Page 7 of The Life She Could Have Lived

Anna nodded, not sure that her voice would hold. What was this? Her emotions were so close to the surface these days, and she sometimes worried that she’d forever be in tears when she went back to work. Once she’d blinked a few times, she felt a little stronger.

‘Sorry about that,’ she said. ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me.’

Steve stopped for a minute and turned to her. ‘There’s nothing wrong with you,’ he said. ‘You’re doing a bloody tough job and sometimes you need a minute, that’s all.’

She was so grateful to him then that she wanted to throw her arms around him. Why couldn’t Edward ever say anything like that? When she cried in front of him, he never seemed to know what to do or say.

‘Tell me something funny,’ Anna said .

And then she wondered whether she’d overstepped a mark. That was the kind of thing she might say to one of her friends, but she didn’t know this man very well. They weren’t close. Might they be?

‘Okay, here’s something. My wife, Theresa, started a new job recently.

She’s a solicitor. She kept talking about me and Luke, saying her partner was at home with the baby.

And yesterday she found out that the whole firm thought she was a lesbian.

She was absolutely baffled about it, had no idea why they might think that.

And her boss clued her in that it was just because of me being the one to stay at home.

They couldn’t conceive of a man doing that job. ’

‘That’s kind of more sad than funny,’ Anna said, but she did laugh a little as she said it.

‘You’re right. I’m the only man at every group I’ve been to. You’ve noticed that at playgroup, right?’

Anna laughed again. ‘Yes, I’ve noticed. I can always hear your voice when we sing “The Wheels on the Bus”. Plus I’ve heard a few comments about your arse.’

As soon as she’d said it, she was embarrassed. And she could see that she’d embarrassed him, too.

‘My arse?’

Anna couldn’t look at him. ‘Yeah, you know, you have a few… admirers.’

‘Bored mums, I expect.’

Anna felt like she was suddenly walking a tightrope, where before she’d just been chatting to a friend. Was that what she was, a bored mum?

‘Well, anyway, for us it just made sense to work it this way. I was doing building work and I earned a fraction of what Theresa does.’

‘Will you go back to it?’ Anna asked. ‘At some point, I mean? ’

Steve seemed to consider this. They were walking through the common now, having not discussed where they were going, and Anna looked around at the games of rounders and dog walking that were happening around her.

‘I’m not sure yet. I liked my job, but I like being at home with him too. And the cost of childcare would mean that I was doing it for basically nothing. Plus, I think we’ll have another one in a couple of years. What about you? What were you, before you were a mum?’

That was almost enough to start Anna crying again.

What was she? She was rarely asked these days.

When she’d been in her twenties and she’d met new people, the first question they’d asked, after her name, was what she did.

And now, no one asked her name, they just called her Mum or Mummy.

‘Give that to that mummy over there.’ ‘Ask that mum if her little boy would like a rice cake.’ ‘And would Mummy like a cup of tea?’ Now, she was asked what Thomas’s name was, and how old he was, and whether he was starting to crawl yet, and whether she was breastfeeding, and how the birth had been.

‘I’m in publishing. Publicity,’ she said. ‘I didn’t earn much either, but I liked it. I’d only been in that role for a few months and I’m hoping there’ll be an opportunity to step up at some point, when I’m back.’

Steve nodded. ‘It’s not straightforward trying to make those decisions. And it’s not an easy ride, being at home, is it?’

‘No,’ Anna said.

Nothing she’d ever done had been harder than this.

And she couldn’t quite explain it. Because she did watch daytime TV sometimes, or go on nice walks like this one, through the pretty area of London where she was lucky enough to live, or sit with her feet up while Thomas napped on her, taking in the magical scent of him.

And she’d been there when he first clapped, when he first laughed, all those milestones Edward had missed because he’d been in the office.

And yet. She felt like she’d forgotten who she was.

And worse than that, she felt like she’d stopped being herself entirely.

Anna’s phone rang, and she pulled it out of her pocket, and they both stopped walking. It was Nia.

‘Hi,’ Anna said.

