Page 39

Natalie

Eve’s tail lights long gone in the distance, Natalie hurries back inside the hospital on unsteady feet, the smell of old dinners and disinfectant making her feel queasy.

Eve was definitely being shady about Pete , she thinks as the lift ascends slowly back to the third floor.

Why else would she ask where Pete was when Erin went missing ?

Something about it feels off to Natalie, but she can’t put her finger on it and she presses her hands over her eyes.

It feels as if Eve wants Natalie to think that Pete did this.

Is Eve trying to cover her own tracks by placing the blame on Pete?

Or does Eve think that if Pete is out of the picture, I’ll draw her into our family as a substitute for him?

Natalie doesn’t know where Pete was when Erin disappeared, but she doesn’t know where Eve was either.

She isn’t even sure where she herself was when Erin was taken from her cot, and the drugs mixed with the wine have left her cotton-mouthed and vague.

That, and the fear that in that short space of time where her memory is fragmented and patchy, she did something so awful she’s blocked it out completely.

Natalie has to focus on Erin now – on being the mother that Erin deserves.

She steps out of the lift, heading towards the room where Erin was before, but it’s empty.

Erin is still down for her ultrasound, so Natalie heads for the waiting room and pushes the door open, expecting to see Pete sitting on a chair in front of her.

‘Where is Pete? Has he not come back yet?’ Worry gnaws at Natalie’s insides as she opens the door to see only the police officer, the cold cup of hot chocolate on the table.

Are the police still questioning him?

The butterflies become a swarm, the anxiety almost painful.

Why would they still be questioning Pete if he hadn’t done anything wrong?

‘Mrs Maxwell?’ The police officer is watching her with concern.

‘I said Mr Maxwell did come back here, and I told him you’d stepped out for some fresh air.

I assumed he went outside to find you.

Did you not catch up with him outside?

’

‘No.’ Natalie frowns.

She had expected Pete to be here waiting for her, waiting for news of Erin.

She supposes it’s possible that they could have missed each other in the lifts, but even so she would have thought he’d be back by now.

‘Maybe he’s gone for a cigarette,’ she says, pulling her phone out of the pocket of her sundress.

Pete thinks she doesn’t know that he still sneaks the odd fag, but of course, she does.

She only wishes she’d been a bit more alert to all the other things he’s been hiding from her.

She jabs at the phone screen, dialling his number, but when the call connects it’s to voicemail.

‘Shit.’ Fury at Pete and panic over Erin combine to leave Natalie jittery and on edge.

How fucking difficult is it for Pete to answer his phone?

A seed of doubt begins to grow in her mind, fertilised by Eve’s comments.

Pete wouldn’t, would he?

His daughter is lying in hospital; surely he wouldn’t …

That now-familiar rage bubbles up at the thought of where Pete could be, and Natalie opens Find My iPhone, hoping to prove herself wrong.

Montpellier Square. The blue dot representing Pete pulses over an old apartment building in Montpellier Square.

Vanessa’s flat . Natalie throws her phone onto the table with a crash, startling the police officer.

How could Pete do this, now of all times?

Natalie feels drained, hollow, as if Pete has ripped all the stuffing out of her, and she covers her face with her hands.

She never knew it was possible to feel this hurt, this broken.

‘Natalie?’ DI Travis’s voice is soft as she peers into the waiting room.

‘Could you come with me, please?’

Natalie looks up, dropping her hands into her lap.

‘Really? Right now? I’m waiting for Erin to come back from her ultrasound and Pete …

’ She swallows, trying to dislodge the lump in her throat.

‘This really won’t take very long.

’

‘You’ve never been in this situation, have you?

’ Natalie feels a surge of inner strength.

This is her child . She needs to be near her.

‘Wouldn’t you want to be near your child at a time like this?

Would you want to be answering questions?

’

DI Travis’s face is blank.

‘Like I said, it won’t take long, and I’m sure you’d rather do it here, than down at the station.

’

Natalie nods and swipes her hands over her face, slicking away tears before she follows Travis to an office further down the corridor.

Another police officer sits on the other side of the desk, and he stands as Natalie enters, introducing himself as DSHaynes.

‘I want to go back to the beginning,’ Travis says, ‘to when Erin was first born. I understand you struggled a bit with adjusting to having a third baby.’

Is that what Pete told them?

