Page 10

Natalie

Natalie understands why some women do a moonlight flit, she thinks, trying to ignore Erin as she screams from her cot.

She wonders what would happen if she drove her car to Beachy Head and left her phone and wallet on the cliff edge before vanishing into the ether.

Would that eventually make Erin stop crying?

Would anyone in this house even notice?

The mountain of laundry on the bed in front of her doesn’t seem to be getting any smaller as she sorts and folds, Erin’s cries scraping over her skin like nails on a chalkboard.

After folding Zadie’s T-shirts into Emily’s pile for the third time, Natalie throws the laundry onto the bed and moves to the cot, gripping the rails until her knuckles turn white.

‘Stop. Please, stop,’ she hisses through gritted teeth as Erin cries on and on, kicking her legs furiously.

‘What do you want? I’ve done everything .

’ Natalie has been awake since five o’clock, after getting up three times in the night to Erin.

She’s fed her, burped her, changed her nappy and even tried bathing her in an attempt to calm her down but still, every time Natalie thinks she might have dropped off, she starts to grizzle again.

Natalie doesn’t even want to have the windows open now, despite the warmth of the day, worrying about what the neighbours might think of the incessant crying.

She leans down and picks Erin up again, laying her on the changing mat to check her nappy for the third time and rub some baby Bonjela on her gums.

Saturdays never used to be like this, Natalie thinks, as she picks Erin up and begins to pace the bedroom, jiggling her in her arms. Before, when they were still at uni, Natalie always looked forward to Saturday.

She and Pete would wake late in the morning, both of them fuzzy-headed from the night before.

They’d sleep in, have lazy hangover sex, stop at the café for a fry-up, and then head back into town in the early evening to meet friends for cheap cocktails and a kebab on the way home.

Now, Zadie is at a friend’s house for a sleepover (please, God, she doesn’t wet the bed there), Pete is – surprise, surprise – at work, and Emily is out with Jake at the cinema, even though, once again, Natalie had found herself pressing the importance of Emily’s looming exams on her.

Emily has assured Natalie she is prepared for her exam on Monday, and to be honest, today Natalie just couldn’t find the energy for yet another row over it all.

‘So, it’s not OK for me to go out on a date with my boyfriend, because I’m meant to be studying,’ Emily had thrown the words at Natalie earlier this morning, ‘but it’s OK for me to spend hours walking Erin around town in her pram so you can have a bit of peace?

Yeah, that’s fair, isn’t it?

’

Natalie had felt sick at the words, knowing deep down that Emily had a point.

Sometimes she did ask Emily to take Zadie out to play in the woods, or to walk Erin around town just so Natalie could have half an hour to get on top of things – to feel as though she wasn’t about to lose her mind.

So, instead of another argument, she had just sighed and nodded, flinching when the door slammed closed behind Emily.

Erin continues to cry – an angry shriek that Natalie swears could be used as a torture device – and she flips her over, dangling the baby along one arm on her stomach.

Tiger in a tree, Natalie thinks it’s called.

The sure-fire pose to get a baby off to sleep, whether they’re windy, colicky or just plain tired: that’s what she’s read.

But still, Erin doesn’t stop, and Natalie jiggles her harder.

Where the fuck is Pete?

She honestly can’t believe that anything at work could be more important than spending time at home.

He’s never here lately, that bloody construction site taking up every minute of his day.

Pete has always had a good work ethic – it’s one of the things she loves about him – but just lately she never sees him.

He used to come home late once or twice a week, maybe, but never later than seven o’clock, and even then he’d still sneak up and make sure he tucked Zadie in.

Recently, though, he’s been coming home long after she’s gone to sleep (for that brief respite Erin allows her between ten and midnight), three or four times a week, and for the last two weeks, it’s been Saturday mornings, too.

Natalie can’t take it any more.

Erin’s wails grow louder, and she feels it.

That sickening, overwhelming urge to shake her.

Just once. Just enough to stop the incessant noise for one moment.

Her throat closing over, her stomach rolling, Natalie lays Erin in the cot with rather more force than she should and hurries from the bedroom, closing the door tightly behind her.

