Page 6 of The Life She Could Have Lived

YES

Anna looked at Thomas, who was sitting in front of her in the highchair, refusing to eat the carrot she’d peeled and chopped and cooked and blended for him.

The preparation for this one tiny meal that he wasn’t eating had been ridiculous.

This was her third attempt, and Thomas was yet to swallow anything.

She went back to the fridge, cut a long finger of cucumber, ran it under the tap and handed it to her baby.

He put it straight to his mouth and sucked, and Anna took the opportunity to drink some of her lukewarm cup of tea.

She thought about sending a message to Edward, telling him that it was a hard day, but thought better of it.

It sometimes seemed like every day was a hard day.

Edward was sympathetic, but there was only so much he could do.

Every morning, when he dressed and prepared to leave the house, she wanted to beg him to change places with her.

And every morning, she said nothing. But when he told her to have a nice day on his way out of the door, she felt like pulling the carving knife from the block on the kitchen side and stabbing him in the heart.

Now, he was on his first work trip since Thomas had been born.

New York, all week. Anna had been terrified when he’d first mentioned it, and in time some of that terror had turned to jealousy.

She knew, when she was being rational, that he’d spend the week in the airport and the office and his hotel room, but her more unhinged self imagined him seeing the sights she’d always longed to see, soaking up that city she’d always been desperate to visit.

The one they’d said they would visit together, and never had.

It was nothing like she’d imagined, being a mother.

What had she imagined? It was hard to separate it out, now that she was living this life that was definitely not it, now that she hadn’t had more than a few hours’ sleep in one go for months.

Had she given it much thought at all? She’d imagined a baby, curled in her arms and sleeping, and not much else.

How foolish she’d been. She looked at Thomas.

He was perfect. Doing all the things he should be doing and always causing old women and quite a few young women to squeal and coo in the street.

He had Edward’s dark hair and eyes but otherwise he was all her.

She adored him, could lose hours just watching him sleep, his eyelids flickering and his fingers gripped tightly around hers.

The first time he’d rolled over, she had cried with pride.

The day he’d been born, the midwife had put him gently into Anna’s arms, and she had waited to fall in love.

It hadn’t come at once, in a rush, like everyone said it did, and she’d been disappointed.

But then a few days later, she’d been lying beside him in bed, Edward snoring, Thomas looking up at her with those big eyes and her looking back, and she’d just known that this was a love more powerful than anything else.

Through her bleary eyes, she’d smiled at him, knowing he couldn’t yet smile back.

She’d whispered her love into his soft hair .

Thomas started to wriggle and squirm, the cucumber long forgotten, abandoned on the highchair tray.

‘Let’s get you out of there,’ Anna said, and her voice sounded loud in the quiet room.

She unstrapped him and lifted him into her arms, caught a hint of that smell he had, the one that made her want to hold him tight to her chest forever.

She kissed his forehead and sat him on the playmat, built a wall of cushions around him.

He was sitting pretty well, but he still had the occasional tumble.

Imagine, Anna thought, not being able to sit on your own bum.

She handed him a block for each hand and he tapped them together and smiled up at her.

There were times, like this, when he was ridiculously easy to please.

And yet so many more when he was screaming and angry and she didn’t know what to do.

And she hated all the books that talked about recognising your baby’s different cries, because when Thomas cried, she never knew what he wanted.

Anna’s laptop was open on the coffee table, the cursor blinking.

She sent a quick email to Ellie, asking how things were at work.

She wanted them to remember that she existed.

And another to Nia, trying to sound casual, saying they hadn’t caught up for a while and could they arrange to go for a drink or something.

And then she refreshed her emails a couple of times, hoping one or other of them would be quick to reply.

On a whim, she called her mum, not really expecting an answer.

Her mum worked as a cleaner, in homes and offices, and Anna could never keep track of her hours.

‘Hello?’ Her mother’s voice sounded muffled, as if she was at the bottom of a well or had her hand across the phone.

