Page 38 of The Life She Could Have Lived

YES

‘I’m not going,’ Thomas said. He was sitting on his bed.

Anna stood in his doorway. His room was a state; it always was.

She knew he didn’t like her going in there and she hated to think what he had hidden away under his bed or in his wardrobe.

She hated that there was a room in her home that stank and was filthy.

But now wasn’t the time. She put her hands on her hips.

‘I told Nia we’d be there,’ she said, keeping her voice calm. Pleading with him was more likely to work than getting cross.

‘But you didn’t ask me,’ he said, ‘and I have plans.’

‘What plans? Playing with Connor on the Xbox?’

Thomas looked hurt and Anna wondered whether he really did have plans.

Whether he was doing something that he was nervous about, something that was important to him.

She wondered whether he was seeing someone, whether there was a girl or a boy he liked.

He kept his cards pretty close to his chest on that kind of thing, always had.

She’d been delighted once, when he’d asked her to help him choose a Valentine’s card for a girl in his class.

But that had been a few years ago, when he was no more than ten, and he hadn’t confided in her about his love life since.

‘Mum, when you go out drinking with Nia, I don’t take the piss out of that. My plans are my plans.’

So it was Connor and the Xbox, she surmised. She blew her hair out of her face and tried one more thing.

‘You know your brother won’t want to come if you’re not coming.’

Thomas shrugged. ‘That really isn’t my problem, Mum.’

‘Thomas, look at me. Please, I’m asking you to do this for me.’

Anna didn’t wait for an answer. She went next door, to Sam’s room.

‘Why does Thomas get to do his own thing and I have to come to a baby’s birthday party?’ Sam asked.

He wasn’t angry, just making sure she knew that it was unfair. He was too sweet-natured to be angry, this one.

‘Because he’s thirteen,’ Anna said. ‘And I can’t make him do things he doesn’t want to do any more.’

‘But you still can with me?’

‘Just about.’

Sam smiled, and she smiled back, and she thought of him at six, his front teeth missing. The way he’d held her so tight when they’d cuddled, and she’d almost been winded by it.

‘Do you think there’ll be good cake?’

‘There is bound to be an excellent cake,’ Anna said. ‘Nia throws really good parties. We’re leaving in about fifteen minutes, okay?’

Ten minutes later, while Anna was writing Theo’s birthday card, Thomas appeared and took his shoes out of the chest by the front door. Anna made eye contact with him and smiled, and Thomas shrugged.

‘Thank you,’ she said.

When they arrived at Nia’s flat, she ushered them inside and made a face at Anna. ‘Everything okay?’ she mouthed.

Anna gave a little groan. The boys had gone in ahead of her and were already out of earshot. ‘Just one of those days,’ she said. ‘Got any wine?’ She followed Nia through to the kitchen, where her friend poured her a large glass of red and handed it over.

‘I hope it wasn’t about the party,’ Nia said.

Anna shook her head. ‘Teenage stuff,’ she said.

‘Is work okay?’

‘Work is good, really picking up. If anything, I have too much of it.’

‘That’s brilliant. Oh, and I have a book for you. Here’ – she picked it up off the kitchen counter and held it out – ‘it’s about a decades-long friendship, like ours, and I loved it. I thought you might too.’

Anna looked at the book, saw that it was published by her old company. ‘Thanks,’ she said, wondering who had worked on it. Mostly, she didn’t miss her old job, but when she saw that familiar logo, it always took her back.

Aidan came into the kitchen then, with Theo in his arms. ‘Anna!’ he exclaimed, swooping down to kiss her cheek.

‘Hello, birthday boy,’ Anna said, taking hold of one of Theo’s chubby hands.

He grinned and pulled his hand away, did a couple of claps. He was wearing skinny jeans and a blue shirt covered with little embroidered cars.

‘God, he’s adorable,’ Anna said. ‘Were my two ever like that?’

She knew they had been, but it was hard to remember.

Thomas was tall and clumsy, his hands and feet enormous and his skin greasy.

And Sam was caught in that in-between stage, not quite a little boy but not yet a teenager, and his teeth were a little goofy.

He needed a brace. Anna looked at Theo, all cheeks and eyes, fluffy hair and wobbly steps, and she remembered when she’d thought it wouldn’t get any harder.