‘Hey,’ Nia said. ‘I got your email. You sounded a bit low. Shall I come over after work?’

‘Yes please,’ she said. ‘I would really like that.’

It was so good to hear her friend’s voice.

‘Edward’s still away, right?’

‘Yes, he’s in New York until Friday.’

‘Okay. I’ll bring food. See you at about seven or so.’

Anna slipped the phone back into her pocket and they set off walking again without a word. They were heading for home now.

‘What do you have planned for the rest of the afternoon?’ Steve asked.

‘I’m not sure. We might play in the garden.’

Steve nodded. ‘I love June, when the summer is ahead and it’s starting to warm up.’

Anna felt something tugging at her. ‘What’s the date?’

‘Fifth, I think. Why?’

Anna shook her head. ‘It’s my anniversary,’ she said. ‘I’d forgotten.’

Nia turned up with a bottle of wine, a bunch of bright tulips and a bag of Chinese takeaway.

Anna had just got Thomas off to sleep and knew that, if she was lucky, she might have four or five hours before he woke again.

Sometimes, she’d go straight to bed after putting him down, knowing that she’d be up feeding him in the night and wanting to get some rest while she could, but tonight she couldn’t think of anything she’d rather do than see Nia.

‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘For knowing.’

They were in the kitchen and Anna was opening the bottle and getting glasses and plates while Nia cut the stems of the flowers and filled a vase with water.

‘Knowing what?’

‘That I needed you.’

‘Oh, that.’

Nia carried prawn crackers and fried rice over to the table.

Anna brought the rest of the food: duck in plum sauce for her, beef and mushrooms for Nia.

Anna thought about what she would have eaten if Nia hadn’t come.

Probably toast or a bowl of cereal. There was never any time to make something proper. Never any time to take care of herself.

‘So what’s happening?’ Nia asked once they were sitting down, facing one another.

‘I just feel really lost,’ Anna said. ‘It’s so hard to explain. I don’t know what I’m doing, and I feel like I’m getting it all wrong.’

‘With Thomas?’

‘Yes. And with me. Edward wants me to stay at home now, like a 1950s housewife…’

Nia snorted.

‘And it’s not what I want. But I feel guilty for that. And I just feel like my whole life is about him now, and I’ve lost sight of me. But is that selfish? Don’t all mums do this without complaining?’

Nia held up both hands. ‘That’s a lot of stuff,’ she said.

‘ Firstly, going back to work, if that’s what you want to do, is absolutely fine.

Thomas will benefit from being with other babies, I’m sure.

Plus, when he’s a bit older, he’ll see that this is how the world works.

Men and women bringing home the money, sharing the load.

It’ll be good for him. Then maybe when he’s an adult, he won’t have quite such dated views as his father. ’

Anna was never sure whether Nia really liked Edward.

Nia often mentioned how attractive he was, and she wondered, now, whether that was a cover, because she didn’t really have anything else nice to say about him.

It hurt, that worry. Like everyone, she wanted the different people in her life to like one another.

‘Secondly, I bet it’s really common to feel the way you do.

Your whole life has changed and you’re having to put Thomas’s needs before your own and you’re alone with him all day every day and he doesn’t even speak!

So I think you’re probably fine, but I also think you should go to see your GP in case you have post-natal depression.

My sister had it, and none of us knew, and I felt awful afterwards. ’

Anna hadn’t considered this. Could there be a chemical, medical reason for the way she felt?

She thought about all the crying she did, in the shower, into her pillow, sometimes when she had Thomas in the sling and was out walking.

Maybe it was more than just a really tough period of adjustment. She smiled at Nia, grateful.

‘Thank you,’ she said again.

‘What for?’

‘Just… everything.’

Nia put down her fork. ‘Listen, Anna, whatever this is, whatever you’re going through, we’ll sort it out, okay?’

‘Okay,’ Anna said.

She felt stronger just having Nia there .

‘Me and Edward, we’ll get you through. And Thomas, of course.’

The sound of his name was enough to make Anna smile. She thought of him, fast asleep in his cot, the way his arms would be flung above his head, and the love she felt was almost painful in its intensity.