Page 61 of The Lost Zone (Dark Water #3)

Chapter Seventeen

Josiah

The next few days were so busy that Josiah didn’t have a chance to speak to Sofie about Alex’s mental state.

Inquisitus stormed into all Tyler’s properties and turned them upside down.

Yet, as Josiah feared, they came away empty-handed, finding no evidence of the kompromat Tyler undoubtedly had on so many people.

“It’ll take weeks to go through all the files we’ve removed from his servers,” Reed warned as he instructed his team of data-techs to start work. “But I’m honestly not expecting to find it, sir.”

“All that smartwall footage, all those thousands of hours of blackmail material, it has to be there somewhere,” Josiah said impatiently.

“Sure, but that footage is incendiary. If I were Tyler, I wouldn’t keep it anywhere obvious.”

“We’ve been to all his properties. Where else could it be stored?”

“Wherever he thought we couldn’t find it, but don’t ask me where that is.” Reed shrugged helplessly.

There was some good news in that they found more bones, not anything approaching a whole skeleton but enough to get Sofie excited. However, the fireplace Solange had crashed into had long been replaced, so there was no way to match it to the injury on the skull.

“The fact he’s been so thorough as to replace the fireplace makes me think we’ll never find these bloody smartwall files,” Reed muttered gloomily, although he didn’t look up from the task of searching for them.

There was an energy about this investigation that Josiah had never experienced before.

Everyone was aware what was at stake, and they were all invested in it.

He was working long days, which was his usual style during an investigation, but he didn’t normally have anyone waiting for him at home.

Alex said he was fine – his number-one priority was the investigation, and he understood how hard Josiah was working on it – but Josiah fretted about leaving him for so long.

He’d placed agents outside the house but, aware of hiding Sem’s presence, had given them strict instructions to observe and only intervene if they had concerns.

Still, it wasn’t the same as him being there, especially given Alex’s increasingly fragile mental health.

He returned home at 11p.m. one night to find the house immaculate, and Alex in the dining room, laying out a table of food.

“What’s all this?” he asked, bemused.

“You said I don’t cook for you anymore,” Alex explained, his eyes burning with feverish zeal as he began serving up a three-course meal.

“It was a joke. It’s late.” Josiah surveyed the food in dismay, not feeling up to the challenge of such a big meal at this time of night. He sat down anyway, sensing Alex’s brittle mood.

“You’re working all hours on the case I made you pursue, so the least I can do is be a good IS. I’ve done the laundry, cleaned the house, and polished all your shoes.” Alex looked positively demented as he waved his arm at the tidy room. “I’m a good servant. I learned how to be that, at least.”

“But you don’t need to be, not with me,” Josiah said softly. “You’re not my servant, Alex.”

“Then what am I?” Alex snapped. “All I’ve been for the past few years is whatever my houder has wanted me to be. What am I now?”

“Yourself.” Josiah reached out to calm him down, but Alex twisted away from him. “Use this time to rediscover who you are, Alex.”

“Why?” Alex threw his hands in the air. “I’m going to be sold again when this is all over. Do you have any idea how fucking difficult it’ll be to rediscover who Alex is, only to have to bury him again? It was hard enough the first time.”

“I understand.” Josiah stared at him helplessly, feeling out of his depth.

“No, you don’t!” Alex brought his hand crashing down so hard on the table, the plates went flying, landing on the floor and shattering. “You don’t.”

“Hey – it’s okay.” Josiah reached for him again, but Alex pushed him away.

“You wouldn’t like the real me anyway, Joe. He’s moody, selfish, and difficult. You only like the me I’ve pretended to be.”

“Is that what’s bothering you? That I won’t like you?

” Josiah shook his head tiredly. He’d had a long day, and Alex’s emotions had been so volatile recently that he was struggling to cope.

“Alex, I already like you. I know you think I don’t see the real you, but I do.

I see the man who did everything he could to seek justice for his friend, someone who was placed in an impossible position but who tried his hardest for someone he loved. ”

Alex glared at him savagely. “No! I’m not a good man, Joe.

I never was. As for getting justice for Solange, what took me so long?

All those years waiting for my opportunity.

I felt paralysed. I was so scared of getting it wrong that I didn’t do anything until the situation was forced on me by Elliot’s murder.