Anna realised she was still holding Theo’s present. She gave it to Aidan and he handed Theo to her so he could open it, and she enjoyed the warmth of his body, the way he put his hands on her, trusting.

‘Thank you,’ Nia said.

‘It’s just clothes,’ Anna said.

‘Perfect. He doesn’t need any more toys and he’s growing like a weed.’

All through the afternoon, Anna felt aware of Thomas sulking.

He stayed in the corner of the living room, his phone in his hand, barely looking up.

Sam mostly stayed with Anna, and she could tell he was bored, but he didn’t complain about it.

There were a few other kids around his age there, and he played with them a bit, and he jokingly joined in the games of pass the parcel and musical statues.

Edward arrived a little after six, looking hot and bothered from a day at work and the Tube journey home. He joined Thomas, leaning against the wall, looking at his phone, and Anna thought how alike they could be.

‘Right, let’s eat,’ called Nia, gesturing over to the kitchen counter, where she’d laid out cold meats and cheeses and bread.

Anna looked over to Edward, tried to catch his eye.

He was typing. A work email or a tweet? Out of nowhere, she thought that perhaps he was having an affair.

Perhaps he was standing in the corner of her best friend’s son’s first birthday party sending a message to his lover.

And she was consumed with fury, as if she knew for a fact that it was true. She went over there.

‘What are you doing?’ she asked.

‘What do you mean?’ He looked up, slipped his phone into his pocket.

‘I mean you’ve just arrived and you’re playing on your phone. It’s rude. Thomas is doing it, and he’s thirteen. It’s what thirteen-year-olds do.’

Edward rolled his eyes. ‘Come on, Anna. I couldn’t get here any quicker. I was at work! I’ve given up my Friday night to come to a first birthday party and now I’m not allowed to check what’s going on in the world while we’re here? Did I miss something important during pass the parcel?’

Anna bit her tongue, hard. She hated it when he acted like this, the way he sometimes twisted anything she criticised him for to make her feel small and petty.

‘I don’t know why you came,’ she said, ‘if you’re going to be like this.’

‘I didn’t know it was optional,’ he said.

She walked away. Picked up a plate and helped herself to some food.

Had another glass of wine. In the kitchen, Nia was standing by the fridge with Aidan right beside her, and they were holding Theo between them and he had a hand on each of their faces.

And they looked so happy, Anna felt herself starting to cry.

She put her glass and her plate down and went off to the toilet, looking down to avoid meeting anyone’s eye on the way, and when she heard Nia calling her name, she pretended she hadn’t.

There was only one toilet in the flat, and Anna knew that she couldn’t feasibly spend more than a couple of minutes in there.

She stood in front of the mirror, watching the tears form and pool in her eyes.

And then when she thought a minute had passed, she got some toilet roll and dabbed at her eyes carefully, trying to repair the damage.

Was she unhappy? Right now, she was. But what about when they were all watching a film together, pizza boxes on the coffee table and Sam snuggled into her?

Or when she and Edward were alone, and he was making her laugh and touching her like it was the first time, after all these years?

There was less and less of that, she thought.

And it wasn’t so much the sex she missed but the connection.

They were drifting in opposite directions, Anna thought, and she needed to do something about it.

She needed to do everything she could to reverse it, or at least to halt it.

Because in a few years, the boys would be gone and it would just be the two of them, and what if they’d drifted too far, by then?

What if they could no longer see one another?

When she unlocked the door, Anna hoped there wouldn’t be a queue of people outside. And there wasn’t. There was just Thomas.

‘Hey,’ he said.

‘Are you waiting to use the loo?’

‘No. I saw you come past. You looked upset.’

Anna met her son’s eye. He was several inches taller than her, more man than boy.

‘Are you all right?’ he asked. He looked uncomfortable asking, but she was grateful that he had.

‘I’m okay,’ she said.

‘I’m sorry if I…’

Anna waited, in case he picked the sentence up again, but he didn’t.

‘It’s not you,’ she said.

‘Okay. I wasn’t sure.’

‘I’m sorry I made you come here,’ Anna said.