Natalie sits forward, arranging her hands neatly in her lap under the table.

‘It was difficult, yes,’ she says.

‘I suppose I didn’t realise how much of an impact it would have on the family, going from two children to three.

’ Natalie finds herself picking at her nails under the table.

‘Erin doesn’t sleep very much.

I struggled with that – with the exhaustion.

’

Travis nods as if she understands, and Natalie remembers her saying in the car that she had a young daughter.

‘Natalie, let’s talk about post-natal depression.

I understand that was a big part of this for you.

Did you suffer from it before, when you had Emily and Zadie?

’

‘What? I don’t—’

‘How long have you been taking diazepam for?’

Natalie feels a horrifying sensation creeping over her, bringing a chill to her very core.

The chat in the car with DI Travis wasn’t just one older mother to another, sharing their experiences.

It wasn’t Travis being friendly.

It was her feeling Natalie out, trying to judge whether she could have been responsible for this.

‘I don’t know where you’ve got your information,’ Natalie says coldly, ‘but I am not suffering from post-natal depression. I’ve been a bit low, yes, but that’s exhaustion, not depression.

Anyone would struggle to cope on two or three hours’ sleep a night.

’

‘And the diazepam?’ Travis gives nothing away as she glances at her colleague and then back to Natalie.

‘Forgive my ignorance, Natalie, but I’m sure the doctor wouldn’t usually prescribe that just for exhaustion.

’

‘I didn’t take them,’ Natalie says.

‘Four tablets are missing from the blister pack we found in the bathroom.’ Travis’s tone has lost any hint of warmth, and Natalie can feel the glacial chill radiating from her.

‘If you didn’t take them, who did?

’

‘No, I did take them.’ Natalie feels tongue-tied, as if the detective is trying to trip her up.

‘I flushed two of the tablets away ages ago. I did take those other two tablets, but I never took any before today, that’s what I meant.

You can check the prescription – it hasn’t been refilled.

’ She pauses, her throat thickening.

‘I only took them tonight because … because I found out Pete had been sleeping with Vanessa. I’d also had an argument this evening with Eve, over the way she was with Erin.

’ Had it really only been a few hours ago that Pete was standing on a rickety garden chair, making his ridiculous speech?

Had it really only been a few hours since everything had come tumbling down?

‘Everything felt overwhelming, and seeing as everyone – Eve, the doctor – had been on at me to take them, telling me I would feel better if I did, I thought I might as well.’

DI Travis nods, steepling her hands under her chin.

‘Of course, Natalie, I understand. Having a young baby can be very overwhelming on its own, and with everything else that happened at the party …’ She pauses for a moment.

‘Tell me, Natalie. Have you ever felt at any point as though you might want to harm Erin?’

Natalie’s mouth falls open, but no words come out.

What can she say? There was that terrible phone call to Eve – one she wishes she’d never made.

She’d been terrified that day, afraid of herself and her own actions.

Has Eve told them about the phone call?

About the way Natalie had cried down the phone, begging Eve to come over before she did something she would regret?

‘Natalie?’

‘No.’ She shakes her head violently, shaking away the thoughts of the phone call, of the hours she can’t seem to recall tonight.

‘I wouldn’t … I could never.

’

DI Travis doesn’t respond; instead she jots a note in her sprawling, spidery writing in the notebook as Natalie watches, gooseflesh rising on her arms at the horrifying realisation that there is every possibility the detective thinks Natalie is the one to have abducted Erin.

‘I can’t believe you could even ask me that.

’ Natalie forces the words out, her throat dry.

‘I don’t understand how any parent could hurt their child, and I could never hurt Erin.

She’s … She’s just a baby.

’ She can feel a pulse at her temple, an insistent beat thudding in time with the headache tightening across the back of her skull.

She wouldn’t hurt Erin; she couldn’t.

But even as she says it, Natalie thinks about the phone call she made to Eve that awful day, about the way just for a moment she could have easily picked Erin up and shaken her.

‘It’s more common than people realise,’ Haynes says, his tone sombre.

Natalie feels the sting of his words like tiny needles under her skin.

‘I’m not like those people,’ she says.

‘I’m not a bad person.

’ She looks at DI Travis, holding her gaze in what she hopes is a clear and open ( innocent ) way.

