Page 20 of The Life She Could Have Lived

YES

Anna was starting to think about leaving the office when Ellie appeared in front of her desk, looking flustered.

‘What’s up?’ Anna asked.

Anna liked Ellie. They got on well, had a similar sense of humour.

She enjoyed having lunch with Ellie or chatting about books or films. But when it came to work, Anna found Ellie massively frustrating.

She had a big blind spot when it came to organisation, and it grated on Anna because Ellie had been promoted twice while Anna had stayed in the same role they’d both started in.

‘I’ve fucked up,’ Ellie said.

Anna tilted her head, raised her eyebrows. ‘What? What’s happened?’

‘You know I’ve been organising a bookshop tour for that reality star, Nina?’

‘Yes…’

‘I’ve somehow messed up the dates. She gave us a list of dates when she’s filming, and I thought it was the list of dates she was free, and I’ve booked all these slots in bookshops and sent her the schedule, and she’s furious. Says she can’t do any of them.’

Anna remembered the day Nina had come into the office.

She was one of those celebrities who’d come from nothing but now believed she was owed everything.

Anna had made her a cup of tea and she’d looked at it in disgust and said ‘too weak’, then stared until Anna had walked off and started again.

When she’d left, Deborah had declared Nina was the worst star she’d ever had to work with, but she was hopefully going to make the company a lot of money. And now this.

‘So what are you going to do? Does Deborah know?’

Ellie looked close to tears. ‘I can’t tell her. I sent some proofs out to people who’d already had them last month and Deborah was furious about the waste. She can’t know about this.’

‘So how have you left it, with Nina?’

‘I said I’d sort it. I need to call the bookshops, see if we can shift things around. And I was hoping…’

Anna knew what Ellie was hoping. She was hoping that Anna would help her. And Anna would. And then later, she’d moan to Edward about how unfair it all was. About how she wouldn’t have made the error in the first place, let alone dragged anyone else into the fixing of it.

‘Let’s split the list,’ Anna said. ‘But listen, show me the dates she can do and the dates she can’t. I need to be really clear. We can’t have any more mistakes.’

Ellie nodded. ‘Thank you so much, Anna. I won’t forget this.’

Anna went over to Ellie’s desk and they sat together, heads close, checking and double-checking what Nina had said in her emails, which bookshops had been booked for when, and they came up with a plan .

Anna was on her fourth phone call when her mobile beeped and she saw a message from Edward.

‘I’m picking up the boys tonight. Meet us at Phaedra’s at seven.’

Anna read it a couple of times. Phaedra’s was their favourite Greek restaurant.

But why would Edward have booked them in there on a weeknight?

And why was he getting the boys? He never left work early enough to pick them up.

She started to type a message to him asking various questions, and then she deleted it, typed ‘Okay…’ instead, and carried on with her work.

It was coming up for six. She had time to make a few more calls.

When she reached the end of her list, Anna went back to Ellie’s desk. Ellie was just ending a call.

‘Done,’ Anna said. ‘She’ll have to double back on herself a bit at this point’ – Anna pointed to where she’d had to swap around the order – ‘but it’s all within the same county.’

Ellie put a hand to her chest. ‘I don’t know how to thank you, seriously. I thought I was going to lose my job.’

‘I need to go,’ Anna said. ‘Family dinner. See you tomorrow.’

Ellie stood up, came around her desk to the front. She was a little too close, and Anna wanted to step back.

‘Thank you, really,’ Ellie said, pulling Anna in for a hug. ‘I couldn’t have done it without you.’

Anna was out of the Tube and walking towards the restaurant when it hit her.

It was their anniversary, hers and Edward’s.

They’d been married for… She thought about it for a minute.

Eight years. She knew how lucky she was.

Things felt like they were properly back on track after the time they’d spent apart, and their sons were healthy and happy and brilliant.

She’d co mmented to Edward a few nights ago that it was finally letting up, becoming a bit easier.

Thomas and Sam played together a bit sometimes, and she could imagine a future in which she had a bit of time to herself.

When she pushed open the restaurant door, she saw them immediately.

They were in the booth where they always sat, in the back left corner.

There was a highchair in place but Sam was sitting on Edward’s knee.

Thomas had coloured pencils and was drawing on the back of the kids’ menu.

She made her way over to them, kissed them all in turn.

‘This is a nice surprise,’ she said. ‘Happy anniversary.’

Edward smiled at her. ‘Happy anniversary.’

‘Happy MummyDaddy day!’ Sam shrieked.

‘I was trying to explain what an anniversary is,’ Edward said, laughing.