So, don’t tell me that I did well by Solange, because that was by accident. I did nothing for her.”

“That’s not true,” Josiah told him firmly. “You held faith until you could act, and then you did.”

“You would have found a way,” Alex told him resentfully. “ You would have risked more, been braver, and made more decisive moves. I just treaded water for all these years.”

“I don’t think I could have done what you did, Alex.”

“No, because you’re too forthright, too authentic, too real.

I’m a fake, Joe.” Josiah braced himself for another rampage as Alex began pacing restlessly around the room.

“All I do is pretend! I’ve pretended so much that I have no idea who I am anymore.

I was a shitty person before I became an IS, and I still am. ”

“That’s okay,” Josiah murmured soothingly.

“Alex, it’s okay for you to be whoever you really are when you’re with me, even if that’s the shittiest person in the whole damn world.

You’ve been through so much trauma that it might take you a long time to find out who you really are.

It’s okay if there are ups and downs, and it’s okay, too, if you break all the crockery in my house finding out.

” Surveying the wreckage of the plates, he gave a wry smile.

Alex’s mood broke in the face of his feeble attempt at humour.

“Oh shit. I wanted to do something nice for you, and instead I’m haranguing you.” He sat down at the table with a thump. “I’m so sorry.”

“Please stop trying so hard,” Josiah sighed.

“You don’t have to please me, Alex. You don’t have to serve me.

You don’t have to be anything to me. I don’t need anything from you.

Not food, or a tidy house, or…” He hesitated.

“Sex.” Alex’s head shot up. “I know you’ve had to use sex to survive.

I know you think you still have to. I just want you to know that you don’t have to with me. ”

Alex’s face twisted in fury again. “Dear God, let me have one fucking thing that I can call my own. You really have no idea! All these years of being told who to fuck, of pretending to enjoy it – and thinking about you was the only thing that kept me sane. You’re the one person I do want to fuck, Joe.

I used to fantasise about you. I tried not to, because you were kind to me, and it felt kind of sleazy, but I saw what you had with Peter, and I wanted it so badly.

Yeah, your husband was butchered in that awful way, and shitty Alex Lytton could only think about how much he wanted to fuck you.

That’s how much of a bad person I am, Joe. That’s the kind of man I really am.”

“It’s hard to take offence at that, Alex.

I’m flattered.” He grinned, but Alex just glared at him moodily.

“Look, Peter is long gone, and you had nothing to do with his death. I know you’re blaming yourself, but you were trying to escape.

It’s not your fault that Tyler’s search teams spooked Driessen; he was already in a fragile state of mental health, I suspect.

Peter knew that what we did was dangerous.

I’ve been blaming myself for not having better safety protocols in place, but Peter wouldn’t have followed them anyway, knowing him.

We both need to stop blaming ourselves for his death.

It won’t bring him back, and he’d hate it if he knew we were doing this.

The one thing I’m certain of is that he wouldn’t blame us. He wasn’t like that.”

“No, because he was a fucking saint – saving indies, rescuing puppies, and being a fantastic husband – and all with his endless bloody good humour, and I’m nothing like him.

I screw up people’s lives, Joe, and I really don’t want to do that to you.

You should send me back, get rid of me, sooner rather than later.

I’m no good for you. I’m only going to cause you heartache.

I’ll ruin your career, and I’ll ruin your life. ”

“I can take responsibility for my own life,” Josiah told him sharply.

“You brought me a case, and I’m damned if I’m going to let that poor Quarterlands girl down the way everyone else did.

I’ll bring Tyler down if it’s humanly possible, and I’ll find who killed Elliot Dacre because that’s my job, and as for you…

you should give yourself a break.” He placed his hand over Alex’s.

“I mean it, love. I don’t know what the future brings, but right here, right now, you have sanctuary and a safe place to be whoever it is you are – or to try on different Alex Lyttons for size every day until you figure it out.

You don’t need to be anything for me, least of all perfect.

Peter wasn’t, you know, and I’m sure as hell not. ”

Alex buried his head in his hands. “I always thought that what you had with Peter was so wonderful, the tiny glimpse I had of it anyway. I saw you bantering with him in the car, laughing and teasing, and there was this love there that I longed for so much it hurt. Now I have you, all I’ve done is blackmail you, turn your life upside down, and make you miserable. ”