Page 56 of The Loves We Lost

“You think I didn’t try?” I shout. Then I take in another deep breath. “Sorry.”

Niro shrugs. “Nah, it’s good, man. Shout away. Told you in the gym—get angry at me when you can’t get angry at anyone else. Hit me if you need to.”

“You say that to Cat?” It’s a joke.

“I do actually. More to be honest. I let her fight me. She gets all her stress out, then we fuck. Best sex we have.”

I glance sideways at my friend, then shake my head. “Whatever floats your boat.”

“Don’t suggest you try it with Vi. She looks like you’d snap her in half.”

I laugh, and the band around my chest eases a little. “I’ll remember that.”

“Tell me what’s going on.”

I stop at the end of the street and look back to where the chrome of our bikes gleam in the sun. “I wish telling you would make it right, but it won’t.”

And yet I still find myself telling my best friend all of it. I tell him about how I met Vi, how it went wrong, and how I feel about her being here. I tell him shit that probably makes me sound soft as fuck as opposed to the feared, knife-wielding enforcer I’ve become. How the pictures of Vi and Avery when she was born have me in a chokehold. The anger that keeps blossoming inside me when I think about what I have missed out on. The way I feel like I need to stay here with my family to keep them safe, yet feel compelled to return to the Iron Outlaws to fight with my brothers. The way I’ve never felt this conflicted on how to lead through turmoil.

“You know—" Niro says finally “—this is why I bake.”

“What?”

“When I’m in the middle of it, when my head is filled with shit. Memories, shame, things I need to do, things I’ve forgotten, times I let friends down ... I bake. Usually, in the process, I find peace, if not answers. What’s your baking?”

I think. “Working out.”

Niro squeezes my shoulder. “Then we work out until you fall down when we get back. And then you sleep for twelve hours, and we’ll figure out what to do after that.”

I sigh and then nod. “Okay.”

Niro pulls me in for a hug. “You’re allowed to feel emotions, brother. Just don’t let them drown you, yeah? Or I’ll be forced to kill you to put you out of your misery.”

And in spite of everything, I can’t help but smile. “I’ll do my best.”

“I know you will. You always do. And I’ll help in any way I can.”

20

VIOLA

Idon’t know how I ended up making spaghetti for four bikers, but stirring my mom’s meat sauce recipe is meditative. It’s allowing me to settle my emotions.

Fear. That I’m going to be on my own once they’re gone.

Grief. That I’m losing Miles all over again.

Relief. That I’ll see him again at some point. Even if it will be a painful reminder of who we were.

“Got a minute?”

I turn and see Niro in the doorway. He still makes me uneasy. From what I can tell, he’s a better man than I first thought. He is genuinely playful with Avery. But he views me with a distrust that pours from him.

“Of course.” I turn the heat down to a simmer and turn to face him.

“There’s a seventy percent chance I’m gonna fuck up what I’m about to say, but I promised Bates I’d try and help. So you’re gonna have to work with me on this one.”

“Okay,” I say.