Anna slid into the booth next to Thomas, reached for the drink Edward had ordered for her. There was something so nice about a person knowing you well enough to do that. It was comforting.

‘Hey you,’ Anna said, her hand on Thomas’s neck.

‘Hey you,’ he replied, without looking up.

The waiter came over, pad in hand, and they ordered what they always did.

Chicken kebabs with very plain salads for the boys, moussaka for Edward, a chicken and spinach dish for Anna.

She thought about the baklava she and the boys would eat afterwards, while Edward had a coffee.

She pictured Sam with honey dripping from his fingers, his face a portrait of bliss.

‘Thank you,’ she said, her hand on Edward’s arm. ‘This was such a nice idea.’

Edward smiled. ‘It was Sam’s idea, wasn’t it, buddy?’

‘My idea,’ Sam said, solemn.

Anna reached for him and Edward passed him over from his lap to hers.

She squeezed him the way she always did when she saw him at the end of the day, hard enough to let him know she’d missed him.

Then she nuzzled into his warm neck and blew a raspberry.

He giggled, trying to bat her away with chubby hands, even as she held him at the waist.

The food helped to relax her. It was always good, and because she always ordered the same thing, it was like a comfort blanket.

‘I was thinking we should book a holiday,’ Edward said.

Thomas’s eyes went wide and Sam did a little cheer.

Anna looked up. They’d been to Tenerife at Easter and when she’d asked him whether he thought they should have another holiday in the summer, he’d been non-committal.

He did this, sometimes. Made decisions alone and let her know at the same time as the kids.

‘Where?’ she asked.

‘I don’t know. Spain, Turkey, Greece?’

‘Turkey is an eating thing,’ Sam said. ‘Not a holiday.’

‘Luke went to Greece last year, didn’t he?’ Thomas asked, looking at her.

Luke was Steve’s son. Anna nodded her head. ‘I think he did, yes.’

And just like that, Anna was trapped in a memory.

She’d seen Steve a week or so after he’d returned from Greece.

They’d gone for coffee, and he’d told her it was over with Theresa.

They’d decided while they were away. No big argument, no drama.

It just still wasn’t working and they both knew it.

Anna had watched his face carefully as he’d told her, looking for hurt.

The skin on his arms was a little red and flaky and she’d wanted to reach out and touch him, to suggest he needed some aloe vera.

He’d looked deflated, said something about letting Luke down.

And Anna had told him he mustn’t think like that.

That Luke had two parents who loved him and that was good enough.

And Steve had smiled at her as if he didn’t believe that was true, but he was grateful to her for trying.

When she was preparing to leave, packing up the toys she’d got out for Sam to play with, Steve had taken her hand and his touch had felt like fire.

Dangerous and hot. He’d looked at her then, really looked at her, and said that he knew she was trying to make her marriage work, but if it didn’t, he would be there.

And Anna had muttered something that didn’t make any sense and lifted Sam into her arms and left.

‘What do you think?’ Edward asked.

Anna looked at him. ‘About a holiday?’

‘Greece,’ he said. ‘Food like this every day. Sunshine. Mountains. Reading by the pool. History.’

Anna smiled, imagining the sun on her face. ‘Let’s book it,’ she said.

‘Why don’t we get baklava to go and have a look at some options at home?’ Edward asked. ‘The boys can help us choose.’

Edward carried Sam on his shoulders for the short walk back to their house. Anna held Thomas’s hand.

‘Can Luke come round after school soon?’ he asked.

‘Sure. I’ll talk to Steve.’

Anna had chosen, and she didn’t regret it.

This life, this family life, it was what she wanted.

She’d believed what she’d said to Steve, about it being okay that him and Theresa hadn’t stayed together; she didn’t think people should keep a marriage going for the children.

But if you could, if you did, keep it going, then that was surely the best thing for everyone?

Sometimes she wished Thomas and Luke weren’t such good friends, though.

Because it meant seeing Steve, and it was hard, when she saw him, to remember the decisions she’d made, the reasons behind them.

It was hard not to think about the time he’d kissed her, the way that kiss had made her feel, the way it had felt as right as breathing, as straightforward.

All those times, with him, that she had allowed herself to glimpse a different life, one that might be better.

But she wasn’t looking for better. She had everything she needed, right here.

She squeezed Thomas’s hand, listened to him talk about the story his teacher had told, about a fish that didn’t look like all the other fish, didn’t know where he fit in.

And when they got home, and Edward opened the door, she stepped inside the warm house and told the boys to take off their shoes and took the baklava into the kitchen to put it in bowls, and she felt safe. Whole.