Page 18

Natalie

Natalie feels herself tense as Pete leans in for a dramatic kiss, forcing herself to relax and return his affection, aware that their entire group of friends and family – and even the old people from across the street; Pete really went to town with the invitations – are watching.

As Pete tells her he loves her, all she can hear is the sound of Erin grizzling in the arms of someone else in the crowd, an insistent cry that burrows its way deep under her skin, like the sting of a mosquito.

Finally, he lets her go and she pastes on a smile as she stumbles from the garden chair and snatches up her half-drunk wine, Erin’s wails growing louder.

‘Brilliant speech, eh, Nat?’ Stu grabs her arm as she moves towards Erin, pulling her towards him for a hug.

‘So bloody proud of Em and I’m just her godfather!

You two must be so chuffed.

’

‘Over the moon,’ Natalie says, her eyes running over the crowd as she spots Erin, her cries turning into full-blown wails.

She’s in the arms of Gina, a woman Natalie has worked with for years, but who doesn’t have children and looks wildly uncomfortable as Erin squirms in her arms. ‘Sorry, Stu, I have to …’ Natalie gives him a brief smile and hurries towards her crying baby, resentment burning in her veins.

Pete is talking to one of his drinking buddies, letting rip a bubbling chain of laughter, seemingly unaware that Erin is crying, and Natalie necks the wine in her glass, a muttered ‘for fuck’s sake’ slipping from between her lips.

For a moment – just a brief, tiny moment – Natalie had almost felt content at this party.

She’s been funny and engaging, making small talk with their guests (even the random old people) with no problem at all as she sips on wine, while Erin is passed around from guest to guest, each of them cooing over her thick, dark hair, and the fact that she’s so good, what a good baby .

She had felt, for a short time, like her old self.

Like the Natalie who enjoyed dressing up and putting a bit of make-up on, who enjoyed laughing at other people’s not-funny anecdotes while sipping on cold white wine.

For just a moment, the burden of responsibility had been lifted from Natalie’s shoulders as other people stepped in to look after Erin, but now it’s back, like a lead blanket, and she can’t stop the bitterness flooding her body as she makes her way towards her crying child while her husband – who just professed his love for her and their perfect children – drinks pretentious IPA and pretends he can’t hear the wailing.

‘Gina, I’m so sorry, Erin’s well overdue her nap.

’ Natalie has to raise her voice over Erin’s ear-splitting cries.

‘Let me take her.’ She holds out her arms as Gina wrestles with an angry Erin, trying not to feel offended at the relief on the woman’s face as she surrenders the baby.

‘Nat?’ Eve appears at her side, peering at Erin.

‘Oh darling, what’s the matter?

’ She pulls a silly face that Erin pauses in her screaming to stare at, and then turns to Natalie.

‘Here, let me take her.’ She holds out her arms.

‘No, it’s OK.

’ Natalie feels her arms tighten instinctively around Erin’s hot, frantic body as she lets out another shriek.

‘Come on, Nat, don’t be silly.

’ Eve gestures, flicking her fingers in a ‘come here’ motion.

‘Let me take her up for you, the poor thing is exhausted.’

‘I know she is,’ Natalie says through gritted teeth, as Gina and several others look on.

‘I’m taking her up for a sleep now.

’

‘You don’t want to miss the party, though,’ Eve says, her hands reaching out and seizing Erin around her chubby waist. She gives a tug, as if to wrestle Erin out of Natalie’s arms. ‘I can take her up for you, and then you can stay down here with your guests, have another drink. It’s not like I don’t know how to get her off to sleep.

’

Natalie’s grip tightens and she twists slightly, angling Erin away from Eve, who clings on.

Erin’s face is red and sweaty, and Natalie’s anger is a white-hot wall of rage that washes over her, making her vision dapple with black spots for a moment, as even Erin seems to sense it and take a break from her yelling.

‘Excuseme?’

‘I just meant—’

‘I know what you meant.’ Natalie’s voice is ice-cold, and her skin still smarts from the sting of Eve returning home with a sleeping Erin in the pram, that day when Natalie came so close to shaking the baby.

Her eyes go to Eve’s hands, still holding stubbornly on to Erin’s waist. ‘But I am more than capable of taking my own child up to bed, Eve, even though I know you don’t believe that, and I’d appreciate it if you would let go of mydaughter.

’

‘Nat, please, that wasn’t what I …

’ Eve’s hands drop to her sides.

‘Just back off, Eve, I said I can do it. Erin is my daughter, not yours, and I am more than capable of taking care of her.’ Natalie turns to Gina, whose face burns red as she stares down at her glass.

‘I’m sure Gina and the others will understand if I have to step away from the party for a short while.

’

Eve’s face is bleached of colour, her eyes wide.

‘Nat, I was just trying to help, that’s all.

’

‘Did it ever occur to you that perhaps I don’t always want your help?

’ Natalie is conveniently forgetting the times she has called Eve to come over when Erin just won’t stop crying and Pete is nowhere to be found.

All she can see is Eve’s smug face as she bumped a sleeping Erin over the threshold, the way she told Natalie to shush so as not to wake her.

Eve, preparing a plate of pasta that Zadie wolfed down in minutes after days of not eating for Natalie.

Eve, walking around town with Erin in the pushchair, as other people watch and think she is Erin’s mother.

‘I know you’ve been cancelling your clients to come here instead, and it’s too much.

You’re not helping me, Eve, you’re smothering me.

When I told you I didn’t know what I would do without you, it wasn’t an invitation for you to step in and take over my life.

’

‘Jesus Christ, Natalie.’ Eve chokes the words out, shaking her head as her face twists with an expression, something raw and broken, that Natalie has never witnessed on her before.

‘I’m Erin’s mother, Eve, not you.

This is my family, not yours.

’ Aware that she is a little drunk, her anger forcing the acidic white wine straight to her head, Natalie grimaces some semblance of a smile at her other guests.

‘If you’ll excuse me.

’ And she sweeps away towards the patio doors just as Erin takes up her screaming again.

As she reaches the house, Natalie glances back to see Eve’s shocked face, one hand pressed to her mouth.

At the other end of the garden Pete stands with Emily and Jake, completely unaware of his crying child and the events that have just taken place, and Natalie feels the swell of nausea in her belly.

Making her way upstairs, she’s not sure if it’s resentment or regret, or just a horrible sense of foreboding, making her chest feel tight and her head feel heavy, but one thing she does know is that she can’t wait for this party to be over.