Page 52 of The Lost Zone (Dark Water #3)

C gave him a sharp look. “You’ll need to work harder than that, Alex, if I’m to help you.

I want you to know yourself inside out. To identify your triggers and learn how to deal with them.

Let’s go through it, so you understand how it works and why.

Here are the lyrics.” He pinged them up into the air.

Alex wasn’t used to this kind of work. He found it far harder than his sessions with B or E. He felt self-conscious offering up his innermost thoughts and feelings for analysis.

“I suppose… I see it as my tribute to Solange,” he began. “Like, I’m dedicating myself to her.”

“That’s not necessarily helpful. The song is supposed to calm you, not make you remember her death,” C observed.

“It doesn’t. I’m not religious, but it makes me feel as if I’ve dedicated my life to a higher power. It reminds me that I’m not important in the grand scheme of things, that I’m an instrument to do this work,” he said slowly.

“I see. And?”

“Well… I can’t want anything to be about me now, can I?

” He took a deep breath as he tried to make peace with that idea.

“It has to all be about her. I can’t seek love, or consolation, or understanding.

I must ground myself in the sense of peace that comes from knowing I’m not important, the mission is. ”

“Very well. That’s a good start.” C nodded.

“I want you to take the lyrics away and work on them. We need this song to really help you. You must know the words backwards and be able to recite them in your head during moments of stress. We need that Pavlovian response. No matter how stressful the situation, this song anchors you, brings you back to the moment, and reminds you of why you’re doing this. ”

“It’s about redemption, too,” Alex said softly. “I’ve made a lot of mistakes and done some pretty bad things. I want to redeem myself. This song reminds me of that.”

“So, it is a little bit about you,” C pointed out.

“Yes. Just a little.” Alex bowed his head in acknowledgement. “Am I allowed that?”

“That’s for you to say.” C shrugged. “But if it’s helpful, then why not?”

Alex left feeling glum. He was far more of a work in progress than he’d realised, and it all seemed so daunting. Yet, he felt a sense of exhilaration, too. After months of reacting, he was finally setting his own agenda, and that felt good.

Later that evening, after dinner, he sat on his bed and looked through all his notes. There was so much to do. It was late and he was about to go to bed when there was a knock on the door. Gideon poked his head around it.

“Just a reminder – it’s up to you whether you act on it – but you haven’t done your practice today,” he said.

“Oh shit! Yoga.” Alex looked at the notes scattered over his bed. “I was so busy doing this that I forgot.”

“Like I said. Your choice.” Gideon left the room, closing the door softly behind him.

Alex stared at the notes and then back at the door.

He was exhausted and longed to go to bed, but there would be many times during his life as an indie when he would be forced to work when tired.

He might as well start learning that lesson now.

He changed into his yoga clothes and walked wearily to the gym.

To his surprise, Gideon was waiting for him there.

“How did you know I’d come?” he asked, sliding off his shoes and shuffling onto the mat.

“I didn’t, but I hoped you would.” Gideon held out his hand. “You’ve barely learned the basics of yoga. I’m going to teach you so much more, to make it a real weapon in your armoury. Now, focus on your breathing.” He put his hand on Alex’s midriff.

An hour later, exhausted and yet strangely calm, Alex returned to his little room. He spent a few moments gazing at his photos, as he did every night, and then threw himself straight into bed. He was asleep within seconds.

The pace didn’t let up. The more he learned, the more he realised how little he knew.

Yet, he’d never been afraid of hard work and he enjoyed learning.

He didn’t enjoy the sessions with C but even there he put in the work.

C wasn’t interested in his childhood, or analysing his moods and emotions.

He concentrated on giving him the tools he needed to cope when he was returned to Tyler.

He gave him techniques and exercises, mental strategies for staying strong, and homework to do after every session.

Slowly, they worked out what helped and what didn’t.

Caffeine and other stimulants, for example, were a bad idea.

Alex craved them as much as he’d once craved croc, and he was less focused when he was in a state of craving.

He also had a tendency to zone out in order to stay calm, which C identified as problematic.

“Tyler expects an eager-to-please servant, not one who walks around like a zombie. You must learn how to listen – really listen – and not just nod while thinking your own inner thoughts.”

That was a tough lesson. Alex realised how very little he’d ever listened to others.