‘You must understand, you have a young child. It’s exhausting, and sometimes it can be very, very difficult, but that doesn’t mean—’

‘Isolating, too,’ Travis says.

‘Did you feel isolated, Natalie? After all, Pete was at work – or so he said – such long hours, and you were left with the baby all day and most evenings.’

‘I didn’t …

I mean, I was lonely.

Sometimes.’ The words taste bitter on her tongue.

She had been lonely, and there were times when she had thought that perhaps if she hadn’t continued with her pregnancy then she wouldn’t feel this way.

‘I didn’t feel isolated, though.

Not really. I had Eve, and Emily was home a lot during her study leave, and then after her exams.’

‘Let’s talk about Emily.

’

‘What about her?’ Natalie’s chin lifts, a rush of maternal energy running through her at the thought of her eldest child.

‘She has nothing to do with this.’

‘What’s your relationship like with Emily?

How do you get along?

’ DI Travis watches Natalie curiously, as if expecting her to crumble.

‘Lord knows I’m not looking forward to my daughter reaching her teenage years – she’s headstrong enough already.

’

‘Our relationship is fine,’ Natalie says, hesitantly.

‘We’ve always been close.

’ And they were. Before, anyway.

‘She doesn’t resent you for having another baby?

I should imagine it was a big upheaval for her, what with her A levels and applying for university.

’

‘No, of course she doesn’t.

’ Natalie can feel her blood pressure rise, anger flushing her cheeks.

‘Emily isn’t like that.

’

‘Really?’ Travis sits back in her chair, an unimpressed look on her face.

‘Only, the two of you were overheard arguing upstairs, when you went to put Erin to bed. She told you she wasn’t here to look after the baby only you wanted, or words to that effect.

Isn’t that right?’

‘Well—’

‘What was it that pushed Emily over the edge tonight, Natalie?’

‘The edge? She wasn’t pushed over the edge .

’ The fury washing over Natalie creates a red mist, blinding her for a moment.

Who does this woman think she is?

‘How dare you.’ Her voice is icy despite the heat raging in her veins.

‘Yes, Emily and I have had words before over her looking after Erin, but she’s got nothing to do with this.

She loves Erin, and she’s been nothing but helpful in the months since she’s been born.

Of course she’s going to feel resentful sometimes – what child doesn’t when they have a new sibling?

But Emily and I are closer than we’ve ever been and nothing is going to change that.

’ Natalie’s throat is thick with unshed tears, an aching in her chest signalling the start of a tremendous crying jag if she can’t keep herself together for just a little bit longer.

‘It just seems an odd time, that’s all.

For a row like that.

At a party. For Emily.

’ Travis gives nothing away, her face a blank canvas.

‘She called you a bitch, Natalie. That tells me she was pretty upset, and it was all over Erin. What was it that triggered her? Was Erin crying again? Was Erin taking up all of your attention, when it should have been Emily’s day?

’

‘Yes … no. No . It wasn’t just about Erin, Emily was just …

being a teenager. Of course she didn’t want to look after her baby sister all the time – what teenager does?

But the argument at the party, it wasn’t only about Erin.

’

‘She told you she couldn’t wait to get away, isn’t that right?

Emily told you she couldn’t wait to leave your house for good,’ Travis presses on, as Natalie feels a crushing sensation in her chest. ‘Maybe Emily just couldn’t take it any more, the constant pressure on her to pick up your slack.

Emily was happier before Erin was born, wasn’t she, Natalie?

’

‘No. No, that’s not true.

’ Natalie shakes her head, her heart in her mouth because even as she speaks, she knows what DI Travis is saying is true.

Emily was happier before Erin came along, but they can’t honestly think Emily would do this?

‘You can’t … You can’t think …

’ Natalie tries to draw in a breath but she can’t, as a thick, gulping sob erupts from her chest, hollowing her out.

Emily would never hurt Erin.

Natalie knows that as sure as she knows her own name.

Someone heard Emily and me arguing in the bedroom.

Natalie can’t think who would have been upstairs in order to hear them, and then she remembers the baby monitor.

The police said it had run out of battery, but if it was still working when she and Emily were arguing, any of the guests at the party could have overheard them.

Anyone could have overheard her daughter telling her how much she hates her.

Folding her arms on the table in front of her, Natalie lays her head on them and finally lets the dam of tears break.