‘It’s all right. The food’s good. ’

Anna laughed then, and she wanted to pull him in for a hug but she couldn’t remember the last time he’d let her hold him, and she didn’t want to spoil the moment.

‘Did you eat anything?’ Thomas asked.

Anna shook her head. ‘I left my plate in the kitchen. I’ll get it.’

He nodded, and they moved in the direction of the kitchen together.

Anna wished he was young enough that she could squeeze his hand.

Moments like this, she felt like her life had been worth something real.

She’d brought up this boy who would soon be a man and be out in the world.

And she’d done it well. Without her, he wouldn’t have existed.

There were gaps inside her, there were things she ached for, and sometimes she thought they’d been caused by motherhood, and sometimes she felt like motherhood filled and soothed them.

Nia and Aidan were still in the kitchen, but Theo was on the floor, a little circle of people around him.

He’d been walking for a few days and everyone was keen to see it.

Anna picked up her plate and took a bite of sourdough and when she looked across to the corner of the room, she saw Steve.

It hadn’t occurred to her that he might be here, that he might still be with Nia’s colleague.

Chloe, was it? When he saw her, he smiled, and Anna smiled back and put a hand up in a sort of wave.

The last time she’d properly seen him, at Nia’s fortieth, she’d been drunk and made a fool of herself.

She wondered whether he and Chloe were married now.

She felt oddly nostalgic for the days she had spent with Steve when the children were young.

The way he’d made her feel. Understood. Important.

‘I was just thinking about the day he was born,’ Nia said.

Anna hadn’t noticed her approaching. She thought back. Nia had been so scared about him coming early. And now here they were, a year later, and Theo was a perfectly healthy little boy, walking and climbing and making train sounds.

‘I’m so glad you were there,’ Nia said.

‘Me too. But I’m glad Aidan arrived when he did, too.’

‘Agreed,’ Nia said. ‘But listen, I don’t know whether I ever really thanked you for that.’

Anna batted a hand. ‘For what? I didn’t do anything.’

‘You always do that,’ Nia said. ‘But you were there, just when I needed you. And you can’t pretend that’s nothing.’

Nia walked away, scooped Theo up and patted his padded bum, and Anna thought about what Nia had said.

She did have a tendency to minimise things, she thought.

To think the things she did weren’t very much.

She cast her eye around, found Thomas, who’d wandered off and was now chatting to Sam.

She spotted Edward, talking to a friend of Aidan’s and drinking a beer.

Her family didn’t look like Nia’s, but they were still her family.

About twenty minutes later, Edward found her. ‘Shall we make a move?’ he asked.

Anna nodded. She knew she had to say something to Steve before they left. To clear the air. While Edward rallied the boys, Anna sought him out. She was relieved to see that he was standing alone.

‘Hi,’ she said.

‘Hi, Anna.’

‘I forgot that you were sort of connected to Nia.’

‘Strictly parties only,’ Steve said, and his voice was soft.

Anna looked at him, really took him in. With anyone else, she would have been scared to make eye contact for so long. She wasn’t even sure she would do it with Edward, and that struck her as painfully sad. She had missed Steve, in every sense. Missed seeing him, missed out on being with him .

Chloe appeared from somewhere and put an arm around his waist.

‘Hi, I’m Chloe,’ she said.

‘I’m Anna,’ she said. ‘Old friend of Steve’s. From years ago.’

‘A different life,’ Steve said.

And Anna nodded and said her goodbyes, because Edward was standing by the door looking at his watch, and she thought she might cry.

On the walk home, Sam did a silly impression of a little boy who’d been at the party and it made them all laugh. Edward suggested they order a Chinese for dinner, and when Anna raised her eyebrows, he smiled.

‘What? You can’t expect us to get by on a bit of bread and cheese.’

‘Please, Mum?’ Sam asked, looking up at her. ‘I’ll share duck pancakes with you.’

‘Okay,’ she said, holding up her hands as if in surrender.

They had their traditions. Whenever they ordered Chinese, she and Sam had duck pancakes and Thomas and Edward had spring rolls.

They would eat it in the living room in front of an American sitcom.

And afterwards, the boys would go to their rooms and Edward would put on some music and they would talk.

And she wasn’t sure whether it was enough, but for now, it was what she had.