She fumbles in her pocket for her phone and dials, feeling breathless with fear and disgust at herself.

‘Hello?’

‘Eve?’ Natalie can barely speak, the words snagging painfully in the back of her throat.

‘Eve, please can you come? I need you.’

Natalie sits at the bottom of the stairs, her head in her hands as Eve steps through the front door moments later.

She must have run from her own house two streets away, cutting through the woods to get to Natalie this quickly.

Overhead, muted cries come from the bedroom, furious and insistent.

‘Nat? Oh, God, Nat, what’s happened?

Are you OK?’ Eve comes to crouch beside Natalie on the stairs as she raises her tear-stained face.

‘She won’t stop,’ she says blankly.

‘The baby. She just won’t stop crying, Eve.

I’m at my wits’ end.

’

‘Where’s Pete? At the pub?

Or sleeping it off upstairs?

’ Eve looks up, as if Pete will magically appear in the hallway.

‘Work. Where else?’

‘’Course he is.

’ Eve’s tone is dry.

‘Don’t you wonder what he’s up to, being gone for fourteen hours a day?

’

‘He’s working ,’ Natalie says, her chest aching.

‘That’s all he ever does at the moment.

Although I don’t blame him for not wanting to come home to all this.

Sorry, Eve, for pulling you away from your weekend.

I forgot you were meant to be meeting Kate for a drink today.

’

‘I cancelled that. We had a bit of a tiff the last time we went out, and I’m done with her.

I did tell you that the other night.

’ Eve stands and pulls Natalie to her feet.

‘Right, you’re going back to bed.

’

‘No, I—’

‘ Natalie . You’re going back to bed.

Where are Emily and Zadie?

’ She listens as Natalie tells her.

‘I’m going to take care of Miss Erin, and you’re going to get some sleep.

’ Eve’s voice softens.

‘You can’t carry on like this, Nat, and I wouldn’t be much of a friend if I let you.

’

Natalie allows Eve to lead her upstairs, wincing as the bedroom door opens and Erin’s wails hit her ears.

Without fuss or bustle, Eve leans down into the cot and picks Erin up, pointing at the bed.

‘Sleep, now. I mean it. I’ll wake you up this afternoon.

’

Natalie hears Eve murmuring to Erin as she makes her way downstairs, and then it’s as though a light is switched off and she falls into oblivion.

She wakes some time later, her pulse racing as she tries to piece together the remnants of a dream – something dark and unsettling that’s left her with a dry mouth.

Despite the dream, she feels refreshed and she reaches across the bed to where Pete lies, only her hand meets dead air.

Pete isn’t here. Pete’s at work.

The baby. Eve came over to look after the baby.

Sliding out of bed, Natalie swigs from the stale glass of water on the bedside table and then moves to the bedroom door.

As she opens it and steps out on to the landing, something feels wrong.

Off, somehow. She pauses at the top of the stairs, trying to put her finger on what feels different, her heart leaping into her mouth as she realises.

The house is silent.

There is no crying from Erin.

There is no sound of the television chattering away to itself, no movement coming from the kitchen.

No Eve. No Erin.

On wobbly legs, Natalie makes her way downstairs.

Peering into the sitting room, she sees the throw blankets that Zadie likes to snuggle under, even on warm days, are neatly folded on the arm of the couch.

Natalie’s empty mug from this morning is no longer on the coffee table.

In the kitchen the bin has been emptied, the post neatly stacked and the jumble of baby bottles that were lying in the sink, waiting to be washed, are gone.

Not for the first time after one of Eve’s visits, Natalie feels the disturbing sensation that she’s woken up in someone else’s house.

Someone else’s life.

There is no sign of Eve or Erin, or indeed any sign they were ever here at all.

‘Eve?’ Maybe they’re in the garden, but even as Natalie moves to the back door she knows they’re not there.

She pulls out her mobile and dials Eve’s number.

It goes straight to voicemail, a robotic voice telling her to leave a message.

Natalie moves back through the house, the feeling that something is wrong growing ever more insistent, the silence growing thicker and thicker until it threatens to suffocate her.

In the hallway, she pauses, her hand going to her mouth.