His brain was always bringing the subject back to himself, and how he felt about whatever they were talking about.

C taught him how to remove his own emotions from the scenario and just be present. It wasn’t easy, but he was learning.

He identified new areas for improvement, too, and went to Gideon with them.

“Massage and… caddying?” Gideon raised an eyebrow.

“Yes,” Alex said firmly. “I’m not really a domestic indie, useful though those lessons have been. Learning how to massage properly will be helpful when entertaining my clients. As for caddying, Tyler has a huge golf course. He’s never asked me to caddy for him, but it might be useful to know how.”

“Very good.” Gideon looked at him approvingly. “I’ll arrange tutors for both.”

A few weeks later, a new influx of students arrived – fifteen of them – and soon Belvedere was heaving and humming with chatter.

Alex attended classes with them, spoke to them politely, and observed them carefully, but he made no attempt to befriend anyone.

He watched as one of the new students bullied another and forced himself not to intervene.

“It was hard,” Alex told Gideon in the gym one evening. “To see that poor woman being picked on by that oaf and do nothing.”

“Well, watching others being bullied has always been a major trigger for you,” Gideon pointed out. “This is a good opportunity for you to work on it.”

“You didn’t set it up, did you?” Alex asked suspiciously.

Gideon laughed. “No, Alex. The time for subterfuge – on our part, at least – is over. This is all real now. You, on the other hand, could still improve where deception is concerned. Have you given any more thought as to how you will meet Mr Tyler’s personal demands?”

“You mean, how will I pretend to enjoy sucking his cock when I hate his guts?” Alex snapped.

The sharp slap took him by surprise, although it shouldn’t have.

Gideon fixed him with a stern look. “That was pure petulance, Alex. You will not let your guard down with me or anyone else, except C, and then only in his office. This is not a safe space.” He gestured around the room.

“This is a working area. Now, tell me your plan for dealing with Mr Tyler’s inevitable request that you serve him in the bedroom. ”

Alex rubbed the sting out of his jaw. On reflection, the slap had been well deserved. He’d been working hard not to lash out or be sarcastic, but he’d let himself down.

“I’ve been trying to think of him as a human being,” he offered.

“Not a monster, and not someone I hate. I’ve been considering how lonely he must have been after Mum died.

He’s had his revenge on me, but that hasn’t exactly turned out how he expected, so now he’s locked up in his own private hell and he doesn’t know how to get out.

I feel sorry for him.” Alex blinked. “Wow – it’s true – I actually feel sorry for the man.

Mum liked him – maybe even loved him – so I have to believe he’s got a heart in there somewhere.

He wants affection and intimacy, so that’s what I’ll give him. ”

There was an expression of surprise on Gideon’s face. “That’s lovely, Alex, and very well reasoned. What made you come to this hard conclusion?”

“Joe,” Alex said softly. “Tyler has been wounded like Joe was. They are hurt and broken by the loss of someone they loved. Both Peter’s death and my mother’s were sudden, brutal, and unexpected, leaving them lost and alone in the world. Poor Joe. Poor George.”

“And poor Alex,” Gideon murmured, leaning in to press a little kiss to his cheek.

Alex looked at him in surprise. “You’ve lost people you loved too – your mother and Solange.

It could be argued that it’s worse for you because of the guilt you feel about your part in their deaths. You know how it feels.”

“Yes, I do.” Alex gave a wan smile.

Every evening ended the same way, with Alex gazing into the mirror while Gideon watched him hum his song in his head and empty his face of emotion.

He’d done it so often now that it was second nature.

Gideon practised making him do it at the most bizarre times to ensure he could – during his gym workouts, in C’s office, and during rec time with the other students.

Alex was feeling more and more confident that he could summon up the mask at will now, no matter what he was feeling.

“Imagine they’re playing your song.” Gideon smiled at him as he took up position in front of the mirror.

The familiar words rose immediately in Alex’s mind.

Make me a channel of your peace…

His face emptied, his eyes becoming blank.

“There is one last thing I must ask of you,” Gideon said, standing behind him and gazing at his reflection in the mirror. He often threw things at Alex during this time to catch him off guard and make him drop the mask, but it had been weeks since Alex had last been caught out.

“Yes, Gideon,” Alex murmured, his face expressionless.