‘Hi, it’s Anna.’

She always announced herself like that and thought it probably wasn’t normal.

She’d overheard Nia and Edward on the phone to their own mothers enough to know what normal was.

Edward always did a lot of laughing and ‘remember whens’, and Nia just started each conversation like it was a continuation of the last, like she did when you saw her.

‘Anna,’ her mum said, her voice now clear. She sounded surprised to hear from her.

‘How are you?’

‘Oh, you know.’

I don’t , thought Anna. Why was it like this? Why was it always so hard?

‘Work okay?’

Work was her mother’s favourite subject.

Always had been. She always had a story about one of the other cleaners or someone who lived in one of the houses.

Her stories ran the full gamut from cancer survival to losing luggage on holiday.

She launched into one then, and Anna zoned out a little.

When there was a pause, she willed her mother to ask about Thomas.

He cried out then, and she picked him up.

‘How are things there? How are Edward and Thomas?’

Anna let out a big breath and felt grateful, and then she was sad for the fact that this was such a small thing, and it wasn’t guaranteed.

‘Edward’s in New York with work this week. It’s hard.’

‘Oh, New York. It’s all right for some, isn’t it?’

‘Well, he’ll be working long hours, but yes, it’s a nice trip.’

Anna felt like she was always defending her mother to Edward or defending Edward to her mother. It wasn’t even as if they actively disliked one another. They barely had a relationship.

‘Thomas is starting to sit up,’ she said, trying to change the subject.

‘He will be, I suppose. ’

Anna wasn’t sure what she meant by that.

That he was the right age for it, she supposed.

And he was. But that hadn’t stopped her from hoping for something approaching enthusiasm.

It was clear that the conversation was over, but Anna knew from experience that she would have to be the one to end it.

If she didn’t, they’d sit there in near silence for hours.

‘I’d better go, I guess.’

‘Yes, I’m sure you have plenty to do.’

There was silence where there might have been a ‘thanks for the call’ or ‘have a nice day’.

Anna ended the call, wishing she’d never made it.

It was a little after twelve. It felt like a lifetime since she’d been woken by Thomas that morning, and the hours to go before his bedtime stretched ahead.

They would have to go out, she decided. They would have to do something.

She grabbed the changing bag from the hallway and checked she had all the essentials.

Then she did a quick nappy change and put Thomas in his buggy.

It was a warm June day, but she stashed a blanket in the basket underneath him just in case.

And just like that, she was ready to go.

She thought back to the early days, when it had been winter and she’d needed to dress him in so many layers just to leave the house.

And then she thought of the even earlier days, before she’d had him, when she could just grab her purse and her keys and go.

She’d only got as far as the end of the street when she saw Steve, a stay-at-home dad from a flat across the street who she knew a bit from playgroup.

She thought about turning back. Had he seen her?

Was it too late? It was. Steve made her feel a bit uneasy and she wasn’t sure why.

Or she did know why but was pretending she didn’t.

She felt pulled to him, in a way she hadn’t experienced since…

Since when? Edward? That long-ago date with James?

Steve had sandy hair and a beard and he was always dressed in jeans and t-shirts that hinted at a great body un derneath.

He was the opposite of Edward, with his dark hair and sharp suits.

And yet. There was something that made Anna feel light and a little scared whenever she was with him.

He looked like a man who knew how to put up a shelf, give you an orgasm and then make dinner.

Sometimes, when they were drinking bad coffee and chatting about the babies with other mums at playgroup, Anna found herself fantasising about him.

And she was always certain that he’d know. That he’d sense it, somehow.

She put up a hand to greet him. He was pushing his buggy too, and when she crossed the road, she peered inside and saw that his son Luke was fast asleep.

‘Hey, Anna,’ Steve said. ‘Where are you heading?’

‘I’m not sure,’ she said, and all at once she found she was fighting back tears.

‘Just had to get out of the house?’ he asked. ‘I know the feeling. We’re not going anywhere either. Fancy coming with us?’