Erin’s pram is gone, and so is the changing bag Natalie leaves beside it.

Erin’s raincoat is missing, too, even though it’s blue skies and sunshine outside.

A stirring of panic uncoils in Natalie’s stomach and she remembers the broken fragment of her dream.

Someone had come in the house and taken the baby.

Feeling nauseous, Natalie dials Eve’s number again, but once again it rings out and goes to voicemail.

With shaking hands, Natalie calls Pete.

‘Come on, come on,’ she mutters under her breath as she paces the hallway, willing him to pick up.

It rings out, Pete’s chirpy voicemail greeting meeting her ear, and she jabs at the screen to hang up.

Where would Eve go ?

It’s not as though she knows where to take a six-month-old baby.

What if something happens?

Does Eve know the name of Erin’s doctor?

A tornado whips up inside Natalie – a whirl of panic and fear and something else she can’t describe – and she shoves her feet into a pair of Emily’s trainers, ready to head out and look for her child.

As she reaches the front door, it swings open and Eve stands there, Erin sleeping peacefully in the pram in front of her, looking every inch the doting mum that Natalie wishes she was.

‘Where have you been? I’ve been going frantic.

’ Natalie stands to one side as Eve carefully bumps the pram over the threshold and wheels it into the hallway, all while Erin slumbers on.

‘Shhhh, don’t wake her.

She’s so tired, poor thing.

’ Eve fusses with the pram, rearranging the blankets and tucking the changing bag underneath.

‘I took her for a walk to settle her – it took a while but she’s fast asleep now.

’ Natalie steps aside as Eve pulls Erin’s raincoat out and hangs it up.

‘I didn’t know if it would rain, but it’s beautiful out.

How are you feeling now?

’

‘Better. Thanks.’ Natalie was feeling better when she woke up, but right now she doesn’t know how to feel.

Part of her is grateful to Eve for giving her a few hours’ peace to catch up on her sleep.

Another part of her is filled with a white-hot resentment at being shushed over her own baby.

Yet another part of her feels inadequate and useless at Eve managing to take better care of Erin than she can herself.

She swallows down all these feelings and takes the changing bag out from under the pram, hanging it in its usual place.

‘See, I told you all you needed was a good rest,’ Eve says, oblivious to the tangled emotions running through Natalie’s body.

‘But honestly, Nat, you can’t carry on this way.

Did you book that GP appointment?

’

‘Not yet.’ She keeps meaning to, but everything is so overwhelming at the moment, it just feels like another job to do.

‘You need to, Nat. You promised you would.’ Eve gives her a long look as she steps over the threshold, out onto the front path.

‘It’s not fair on you to keep struggling on, and it’s not fair on the rest of the family to have to watch you struggle.

’

‘I said I’ll do it.

’ The resentment is rising, threatening to bubble up and over, and Natalie takes a step back, preparing to close thedoor.

‘Good. Let me know what the doctor says.’ Eve reaches out and squeezes her hand.

‘And if Erin ever gets in that state again, you know where I am. She loved having a little walk. I took her out to the park and we fed the ducks. Have you not taken her before? She was so excited when they all came running over to her when they realised we had bread. And then she got fussed over by an old couple. They said they were missing their grandchildren. All the excitement must have worn her out. After that, she went right off to sleep.’ Eve looks down into the pram at Erin, her face almost glowing.

‘I’m always happy to do it.

’

‘Of course.’ Natalie forces a smile, the last shreds of any rest and relaxation vanishing into thin air.

Eve’s outing with Erin sounds completely foreign to Natalie, and she feels it again – the sharp, rusty lick of envy.

‘Thanks again.’

Closing the door, Natalie leans her forehead against the cool wood with a sigh before turning to the sleeping baby in the pram.

She looks angelic, her dark hair curling gently against her forehead – so thick!

She gets it from Pete – and her lips pouting into a tiny pink rosebud.

Natalie fights back the tears that tighten her throat, too afraid to lean in and scoop the baby into her arms in case she wakes her.

Instead, she leans over the pram, close enough for her breath to stir the curl on Erin’s forehead.

‘Why do you hate me?’ she asks, in a broken whisper.