out harsh in the still air of the bedroom, and Erin obeys for just a moment before the incessant crying starts up again.

Weighty with regret at the way she spoke to Eve, Natalie manages to stuff Erin’s legs back into her clothes and grabs the bottle of milk from the dressing table.

She could be downstairs, having another glass of wine, if she’d let Eve bring Erin up.

But even just the thought of Eve feeding Erin or cooing over the cot makes Natalie’s stomach turn over.

Pete is right, she thinks.

Eve has been too involved since Erin was born – it’s not normal for someone to want to spend as much time at their house as Eve does.

With the bottle jammed firmly into her mouth, Erin is at last blissfully quiet and Natalie closes her eyes, the wine she drank earlier causing the beginning of a headache at her temples.

The peace is interrupted after mere seconds, as the bedroom door is flung wide open, startling Natalie and causing the bottle to slip from Erin’s mouth, bouncing as it hits the floor.

‘Emily, for God’s sake!

’ Natalie bends from the chair to scoop up the bottle, running her thumb over the end to clear any dust before shoving it back in Erin’s mouth before she can cry, with a twinge of guilt.

Back when it had been Emily, Natalie would have made herself make up a fresh, sterilised bottle, but who has time for that any more?

Germs build immune systems, that’s what she’s telling herself.

‘What’s the matter?’

Emily marches into the room, throwing herself on to the bed and glaring at Natalie.

‘Dad. That’s what’s the matter.

’

‘Oh, not about his speech? It was a bit cringey, but he’s proud of you, Em.

That’s all.’

‘Yes, it’s about his bloody speech.

He’s ruined everything.

’ Emily draws in a breath, and Natalie realises she’s been crying.

‘Jake didn’t know I was planning on going to Durham, and now we’ve had a massive fight about it.

’

‘What do you mean he didn’t know?

He didn’t seriously think you were going to hang around here with grades like that?

’ Natalie pauses, her mind racing.

‘Wait. He must have known, he wanted to take you to Durham for the open day. Did you tell him you weren’t going to go?

Bloody hell, Emily, why on earth would you say that to him?

’

‘I didn’t say that – not in so many words.

We talked about me maybe staying and getting a job, but I never said I was actually going to.

’ Emily glowers at her and Natalie looks away, at Erin who sucks greedily at the bottle and yet still manages to kick at Natalie’s arm insistently.

‘Mum, Dad heard us fighting and he threw Jake out of the house. He’s left and now it’s all over.

’ Her voice rises to a wail that makes Natalie want to stick her fingers in her ears like a child.

‘I’m sure it’ll all blow over,’ Natalie says.

‘You should have told Jake you were definitely going to university. It was probably a bit of a shock to the poor lad if you’d told him there was a chance you might not.

’

‘Are you even listening to me?’ Emily’s eyes are ringed with puddles of black mascara, tears rolling down her cheeks.

‘Dad threw Jake out of the party – he told him he “doesn’t belong here”. How do you think that made Jake feel? You know he’s sensitive about the fact he hasn’t got a dad, and his mum doesn’t have much money.

’

From what Natalie has seen of the young man, he doesn’t seem to be sensitive about anything – not for all the times Emily has come home crying about something he said, something he did, some text he’d sent to a girl Emily doesn’t know.

‘If you and Jake were arguing it’s probably best Dad asked him to leave, you don’t want to spoil the party for your guests.

’ Natalie is too exhausted to feel bad for Jake – by the sounds of it, Pete did the right thing, for once.

‘Do you actually think that’s OK?

For Dad to throw Jake out of his own girlfriend’s party in front of everyone?

How humiliating do you think that was for him?

’ Emily sniffs, rubbing her wrist under one eye to catch the tears glistening on her cheeks.

‘I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s it now, if Jake never speaks to me again.

’

Erin twists her head away from the empty bottle with a high shriek, and Natalie sighs internally, before lifting her and placing her over one shoulder to be winded.

‘Emily, I know you think this is the end of the world—’

‘I never said that! But it’s embarrassing for Jake and for me.

And now he’ll dump me, and all my friends are going to think I’m some saddo whose dad is an actual psychopath.

’ Another tear slides down Emily’s cheek.

‘This was supposed to be a celebration and now everything is ruined.’

‘Oh, for God’s sake, Emily,’ Natalie snaps, the final gossamer threads of her patience worn through.

‘It isn’t, believe it or not.

Jake is not the love of your life, no matter how you think you feel right now.

There’ll be a time in the future when you won’t even remember what he looks like.

You probably won’t even remember his surname – and if you do, you’ll think thank God my dad threw him out of the party that day, I had a lucky escape .

’

Emily’s mouth drops open, but Natalie is on a roll now.

‘You might think you’re an adult, Emily, but you’re still a child.

Jake is the first boyfriend you’ve had, but he certainly won’t be the last, mark my words, and if you think your dad and I would let you throw away your future on a kid like that then you’re sorely mistaken.

’ Emily opens her mouth to speak, but Natalie carries on, raising her voice over the music floating up from the garden through the open window.

‘I have spent a lot of time preparing this party for you, so I suggest you show some gratitude and get back downstairs to your guests.’ Natalie can feel her pulse at the base of her throat, her heart banging hard against her ribcage as Erin belches, and then begins to squirm in her arms again.

Silence fills the room as Emily stares at her mother, her mouth twisted into a petulant pout.