Natalie sobs in a way she hasn’t for years – not since her mother and father told her and Pete that if they weren’t going to terminate their pregnancy with Emily, then they didn’t want to see her again.

She had come home that day, back to the poky flat she and Pete had fallen in love with on the outskirts of Maidstone, and cried her heart out in the bathroom, without Pete’s knowledge.

Now she cries until there is nothing left, the ache in her chest is gone and her face is sore and itchy with salt.

Everything is falling apart.

The thought comes like a neon sign, blinking on and off in her head as she reaches for a tissue and blows her nose, patting her face dry, aware of DI Travis scrutinising her every move.

A little over a year ago, everything had been perfect.

Natalie had loved her job, working in HR at a charity.

It didn’t pay a lot, but it meant she could chip in for holidays, and take the kids on days out in half-term.

She and Pete were rock-solid back then.

They were a golden couple, an example to the rest of their friends.

Even Stu and Mari had had hiccups before, but Natalie and Pete had had a smooth run; it was rare for them to even argue.

Emily and Zadie had been happy.

Emily hadn’t hated Natalie – yes, she’d lied to the police officers, she does feel as if Emily hates her right now, but they’ll get over it, they always do – and Zadie wasn’t in trouble at school.

Wasn’t wetting the bed and refusing to eat.

All of it has changed since Erin came along, and if Natalie is brutally honest with herself, she hates her life right now.

‘Do you envy Emily, Natalie?’ Travis speaks, her tone low and serious.

‘Do you wish you could walk away from it all?’

‘No,’ Natalie whispers, her voice hoarse.

But that is another lie.

There have been so many times in the last year when Natalie has wanted to pack her bag and walk out of the door, without even saying goodbye to the rest of them.

How many times has she wondered how long it would take for them to notice she wasn’t there?

Those days when Erin would have her up four or five times during the night, while Pete snored on completely oblivious, and then she would cry all day, no matter what Natalie did to try and soothe her.

Those days, they were the days when Natalie could have walked out and never looked back.

There have been a number of times when Natalie has stood over the cot, willing a restless Erin to please, just go to sleep , wondering why her youngest child hates her so much, a feeling that is only exacerbated by Eve waltzing in the door and getting Erin off to sleep within minutes.

Natalie knows she should feel grateful for the brief respite that Eve’s magic touch brings, but in all honesty, it just makes Natalie feel even more inadequate.

Even more surplus to Erin’s requirements.

And now, Pete. Pete and Vanessa.

Natalie’s mouth fills with saliva and she presses her hand to her lips, suddenly sure she’s going to vomit.

Maybe this is all Natalie’s fault, too.

Maybe she should have given him more attention, not turned her back on him and pretended to be asleep as soon as she heard the front door open.

As soon as the thought rises in her mind, Natalie is disgusted with herself.

The affair is Pete’s doing, nobody else’s.

How are they ever going to get over this, even if Erin is OK?

Natalie can’t imagine going back to the house, to the home they’ve shared, raised a family in, acting as if nothing has happened.

She wouldn’t be surprised if Emily found a way to leave for university as soon as possible – she said she couldn’t wait to get away from Natalie, and if there is no Pete to keep her there …

Natalie’s eyes fill with tears again and she feels a bone-crushing weariness.

It feels as if she is at the root of all the problems in her family.

It’s her fault Pete had an affair, her fault Emily wants to leave, her fault Zadie is playing up, all because she insisted on carrying on with the pregnancy.

A cold wave of fear washes over Natalie, leaving her shivering in her sundress.

She tucks her feet up onto the chair, pulling the dress low over her ankles, and wraps her arms around her knees.

If she thinks she is the most likely suspect to have done this – to have taken Erin out to die in the woods – then it stands to reason that DI Travis and her colleague will be thinking along the same lines.

Natalie is sure, positive , she could never have done this, but what if the police have already made their minds up that she is responsible?

You hear of it all the time, people being convicted of things they haven’t done.

She can’t go to prison.

She’ll die if that happens.

The thought takes her breath away, and she knows she is on the verge of a panic attack, her pulse crashing in her ears.

What if they find me guilty?

I can’t leave them, can’t leave my family.

Who will take care of them all?

The thought of the press hammering at the door, taking photos of Zadie and Emily as they try to go to school, of Pete having to cope without her, makes her want to die.

How will any of them cope if I’m convicted of trying to murder my own child?