Page 92 of The Lost Zone (Dark Water #3)

“And you’ve been good for me,” Josiah said firmly.

“Alex, you released me from my grief, and for that, I’ll always be grateful.

The feelings we had for each other were forged in that terrible moment when Peter died.

We fought for him together, watched him die together.

We were thrown together in that instance.

Maybe we mistook that intensity for something deeper.

We’ll always be connected because of that night, but it doesn’t mean we’re in love.

I’ll always care about you, but…” He shrugged.

“Maybe we rushed into this on the strength of those huge emotions, and now reality is setting in. You think I don’t see the real you, but I’m not sure you even know who that is after years of suppressing it.

Now is not the right time for you to sustain a romantic relationship.

I doubt you’re even capable of that right now. ”

“No. I think you’re right.” Alex gazed at him sadly. “I want you to know…” He took a deep breath. “Please view yourself as free. I mean, if you want to bring anyone home…”

Josiah put up his hand. “Alex, I did without sex for seven years. I’m not about to go looking for it right now, with all this going on.

Let’s take the pressure off, okay? You need time and space to find out who you are.

There are no obligations – you don’t owe me anything, least of all sex.

If there was ever any part of our interactions that led you to believe that, then I’m very sorry. That’s on me.”

“No. I always wanted you.” Alex gave a faint smile.

“You didn’t misread that. But…” He hesitated, then ploughed on.

“I also wanted you onside, and I’ve always used sex to please my houders.

I can’t be sure how much that was also my motivation.

” He looked at him from under his eyelashes, shamefaced.

“I’m sorry – I’m just trying to be honest.”

“I’m glad.” Josiah gave a thoughtful nod.

“I don’t blame you. How could I? Knowing your story, this makes perfect sense.

It’s good that we’re having this conversation now.

It’s not fun, or romantic, but at least it’s real.

” He gave a sigh. “Just so long as you know I’ll always be here for you, regardless. ”

“Thank you.”

“Will you try and get some rest? In your own room?” Josiah asked.

“In a little while.”

“Okay.” Josiah leaned down, pressed a little kiss to Alex’s hair, and then walked to the door.

“Do you think,” Alex murmured behind him, “that you’d still want me if I didn’t look like I do?”

Josiah paused, frowning. “That’s an odd question, and it’s impossible to answer.

You’re a stunning man, but you know that.

However, I don’t think that was the source of our attraction, beyond, you know, getting my attention.

Peter was no oil painting, but I found him sexy as hell.

Sexiness, attraction – it’s not just about looks. ”

“Neil wanted me for years. He wanted to possess and consume me, and Tyler and Elliot both wanted something from me, too, in their own ways. Now Neil’s dead…

” Alex glanced over at him, his eyes stark and unreadable.

“And I keep thinking it’s my fault. I was never very nice to him, but he brought out the worst in me.

I hate how people always want something from me without ever really seeing me , and he was the worst for that. ”

“I see you,” Josiah said. “But you have so much armour that I’m not sure I’m ever glimpsing more than bits and pieces.

As for Neil, from everything you’ve said, he latched on to you when you were both still young and never let go.

I think he projected what he lacked in himself onto you.

You were a free spirit, and he very much wasn’t.

You seemed wild and had a ‘don’t give a fuck’ aloofness.

For want of a better word, you’re cool, Alex, and Neil was attracted to that because he sure as hell wasn’t. ”

“Well, whatever it is, I wish I didn’t have it. I sometimes wonder if… if I had acid burns, or took a knife to my face, or something, whether everyone would leave me alone.”

Josiah came back into the room and stood in front of him.

“Please don’t,” he said firmly, horrified.

“Your poor body has been through enough. Besides, it’s not all about how other people view you - your reaction is important too.

I think, maybe, there’s a part of you that despises anyone who is attracted to you.

” Even me , he thought, but he couldn’t bear to say it.

Alex gave a twisted smile. “You’re probably right. Or maybe I’m never convinced it’s actually me you’re attracted to, but this.” He gestured at his face.

“Or maybe…” Josiah took his face in his hands and looked down on him. “You hate yourself so much that you can’t bear to be loved, because you don’t think you deserve it. You push everyone away. That’s why you were always going to want to break up with me.”

“I’ve left so much death and destruction in my wake: Mum, Solange, Elliot, Neil… even Peter.” Alex gazed straight up at him, bleakly. “I’m toxic, Joe.”

“No, you’re human. No better nor worse than the rest of us.” Josiah gave a tight smile. “Now, get some rest. This train of thought is no good for you.”

“I’ll try.”

Josiah kissed him gently on the head. “Remember, I’m always here for you, as a friend,” he said firmly. “Nothing more. Just a friend.”

His heart was breaking as he walked slowly up the stairs feeling like an old man.

The bed was cold and empty again, just as it’d been when he lost Peter, only at least then he’d had Hattie to wrap his arms around, her warm fur to bury his face in.

His heart, so newly mended, was a soft, fragile, unarmoured thing, like a hedgehog without its spines, exposed and vulnerable.

He wanted nothing more than to curl up into a little ball and protect himself, but it was too late for that.

He’d lied.

He didn’t believe for a moment that what he felt for Alex was only related to the intensity of what they’d shared the night Peter had died. It was more. So much more.

He loved Alex with all his heart, but what was right for him wasn’t right for Alex. That poor man needed the time and space to work out what he truly wanted, without pressure or obligation. Breaking up with him had been the only decent thing to do. The only honourable thing.

But fuck, it hurt.