‘I can’t believe you,’ she says, her voice a venomous whisper.

‘I can’t wait to go to university, can’t wait to get away from this house, and from you, you …

bitch .’

As Emily storms out of the bedroom, Natalie sinks back into the feeding chair, her face stinging as though Emily’s words have slapped her.

She’s fought with Emily before, of course she has – what mother hasn’t with a teenage girl?

– but something about this feels different.

Emily has never sworn at Natalie before, and there is something distasteful in the flavour of Natalie’s remaining anger.

The realisation that she could have quite happily slapped Emily’s mouth, if she hadn’t had her hands full.

Before Natalie can even begin to try and calm down, Erin lets out the familiar grumble signalling a screaming fit, and then the bedroom door creaks open again and Zadie’s worried face appears.

‘Mummy? Mum?’

‘Yes, Zade.’ Natalie sighs as she begins to rock a fractious Erin, praying that she can get her off to sleep before the party is over completely.

‘Shoes off, please.’

‘They’re clean.

’ Zadie looks down at her feet.

‘I don’t care, Zade.

No shoes upstairs, you know the rules.

’

‘I don’t feel well.

’ Zadie kicks off her shoes and creeps across the carpet, and as she reaches Natalie, she puts a hand on her knee to pull herself into Natalie’s lap.

‘No, Zadie, get off.’ Natalie puts out a hand, pushing gently at Zadie’s shoulder.

‘You can see I’m trying to get Erin to sleep.

’

Zadie’s dark eyes fill and Natalie wants to groan aloud.

‘But I don’t feel well, Mum, I’ve been telling you all day.

’

‘Go downstairs and see Dad, he’ll give you some Calpol.

’

Zadie begins to grizzle, that droning grumble that used to get under Natalie’s skin even when she was tiny.

Thrusting out her hands, she attempts to push her way into Natalie’s lap, knocking against Erin, who lets out a startled squawk.

‘I feel sick, Mummy. Like, really, really sick.’

Allowing Zadie to climb into the tiny space that Erin leaves on her lap, Natalie reaches out and presses her hand to Zadie’s forehead.

‘You don’t have a temperature.

You probably just need something to eat, Zade, that’s all.

Go and see Dad, he’ll do you a plate.

’ Natalie half wants to suggest seeing Eve, as she knows Zadie will eat whatever Eve gives her, but everything still feels too raw.

‘I don’t want to eat,’ Zadie pouts.

‘I already told you, I feel sick. I don’t want any food!

You don’t even care I feel sick!

’

Oh, for fuck’s sake .

Natalie can feel her own temper rising again.

Where the hell is Pete?

Why does he get to sit downstairs, drinking beer and talking shit with neighbours they barely know, when all Natalie wants to do is pour herself another glass of wine and be allowed to be an actual adult for ten minutes?

‘Don’t be so silly. If you feel that poorly, you need to miss the rest of the party and go to bed,’ Natalie snaps, gently removing Zadie from her lap and getting to her feet.

Zadie tumbles dramatically to the floor, and opens her mouth to scream.

‘Don’t you dare ,’ Natalie hisses, Erin now sleeping peacefully in her arms. She swears if Zadie yells and wakes the baby up she is liable to do murders.

‘Don’t you dare start that, Zadie.

I’m warning you.’

Zadie pouts, an almost comical downturn of her mouth, before she gets to her feet and runs out of the bedroom.

Moments later, Natalie winces as she hears the door to Zadie’s bedroom slam closed.

Moving cautiously to the cot, Natalie gently stoops and places Erin in, holding her breath as she steps away.

Erin stirs and Natalie freezes, her heart sinking, before she settles again and Natalie is safe to step away.

Hot, sweaty, and with the thumping headache that only another glass of wine will cure, Natalie lowers herself back into the nursing chair.

How is this her life?

She blinks, not wanting to allow the tears that ache behind her eyes to escape.

Her eldest child thinks she’s a bitch.

Her middle child accused her of not caring that she feels ill – always such a drama queen, that girl – and wildly prefers Natalie’s best friend to her.

Her youngest child seemingly can’t bear to be around her.

Her husband can’t even be arsed to come home on time from work, and when he does come home all he does is make demands on her, never once thinking that perhaps all she wants is a bit of peace and fucking quiet.

Her bones ache with exhaustion; there never seems to be enough time for sleep, for a shower, for five minutes by herself.

From the cot comes a sucking sound as Erin places her thumb in her mouth in her sleep, and once again Natalie freezes, afraid she’ll wake up.

Is this really her life?

Tiptoeing around on eggshells in case she upsets one of them?

Sitting back in the chair, Natalie covers her eyes with her hands and allows herself the tiny luxury of imagining a life without any of them.

A life where none of them exist, and she can finally be left alone.

A life where she can read a book, lie in the bath uninterrupted for an hour, go for long hikes, drink coffee until ten o’clock at night if that’s what she wants, knowing there is no one and nothing to get up for in the morning.

Wouldn’t it all just be so much easier, if she didn’t have them to cater to?

Guilt burrows its way under her skin at the thought.

It wasn’t always this difficult.

If she’s brutally honest, it’s only been the last year or so that everything has felt quite so overwhelming.

Peering between her fingers at the cot, at Erin’s sleeping form, a tiny mound covered with a thin blanket, Natalie sighs as the truth twists deep in her gut.

Wouldn’t it all be so much easier if Erin had never been born?